Man Over Bored

chocolate love + bar review = come from behind victory?

2012-02-16T22:58:00.001+08:00

i will never forget this song. this song has been part of my "review ritual" during the bar review (well, latter part of the bar review. my bar review song before this was "highway star" by deep purple). right before i start hitting the books/review materials, the first step was to get myself a cup of coffee from mcdonalds matalino. due to my tight budget then and my dislike for riding tricycles, i just walk whenever i go to mcdonalds. i then head back home and switch on my laptop. while waiting for my laptop to finish booting up, i prepare the coffee i just bought from mcdonalds. once my laptop is all done with its preliminaries, i play SNSD's Chocolate Love music video and watch it while drinking my coffee. then i play some more snsd music videos until i finish my coffee. but i always start with Chocolate Love just to establish some routine. once i finish my coffee, im already fully relaxed and my brain's likewise stimulated, not only by the coffee, but also visually thus generating better brain activity. with a nicely set up mood, i start studying.

hmmm. there is a japanese professor by the name of Professor Sawaguchi from Hokkaido University who claims that SNSD's Genie promotes brain development. when i heard this, i thought its a bit absurd. but then again, there are scientific findings that sound silly (cant think of one right now). the fact that i passed the bar by adding this routine in my bar review could somehow support such claim. but then again, this should be subjected to experimentation since during the time i was waiting for the bar results, my addiction to snsd during the latter half of the review could have resulted either way. its either the cause of my failure or truly helped me in passing the exams. so im not really sure myself how it affected my bar exams. sure it helped me in getting in the mood to study and stay sane (i was already dying of boredom because of the months of just reading law stuff. sick and tired of reviewing day in and day out) but it also deprived me a lot of review hours because i spent half of the day (from afternoon to 2am on the average) watching youtube videos of snsd.

anyway, before i digress further, this isnt the chocolate love music video. its their practice video and they really look good even in sweatpants. their synchronized moves are hypnotic. the interesting thing about this video is how uninterested the guy at the side of the room is. he looks really bored despite the fact nine girls who leaves millions of guys (and girls) in awe are dancing right in front of him. its like just another day at work for him, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special.

so today is valentines day...for some people. for me, i call it tuesday.

2012-02-14T23:02:00.001+08:00

when i went jogging a few hours ago, i saw, aside from the heavy traffic, a lot of guys making some last minute flower shopping. the choice of flowers were already very limited and most probably, the prices have increased. wow. the things guys do just to satisfy their women. reminded me of the times i took part in this valentines thing.

i remember half a decade ago...wait...its already more than half a decade ago. wow. its been that long. it feels like just a couple of years ago. anyway, more than half a decade ago, i went to a valentines date and i forgot to bring flowers. yep. of all the things i could forget, i forgot the flowers. i had a really busy day then. being a law student can be hectic at times. i was really drained during that time and i had to go home to go to our family dinner for valentines day. we went to a nearby restaurant. after the family dinner, i went back home to change and my grandmother, who was informed i had a date, told me not to do anything stupid or anything i will regret. she doesnt have to remind me of that. one of my fears is to suddenly have a family of my own. not all surprises are pleasant (but i admit, suddenly having a family of my own cant be all bad. although financially it is). anyway, i was tired and drained and on my way to the restaurant for the date. i didnt bring my car since i wasnt in the mood to drive. too tired. during my commute, while at the waiting shed, there was this old lady selling roses placed in a small metal bucket. i thought of buying a few but i was too busy thinking of something else. so i thought, i will just finish whatever im thinking then im going to buy them roses. well, the next time i remembered buying it was when my date asked me about it. crap. so i honestly said, "i thought of buying them but i forgot". doesnt the thought count? im that kind of guy who doesnt make that much effort. like a blockmate said a month ago, i can be sweet sometimes. but most of the time, im not. im too busy being me.

i remember another date a few years ago where i somehow "scolded" my date to finish everything on her plate. aside from the fact that im going to pay for the somewhat expensive dinner, i dont like to see food being wasted. so i said were not going to leave until she finishes everything. im that kind of guy who acts like an annoying parent when im a few years older than my date. since we were going to watch a movie, i even rushed her to finish it because the movie was about to start soon. she just kept whining she was already full. she managed to eat a few more bites before i ended up eating some of her leftovers (because she managed to use her aegyo to convince me to eat it. she's the kind of girl who knows how to use her aegyo to her advantage. coincidentally, a kpop singer with a similar aegyo reminds me of her) so we can finally head towards the cinema. im that kind of guy who doesnt want to be late for a movie.

then there's the instance when, not really a valentines date, but i managed to buy the flowers for someone on valentines day. i asked the flower shop to prepare it beforehand so i will just pick it up on the morning of valentines day. problem is, i had the flowers but i dont know how to give it to my intended recipient. she's the kind of girl that's hard to locate. so i spent all day waiting for the moment to give it to her. i managed to give it to her thanks to a friend. i didnt mind waiting all day (sort of) because that incident gave me a nice feeling back then but now that im thinking about it, it reminds me of the guys i just saw at the flower shops earlier today. im currently that kind of guy who just watches other people enjoy this somewhat special tuesday. i dont feel bad to be this guy today. maybe because i have good memories of this "special" day in the past.

the thing i realized now is that, valentines day for me usually doesnt have a good start but it usually ends well. i always sleep with a smile whenever such a day ends. tonight will be the same because of this realization. or maybe i just feel good lately (someone made a comment a few weeks ago that she noticed that im cheerful than usual. i smile more often than the usual and my expression is strangely brighter. maybe she hasnt seen me for quite some time).

shared passion, trust and love are the elements of great relationships

2012-02-12T23:25:00.001+08:00

i was on tumblr an hour ago and saw a post reblogging a youtube video. i checked it out and i was impressed by how good the maker of the video is in video editing. its not something really remarkable but it impressed me anyway. impressed me enough to wish that this person makes more videos, and longer ones (and not end the videos a bit abruptly). i think the thing i like about this person's created vids is that this person seems to capture the essence of materials he or she uses and manages to form some harmony with his or her chosen music (or maybe there's just a lot of crappy videos on youtube making this person's vids stand out). in any case, these videos are really good and better than the usual ones i see.

in the video below, i think he or she managed to portray in such a short amount of time how nine girls rose to the top (their debut up to their rise to the top were well documented so there's really a lot of material that can be used and that makes it difficult because narrowing it down is a challenge). it really made me think after seeing the progression of the materials this person used, that snsd probably had no inkling back then that they would be this popular or that their efforts and hardships would pay off on such a grand scale.

seeing the videos above made me remember how poor my video editing skills are. i mean, the vids below took me hours to finish and it only contains pictures! whenever i see fan made videos on youtube which only contains pictures, i automatically brand it as lame. so i really do think the videos i made are lame too and i wish i have much better video editing skills. if only i was in college, i would probably be doing that now, making fan made videos of snsd (therefore, i would spend more hours in front of the computer) and improving my really lame and really poor video editing skills.

this video makes me realize how much i like my college blockmates. i dont recall why i made this video in the first place. i recall i spent hours doing this and it was during the time i was in hibernation mode. i also remember missing a get together during this time. i have no idea where the original file of this video is. although its nice i managed to have an online copy, the resolution of the original is way much better.

i miss the days when i was collecting female celebrity wallpapers. i really spent hours looking for high quality wallpapers of hot female celebrities. i really stayed up really late just collecting wallpapers. this was a nice hobby that ended abruptly during my senior year in law school.

cake1 from anubz on Vimeo.

i think my brain is stimulated a bit since i spent the day finishing a pleading that's due tomorrow. its a labor case and my almost non-existent passionate side comes out a bit whenever i write labor case pleadings.

im going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow

2012-02-11T21:35:00.001+08:00

as promised to myself, i started going to the gym earlier today. however, i didnt go to a fitness gym (although im considering it). i didnt go to a sleazy men's health club either. i went to an MMA gym. yep. an MMA gym.

one of the reasons i started doing the regular jog thing was because im bothered by how sluggish ive become. i wanted to familiarize my body with my new weight and restore my agility. my physical speed and agility is one of my best kept secrets and when i noticed that im not as fast and agile as i was, then i just lost something im proud of. so i thought, if im going to go to the gym, might as well do something that will help me boost my sense of coordination (aside from improving my agility) in a non-boring way. in short, something like a sport. so im hitting two birds with one stone. by going to an MMA gym, im not only going to a gym, im also engaging in a sport. another reason i thought of going to the gym was because when i went surfing a few weeks ago, i realized how poor my upper body strength was. i was really disappointed with how weak ive become (so that weekend getaway was one of the factors that made me decide to go to a gym).

i initially wanted boxing sessions but i ended up going for muay thai . i thought i can handle the initial muay thai lessons since ive been jogging for months now. but then again, even if ive been exercising for months, my stamina and endurane didnt really improve. its an admitted weakness and i really dont know how to go about it (thats why speed is very crucial for me since i have low stamina, i always try to finish things quickly before i run out of juice).

halfway through the session, i was starting to struggle a bit. fortunately, i managed to finish my first session but every time the trainer/trainor says three (or four or two) more sets (one jab, one straight, two elbow, two knee kicks, etc. or any other combinations) during the latter half of the session, my mind was screaming "aaaaaahhhh!!!!" in exasperation. so i thought of snsd. if 9 girls (or most kpop girl groups) can handle hours of dancing on high heels with blisters on their feet (and get occasionally stepped on by fellow members on high heels) with barely enough sleep (due to their tight schedules) just to master their choreographies, an average guy like me should be able to endure a measly hour of exercise (its one of those moments where one hour can feel very, very long). at least i didnt whine a while ago (although during the last five minutes of the session, im starting to express that i was extremely drained by not kicking very hard).

my challenge to myself now is to attend this gym weekly for at least three months, without fail. if i miss just one week, the three month period shall be reset until i complete three months with going to such gym once a week (so far, ive managed to accomplish the thrice weekly jog).

how can i not love such a cheerful princess?

2012-02-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

im old. i really should start working my ass off

2012-02-05T23:58:00.000+08:00

girls' generation were on the late show with david letterman last week and their performance was flawless (i still cant shake off the somewhat sloppy performance they did a few months ago in an awards show). i wasnt expecting they would be doing some sort of promotions in the US any time soon since all of them are gainfully employed by doing other activities. currently, four of them are actresses in dramas (three are lead actresses for "love rain", "speed" and "fashion king" while one has an eight episode stint in the drama "wild romance"), two are permanent cast members in a reality/variety show ("invincible youth" season 2 and one of these two will also be part of the musical "catch me if you can", becoming the fourth member of the group to be casted in another musical) and three are permanent MCs/hosts of a music program (one of the three just finished her lead role in the musical "Fame" which lasted for a few months). these activities are in addition to attending various other programs as guests and hosting their own program where all nine of them are together ("girls generation and the dangerous boys").

this is why one of their wishes they consistently say when asked what they want is...be given time to rest. but i think this is something half-meant on their part. they know that popularity doesnt last forever and they are seizing the moment and taking every opportunity they can hold on to. its reflected on their hardwork and dedication. they invested so much to be where they are now. they used up their pre-teen to mid-teen years training to become professional celebrities. this is their chosen line of work after all. this is no different from studying to become a lawyer for years and working one's ass off everyday for a decade (or maybe a little over half a decade) to at least get back all the time and effort invested during the law school years (and this is why im not earning much. because i really didnt invest any time and effort preparing for my chosen line of work)

anyway, the performances they made in the US (the late show with david letterman and live with kelly, just hours apart) became a news item in various countries (Malaysia, Indonesia, Ukraine, Italy, France and Spain). i thought, is it really that news worthy? then with the kind of foreign news we have (viral youtube vids), i thought "yep. it is". a girl group from south korea isnt something new. the wonder girls have made an international impact a few years back. but the thing with girls generation is their doing it with their own approach. they have their own way of establishing themselves and i find it interesting how theyre doing it.

the weather must be insanely horrible by 2022

2012-01-31T20:27:00.000+08:00

during my job interview yesterday i was asked where i see myself 10 years from now. i answered that i would still be lawyering in a law office. now that i think about it, i really dont see myself doing anything else except practicing in a law office. when i decided to finish my law studies, i acknowledged that this is a profession i will be in for the rest of my life and i will most likely practice it in a law office.

when i was 14, i was asked where i see myself by the age of 24. i said that i see myself parking my own car, in my own house, built on my own lot, greeted by pets upon entry in such house. im 28 and i dont have my own car, i dont own a house and lot and ive lost all my pets. the only thing i got right was that im single.

anyway, ten years is a long time. but at this age, things are less uncertain. when i was 14, i was still in high school and no idea which college i will end up. im not even sure what kind of job i will have (but with a good brain i thought im bound to get a job with a nice salary). my 14 year old self was absolutely clueless that he will become a lawyer. now at this age, things are more predictable. sure there's the uncertainty but choices are now more limited compared to the teenage years. responsibilities and obligations are just some of those restrictions. its easier to see things 10 years from now. the sense of maturity one's expected to have gained at this age somehow contributes in providing a clearer path and stronger determination in walking such path. its easier to plan life at this point in time.

so 10 years from now, i think i will still be in practice in a law office. im not interested in going into politics. even if i win the lottery, i will still practice law. i have no ambition to become a member of the judiciary. death is the only thing that would stop me from going into the future. and ive been taunting death in my mind for years and it still hasnt come (i prohibit myself from doing overt acts because that constitutes suicide and its against my belief). life on the other hand would be the only thing that could make me change my course or my plan for the future. at the moment, i doubt it. lately, i have full control of life.

this post is halfway to nowhere

2012-01-30T22:45:00.001+08:00

i stopped being grade-conscious back in high school. i think during junior year. i just lost interest in academic excellence. i carried this attitude until i finished law school, i.e. until the end of my school days.

now i somehow regret it. but not completely. sure it makes things difficult in getting into a good workplace but i really dont want to be judged based on my grades (but i admit, its one of the best ways in evaluating the intellectual capability of a person). besides, i come from top schools in this country. even if i have bad grades, im still more privileged compared to most of the members of the labor force. thats still something i should be very thankful for.

as one friend puts it, we belong to the bottom of the barrel. but now that i think about it, we may be at the bottom of the barrel but we belong to the barrel placed at the top of the stack of barrels. looking at the big picture, its not bad as it seems. i may be in last place but im last among the cream of the crop (but still, it means that among those at the top of the "pyramid", im the least capable).

its a difficult situation to be in. its like the jason segel predicament. if i remember correctly, jason segel had difficulties landing roles because he's not ugly to be cast in funny roles and he's not handsome to be some leading actor. thats why he was told by a good friend of his to create roles for himself since he doesnt fit in the typical stereotype roles.

placing last (or near last) among the best means i give the impression im not good enough to keep up with the best but at the same time, i cant drop to the lower level because i might not really belong to such classification (ive tried and its really a different world). so i guess i will have to find my own niche since its difficult to belong in the usual classifications. but then again, my lazy self is just telling me this so i wont have to try harder. how did i end up with an empowered lazy self? oh right, its because i stopped caring about grades and started to have a weak sense of discipline. but not because im lazy doesnt mean im not capable or im not good enough. thats my lazy self talking again. and i just yawned. my lazy self is forcing me to stop rationalizing and go to sleep.

im disappointed with myself

2012-01-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

just had a job interview a few hours ago. more than half a decade later, im still selling myself short. the interviewers kept asking me to convince them why im worth hiring. as usual, im not that convinced i should be hired. a part of me really wants it but my lazy half doesnt. i mean, im giving up my freedom to a certain extent when i join such a law firm. but in exchange for that freedom is the exposure and experience i need to become a good lawyer. it also appears to be a nice law firm which i wont regret being a part of.

i dont know. im the type who only shows his worth after someone takes a chance on me. i find it difficult to tell people in words how good i am. thats why im always told that i sell myself short. a lawschool blockmate even said that i seem to lack faith in myself (when i was surprised how well i did in a particular exam). not really. i just like to put myself down so i would push myself harder. the thing is, im the kind of guy who makes sure im worth the risk if anyone does take a chance on me. so if by some stroke of luck (this worries me because luck is something im also good at) i get hired in the law firm i just went to earlier, im going to make sure they wont regret such a decision. thats what im good at. proving im worth it after one takes a chance on me. i rarely, if not never, show my worth before one takes the risk.

in any case, my sagittarian optimism tells me its a win-win situation. if i get hired in such law firm, im bound to become a better lawyer and be challenged intellectually. if i dont get hired, i get to keep my freedom and see where it will take me. but my non-lazy self is telling me its about time to ditch the laid back lifestyle and do something challenging.

i was wrong. i do have something that i should get rid of this year

2012-01-15T23:12:00.001+08:00

i should be working on two pleadings right now but i managed to convince myself to wake up very early tomorrow (even if i know im just fooling myself because i love sleep more than anything else). aside from writing the blog entries below which are products of procrastination, i also spent a lot of time on tumblr and even went out to get a doughnut.

the interesting thing about the doughnut incident was it started on tumblr. i was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard until i chanced upon a post about a guy saying what to do when one gets the last piece of doughnut. after reblogging it, i said, i think im going to get myself a doughnut. so i quickly changed into some outdoor clothes, put on my pair of running shoes and off i went to walk to dunkin donuts matalino to buy one piece of doughnut. after finishing my doughnut, i decided to buy a cup of coffee at mcdonalds to motivate me to work. when i got back home with my cup of coffee, i went back to tumblr and half an hour later, after finishing my coffee, i was reading documents for the pleadings i will be doing. two hours later, after making a very rough draft, i managed to convince myself to just do it tomorrow. wow. these pleadings are due on tuesday and wednesday and i have a hearing on tuesday. im really good at convincing myself that i have time to finish it. i even argue that i can opt not to sleep and pull an all nighter (even if i know thats a blatant lie since i rarely give up sleep), the power of procrastination is just remarkable. i mean, im still procrastinating right now.

now im talking like a girl. a spoiled and fussy one to be more specific.

2012-01-15T22:51:00.001+08:00

i mentioned in my post below that i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she said she wanted to know my scent. im sensitive when it comes to my scent. the reason for it is because i have poor sense of smell. i have no good way of knowing whether i smell good or not. thats why i get paranoid about it because of the uncertainty.

ive received compliments that i smell good. all of them from girls (now that i think about it, i wouldnt know how to react if a guy said it. maybe "umm...thanks? i guess"). but even if i do receive positive comments about my scent doesnt mean i smell nice all the time (although a girl ive dated said that i always smell nice whenever she sees me but well, im still not convinced). also, they always compliment me on the perfume i wear. now, ive been using this perfume since college or around 2001. and ive been using it until it went out of stock months ago. i think its no longer in production since in the ten years ive been buying it, its never been out of stock for this long. as usual, i have a secondary perfume that i can resort to whenever the primary perfume i use runs out but its really not my type and its really meant to be just a reserve (the reason its my reserve is because, like my primary perfume, i rarely smell it on someone else but unlike my primary perfume, i dont like it that much. its just good enough). so im hoping im wrong on my hunch that my primary perfume is no longer in production or i will have to look for a new one (i would like to go back to the perfume i used when i was in sixth grade but i just found its not available here in the philippines. crap!!! and its the scent i like next to the one that ive been using for ten years. i dont know if im just really picky or very unfortunate).

anyway, the reason i thought of writing this post is because this somehow explains why im afraid of hugs. its common knowledge that i dont like to be hugged (except to some relatives who barely know me). my "fear" of being hugged is separate and distinct from my "fear" of being touched. thats a separate issue. anyway, whenever someone tries to hug me, i always say im sweaty, which is true. i sweat a lot because of the very warm weather we have. with my recent weight gain, i feel the weather got a lot warmer. so its not really because i dont like people to hug me but im afraid of allowing them to get too close to actually get a good whiff of my body. thats how sensitive i am about it. thats why i dont hug back either because just being hugged already makes me very uncomfortable due to my paranoia and sensitivity on how i smell. even if no one has reacted adversely, i still cant get rid of the thought that i dont smell good. thats why whenever i sweat a lot, i secretly check from time to time how i smell, which is silly because i have a poor sense of smell. checking it seems like a mere gesture on my part to reassure me a bit because i dont smell anything.

if my talkative self comes back, i'll be telling this kind of long, boring, pointless stories instead of just writing it

2012-01-15T21:49:00.006+08:00

ive been thinking of "retiring" my mudflap girl cap for months. my plan was to replace it with a white on black yankees new era 39thirty cap. unfortunately, i only keep seeing 59fifty ones. so i decided to look for an alternative cap. i actually saw a design i liked last month at Levis Gateway. it was on display along with the mannequins. i decided to take a closer look at it so i actually went to the window display and took it without asking for assistance from the salespeople (so i was stretching my arm trying to reach it from behind the mannequin). i managed to get it and i saw it was a bit dirty so i asked if they have another one in stock. the salesperson said thats the only one left. my siblings were with me and they said its a bit of a hassle to buy it since i have to wash it first before i can use it (its that dirty. its probably been on display for quite some time already). so i decided to look for it in other Levis stores. but i noticed that when i was about to leave, the salesperson didnt return the cap to the window display (i thought they might have taken my siblings' comments seriously that they are putting on display dirty items).

so i continued looking for it in their other stores while i was doing my xmas shopping and the salespeople consistently told me the following:

the items they have on display are the ones they have (so if i dont see it, they dont have it)
every store only gets two pieces of each cap design. so if they sell two caps of the same design, then its officially sold out for that particular store (so all their cap designs are limited edition?)

i actually went to these different stores twice (except the one at Gateway) just to make sure i didnt miss it when i first checked or the salespeople were wrong in thinking they dont have it. well, no luck in all instances.

surprisingly, while i was in tabaco city, albay, specifically at the bus terminal waiting for the bus on a saturday (and i did have laundry on my back, in my bag), a man went to the ticket booth near me and he was wearing the goddamn cap ive been looking for at the Levis stores! i thought "seriously? first i keep seeing the yankees cap i want and i cant find where i can buy it and now, the levis cap is doing the same thing too?". if what the salespeople told me were true, then even if Levis has a hundred stores nationwide, if they only sell two of each design, the chances of seeing someone wearing the design i want is small. i was really tempted to ask the man if i can buy his cap but i scared myself that i dont know where that cap has been or how much stranger sweat it has absorbed (thats why i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she actually placed my cap on her nose and took a whiff. i quickly grabbed it back. sure i wash it but still, you just dont grab someone else's cap and smell it. the same way one shouldnt share earphones).

anyway, i remembered the cap incident in bicol a week later, or yesterday to be more specific. after buying groceries, i decided to drop by at Levis Gateway to see if they managed to sell the cap i took from their display window without permission. even if im supposed to be in a "financial recovery period" (due to the xmas shopping expenses), i said to myself that if the cap is still there, dirty or not, im going to buy it. summer is just around the corner and i need a new cap. the one im using has reached its limit. its still usable but it can no longer hide the visible signs of wear and tear. its time for it to retire like the other caps that preceded it.

finally, i was standing in front of the store and obviously, the cap isnt on display. the concept of the window display has also changed. i scanned the store and there were no caps in sight. at first. then i saw it. the caps were displayed behind the cashier counter. again, without asking for assistance or permission, i went behind the cashier counter and started checking the caps. in the middle of the pile was the cap i saw weeks earlier. and they washed it! when i turned, the saleslady/cashier was behind me and i immediately bought it (we had to exchange places because i was standing where she, the cashier, was supposed to be).

im really picky when it comes to caps. its like picking a bag. i can take months looking for the design i like. i dont know, i just really like this one and its a good alternative to the yankees cap which i vow i will get this year.

the ones on the right are the caps that have served me well (and officially retired). the eccentric cap (college), natural life cap (law school), mudflap girl cap (law school to present). the simple looking cap at the back was a secondary cap (in case i cant use the existing primary cap).

next up...motormouth

2012-01-15T20:43:00.000+08:00

its official. freddie loose lips is back. he's going to sink ships if i dont restrain him. well, not sure about the declaration that its official but he is back. not that he completely went away but i used to be good in keeping my mouth shut. now, i just speak before i think. the stuff i say really gets on people's nerve (i have the ability to utter words that can make a group of people stop whatever theyre doing, pause for a few seconds and look at me with facial expressions saying "WTF?!" or "how could you say such a thing?"). well, what do people expect from a naturally cruel guy? well, i appear to be cruel because people prefer to live in a sugarcoated world (i missed delivering my harsh one-liners).

anyway, i end up backing down from senseless arguments because i started it anyway. of course i mean no harm but sometimes a mere statement of fact can be offensive and can be considered as a mere opinion (like the color of a girl's dress. i see it as pink but the other person says its closer to orange. there's nothing offensive in this example but this example was meant to show that a mere statement of fact actually led to a half an hour argument due to differing perceptions. now that i think about it, the problem could be attributable to the TV's color settings).

so far, i havent let out any important secrets or any confidential information. now, i have to exert more effort in keeping em sealed in my brain and never allow it to even reach the tip of my tongue.

its in our nature to be resilient

2012-01-04T10:51:00.004+08:00

so should the chief justice resign? he should not. i just read a comment that if this impeachment scenario happened in a particular country, the public official would have resigned because it is unbearable in the culture of the particular country to deal with a tarnished reputation. in our case, doing otherwise reflects a lack of delicadeza or greed for power. but is it really? this statement applies if the public official is indeed guilty. what if he or she is not? if one is innocent or not guilty of the accusations hurled against him or her, why would he or she give up his or her public position? the same way that if an innocent person is convicted by a court of justice, he or she must not stop fighthing for his or her freedom until all the legal remedies run out.

actually, i have a client that is somewhat under this kind of situation. i dont know if the client is innocent (i got this case when its already at the Supreme Court level) but he (or she) never won in any court (from the lower court to appellate courts) and recently lost in his (or her) motion for reconsideration before the Supreme Court. now, as a defense lawyer, i should give the client the best (or ideal) legal service i could possibly give. im not in the position to judge him (or her) if he (or she) committed the alleged crime or not. i should always operate under the notion that he (or she) is innocent (the presumption applies until proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt). but he (or she) has been proven guilty by the lower courts! well, courts can commit errors. that is why there are remedies like appeal. now, its the Supreme Court that has ruled my client is guilty. even if he (or she) is indeed is innocent, there isnt much i can do. but at least he (or she) fought until the very end. isnt this more admirable than just accepting the conviction right from the beginning? well, this applies if the person is indeed innocent. to detain an innocent person is certainly unjust but unfortunately, it happens.

now, in the case of CJ Corona, if he is not guilty of the accussations thrown against him, the better thing to do is not resign. if i were in his position, why would i give up something when i didnt do anything wrong? can you blame the CJ if filipino resilience runs through his veins? tarnish his reputation all you want but if he firmly believes he did not do anything wrong, he should never give up his post. resignation in some cases is like suicide.

besides, i think its about time our country has a complete impeachment trial. the previous ones keep getting aborted.

some old news

2012-01-02T22:45:00.000+08:00

i managed to complete the nine day night mass last month. that would be two years in a row. but unlike in 2010 where i was able to attend all the 430 am masses, last year, i was late for one of the 430 am mass and attended one 6am mass (failed to wake up earlier). but still, i was able to complete the nine day series of masses.

the thing that annoyed me during the night mass was the rowdy kids. i dont have an idea why they attend the night mass in the first place when they dont even listen. they just talk with each other and laugh. at least i try to listen even if i fall asleep in some parts of the mass (that made me wonder, how did i manage to endure the 2010 masses? i dont recall getting very sleepy when i attended the 2010 night mass).

as the days went by, attending the night mass was getting more difficult. its really hard to wake up since i didnt sleep earlier (there's simply a lot of stuff to do during the holiday season). for a person who loves to sleep, waking up at 4am is really ridiculous and irritating. but i managed to just keep attending it until i finished all nine days.

the reason im blogging about the night mass is because i remembered how much hate i have in me. now that im loosening up gradually, its becoming clearer that i never got rid of the hatred within me. i merely suppressed it and managed to bottle it up nicely. just thinking about it reminds me of the amount of hatred i have when i was in high school (a friend described me as "ang taong galit sa mundo sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos").

the night masses brings that hatred out of me. sort of. during the night masses, my mind just becomes filled with hatred. hateful thoughts swim in my head as the priest conducts his mass. not that its directed at anyone attending the mass but its just hate running around my mind. how nice it would be to do this and that. destructive things, hateful things, horrible thoughts, etc. well, its hard to restrain my mind at 430 am in the morning. yet despite being filled with hate, a part of me can still peacefully listen to the priest and calmly hear mass. its like floating in a turbulent sea of hatred and looking at a serene sky. like i can let my hatred run loose in my mind and not worry about it turning into real physical action because the four walls of the church can serve as some sort of sanctuary in lieu of the mental restraints i place to control it. the night masses made me realize that the evil that i allowed to grow in the past still resides within me yet i need not fear it as long as i know how to keep things in control.

well, now that im still in the process of loosening up, i just hope i dont lose control. at the moment, im having difficulties shutting my mouth and preventing myself from making unintentional hurtful and insensitive comments. my sagittarian inability to sugarcoat the stuff i say is back. damn it. its like i never learned to be polite.

challenge accepted

2012-01-02T21:31:00.000+08:00

2012 has finally arrived. so do i have a new year's resolution? nope. dont have one. i pretty much started what can be considered as resolutions months ago. even the much avoided and abhorred exercise. i do it in the form of walks and jogging. so far ive managed to sustain the afternoon walk/jog and the only time i fail to do it is when im prevented by work, weather and illness. im surprisingly serious of making it a habit to exercise that when i was prevented by the weather from going out, i contemplated signing up for a gym membership to compensate for the exercise days lost due to bad weather.

who would have thought that the person who said "the only way im going to actually exercise regularly is if a young or middle-aged woman who can be aptly described as an athletic hottie gives me a very good reason to do it. not even a doctor can convince me to exercise even if my life depended on it. unless the doctor is some incredibly attractive female doctor...then....i would still say no but i might be open to some convincing if she has enough valid reasons" would be this serious in exercising? well, although i didnt get a good reason for it, an athletic hottie celebrity did inspire me. her dedication is simply inspiring (and seeing how hot she looked on the treadmill). with an inspiring beauty coupled with my "urge" to exercise, my brain successfully convinced me to just do it.

since ive been doing a good job in exercising, i thought its about time to buy a new pair of running shoes. the ones i have now are showing signs of wear and tear but i think it can still last for a few more months. but since i dont have a new year's resolution, i thought of making it challenging to buy a new pair of shoes by having to meet some conditions before i allow myself to buy it. since my concern right now is whether i will be able to sustain this exercise routine for the coming months, i thought that i will only buy a new pair if i manage to exercise at least thrice a week for three months (so far, that was my average number of exercise days since i started it last november). the only time i will allow myself to have less than the thrice a week condition is if work, weather or illness prevents me from exercising (or some other compelling reason). if i fail to meet the thrice a week condition even once, i will reset the period until i complete the thrice a week exercise for three months.

the only time i will buy a new pair of running shoes without meeting the abovementioned condition is if my current pair becomes completely unusable. but i will not buy the pair i want. i will buy a cheap but adequate replacement pair (and i dont want the replacement pair i have in mind)

not bad

2011-12-17T22:46:00.001+08:00

ive been looking for a fan made video (since it doesnt have an official music vid) for the winter/xmas song Diamond and so far, this one's the best ive seen. the first time ive heard it, i just thought its nice. it sounds like a xmas song. but then again, like most xmas songs, they get stuck in one's head. so ive been hearing this song in my brain for days and i just had to have a vid to come along with it.

roundabout way of getting to the point

2011-12-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

im starting to think straight again.and i think the reason my mind was messed up these past few days is because im sick. with a weak physical state, with less mental restraints, my mind can easily turn into a loose cannon. at least im feeling better now and i think i can start jogging/exercising again by tomorrow even if i still have a runny nose.

i really need to boost my immune system. age is really making itself noticed. last night something happened that made me remember a college friend's comment. she said that among our blockmates, im the one who will get married first. she was wrong, obviously, but the pertinent comment she said, in addition to what i just stated, is that i remind her of Elijah Price, the character from Unbreakable who has the rare disease in which bones break easily. not that my blockmate really thought i had weak bones but its really because i dont want to be touched and the slightest touch could...break me? well, its been years since i read the message but i think this is what she said...in effect.

anyway, the reason i remembered the comment is because last night, while i was sleeping, as i shifted my position, it felt like my spine cracked. i didnt hear anything but i felt the sharp pain. lately, ive been feeling a creeping pain along my spine when i bend. i think i might have a pinched nerve. i might also have a pinched nerve in my right foot, if there's such a thing. i feel a somewhat similar sensation when i bend my right foot in a certain way. then there's my weak knees. i wonder whats up with my bones, joints and spine? i blame growing old for all of this.

the plot thickens...and im being arrogant

2011-12-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

the battle between the executive and the judiciary heats up. its not simply the president against the chief justice and vice versa. they're bringing their respective institutions with them. its happening faster than i thought. i wonder how many people saw this coming when they went out to vote last 2010. i thought by voting for aquino, there will certainly be another impeachment trial but i didnt really expect it to be this soon and it was going to be the CJ (but then again, he was a likely target right from the beginning).

ive read the impeachment complaint and i will have to say, im behind the CJ on this one. if the senate rules against the CJ, then its because of political reasons or to satisfy the mob (which is a political reason). the allegations are simply allegations and they are difficult to prove. the complaint is filled with inferences and speculation. the complaint is a product of a maliciously fertile mind. it would be something impressive as a political science/college level paper (you could really feel the indignation). but for any unbiased lawyer (forget that the CJ was appointed by the previous president), the way i see it, he did nothing that would amount to an impeachable offense.

the trend under the aquino administration is trial by publicity. makes me wish that most citizens can have the privilege of being educated in top schools so they would know how to analyze issues involving social, economic and political matters. why make such education exclusive anyway? why do we deprive most citizens basic law stuff? its not like everyone is created equal. even if everyone is given access to quality education means everyone will only have the same level of knowledge (hopefully) but not the same level of comprehension and understanding. at least provide enough knowledge that would enable people to have critical thinking. but then again, if most people were capable of critical thinking, the current president wont be president. things would be plain and boring.

now, im not saying my position is right. wait, that is what im trying to say. but not because i think my position is right doesnt mean it is right. its possible that those who have the opposing view is right. it just so happens theyre not really advocating it very well. when i was in court last tuesday, the lawyers against the impeachment said this move by the legislature is not only an attack on the members of the bench but likewise to members of the bar and its politically motivated, filled with animosity. the lawyer who said he is in favor of the impeachment wants the CJ to be impeached because he lost his case when it reached the supreme court. another lawyer who favors impeachment wants it because the court staff are inefficient and its causing inconvenience for lawyers for it leads to wasted time.

i think its some kind of withdrawal symptom

2011-12-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

my mind's messed up for the last three days. im not thinking straight. it cant be possibly due to the cold i currently have. its been a week since i last jogged so im thinking might be some withdrawal symptom but i havent really done it for so long for me to become dependent on it. another possibility is that the "loosening up" process is starting to get to me (which is too soon based on my calculations)

my brain is really fucked up right now. just a while ago i thought for a split second i saw a big black rat in our kitchen but a split second later, i saw its just our frying pan placed upside down. my brain forgot to send the realization to my arms so out of my entire body, only my two arms jerked in surprise. my face didnt even register a reaction because my brain was able to send the realization just in time before it makes one. crap. im having hallucinations. i usually have this when im tired as fuck (like the time when i thought a garbage bag on the street was a sleeping dog. thats not too farfetched. or the time i initially thought the fire hydrant was some kid. again, its likely to happen when one is extremely exhausted).

right now, im not that tired. well, physically i am because i had an argument with myself earlier and i ended up craving for mexican food (i was wondering where to eat after i leave the office and after minutes of debating, i gave in to mexican food just to end the thought process). i wanted chimichangas because i saw shrek on cable yesterday (one of the characters had chimichangas. thats how easily influenced i am by random things) so i thought i better go to mexicali. since my brain is fucked up, i ended up in Taco Bell gateway (when taco bell trinoma is nearer). i ended up feeling i was carrying a large rock in my bag when i got home because of all the commuting and having a cold really makes me physically weak.

the incident a while ago reminded me of a statement made by a famous jesuit professor in my alma mater. one always thinks before he acts. or something to that effect. i said to my blockmate, thats nonsense. i ended up in cubao without thinking. i dont know why im there and i merely assumed how i got there. i was on autopilot. actually, when i realized then that i was in cubao, i just went home because i was really clueless why i went there in the first place. ive done a lot of stupid and random things. doing shitty stuff like the old times at this point in time would be the worst idea ever.

another battle with myself

2011-12-12T23:06:00.002+08:00

ive been craving for a snickers bar since last week and i keep telling myself no. im trying to discipline myself to exercise some restraint on food expenses. pissed, i told myself "whats the point of being a lawyer when i cant even buy a goddamn snickers bar!!!" wow, my argument is flawless. i then reminded myself that more than a year ago, i cant even afford to buy a nice meal. i was on a very tight budget that to buy a snickers bar then would affect a week's budget. so i countered with "thats last year. were dealing with this year and i want a snickers bar". im dealing with a spoiled brat. and to think i wasnt even spoiled when i was a kid.

anyway, i gave in to my demand. i bought a snickers bar so i would stop whining and shut up. i have a pleading to finish. besides, im not thinking straight this recent weekend so i thought it might not be a good idea to deprive myself of something this simple. now that im in the process of loosening up, im at my most unpredictable. i have to be more careful with less restraints, thus im always on the look out for my persona whom i tap when studying criminal cases. i havent met anyone who wasnt surprised to hear him utter statements that reflects his sense of malice.

brown monkey's white whine

2011-12-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

last month, i was searching for maroon chucks. i searched for it for two weeks. i even asked the salespeople whether they have such a thing. they either replied "no" or "what's on display is what we have". so i settled for the blue chucks thats almost the same color as my black ones. then two weeks ago, i dropped by a Converse store in Ali Mall and they have one that is almost maroon but not quite (they said it just came out last month. really? i dropped by that store a month earlier and they told me they dont have such a thing. liar. well, its my first time seeing the saleperson there so he must be new).

the maroon like color was good enough for its certainly closer to maroon than the cinnabar one. but i just bought the blue one so i thought im going to save up to get it for christmas. then i dropped by again recently on the same store and they no longer have it. why does this shoe color have to be elusive? like the 39thirty black yankees cap with a white logo that ive been looking for for months. i keep seeing people wearing it but i have no idea where they bought it. the ones i see in malls are the 59fifty ones. im tempted to order it online but the MLB website isnt offering the one im looking for either. im even already open to buying a fake one but i cant even find a fake version of what i want.

now that i can afford stuff like these, ive become more picky. back then, i dont care about what i wear as long as it doesnt have a brand name. now, i have brand preferences (but ive always been the type who has brand preferences and loyalty but back then it was primarily on food). at least i dont go for the really expensive brands (although if i had more money, i probably would). not that im brand conscious but the quality is better. and what i have is more of brand loyalty. i remember when i first owned a pair of adidas shoes and my feet felt the difference and thats why i dont want to change brands.

i think the people around me know that im a difficult person to please when it comes to buying me stuff. i mean, im even having difficulties buying stuff for myself. i really have to convince myself sometimes to settle for something else or completely not get anything. usually, i opt for the latter. settling for an alternative usually ends in disappointment.

home on a saturday night

2011-12-10T23:13:00.001+08:00

and my siblings showed me this trending video on youtube. aside from the words "electric bill" and "fire hazard" comes to mind, i really find this impressive. and to think i was impressed with Ted's christmas lights on the recent episode of HIMYM (even if i was really annoyed with Ted's persistence to cheer Robin up).

Do you want to know why I use a knife? - the joker

2011-12-08T23:15:00.000+08:00

i no longer carry my dagger with me (the one i used to use as a replacement for the swiss army knife i lost in a place i vowed never to return again). im not referring to my cellphone. im referring to the one that was found in my possession last year by Supreme Court personnel and i was absolutely clueless that it was illegal to have such a thing in my person. that explains the surprised and puzzled look from the security guards because i even told them that i will just leave it with them at their counter since i obviously cant take it with me when i enter the supreme court and i will just get it when im about to leave (the guards quizically looked at each other as if telepathically asking each other "what should we do? is he serious or just stupid to make such a request?"). i dont take it with me anymore now that im aware its illegal to carry it with me, like an unlicensed firearm.

how the hell should i know its illegal? i bought it from some street peddler. but then again, my fellow lawyer told me that pirated DVDs are sold as if they were legitimate items but that doesnt change its illegal nature. he ordered me never to bring such an item anywhere (well, during the time i was clueless its illegal, i was always carrying it with me like when i go to courts, when i went to the Senate, the House of Representatives and other government agencies. it was unintentional since i forgot it was in my bag. ive been carrying it since when i was in law school)

i remember a blockmate asked me whats a nice gift to give to a guy. she was wondering then what to give to her boyfriend for christmas. i answered quickly without hesitation --- a knife. she just gave me a puzzled look that likewise says im crazy. she even asked "a knife?" in a tone that also says "wtf? seriously?". i dont know. i just have a thing for knives and blades i guess. if i had a lots of money to spare, i would probably be a knife collector.

loling pei pah

2011-12-08T22:51:00.001+08:00

every year my alma mater sends me birthday greetings. got one this year and i was at home to receive it. i think i got it about a week ago and its only now that i thought of reading it (as in right now while writing this). i havent been reading the ones sent to me in the recent years (but i still have it. somewhere lost in my room. i dont even know where i placed the message paper given to me by law school friends during the bar exams. i dont know what its called but koreans seem to call it as "rolling paper" where people write "intimate" messages for a particular person on a piece of paper. anyway, i know where my "rolling paper" is in my room. i just dont know where it is exactly. i know its somewhere in my stack of review materials). i appreciate the time and money spent by my university on these birthday letters but its not something im really eager to receive and read. i remember receiving birthday cards from cousins and friends when i was in high school and college.

last year during the bar review, i had the itch to rummage through old stuff that has sentimental value (and i was looking for my dog tags. come to think of it, i forgot where i placed it after i found it last year. damn it!). it was 2am of July 2010 and i chanced upon one of the birthday cards given to me during college. so far its the biggest birthday card i received and i remember when i received it, some of the letters were falling off (makes me wonder if its really our block's cardmaker who did this since its a bit uncharacteristic of her to do such a thing. unless the resources were really scarce). the booklet beside the card is some kind of planner given to our batch during our senior year and the CD, if im not mistaken, contains a video of our cheap graduation.

i think i injured my left knee.

2011-12-07T11:56:00.000+08:00

why the hell did i decide to sprint last saturday? sometimes i really have the urge to run. when im in the mood while walking, i walk faster. while walking faster, i get the urge to jog. while jogging, i get the urge to run. when i run, i get the urge to run faster (the same way when im intoxicated and im on a clear highway). and since i have a very low stamina, i just run fast for more or less a minute.

last saturday, i just felt like running even for a short while. during my short run, i thought my knee was just being a pain in the ass. the day after, i thought its just some sore muscle. it even improved yesterday. there was still some slight discomfort but i felt it subsiding. so i went for a jog again yesterday. i havent even completely started i can imagine my left knee saying "dont you do it motherfucker". i started to jog anyway and my knee sent me signals its in pain. it was tolerable so i ignored it (i have this mentality of pushing my body parts to the limit. if it cant handle the pressure, its not good enough for me and im disappointed to have such a body part). after some time, i guess i got used to the pain so i didnt feel much pain or discomfort. i thought, at least its not making a popping or clicking sound so it must just be some sore muscle (my left knee sometimes clicks when i walk. it just happened in some random day).

now the day after, theres some slight swelling just below the knee cap. i can still walk and i can still bend my leg but there's a slight discomfort and a sharp pain when i twist my leg in a certain way. crap. left knee was serious. sorry for not listening to you left knee but you have to admit, right knee is fine and you have to keep up with it. left knee might be saying "fuck you man! me and right knee are a pair. dont you fucking test me again or im going to break you". im tempted to just walk later but i think it would be better to skip a few days and allow my knee to rest (and figure out whether its really an injury or not).

i guess my role has always been to defy

2011-12-07T10:59:00.003+08:00

the president is attacking the Supreme Court again and i cant stop myself from reading the comments of idiots in online news websites. i have yet to read a sensible comment who actually sees the big picture or sees life in shades of gray. it seems the people who makes comments on online articles are those who view things in black and white. sometimes i just want to write "think out of the box you idiots. the issue isnt as simple as good vs. bad".

seeing the comments of opinionated idiots make my head spin (sometimes a headache). i dont think im better than them but their comments certainly make me feel that way. not because one can write in english with perfect grammar does not mean one's argument is already good or even valid. not because one is advocating for the common good means that anyone who begs to differ is already an advocate of something evil (again, life is filled with shades of gray). i think these are the people who shoot from the hip and always misses the target. i think these people are no different from the close minded followers of the philippine catholic church. well, at least they have their opinions and have the balls to share it (which is a good thing. but its really frustrating to read their opinions)

i hope lawyers speak up to clarify the legal issue to the public because the Supreme Court cant do it by itself. but then again, after reading the comments, i wonder if after explaining to them the legal aspect they would actually be enlightened of the actions of the Supreme Court. kind of reminds me of the comment of a blogger who said that there's no point trying to talk to these kind of people (he was referring to the immature people who post comments in youtube). all we can do is wait for them to grow up, if that will ever happen. maybe people should just listen to Sen. Santiago. she seems to be always in the right track and she can educate people regarding legal issues in a humorous manner. she may be crazy but its undeniable that she knows the law very well.

anyway, this is what ive been expecting under the aquino presidency. for the people to be vocal of their support for the administration (enough with the silent majority) and that the six years become a learning process for everyone, not only for the incompetent executive who as ive expected, easy to manipulate. but im frustrated that there's still a lot of aquino supporters who are slow in learning or too close minded.

its nice to see that there are some comments that reflect some discernment. they dont necessarily withdraw their support but they give their support with caution. they see the mistakes of the administration, acknowledge it and try to see ways to correct it. i hope their numbers increase and they become more active in providing their support. i hope they become a dominant force and overturn those who are currently in the administration due to self-interest or not even qualified for the job. these kind of supporters are the ones who are in the position to educate and enforce discipline in their ranks. these are the kind of citizens this country needs.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O - bobby boucher

2011-12-06T22:16:00.000+08:00

ever since i saw my piss in a bottle last month due to the drug testing required for license renewal, ive been obsessed with hydrating. ive got the darkest piss in the counter and it wasnt just a shade darker. my piss was shades apart from the next darkest piss. so i thought, "crap. im suffering from dehydration. if not, im getting there".

i dont know why i became concerned. im the guy who survived college with one glass of water a day. well, not really one but one glass during the day and probably another during dinner (yes, probably since there are times i dont even drink before, during or after dinner). so an average of one glass of water per day. since i dont move a lot, i really dont get thirsty often. there was even a time during the summer of junior year that i didnt drink anything but coca-cola for month. one coke in can for one month, nothing else. i ended up with a urinary tract infection.

i managed to survive with so little water because i was a creepy thin guy who doesnt need much of it. i rarely move too. with the weight increase, obviously, i will need more water but since i didnt adjust my water intake despite the weight gain, i was heading towards dehydration without knowing it. i think my water intake has been insufficient since last year and i was absolutely clueless. my "triangle of death" has been showing signs that i might be dehydrated but i just thought i just need a new razor. it was only last month that i finally figured out that the solution to my problem was pure and simple. more water.

now, im obsessed with hydrating myself. problem is, i have a goddamn OAB. i had it checked months ago and the doc said it was probably caused by stress. its kind of something permanent and all ive gots to do is train myself. or train my brain not to piss a lot

black pearl kkabyul

2011-12-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

no solicitar por favor

2011-12-03T23:57:00.001+08:00

maybe i should make a shirt saying "do not solicit this person". or "no soliciting allowed"

more than a month ago, while having lunch with a friend, some stranger handed us envelopes soliciting for some small change to help support their choir. i initially wanted to ignore it, saying to my friend that im a frequent victim of solicitations but my friend wanted to give some small amount. so i pitched in telling the person who gave the envelope that im going to check if they really are a legit choir.

for some reason, people who solicit aid for some small church or musical group or just about any cause or reason always try to go to me. there's a lot of them in trinoma and i thought maybe they choose me because im often alone. but last month, in the cemetery, while i was with my relatives, i was the one who was approached first by this kind of solicitors. my cousin joked that i looked like i have some money to spare. seriously? im currently struggling where to find funds for my medical expenses (i dont know what i did wrong last monday but come monday night, i was feeling the pain again. i thought my condition was improving and i was hoping i wouldnt need to undergo two expensive medical procedures. i wont let my 13th month pay go to some shitty medical expenses). i dont even have any money for medical concerns of my family.

but then again, with the kind of lifestyle i have, maybe people do get the impression i have money to spare. back in law school, my friend asked how much my allowance was. after i answered, he said i must have saved a lot. i replied, well, not really. i spend a lot on food. whatever small amount i saved, i use for stuff i like. im not good with money unless necessity arises (like the bar exams. i successfully managed my expenses to make my savings last for months until the end of the bar exams). the only money i have that i dont touch is my emergency savings. any money not part of that can be spent (and wasted) on anything. until now, food takes a big chunk out of my salary.

ok, maybe im not addressing the solicitation thing properly. i mean, all they're asking is small change. surely their needs are much more serious compared to mine since the reason they are soliciting is because they arent well off or capable of earning enough. well, i see that but the question that always comes to mind is, "are they legit?" are they seriously soliciting on behalf of some church, choir or did they really lose their homes to a fire, calamity, etc? like i said to my friend, local government units or agencies can address those concerns. some NGO could provide assistance. surely there's someone or something that exists meant to address their financial concerns or problems (they can go to their congressperson or some generous senator). the only soliciting entity i recognize are the ones posted by the Philippine Red Cross at the MRT counters. i always give my change to those people because they're legit (they have to be). any other random stranger that solicits aid should provide some proof other than some envelope or letter. i dont want my small change going to some fraudulent cause.

gots to be nimble, gots to be quick

2011-12-03T23:20:00.001+08:00

got me self a bloody shoe! not that ive bought a new pair already but i literally have blood on my shoe. the skin on my achilles tendon area kept scraping the back of my shoe and i didnt even feel it. and its the part (well, the ankle area) that im trying to strengthen because im the type of person who twists a lot due to sudden change of directions so my legs and feet need to keep up with my sudden change of mind. so far, the two weeks of familiarizing my body with my new weight has restored my nimbleness (or at least im satisfied with it since i havent fully restored my being lightfooted. thats how strong my ankles and feet were. it could support my entire body easily). currently, my ankles seem to be not having any troubles keeping up. i think the only part thats still needs to get used to my new weight are my knees. my knees have always been weak so i know it will take time.

i dont know why its a big deal for me to remain agile and quick. it really bothered me weeks ago. i dont even move a lot. its just knowing for sure that im agile and quick gives me some peace of mind even if i dont really make use of it on a daily basis or even foresee having the need for it.

i wonder if i can flush laziness out of my system

2011-12-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

i think i might need to buy a new pair of running shoes. i only have one pair and its currently wet and soggy.

i jogged in the rain a while ago. i was just itching to do it since i wasnt able to jog yesterday. so after deliberating for half an hour whether to go jogging/walking since dark clouds clearly signify it will rain, i put on my running shoes and headed out. ten minutes later, the drops came. another 10 minutes, it started to rain. i havent even started yet and it was pouring really hard already. but that didnt stop me. since i was expecting that i would get caught in the rain, i already wrapped my cellphone and mp3 player in a plastic bag. after making sure both are secure in my pockets, i started to jog under the rain.

i think my innate sense of athleticism is starting to take back the years ive kept it locked up. up until early highschool, i was an active kid. i always played a lot outdoors, under the intense heat of the sun which i think is the reason why my exposed limbs are dark. i wasnt good in sports but i played basketball, soccer (i even had a pair of soccer shoes), table tennis and badminton. i think i started to take the path to laziness when i started skipping PE classes just to spend more time with my pretty science teacher who always smells so nice (really nice. i havent met any girl who smells better than her). my science class comes prior to my PE class during freshman year in high school (which is an all boys school) and i always tell my science teacher that im going to stay behind for a bit to help her with the laboratory equipments (i remember taking deep breaths whenever she's close to me to savor her sexy scent). since i sort of skipped PE classes during my freshman year, i was no longer as physically active come sophomore year (also, this was the year i started to change my personality). by junior and senior year, all i do during PE class was sleep. since then, i just started to have an aversion to physical activity.

anyway, if i manage to keep this up (or my body keeps having the itch to move), i guess the days of my lazy physical self could be numbered.

some crazy talk coming atcha

2011-12-02T00:54:00.001+08:00

normally, i would post this kind of post in another blog but this one makes some sense (to me anyway) so i think its better to be categorized here (so im doing my future self a favor by making this post easier to find) instead on the blog where i post irrational crazy stuff.

lately ive noticed that i have ceased to amaze people. well, i still amaze people who still dont know me or still in the process of getting to know me but for those who have known me for quite some time now, i feel ive gone stale. this is no surprise of course. as early as sophomore year in college, ive noticed that my ability to make people laugh grows weak over time the more friends get to know me better. those who have known me for half a decade dont laugh as hard as the first time i showed my sense of humor to them. this isnt limited to my sense of humor of course but this is what made me realize that familiarity makes me lose my flavor. and losing my flavor makes me bored with myself because i see people as mirrors, including myself. if im not getting anything from a person, i wont have anything to reflect back. that is why one friend noticed that i only show "signs of life" when im with our bubbly blockmate (in a block composed of 30 plus peeps, only one girl can really "wake" me up). well, thats why i also said to another friend that it only takes a few minutes to see if a girl is someone worth spending time with. ive went out with a few women and there are those whom i can establish good chemistry with in minutes and these are the ones who are usually worth dating. the others were just waste of time. and money of course. ive realized, that with my current personality of viewing people as mirrors, im really dependent on other people in generating reactions or creating interest.

anyway, because of such realization, three years ago i thought that by the time i hit 28, im going to reinvent myself. not only because i have ceased to amaze friends and old acquaintances but i really need a different state of mind to achieve what i have in mind (or what i have planned four years ago). but then again, i really dont want to change myself in a manner i will lose my essence (i like the way i am but at the same time, im not quite satisfied). so i thought the only way to do it is to revive my former self (a very likeable self but equally annoying and certainly tiring). the one i refer to as my personality from childhood up to my early 1997 self (i changed to my exact opposite sometime in 1997). in order to do that, i need to remove my "mental defenses" or simply loosen up (because ever since 1998, ive decided to play roles or go into characters which people dont want to play or one that is available. by 1999 i came up with the idea of "compartmentalizing" personas and emotions). in order to loosen up, its like removing eight nails from a tightly closed casket. i mean, i have seven distinct personalities and i dont think its a good idea to come up with another one. seven is more than a handful to deal with already. so instead of creating a new one, its time to merge them (besides its been years since ive used some of the personas). this reminds me of a YM conversation with a college friend. i think this was our only YM conversation. if not, this one is the most memorable. she told me that there will come a time when all my personalities will merge into one. my reaction then that its unlikely to occur (i dont know why we were even having it as a topic. we rarely talked but we talked about a really tricky subject. hmm. im too lazy to find the transcript of the conversation to enlighten me why we were talking about it). well, now im the one who will intentionally do it. whether its about time or not, whether i can actually merge all seven and create the eighth personality which is simply a revival of my old self because the seven are just divisions of my old self (just like the way Father in Full Metal Alchemist purged out the seven deadly sins to become a perfect being which turned him into a bored and emotionless being. now that i think about it, my state of mind when i was a high school student is exactly similar to Father's state of mind. wow, i sort of actually achieved what Father did, only ever since 2004, ive started to drift away from that state of mind, yet more than half a decade later, it still remains a dominant state of mind), i dont have a definite answer. but i do have a plan and i initiated it weeks ago. now, all i have to do is stick to that plan and find out by next year if the plan is working or feasible at the very least. and this post will serve as my reminder of my decision (just in case my future self becomes overwhelmed of the process of unlocking stuff in my mind and forget the whole point of the objective. sometimes i wonder how unaware people are of the contents of their minds) or could help me see how far i can manage before i decide to stop with the plan.

again, please show me some evidence

2011-12-02T00:41:00.003+08:00

not sure if its the lack of sleep but i cant stop myself from reacting

ive been confronted again with the rumor that i have a girlfriend (but i will have to say that nothing beats the rumor that i have a lawyer girlfriend when i was still a law student). i dont know where people keep getting this idea (i even had to check my facebook if there's anything that would indicate such a thing. i found nothing). if this was asked earlier this year, i would have denied it but it would have been plausible for people to think of such a thing because i went out with someone last May (well, technically its not me but one of my personas). if it were asked March last year, then it could have been equally acceptable to be asked because i was dating someone then for a couple of months (again not me. in effect, strictly speaking, i have never dated anyone after 2007). if i were asked a year earlier, it would have been likewise reasonable to have been asked since i really had someone in mind but unfortunately it didnt work out because i miserably failed (im not a believer of moving heaven and earth to win someone's heart. if i really dont like someone, she can do the impossible and i still wont give a fuck what she thinks of me. there's a big difference between possibly liking someone and not liking someone from the very beginning). but to be asked about it now when i havent went out with anyone for months? so now im wondering what have i been up to this latter half of the year? im really starting to entertain the fact that either someone is intentionally claiming or spreading this kind of rumor to annoy me or one of my personalities managed to take over without me knowing it (if the latter one is true, im going to torture myself if this girl doesnt meet my standards). thats why when asked if i have a girlfriend, i respond "well, show me who she is because i keep hearing about her but i have no idea who the hell she is".

maybe i got pissed by the question because my sleep was interrupted. to wake up to an absurd question is annoying. how dare you ask such a question thats not worth a single brain cell!

live performance on MAMA 2011

2011-12-01T23:59:00.003+08:00

after seeing SNSD and 2ne1's performance in the recent award show held in Singapore, i would have to say that 2NE1 did a better job. 2ne1's performance is more solid and has a stronger impact compared to snsd's (the three minute intro made me think of wrestling intro meets cheerleading). im not disappointed since snsd's got a hectic and tight schedule and it wont be any good to put more pressure on them (because if i were an unreasonably insensitive boss, which i do have a tendency to become, i might say "kids, its ok to have fun but i cant let this incident slide. its sloppy based from my standards. clearly not good enough because its not perfect", not taking into consideration that the group has been working their asses off this year with an insane number of concerts, hopping from one country to another (or one continent to another), tv appearances and regular tv programs. but then again, if i only think of the money the group generates, then as long as i profit, as long as they sell to the millions of fans, they can do whatever they want). but i have to admit 2NE1 really made a better live performance.

ive got a package. a pink package.

2011-12-01T22:15:00.001+08:00

i was in a bit of a bad mood earlier but all that changed around 7pm.

i was planning on going for a jog/walk (it would have been my sixth day since i started last week) because the weather was really nice. it just rained and the wind was still cold. but i decided not to jog because i barely slept last night. i slept around 3am and i had a scheduled hearing at 8:30. so the fact that i didnt go jogging/walking made me a bit disappointed because i was really in the mood but i was feeling lightheaded due to lack of sleep. i thought maybe i could just take a long walk, go get me self an Elvis Sandwich and then walk back home but my bed managed to convince me to just sleep the bad mood off. i was also expecting a package i ordered from Hong Kong since yesterday and i thought it would be delayed by another day. so i said "sleep it is"

my sleep was interrupted when my cousin called, asking for help. i checked the clock and it was around 7pm. i thought, i guess no package today. when i was just about to go to my cousin's place, someone from downstairs shouted there's a delivery guy with a box. crap. its mine! my father was the one who received it but i quickly followed to check if it really was the DVD set i ordered. true enough, it was for me. it took five days for me to receive the online order. i ordered it last november 26, as a gift for myself. it was shipped on the 28th. in transit to destination on the 29th. arrived in Manila on the 30th. out for delivery on the same day but was delayed so i received it today, the 1st of December. the website said it would take 6-14 days to deliver the order but since i was tracking the order on the delivery service website (but the delivery guy was from DHL), i thought it would take less time since it already arrived in the Philippines yesterday. im just glad to receive it sooner than the expected shipping and delivery time. i thought i would be getting it around the 5th of december.

anyway, when i opened the contents of the package, i didnt know the DVD set (6 DVDs) would be in a baby pink square case large enough to put in a 12 inch vinyl LP record. well, its not surprising for it to be in pink but i didnt expect it to be as large as a coffee table book (or as heavy). the material of the case is similar to a hard bound book cover with a non-glossy finish. the contents are ok. the case itself is slightly damaged but i was expecting it because of the reviews. i think im taking this being a fan thing to another level.

now im on a search for the elusive black new york yankees cap. i checked the MLB website and its not offering the one im looking for. or maybe try to find out if anyone's selling the Eheads reunion concert DVDs (i really regret not buying it when it was still available)

nice parody

2011-12-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

although ive seen this vid months ago, i didnt know there was a version of this parody that was this long. this japanese gag show's attention to detail is amazing. makes local gag shows' parodies look cheap. i can imagine that current fans of snsd who will someday end up in retirement homes might do this in annual parties or events to reminisce the days when they were fans.

people should know that there's always room for forgiveness in the administration of justice

2011-11-30T23:24:00.005+08:00

snsd won another award and they're receiving a lot of hate from another fandom. barely more than a year since i got hooked to this kpop group, im now becoming more aware with the kind of hate they've been receiving since 2007. being on top really is stressful. i never imagined how hateful people can get simply because their kpop group lost to snsd. its as if snsd did something unforgivable by winning an award.

anyway, i deal with hateful people frequently. and they are very stressful indeed.

clients really take the adversarial nature of litigation seriously. unlike lawyers who can throw insults at each other without getting personal, clients seem to take offense at every single thing delivered by the opposing party. they tend to focus on the negative and likewise twist their perception of something positive to turn it into something negative. its like they try to find something wrong with the opposing party simply because its the opponent. im not the type who joins my clients in bad mouthing the opposing party or making the opposing counsel look like the bad guy (although i know its possible that the opposing party's lawyer might be doing that to me when they talk with their clients). i try to stay neutral as possible. but whenever my clients start to go overboard with their hate and accusations, i end up defending the opposing party, pointing out that they are merely asserting their rights and interest. im there to be my clients' advocate but i dont think unduly putting the opposing party in a negative light simply because of hate is something necessary or even useful in asserting my clients' right or interest. sometimes i just want to ask my clients "what's with all the hate?". but then again, i know this will only open the floodgates to a lot more hate they have in store and i will end up like some guidance counselor.

as a teen, ive went through a phase where i embraced hate and allowed myself to immerse in it. i know how destructive hate can be. ive lost a good friend because of it (wait, not really. its because of pride). so i should be used to it by now. but dealing with other people's hate that's close to the sphere of irrationality is really annoying and makes it difficult for me to not let hate get to me. its infectious and trying to keep hate out of my system is really stressful. my job is to deal with other people's beef with other people and try to settle it amicably but why the fuck do they have to make it so stressful. even if the opposing party is clearly wrong, the ton of hate my clients' are carrying will never help in settling things between them.

going back to snsd, i dont know how they deal with all the hate being hurled at them. so far, they know how to face it beautifully. they know how to deal with the punches. four years of dealing with it not only made them mature but also toughened them up and at the same time taught them how to confront it professionally. as for me, i dont think i can do what they do. they receive hate directed at them but even if they show their pain or are hurt with the hateful comments, they can still react calmly and appear to be not feeling any hate towards the people who threw that hate at them (im not saying they dont feel hate but to be able to appear to be free of hate is a difficult skill to acquire. being professional can be difficult at times especially when some people are completely irrational and unreasonable). like they have achieved some inner peace thats always stable (or im deceived because of their angelic appearance). whenever i deal with hateful clients, even if i can still respond calmly, its a struggle not to show that i have hate within me thats being provoked by the hate im receiving even if that hate is not directed at me. the peace within me is always disturbed.

the korean lyrics are better

2011-11-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

the korean lyrics are definitely better but i think this self-centered version will be more marketable in the US compared to a direct translation of the korean lyrics. i really dont like the one minute intro. it was nice at first but after some time, it gets annoying, like hurry up with the music vid already. and i dont get the pigeon thingie. but in the end, i liked it overall and thats what matters. as long as it sells, its going to be ok.

ready, steady, run devil run

2011-11-24T23:30:00.000+08:00

lately ive been complaining about my weight. i keep telling people im not used to being this heavy. not that im starting to feel self-conscious but im starting to feel the lack of familiarity with my body. i think my feet are complaining and keep sending my brain signals that its not used to carrying so much weight.

i also feel im slower. im used to being quick and agile. now i feel like a bull in a china shop. and my sagittarian sense of athleticism cant accept im starting to slow down. sure im a lazy ass but its because i can afford to be physically lazy. i check from time to time whether im still agile and physically strong enough even without exercise and up until a few months ago, i was satisfied with the results. my stamina and endurance were never my strong points but im proud of my speed and agility. when i realized that im not fast enough and agile enough, that started bothering me (now, i cant do my slick dance moves). i felt my body is no longer in sync with what i want it to accomplish or expect it to accomplish. my sense of coordination isnt as good since im no longer familiar with my current weight. before, i can quickly change directions, even in mid-stride, and not fall off balance or get myself injured (if only i played basketball, i would certainly be an ankle breaker). now, i dont even bother avoiding hitting things. i just bump against it knowing my body can take it. and thats not really what i like to be. i dont want to be some hulk like figure. but i also dont want to lose the weight ive gained since i find it interesting to be this heavy too (its like steve rogers amazement after he stepped out of the super soldier thingamajig only in my case, the body ive acquired still needs training). so i decided to exercise a bit to train myself and familiarize myself with this new body. i want to restore, or at least gain satisfactory speed, agility and flexibility. i really have a thing for speed i guess.

this isnt the sole reason why i started to jog. sure the realization has been bothering me for weeks but its not really what made me start jogging or start training myself to become more familiar with my current body. there are other factors of course but this one is one of the main reasons. unfortunately for my brain, which has been nagging me months ago, health isnt one of them reasons that made me decide to exercise. i aint doing this to be heathier, although its something that comes along with it.

so far so good.

2011-11-24T22:50:00.000+08:00

i just bought me self a new pair of earphones (Philips SHQ4000). ive been checking it for over a year (when my brother saw i finally i bought it, he said it took me a year to buy it). not that its that expensive but...well it is expensive. the most expensive pair ive bought. but compared to the earphones i really wanted, it would be considered cheap.

the reason i bought it is because its sweat proof, claims to be waterproof and convenient to use when exercising. i also like the design (except the color). i prefer the in-ear, neckband design over earbuds with clips. after using it for almost a week, its really comfortable and lightweight. i like the way it fits on my ears. after prolonged use, i hardly notice im wearing it. i tried putting it under running tap water once and it still worked but im still not that convinced its water proof.

the reason it took me a year to buy it is because i wasnt sure if i can use it as incentive or motivation to exercise. now that ive decided to jog frequently (this remains to be seen), i thought its about time to get them earphones. also the price already dropped (since its been available for quite some time now. i think Philips recently released its next batch of sports earphones, ones with volume control). the price drop wasnt much but its still enough to save a few hundred pesos.

as for the sound quality, well, its Philips. its not as good (or as loud) as my ordinary earphones but for exercising purposes, and noise-cancelling ability, the sound quality isnt bad.

a necessary evil device

2011-11-24T22:06:00.000+08:00

got my alarm clock back! well, not that it was lost or anything but it just so happens to be sitting idly on top of a messy desk filled with dust for almost a decade without a battery. i dont know what took me so long to buy a new battery for it. it just needs a single double A battery but for some reason, i didnt buy it one. so it was just there, waiting patiently to be used again.

the thing i like with this alarm clock is that it can wake me up in seconds (unlike the cellphone alarm where there are times that i dont wake up at all because i fail to hear it). the weird thing about the cellphone alarm is that it can condition me to wake up seconds before it alarms. if i set it at 6am, i wake up for two to three consecutive days at 5:59am. so all i had to do is wait for the alarm to go off then hit the snooze or stop button, depending on my mood.

there's no snooze button in my high school alarm clock (yep, ive had it since high school and stopped using it during college simply because its battery ran out of juice. also, i really dont need an alarm clock during college) and i cant reset it as easily as a cellphone alarm since it cant be set accurately in minutes. if i can reset the cellphone alarm to sound off again in half an hour or fifteen minutes later, i can only reset the alarm clock one hour later. limited options makes the alarm clock somewhat better since i would be forced to just wake up because one hour later would be too late. but then again, given my dislike for waking up early in the morning, i just used my alarm clock as a supplement to my cellphone alarm (or the other way around). its the first one that will go off, followed by my cellphones minutes later. at least this time, the alarm clock guarantees to wake me up at a particular time.

its like part of my body

2011-11-24T22:04:00.000+08:00

got my laptop back! well, got it more than two weeks ago. after four years of using it (my sister used it by bringing it to her office in 2007, i used it from time to time in 2008 and then used it daily since 2009 until the time it broke on the third week of october of this year), its hinges broke due to wear and tear. actually one of its hinges already broke as early as 2009, while i was staying in a nice little studio apartment in the Taft Avenue area. so its been operating with one hinge since 2009 and it just broke down two years later.

im glad to be reunited with it. aside from the fact it contains a lot of files since 2009 (including my bar review materials and law office documents), it already became a part of my daily life. i remember when it broke down weeks ago, it disrupted my daily routine. it also affected my work since without it, i had to use the office computer and share it with our office secretary (our office only has one computer).

i was also forced to use the desktop PC at home. using it isnt bad since its got better specs and a larger flat screen. only problem is, the desktop PC's settings are not personalized, and i cant personalize it, to my preferences (since its like a public computer, primarily used by my sister). when i surf the net, i already have regular websites i go to in my laptop's browser and usually avoid going to new websites (my sister criticizes me that using the internet that way is boring. well, i would rather have a laptop that's virus free. i can try to find other ways of making life interesting by doing exciting things than risking going to a virus infected website).

im already used to this laptop that i dont even want to think of buying a replacement for it (although i started window shopping for a replacement when the repair shop told me that there are other problems aside from the hinges. they told me that after fixing the hinges, another problem arose. somehow the broken hinges affected other parts of the laptop, particularly the screen). not sure how long this laptop will last with its new hinges. so far its still working fine. but i think i need to start saving up for a replacement just in case it can no longer be revived the next time it breaks down.

i thinks i forgots how to writes during the times my laptop was aways.

that cant be the answer to the question...even if its the same answer i got myself

2011-10-16T21:02:00.005+08:00

source: http://fuckyeahhowimetyourmother.tumblr.com/

and why is facebook starting to look a lot like tumblr? why do people keep posting tumblr posts on facebook? i guess thats better than having the facebook people go to tumblr.

thank God for the rain!!!

2011-10-16T21:02:00.003+08:00

despite the supposedly cold "-ber/brr months", i find the weather to be still too warm (except for the times when im not feeling well. in those cases, i can stay in my office room for an entire day with the AC turned off). i just took a nice cold shower, its raining, im in front of the fan and im still sweating like i just climbed a flight of stairs. at least im not panting.

the local weather bureau just said a few days ago that due to climate change, the warm season will be much warmer. crap. if were just starting with the cold season and im already feeling the heat, the summer season will be pure torture. things will be much worse in the next decade and im really not looking forward to it. kind of reminds me of Marshall Eriksen's environmentalist boss Garrison Cootes who initially gave up in saving the world and preparing himself for the inevitable doom. Cootes, and his employees, just try enjoy each remaining day they have on the planet for Cootes would rather do this instead of struggling to save the planet and probably wasting each day for what appears to be a lost cause. Marshall didnt agree with Cootes' way of dealing with the problem. Although its nice that their office tries to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, still, Cootes is being selfish for his way of dealing with the problem does not take into consideration the generations that will come after them. Marshall, who was expecting to have a child, told Cootes that he wont give up saving the planet, even if it means he will do it by himself, for the sake of his unborn son or daughter. This message managed to make Cootes change his philosophy and helped Marshall save the planet (and Marshall was shown doing a terrible job at saving the planet on his own, as an environmental lawyer).

when i was a kid, one of the things i wanted to be was to become some kind of environmentalist. i wanted to do my part in saving the planet. but as i grew up, i learned how inconvenient and how difficult it is. there are still a few things i do to contribute to the effort of not aggravating the environmental situation and one of them is to make sure i dont throw my trash anywhere. when im in the mall, i always look for the nearest rest room in case a trash bin isnt available because there's bound to be a trash bin inside the rest room. i try to save water too, like switching the shower off when i wont be using it even for just a few minutes. but my brother told me something that annoyingly makes sense. he said, we can save all the water we want but if a majority of the people still waste it, were just losing the water were saving to the irresponsible majority. not only did we not save water, irresponsible people get to use it. of course, even if it made sense, it doesnt mean i should stop trying.

as of now, i try to remind myself to do my part in saving the planet as an individual. im hoping that someday i would be taking part in a collective effort, and do something more concrete than what im doing. hopefully, when im ready, its not too late to do anything.

i rarely leave the neutral zone

2011-10-12T23:29:00.000+08:00

i think im the type of lawyer that clients find depressing. i only smile when i greet them and its not even a good smile since its not in my nature to smile.

when i review the client's case, i always try to look at the worst case scenario, thus optimism can only be seen outside my window on sunny days. when i tell them my opinion, i tell it as objectively as possible and make sure i dont give them the impression that would get their hopes up since some clients have the tendency to misunderstand or force what they want to believe i said. when the case has a good chance of winning, i tell it with a blank face with a cautious tone because some clients interpret a good chance of winning as 100% victory. if the case is something difficult to litigate, i tell them straight away. if there's no possibility of winning, i do the same thing and ask them to seek a second opinion and hope that the other lawyer would find something i didnt see. my facial expression always gives the impression of 50-50 with my tone of voice leaning on the negative half.

during hearings, i try not to talk to the client. i prefer observing the other scheduled hearings. after the hearing, i try to answer whatever questions the clients have, like clarifications on what transpired during the hearing. i try to deliver my answers in a neutral manner, not to reflect any kind of bias. of course i should be an advocate of my client's cause but i try not to internalize it that i might lose my objectivity in handling the case. having a clear view of the case is important for me to make sure i dont become close minded. as one law professor said, one shouldnt swallow everything a client gives. defend the client to the best of your abilities but that doesnt mean you can only do it by believing in everything a client says. thats why i always have reservations on what clients tell me. this is easy for me to do since im born a skeptic. whether they do it intentionally or not, clients will always be biased and i must see the picture from an objective point of view as much as possible in order to handle the case well. unfortunately for my clients, i can only do that by being objective all the time thus i show no sympathy or compassion whenever i talk to them even if their condition would be heartbreaking for some people. i just tell them what i think like an emotionless automaton.

there was one instance when i asked a client, who just lost her husband who died after being stabbed to death, about her case and started saying she's grieving and how bad it is to have lost her husband, i kept telling her to just focus on my questions and only provide relevant answers. i didnt say it rudely but i didnt show any concern that she's still grieving. i also kept hinting that she's planning to sue the wrong people and her perception of the case is clouded because she's pointing the blame on the wrong people. she keeps on narrating how tragic her case was and forcing her belief that such particular persons should be made responsible when after an objective review of the case, the persons she wants to sue arent really guilty at all. i really dont know how to tell it to her so i just kept saying my opinion objectively. i cant hide the fact that my only concern was to get an objective picture of her case. clients who try to appeal for sympathy and pity really irritates me because its difficult to get a good picture of their case or if i do get a clear picture, their minds are closed to whatever is not in accordance to what they believe or perceive.

the countdown begins

2011-10-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

SNSD's album will be released on october 19 or one week from now. it was supposed to be released earlier this month but was delayed for weeks because of last minute change of plans. their company decided to have a simultaneous US release. with this news, it means they're finally testing the possibility of venturing into the US market.

whether they will be successful in the US remains a big unknown (i think). after their success in the japanese market (after conquering the korean market of course), the next place to go would be europe given that its been shown, through their company, that there are a lot of kpop non-asian fans in europe. so naturally, it appears the next frontier would be to promote in a european country. but for some reason, their company decided to check the possibility of extending their reach in the US market. they have proven themselves successful in dominating the asian region and have a great potential in doing the same in europe but they're taking a step further by seeing the possibility of taking on the US market.

obviously, hardcore fans would believe they will be successful. im not saying its impossible but the probability of succeeding depends on too many factors to give a good prediction of the outcome. i think their company will have to rely heavily on their US partner on how to make SNSD marketable in the US. the fact that the Wonder Girls didnt succeed already shows that being widely successful in one corner of the globe doesnt necessarily mean a good chance of penetrating the US market.

SNSD has two english speaking members because they were born in america and spent some time growing up in the US. but having two out of nine members who are fluent in english surely wont be enough. they do have a member who's good at studying and could probably rank third in english speaking if she's been studying well enough (i think the rest of the members have been studying english, maybe in preparation for a possible venture in the US market). in the case of their japanese promotions, only one member was fluent in japanese while the rest studied enough to speak a bit of conversational japanese. that was enough but in the case of japan, kpop was, and is, already popular there to begin with. so the language barrier isnt that burdensome in the promotion activities given there's already a healthy demand from the consumers even before they made their japanese debut album. in the US, with its "limited tolerance" for foreign culture, the language barrier will surely pose problems in promotion activities (unless their US partner manages to think of a way to remove this from the equation by coming up with an effective and creative promotion strategy).

but then again, SNSD's company's plans to venture in the US market is non-committal in a sense that it will only release a US edition of the SNSD album. other than that, there's no news of any other plans. reminds me of the Eraserhead's Aloha Milkyway album which had an Asian edition and released in the asian region, i think more specifically, south east asia. that didnt work and i think it became the start of the band's sharp decline. i remember criticizing the Eheads album as made for non-Filipinos and the band lost their essence in such album.

in a way, it seems the plan to limit the US activity to a simple album release is a good way to check whether there's a potential market in the US for SNSD at this point in time (i think thats also the reason that holding a SNSD concert in the philippines is very unlikely given that the album sales here isnt really that phenomenal or at least the reception of local fans reflects that the philippine market will not generate sufficient profit). but of course, spending money and effort to do this could mean that if things didnt turn out well, they will start brainstorming (for the album release opens the possibility of having a more reliable market research) on how to approach the US market since if things turn out well in europe and they sustain their momentum in asia, and given the possible limited period they have in promoting SNSD (i mean, popularity comes and goes and time is its biggest enemy. the same goes for the korean wave), they have to crack the code in succeeding in the US market before the opportunity to seize it expires. having an asian pop group with a potential to make an impact in the US isnt something thats easy to come by.

draining the drained

2011-10-10T18:20:00.000+08:00

its been one year since i got me self employed. and i remember last year, i had a really terrible cough during my first two weeks of employment. back then i thought that my body must have tried really hard not to get sick during the bar exams that when it was finally over, the cough came in full blast.

the reason i remembered my terrible cough last year, which was one year ago, is because im sick again at this same time this year. i started not feeling well a few hours ago in the office. when i got home, i checked my temperature and i have a low fever. normally, i dont realize i have a fever until someone touches me and tells me im hot (90% of the time, i have no fever. it just so happens im simply hot. yup, im hot. i dont even use a blanket even during the cold weather because my body heat is enough to warm me up). but this time, even with a low fever, i thought of checking my temperature because i wasnt really feeling well. i have a mild sore throat too since yesterday so it might mean im going to have a cold in the new few days. hopefully, its not the flu.

there's also the possibility that this fever is related to what the doctor told me a few weeks ago. he said if i start to have a low fever within one month from the time i consulted him, i must see him right away. if that is the case....it means i will have to keep a tight budget until next year. crap. i havent even started recovering the medical expenses from the previous months.

getting stranger by the minute

2011-10-05T21:53:00.000+08:00

although i check my facebook account from time to time (got addicted to reblogging stuff on tumblr and i check the latest news on twitter), only now did i realize that i havent been really checking it for months (i stopped playing games on it by late April because of the PS3 and it started to get boring from there). usually, i just log in, check for messages or requests, then log out (like checking an email and looking for urgent stuff). when i logged in just a few minutes ago and checked my notifications, i noticed some kind of notification of a new message from a group account. i checked it and thats when i saw convos from weeks and months ago and how much of a stranger ive become. havent used YM for months too. maybe for more than a year already. i dont even remember when i stopped using YM. the last i remember was up to mid-2009. i always have my cellphone with me. within arms reach 24/7 but 95% of the time, it rings because of some work-related matter (just like a few hours ago).

even if im usually online, have a facebook account and other social networking stuff, im pretty much an island. wow. im still an island.

actually, i know that already but giving it some thought really makes the realization...real. i dont even know what im saying. but what im trying to say is...im an atom. im an atomized individual. im not even part of a molecule. im simply an atom. an atom inside a cubicle. im an atom inside a cubicle with a computer thats connected to the outside world but im not really connected to the outside world in a sense that im part of a molecule. im just an atom with a gizmo thats can connect me to the outside world but the outside world doesnt really connect to me thus ensuring that i stay as an atom and not a molecule. its being enabled to look at the outside from the inside but the outside aint looking in.

i need to get me some fresh air. and a social life. but first some fresh air. im not even sure if i can still have a social life since the world is starting to get strange. well, im becoming strange to the world. or im starting to become an awkward atom. i miss this kind of "somewhat nonsensical" stuff or "it makes sense but its really presented in a very weird manner" kind of stuff. and im not even drunk or taking drugs.

my back is aching and im bored

2011-10-04T23:09:00.000+08:00

just saw on a korean news on a korean channel that there's some anti-korean wave protests happening in japan. i guess the korean wave was able to penetrate too deep in japan that some japanese feel that this should be a serious concern. they think it has reached a level that makes it a threat to japanese culture and society. if im not mistaken (since im not really paying that much attention to the korean news. im not even sure if its actually some "real" news program), some japanese politicians are contemplating taking action against the korean wave (legislating some form of regulation probably).

well, since i saw it on a korean channel, there's a possibility (and good probability) that the news might be exaggerated a little bit. of course, there will be a bias in reporting the news item. there were footages of a rally, some clips of comments of some japanese personalities (maybe politicians) and the changes in some commercial districts which used to be filled with korean stuff (now replaced with japanese items of course). the tone of the report was also very serious. so it really gives off the impression that the news item is some serious concern for both countries. i mean, imagine local news channels here reporting about a mass protest about china's "hostile" attitude towards the philippines with regard to some territorial dispute and delivered by the reporter in a manner as if there is an impending inevitable war. the facts are given some sort of color and makes it look very serious when the situation, although serious, is really not that dark the way it was presented.

i wondered if such a thing will happen here in the philippines. will there be mass actions against the korean wave to protect our philippine culture and society from such foreign influence? i dont think so. our sense of nationalism or patriotism and sense of culture isnt really as...vibrant or as strong as koreans and japanese nationals (our sense of culture and patriotism should be greatly improved but the problem is how or where to begin). also, weve dealt with and "survived" fads before like the mexican telenovelas and japanese anime and it had its influences, might have left a deep impression to particular generations but i dont think its even something to be concerned about. plus, we have a colonial mentality to begin with. so there is still a need to build up our national pride. right now, or, the current state of things, we just adopt and adapt to the changing cultural and social environment. we integrate whatever foreign influence into our somewhat abstract culture we claim as our own. what our culture is exactly is hard to define since our nation is very culturally diverse. this abstract identity causes confusion but we manage to get by. for a poor country, i think were not doing that bad because despite how difficult things can get, we always push through. i think this is something we should take note of. we dont self-destruct despite what seems to be an endless barrage of negative stuff (the corruption, the calamities, some sort of crisis left and right). we keep on struggling to move forward and we keep doing it with a smile even if we admit we are a poor nation with a lot of problems.

anyway, the problem with or what makes the korean wave a concern is that korea is intentionally exporting it to promote korean culture. it raises other countries' awareness of their culture. its supposed to make korea (or south korea) and its culture look interesting. its essentially a marketable product that is successfully spreading globally. i dont think it has made such a deep impact yet in our country. it has made an impact, but somehow, i see it as a fad that will go away and were just waiting for the next "big" thing the local media will promote to us. the korean wave is bound to leave an impression but i dont think we will react the same way some japanese are reacting now. besides, if the same thing happens here, meaning, mass actions and possible regulation, it would run counter to a constitutionally granted liberty. its a form of censorship. and usually, what is censored makes the censored material a more sought item or object. its better to just let things be, it will pass or something new will crop up sooner or later. but then again, this is easy for us to do and this might not be a common attitude in japan.

i want a vacation but maybe i dont want it bad enough

2011-09-29T22:38:00.000+08:00

by this time last year, i was eager to get a job. ive been thinking about it as early as two weeks before the bar exams. i would have wanted to take a vacation because of the awfully draining months of reviewing but given my financial status then, i had to get a job. ever since i started working in 2009 (yep, i only started working in 2009, half a decade after graduating from college), i dont want to be financially dependent on my parents. my bank account was so depleted that i would be forced to use my medical emergency funds if i dont get a job in a week (i always make sure i have enough money for a not so expensive medical emergency). so right after the bar exams, i was already updating my resume. and by the middle of the week of the last week of september 2010, i was already submitting one of them resumes to a particular government office in makati (and i never got a call from such office).

after months of reviewing, i only got seven days of rest. on the eighth day after the bar exams, i started working in a nearby law office. i really wish i took a longer vacation. i wanted to just bum around. but given that i dont really have any money left, and bumming around isnt really free (im too old to be a freeloader. well, there is no age limit to be a freeloader but...i just dont feel like being one at the moment), i became determined to get a job as soon as possible.

when i started working, i honestly thought that i had a 50-50 chance of passing the bar (i was doing okay during the first two bar sundays but i started messing things up on the third and fourth bar sunday). its because of this that i convinced myself to start working. if i dont pass the bar exams, i will have to repeat the bar review process all over again. so i need to earn some money again in order to pay for the expenses for the second take (i used up all the money i saved when i worked for 10 months in an NGO. actually, i had to take a part time job during the bar review because the money i saved by working in the NGO wasnt enough to cover hotel expenses). so i started making computations, how much it will cost me, how much i need to save, etc. (for a person who claims to hate math, i do a lot of computations. well, i dont really hate the simple arithmetic stuff). so i was already making plans in the event i failed the bar exams. i was not only trying to recover financially but also trying to earn enough money for a worst case scenario.

fast forward one year later. i dont need to take the bar exams again. i used the money i saved to buy a laptop for my sister to replace the laptop i took from her (the one im currently using). but im not really better off financially compared to last year. im near to where i started a year ago --- almost bankrupt. only this time, i can last a month before im forced to use my medical emergency funds. why? medical expenses and medical procedures which arent really emergencies but serious enough that it cant be ignored and must be given attention as soon as possible. also bought a new desktop PC. there are also bills to pay, groceries, and other miscellaneous expenses which slows down my financial recovery from the stuff that depleted my funds recently.

i may be the type of person who doesnt really dream of becoming rich but im the type of person who becomes less stressed when im financially stable. thats why its a big deal for me to earn enough money so i can spend freely without much worries and feel some sense of security about the future. but i dont aim to earn more than i what i really need.

absence of electricity contributes a lot to non-productivity

2011-09-27T22:39:00.000+08:00

i woke up to a text message earlier today that informed me that government offices wont be open today. crap. i need to revise a pleading again. i need to adjust the dates i indicated in it (dates are really important for this pleading). it was supposed to be filed yesterday but since im too busy to personally take care of it (i had to attend a hearing that i requested to be scheduled in the morning but was scheduled in the afternoon), i suggested that it be filed today. so i edited it yesterday to make it ready for filing today. since the government office wont be open, it would be delayed for another day.

when i went to my law office earlier this morning (so i experienced the strong winds which rendered my umbrella useless) to work since there was no electricity at home, i found out there was no electricity there too. so i decided to just get the case file for tomorrow's hearing for another case and i will just have to go to work very early tomorrow to edit the pleading before i go to court (since the final version is saved inside the office computer and i need to finalize it quickly because i need to meet a client in the afternoon). the suspension today isnt really doing me any good. work just piles up.

at least i was able to test my bag. i stopped using my backpack last july when i brought it to The Travel Club to be repaired. ive been using it since 2003 so naturally, wear and tear has set in. its bottom part was already starting to have holes because the fabric was already thin due to constant usage. so i bought myself a new one. i wanted another jansport bag because ive tested its durability but the material used now by jansport isnt the same one as the jansport bag i own. i prefer the old material over the current one (all the salespersons ive talked to keep telling me that the new material is much more durable but still, im not convinced. besides, i really dont like its texture. i really like the old fabric). also, i need to switch to a bag which is good to use when i go to court (although a backpack is ok, its not really convenient to carry case files in it and i end up with a crumpled court attire. but in terms of comfort, a backpack is still the most comfortable and efficient to carry). after weeks of looking for a nice bag, i decided to get the Belkin Stride 360 Messenger (its not perfect but its the best i can find given my limited budget and the limited period i have. i dont have any other bag i can use once i send my jansport bag for repair). it can carry case files neatly (the fit is perfect) and i can securely place my laptop in it. i like where the compartments are placed and i can quickly get things from it efficiently. it also looks durable too. but what i havent tested is its claim that its water-resistant. sure it got wet before, when i used it while walking in the rain and the contents didnt get wet but those times involved just ordinary rain. and my umbrella was able to do its part in making sure i dont get wet with my bag. so the weather today was a good test to find out how much rain water it can withstand (since the usual contents of my bag are my laptop and case files, and both items shouldnt get wet). knowing how bad the weather is, i didnt bring my laptop but i brought a thin case file (which i placed in a plastic envelope just to make sure). so out i went to face the strong winds and the pouring rain. i had to stop using the umbrella from time to time because of the strong wind. naturally, i got wet from head to toe because of the erratic wind direction and the occasional strong downpour. my bag was dripping wet too when i reached the office. i then opened it to check if its inside portion got wet. holy shit. it resisted the rain water and it resisted it well. the inside portion was really dry. even if the wind was blowing in every direction and i had to stop using the umbrella, and i got really wet, and its not even the type of bag that's really sealed since its a messenger bag, it still managed to keep my things inside it dry. and it dries quickly too. after seeing how well my bag did today, its only now that i can say that im satisfied with my purchase. it may not be a good looking bag (thats why i said its not perfect because i really dont like the way it looks) but it really gets the job done. or it really serves its purpose very well.

i just looked at my bag and gave it a thumbs up.

three hundred sixty five days ago?

2011-09-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

by this time last year...i was probably sleeping already after using up my remaining strength for the last bar sunday.

usually, i finish the exam 30 minutes before the end of the allocated time (i spend the last 25-30 minutes reviewing my answers. if i can still edit it, i edit it. there's such a thing as "marking" so erasures must be avoided as much as possible). such wasnt the case for the last bar subject. it was the only time that the school bell rang and i wasnt even reviewing my answers yet. my left had was already in pain by the third bar sunday. i was already losing control over it by the fourth bar sunday. i had to take breaks while answering the last bar subject (which includes legal forms) because my left hand was no longer following instructions from my brain. my fingers and my pen strokes were starting to have a life of its own. thats why i took longer than usual. also, i was really exhausted mentally that i also spent time convincing myself not to give up during the exam. since i have the tendency to just drop things when ive had enough or when im really tired, i was starting to entertain the thought of just answering anything and just be finished with it. its really hard to squeeze one's brain when one no longer has the energy to squeeze. my eyes were also really tired too.

when i stepped out of the exam room that afternoon, even when im fully aware that im done with the exams, i just went on autopilot. i just want to use enough brainpower to get back to the hotel, claim my stuff, and go home. fortunately, my body reserved enough energy for me to have the strength to commute (i was almost bankrupt by that time so i cant really afford to ride a taxi). in all the bar sundays, except the first one, i always went home by riding the crowded MRT. sometimes i have to wait for half an hour for a train where i can fit since i have three bags with me, filled with reviewers, clothing and a laptop. thats why while lining up to buy the train ticket, i was thinking of blogging something about the MRT commute experience. there must be some better way to operate this mode of public transport (just finished the bar exams and i was already thinking of something which required a lot of brain cells)

it was also exactly one year ago when the bar exam blast happened. fortunately, i told my family not to wait for me outside the gates of la salle. i told them to just wait for me at trinoma. when i got there, we had dinner at the trinoma foodcourt and i ordered me self some korean food. then we went home, i unpacked my stuff and slept.

it will end in less than 24 hours

2011-09-25T18:47:00.000+08:00

by this time last year, i was already drained. my confidence was further depleted by the third sunday subjects (i focused too much on a particular subject under commercial law and i relied on the wrong reviewer for criminal law). to make things worse, i really dont have a thing for remedial law. i dropped civil procedure during law school, which eventually led to my one year delay in finishing my law studies. as for ethics and legal forms, its difficult to prepare for it because it seems so simple.

during the latter half of the bar exams, there were less visitors during saturdays. so im really close to losing it and just dropping everything (because the isolation, surprisingly, was driving me nuts). good thing there's a part of me that never quits (which only contradicts me on crucial moments). usually, i just give up and do something else because its bothersome to persevere. so my non-quitter self isnt something i can summon. it just pops up when it thinks it has to or when it feels like it. fortunately, it thought the bar exams isnt something worth giving up. so i just kept telling myself then that i managed to finish three bar sundays, one more bar sunday couldnt be that bad (although the effort that's needed for it was really something ive never experienced before). the thing is, at this point, with not much confidence left, and being drained emotionally, physically and mentally, it really becomes difficult to keep moving forward. the whole ordeal was immensely tiring. and im someone who really has a very low stamina. speed is my field of expertise, not endurance. i try to finish things quickly because i cant stand prolonged physical and mental effort (in addition to getting tired, i get bored). thats why i had to keep telling myself that its just one more sunday. my body really wanted to give up already and just rest. thankfully, that small part of me managed to convince me to get up the following sunday and finish the bar exams.

i got married on september 24

2011-09-22T23:53:00.000+08:00

well, if im going to believe my dream a while ago. and i got married in Cambodia to some non-cambodian asian hottie (someone who looked like NS Yoon Ji with less korean features. or like bianca gonzalez, only more chinita). ha! in my dreams! and that is what literally happened.

even im a person who's not going to get married, im not surprised to have such a dream since i watched HIMYM last night and that infuenced my dream earlier this morning. and as usual (meaning this isnt the first time i dreamt of getting married), i got married because of some sort of deal. business related deal or something to that effect. whenever i get married in my dreams, there's some level of professionality, and convincing people that the marriage is grounded on the common notion that its based on some emotional relationship when its really meant to attain something perfectly rational, where getting married is the only effective means to an end. its like having a "lets pull this one off and get it over with" kind of thing.

for a person who doesnt really care about getting married, i do attend a lot of weddings. i just attended one earlier this month. i rarely miss weddings. the only weddings i miss are the ones where im not really close to the one getting married.

i dont know why i frequently attend weddings. maybe i recognize the fact that its supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing, like death (since we dont have divorce here). so im more likely to attend it compared to a birthday party which is a yearly thing. now that i think about it, i dont really enjoy attending it but i attend weddings anyway because i see its significance. i guess. and i dont see myself getting married, not only because its very unlikely but also because i really dont see myself in such a situation when i try to think about it now. i simply cannot imagine it. i dont feel i want to get married either (although i think i could get married for a very good reason). i seriously see a marriage as a lifetime contract and putting "lifetime" and "contract" together doesnt really look enticing. but since i view it as a contract, if the terms and conditions are good, then the contract may be worth giving some thought.

dancing queen choding

2011-09-22T18:30:00.000+08:00

do i look like a crystal?

2011-09-21T22:57:00.002+08:00

i attended a hearing yesterday and since it was my first time to attend the case, i introduced myself. most of the time, people would say "christian" (for some reason, only the Taco Bell cashiers get it right the first time when they ask for my name). but yesterday, the judge thought it was "crystal". so when he was already reciting the order in open court, i corrected him about my name. seriously, do i look like a "crystal"?

its not the first time someone heard my name as "crystal". back in college, i called a college friend at her home and her mother thought the caller was someone named "crystal". so when her mother told my college friend that some person named "crystal" was calling, she was absolutely clueless who it was. when she realized it was me, she said she wanted to say to her mother that if she only knew who the caller was, the name "crystal" wouldnt even cross her mind.

the other person who made the "crystal" mistake was me. back in law school, some professors use our first name when calling us to recite in class. i had a blockmate with such name and when i was being called, i thought our professor was calling her. thats why i wasnt responding. the professor thought i was just playing dumb to avoid the recitation (since i already did some stupid stunts in the same class to avoid recitation. one was saying im going to pass when its not even allowed. my seatmate noticed that i read the case but i still refused to recite it. she asked why didnt i just recite the case when based from my readings, i studied it. i just said im not in the mood to recite. she just looked at me with a concerned look on her face. the other stupid stunt was by stepping out of the classroom because i know the order of people who were about to recite and i was next. the professor even had to check i wasnt just roaming around outside and waiting for the class to end. while i was out, he asked my classmate who just went out after me if he saw me in the restroom. he said yes. actually, we didnt see each other because i wasnt in the restroom, i went to the nearby store to buy some food because i was bored in class and i wanted to avoid recitation. good thing i said i was at the restroom when the professor asked where ive been. it was risky for my classmate to cover for me but fortunately, we had the same answer. of course, the professor still didnt believe us because i took too long to come back).

give me sight beyond sight

2011-09-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

while i was walking home from work this afternoon, i noticed how good my peripheral vision was. not that its the first time i noticed it but im glad to realize that its still good.

more than a half a decade ago, a friend asked whether i had eyes at the back of my head. we were in a covered court and i was texting. my friend was standing in front of me watching the basketball game behind me. then without lifting my head, while continuing texting, i tilted my head to the right to avoid the basketball coming from behind that could have grazed my left ear if i didnt move my head slightly. he was puzzled how i knew that there was a ball coming at me from behind when i was busy texting. i replied it was because of his facial expression and hand gestures. since he was standing right in front of me, he was in my peripheral vision while i was texting. i noticed that he was looking upward, slightly to my left side and his arms were preparing to catch something. given the direction of his line of sight and the way he was stretching my arms, my brain, through my peripheral vision, managed to calculate where the ball will be coming from. instinctively, i tilted my head. of course, luck was also a factor since i have no idea how fast the ball was so if i didnt tilt my head fast enough, it would have hit me. all my peripheral vision and my brain could do is calculate the trajectory. also, since i dont like moving a lot, or wasting unnecessary energy (as one college friend said, im an energy saving device where all my movements are calculated, trying not to waste any energy), instead of moving to the right, i just tilted my head thinking that if my calculations are correct, that would suffice to avoid the ball. and i did all this without giving it much thought since i was focused on texting. ive developed an instinct to be mindful of my surroundings through my peripheral vision.

i think this also explains why when another friend tried to grab my arnis sticks from behind, he was surprised that he wasnt able to snatch it despite stealthily sneaking behind me. my hands automatically tightened its grip when it felt someone was trying to suddenly grab my arnis sticks. i was really alert then. or my reflexes were really good. now, i think its time to do something to improve it (i realized with the weight i gained, my physical body naturally became slower and its having difficulties keeping up with my brain signals. ever since i was a kid, i relied on speed, flexibility and agility. and since i dont exercise, even with the added weight, it does not automatically convert itself to strength. at least my sense of coordination is still good but my brain is starting to notice that my body feels different with its new weight). back in august 2009 and january 2010, i fell victim to pickpockets. that should have served as a wake up call that im not as mindful of my surroundings anymore. i just shrugged it off as misfortune.

well, at least my peripheral vision is still good. i still notice the slightest movements at the corner of my eye. i can easily see a mouse at my outermost corner of my eye even when im watching TV programs with subtitles. and im still good at sensing vehicles behind me by observing the facial expressions of persons and movements of other vehicles in front of me without being mindful of it.

i was halfway through

2011-09-18T20:20:00.001+08:00

by this time last year, i was preparing for the third installment of the bar exams. commercial law and criminal law. like the first bar sunday, i had to borrow a codal from a friend. i managed to finish law school (and the bar review), without having a corporation law codal. i just used a soft copy of it i found in the internet. since gadgets like cellphones and laptops arent allowed in the examination room, i had to borrow a codal which i can use for last minute reviewing inside the room.

i remember two mistakes i made during the third review week. one, i focused too much on corporation law when there are other law subjects that fall under commercial law (like intellectual property law, insolvency law, insurance law, negotiable instruments, banking law, agency and partnership, etc.). a friend asked me the week before which week i was worried about and i said its the 2nd week because of taxation law. he then asked, shouldnt it be third week? only then that i realized what he meant. since commercial law isnt as "coherent" like the other fields, composed of bits and pieces of legislation here and there, it can get a bit difficult to review it, especially with very limited time. at least taxation law is much more..."solid" as a field of law. commercial law has a wide range of subjects similar to civil law but its concepts can be more difficult to grasp. anyway, i focused too much on corporation law because i thought the bulk of the questions would be under this subject. i was wrong. the questions were almost equally divided in the different subjects under it, trying to give equal importance to each subject. fortunately, i took some of these subjects as electives (like banking law and intellectual property law). fortunately again, i had some stocked knowledge from these elective subjects.

my second mistake is my choice of reviewer. only after the third bar sunday did i learn that one law school intentionally releases pre-week reviewers with mistakes on it. i have relied on it for the first three sundays. and i have noticed some of the mistakes but i thought they were just honest mistakes. only when a fellow bar examinee told me that such school has a reputation of releasing reviewers with mistakes in it, to mislead the other examinees like me, did i learn about it. crap. thats why i got the last question for criminal law wrong. well, not entirely wrong but i would say i can only get partial points for it because of the wrong term i used.

i feel like a sloth

2011-09-16T10:52:00.000+08:00

"today i just dont feel like doing anything. i just want to lay in my bed."

woke up today with a boulder of laziness on my shoulder (or a cloak of laziness...or a cloud of laziness over my head...whatever, im too lazy to really think of something better...point is im feeling extremely lazy). i had to ask myself whether its already saturday. i answered its only friday and i need to get up to go to the office (i like my morning conversations with myself. there was a time i felt like i was in some negotiation table, arguing against myself how much longer i should sleep before i get up to go to work. can i afford 5 minutes? can i extend it to 10? will be 15 minutes be too much or could i still manage to have enough time? of course the other side was arguing that i need to get at that moment. then i start editing my pleading in my head while in a half-asleep mode so by the time im going to edit it in my office, i already have the revisions ready to save time and make up for the extended sleep i took. yep. there are times im already "half-working" while half-conscious because my mind is much clearer during this period)

anyway, it took me an hour before i managed to leave my bed and go to the living room. since i was feeling extremely lazy, i just sat in front of the TV, waiting for the drowsiness to wear off, which was trying to pull me back to my bed. another hour passed before i finished getting dressed to go to work. it took me five minutes just to wear my shoes because i really didnt want to put them on. i just want to lie down again in my bed.

now, im sitting in my office, with an MS word file containing a pleading im supposed to be finalizing. and im just too drowsy to work. i want to go to back to sleep. normally, i would get some nice cup of coffee but the nearby Mcdonalds is still under renovation, im not that desperate to go to starbucks and i dont feel like drinking 7-11's crappy coffee. i think today will be a very unproductive day (unless motivation kicks in from out of the blue)

still hooked

2011-09-14T22:49:00.000+08:00

during one of the bar saturdays, most likely the first bar saturday, some friends dropped by my hotel room and caught me watching this video. well, when i let them enter the room, i forgot the video was playing (i was playing it over and over and over again). i only noticed that it was still playing when we were already talking and some of them were watching it. i dont know. for some reason, i quickly closed the video player when i noticed that they saw what i was watching (i acted like it was some distraction to the conversation). back then, i wasnt that comfortable being seen as someone who likes a kpop girl group (although my blog entries then would seem to say otherwise). of course now, things are much different. one year later, i no longer watch their music videos secretly in my laptop. i watch it at our living room, through my PS3 on a large TV.

she suddenly popped in my head last week, from out of the blue

2011-09-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes i ask myself why i do the things i do, why i do things that i dont expect or inconsistent with what i just said or done. the best answer i could give is that i shouldnt forget about my "multiple personalities"

speaking of multiple personalities (the intro has really nothing to do with this blog entry except for the two words in quotations, which is remotely related to what im about to discuss), this is why i liked a particular girl back in college (she didnt have multiple personalities but she stated something somewhat similar). around the time of the college orientation seminar to be more specific. i didnt notice her until she was seated beside me. we were arranged alphabetically in a room, and i still remember the ORSEM volunteer. i also liked her (the orsem volunteer) but the girl seated beside me grabbed my attention then. she was "pestering" me, asking me this and that. all i wanted then was to stay home and watch TV. i didnt want to sit in a room with a group of people and do childish activities that has no intellectually stimulating effect whatsoever. so the somewhat hyperactive girl sitting beside me, whom i havent seen because despite her annoying questions, i just kept looking at the front of the room, was making my day worse. then suddenly, she said something that made me interested in her. she said she has a very diverse personality (thats when i looked at her and realized the annoying girl had a pretty face). for some reason, that really caught my attention and it really made me think. from being annoying, she made herself interesting by revealing something i wanted to find out and confirm (is it really diverse as she claims?). well, unfortunately, she didnt stay in our university long enough for me to know her more. during that short period (one semester to be specific), she remained a mystery to me despite her somewhat very open and sociable personality. she was friendly but not too friendly. she was noisy and talkative but she did it in moderation. she knew when to talk and when to shut up (or maybe thats just what appeared to me). i liked the way she dressed (from top to bottom). i liked her scent. i liked her hair. i liked her playfulness. her voice was fine (i didnt like the voice of the other girl i liked almost half a decade later). point is, she didnt really stand out from the group of people in the room but what made me initially notice her is what she said about her personality. she said it with such confidence like she was declaring some unbending truth. not really. she just said it recklessly but i believed her nonetheless (or i wanted to validate her reckless claim because if it was true then...). thats what i really wanted to find out. so i may usually sound shallow when i always give a lot of consideration to physical beauty but i do take into consideration personality. well, physical beauty is a prerequisite in most instances. in some instances, the personality must be so great that it complements the physical beauty (meaning, i notice the personality first then i realize the physical beauty).

library music

2011-09-12T21:30:00.000+08:00

during the 2010 bar review, this is what i played in my mp3 player whenever i review in the library and my review pace starts to slow down. this is also the song i use whenever the person sitting near me is noisy. i really love this song.

this is how its supposed to be

2011-09-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

just last tuesday, i made a comment that maybe september decided to become buddies with august after a really stressful day. yesterday, i thought september might be the new august. thankfully i was wrong.

i was supposed to have three court hearings today (well, two court hearings and one court related matter). two of them were rescheduled this morning, the moment i went to the court itself. some lawyers would probably be pissed because they drove all the way from somewhere only to find out that the hearing they're going to attend got cancelled. not me. having three scheduled cases in one day is a first and fortunately, two of them didnt push through. i would probably be almost as stressed as last tuesday if all three pushed through (i think last tuesday will still be more stressful).

i dont care if i dont get any appearance fee. half, if not most, of my cases are pro bono anyway so im really used to free legal services (although im starting to feel that i cant keep this up much longer because of the financial needs im starting to have). as long as it means less work, less stress, even if it leads to less pay, i dont mind.

my lazy self is really getting tired with all the work that ive been having lately.

the third scheduled hearing pushed through. if this one got cancelled, it would mean using a tremendous amount of luck that i would worry what i have to give back in return. but even if did push through, it wasnt as stressful as i thought it would be. it actually went much better than what i initially thought would happen.

rewind, rewind further then fast forward

2011-09-11T21:25:00.000+08:00

last year, i was in my hotel room preparing for the 2nd bar sunday. by this time, i was starting to feel how depressing it can be to be alone in the hotel room. the stress level and the loneliness was starting to drive me nuts. the experience made me realize how unprepared i was emotionally for the bar exams. i had to make use of some intellectual and spiritual strength to make up for it. i started making use of the mirrors in my hotel room to talk to myself. i kept telling myself not to panic and i try to boost my confidence by repeatedly telling myself "i can do this. one sunday at a time" (talk about being self-reliant). the complete silence wasnt really helping. i thought being alone in the hotel room would be beneficial to my last minute reviews because of the silence. using the television and watching some cable programs would be pointless since i wont be able to enjoy it because im bound to worry about the time (i only open the TV when im already tucked in bed, trying to fall asleep. i thought i had to use it for about 30 minutes since i paid for it anyway. i watched the arirang channel and there i found out about hayao miyazaki's new animated film. wow, got an info about a japanese anime director through a korean channel). my review breaks consisted only of one thing: watching girls generation music videos (for about 30 minutes). i also watched it during dinner time. i buy my own dinner at the nearby KFC. i take the meal back to my hotel room, eat dinner while sitting in front of my laptop watching the videos. it sounds pathetic but it worked. i was not comfortable texting or calling someone for company or to have someone to talk to. even if i was about to reach a low point, i still find it difficult to ask for help.

having friends drop by and visit during the saturdays before the bar sundays was really great. i wasnt able to show my appreciation for their show of support, since im not good with such thing, but i truly appreciated their visits. i even tried to tag along with some of them when they visited the other bar examinees. staying inside the hotel room for hours was really driving me crazy. it was torture. i had to tie the curtains of the hotel room so it wont be dim and gloomy even if my room at home was always dim and gloomy for more than a decade (until now. im not a fan of sunlight). it was that depressing for me.

anyway, 10 years ago, i was in my room, clueless of the terrorist attacks in the US. i found out about it the following day when i overheard a blockmate saying that when he informed another blockmate about it, she didnt believe him simply because it was the US they were talking about (this is our college blockmate who lived in the US for years). she thought that cant be possible. when i heard about it, my initial reaction in my head was "what the hell was i doing last night in my room?" i was probably in bed, listening to some music. that was my routine then.

fast forward to the present. i just spent my sunday afternoon in the office working. i wasnt able to go to the office for more or less three days last week due to health concerns. so the workload piled up. going to have another stressful monday tomorrow. i need to have some kind of social life again. the work stress might drive me crazy without me noticing it.

maybe i should read law books in my free time

2011-09-08T23:03:00.002+08:00

one notable thing i noticed now that im practicing law is my lack of confidence and uncertainty with what i know. i think i still sound like a stuttering law student when i explain the law or give legal advice. i just keep doubting myself.

its different when im asked about other topics. ask me about science stuff i know or tech stuff, i would discuss it with authority and sound like im taking the person to school (i think no one uses this phrase anymore. i probably havent heard it for more than half a decade). i become really persuasive and im good with bluffing when its about a topic im "comfortable" with. that's why my siblings always doubt me when i start to discuss something with enthusiasm. because sometimes i get carried away and i mix my opinion with the facts and make it appear as truths. i present myself as a know-it-all and really deliver what i know (or what i think i know) very convincingly. if only i can sell the stuff i know, i wouldnt be having any financial problems. the thing is, i need to really believe in what i know. its a basic thing in order to be confident about it.

i dont know why, despite after months of law practice, i still doubt myself. maybe because im too worried, that what i say will affect lives. i cant be careless in law practice. fatal mistakes can be committed (a person can rot in jail or a poor client can lose his or her life's savings), as opposed to being asked on topics that will not cause any irreparable or serious injury. im too mindful of the consequences that it makes me less effective.

this should have been my speech last May

2011-09-08T21:42:00.001+08:00

talked to a friend last week through text message. i havent seen him for more than 10 years and we just communicated by text because i greeted him on his birthday. if i remember correctly, our last communication was back in 2009 when he was showing some interest in the studio apartment i was about to vacate. wait...our last communication was May of last year. he saw a copy of the Candidates Profiles which i made as part of my job for an NGO and he texted me about it.

anyway, he appeared surprised to know that im now a lawyer. after seeing his reply, i realized i would be surprised too. becoming a lawyer was never my childhood dream. when i was just five years old, what i wanted to be was to become a scientist (i wanted to work in a laboratory, do some experiments and scientific research). science has always been my favorite subject. until high school, i wanted to become a scientist until one of my science teachers said that there's no future for Filipino scientists working in the Philippines. our country doesnt provide much support for our scientists. so when i was reluctantly choosing a course to take in college (i didnt want to go to college after being discouraged to become a scientist and after being heavily influenced by philosophy. i perceived it as an unnecessary form of educational attainment which merely prolongs my imprisonment in a social system that is imperfect and flawed. all i want was a simple life with a simple job with as little interaction with the systematizing effect of the order of things), i just chose the ones with the least math subjects. political science and philosophy (but i chose architecture in one of the universities because it was their field of expertise). so i eventually became a political science major and earned a degree in political science. in a way, i could still be a scientist. a political scientist. but for some reason, when i was in my junior year in college, i decided to study law. why? because i think it would be interesting. i find the field of law interesting to study. thats why i really referred to it as "further studies". at that time, i was a nowhere man with nowhere plans and taking up law would seem to give me some kind of direction. or a not so boring path to take. i really thought of it as a study of law (i never watched ally mcbeal or any other laywer related tv series before (and until now) so television, and film, has nothing to do with my decision to take up law).

i also had no idea how lawyers become rich in their profession. i grew up being told that lawyering was hard work and they get paid in kind, not money. that was my impression (thats why i was puzzled when people make comments about how profitable it was to be a lawyer). my relatives, who were lawyers, were paid in the form of poultry, bread, seafood, etc. simple stuff. they never told me the "good" side of lawyering or that lawyers have really "nice" salaries. i was just told how noble the profession was, that its some form of public service without asking anything in return, etc. i was also really clueless about law firms. so when i decided to take up law, it was really to study further an academic field i find interesting.

i didnt take my law school studies seriously during the first few years. it was only when i was in third year did i start to take it seriously. i thought, "crap, it seems i might be able to finish law school. this shit is getting real". so i took it seriously, studied well, and started making plans. i mean, ive gone far enough to the point that i must have plans. having no plans with such a profession would be a lot of waste of a lot of things. lawyering is really serious stuff. its a privilege to practice law. now that its starting to sink in what ive gotten myself into, i must make sure i dont do anymore idiotic things ive done in the past (and i think ive repeatedly stated that ive done a lot of really idiotic things that are just so seriously stupid that it haunts me). the time and effort that would be lost...its just...things are really starting to become a big deal. this is why i would be surprised to know that im a lawyer. its not really my thing but the fact that i got this far, i cant simply brush it aside as nothing. lawyering is truly an interesting profession but its really for my intellectual stimulation and not for my laid back and somewhat lazy personality.

reminds me of shikamaru nara who just wants a simple life but cant have it simply because it would be a waste of potential.

the day after the fifth of september

2011-09-06T23:04:00.000+08:00

by this time last year, i just slept a lot. my initial plan was to study the day after the first bar sunday. that was just...difficult to do. the exam itself was so mentally draining that a night's sleep wasnt enough to recharge. it was days, if not a week, of preparation for every bar sunday so i think it makes sense that even a full eight hours of sleep will not suffice to have enough energy to hit the books again so soon. or maybe it was just me.

i remember waking up that monday morning and then saying to myself to rest a little more. by lunch time, ive decided to just rest for the remainder of the day. i will just have to make the most out of tuesday. i was still worrying a lot about the 2nd bar sunday because the subjects scheduled for that day were civil law and taxation law. civil law covers a lot of law subjects and im not good with some of those fields of law (like contracts and obligations). as for taxation law, its like math to me. i remember when i was still a law student, i went to the mall and watched a movie the night before the final exam for my taxation law subject. thats how much i didnt care about taxation law. i didnt mind failing it because i have no patience to understand it. i have the knack to just stop caring all of a sudden. i really reach a point when i just "drop" things. its like the opposite of the saying "fall seven times, stand up eight". fail once or twice, stop trying and just do something else. why bother falling five more times. just do something else and move on. that is why im more of jack of all trades, master of none. im ok with reaching an average level of competence. i dont want to be stuck perfecting something.

anyway, i passed my taxation law subject in law school. as regards the taxation bar exam, fortunately, the arellano law bar review helped me a lot in understanding taxation law. if not for the arellano bar review, i wouldnt have passed the taxation bar exams. seriously. it was the arellano bar review that saved me from the latter half of the second bar sunday.

fast forward one year later...holy shit. i had a better day last year! if i only knew then that i will have a really stressful day today (which was preceded by a stressful day due to health reasons which made today more stressful), i would have appreciated my "rest" day last year much, much more.

i just need a pocketful of sunshine. or maybe a cool, rainy night

2011-09-06T19:20:00.000+08:00

according to a Yahoo Health article, there are 12 signs of depression in men. if i were to believe yahoo health, im suffering from depression.

the 12 signs are:

fatigue
sleeping too much or too little
stomachache or backache
irritability
difficulty concentrating
anger or hostility
stress
anxiety
substance abuse
sexual dysfunction
indecision
suicidal thoughts

now, if i were to ask myself whether im depressed based from these signs, i would say "thats absurd". sure i have 10 to 11 of the 12 signs but i dont feel depressed at all. i dont feel happy but i dont feel depressed either. i recall suffering from depression years ago and that really felt like i hit rock bottom. of course i never really hit rock bottom before but thats how i felt back then. i dont even want to leave my bed and i really dont care about anything (this was during the memorable year of 2004. august 2004 took me on a roller coaster ride and i then found myself crashing and burning months later. good thing i managed to pull myself together the year after). maybe that was a severe kind of depression but i really dont feel depressed right now. maybe im in denial? nope. i would think i might be heading there but im still far from it. i mean, i would admit i might be in some low and somewhat depressing point in my life but i still dont fail to see the brighter side of things. i just had a stressful day but i still manage to do the things i normally do. usually, when im really down, im going to hit the bed and sleep early and hope things will be ok by the time i wake up. i havent reached that point yet so im ok.

i would rather say today is not a good day instead of just having a bad day

2011-09-06T18:54:00.000+08:00

holy shitload. just had a really, really stressful day. made me think if september has decided to become buddies with august.

i started the day by going to a doctor's clinic located in a hospital to consult some health related concern (i just dont run out of health problems). the doctor recommended an expensive medical procedure to see what's wrong (yup, just to see what's wrong). i just dont run out of unexpected expenses. just last sunday, i bought a P24,000 desktop computer to replace our desktop PC that just crashed last month (well, my sister gave a few thousand bucks so i really just spent P19,000). just a few months ago, i also had other health problems that made me spend a lot too because of the expensive medication. i think my internal organs really hate me right now. or maybe im just rotting from the inside.

anyway, the reason i went to the doctor this morning was because i was really feeling bad the day before. it was so bad that i was sweating in an airconditioned room and i cant concentrate during the court proceedings. i even went home early (i asked for a half-day) because i was really in pain and was feeling weak.

after having a stressful visit from the doctor (unexpected expenses really stress me out. especially now that i just spent a lot recently and it will take some time for me to recover it), i went to the office and received a court decision that ive been waiting for a month. i was already half-expecting an unfavorable decision because there's been a rumor about it more than a week ago. i was expecting this decision last august but it just came out today. out of all the cases ive handled and im currently handling, this is the one that stresses me out the most. it just had to come out today, when im having health problems. it stresses me out so much i dont want to think about it now. i will deal with it tomorrow.

i also pricked my thumb with our abnormally sharp fork while i was washing it so i can prepare myself a tuna sandwich after a stressful day. normally, i go to some fast food place after a stressful day but since im on a tight budget because of the goddamn expenses, i will just have to settle for food thats somewhat free (since im the one who buys the groceries, its not really free).

remember, remember the fifth of september

2011-09-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

i think this month will be filled with "by this time last year..." posts.

by this time last year, i finished my first bar sunday. i shared the room with two blockmates. and i barely slept the night before. not that i reviewed a lot of stuff the day before but i just couldnt fall asleep fast enough (fell asleep between 1am and 2am) and i was worried of going into a deep sleep (so i slept very lightly that i heard the sound of paper being slipped under my hotel door).

i remember dropping the readings i was reviewing that saturday by 11:30pm. the last materials i read were the decisions by Justice Carpio-Morales. then i watched one last girls' generation music video then went to sleep (that was one of the reasons i always brought a laptop every saturday before the bar sunday. when i start to panic, all i had to do was watch one of their videos and i start to think that things will be okay. i still do that until now). like i said, i fell asleep more than an hour later. and i really didnt get to sleep very well. next thing i know, one of my law school friends was calling my cellphone to make sure i was awake (i didnt know then that the hotel provides a wake up call so i requested my friend to do it the night before). i got up, read the materials that was slipped under my door, took a good cold shower then had breakfast at the hotel's dining area. went back to my hotel room, a good friend brought me my lunch, then my family went to my hotel room to wish me good luck. a few more law school friends also dropped by to wish me well for the first bar sunday.

i left my stuff at the hotel's receptionist area then walked to la salle. i surrended my cellphones at the guard station then started looking for my room assignment (felt like a high school student looking for my class section). i was assigned in the same room with two blockmates/law school friends. since we were the ones who didnt graduate on time, being in the same room with them was really good. its nice to have a familiar face during that time. made me think of our freshmen year and at the same time, brings some kind of comfort.

the bar exams started, i made my first memorable mistake. i used the box of pens that was a year old. so naturally, most, if not all of the pens had "stale" ink. after using five pens, i raised my hand and told the proctor that im going to get my other box of pens. when i got back to my seat, i thought that my seatmate probably thinks im some idiot. anyway, because of the ballpen incident, i didnt notice i skipped a page. the page that says "start at this page". that was my second memorable mistake. i noticed that i skipped that page when i was already halfway through the exam. crap! fortunately, i skipped the first item so all i had to do was make sure that my first answer was two pages long in order to make use of all the blank pages.

the rules for taking the bar exam are really strict. and i think that there's truth in the saying that poor penmanship contributes in failing the bar exams. my penmanship sucks. but i tried to improve it for months just for the bar exams.

i was on a diet

2011-09-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

by this time last year, i was doing some last minute reviewing. the first bar sunday for the 2010 bar exams fell on the 5th of september. so on september 4, 2010, i got to my hotel room by 2pm and started reviewing for the first bar exam sunday of my life.

i remember having an empty fridge in my hotel room. although i bought a big mac meal at mcdonalds beside la salle before going to the hotel (since im going to be doing some last minute preparations, i must feed myself first), i didnt eat any other other food other than the meals i bought outside the hotel (dinner). just a few days earlier, i was asking my lawyer friends what i need to bring during the saturday before the bar sunday but my questions were more focused on review materials and stuff i need during the bar exam itself. food didnt really cross my mind.

so there i was in my hotel room, with a stack of readings and an empty fridge. fortunately, due to my tight budget, i was already used to not eating a lot. during the bar review, i lost a lot of pounds because i got used to studying without eating much. so when a few friends dropped by to check on me (actually, they checked the fridge), they volunteered to help me "scavenge" for food. they said that its essential to have food. so when we went to the hotel room of another friend who was also taking the bar exams, who also happened to have a lot food with her, i only asked for a couple of bottled water. one for saturday and one for sunday. that's all i need to survive the first bar sunday. my mind was really more focused on the exam and nothing else. i was that worried about the exams that my mind doesnt care about anything other than the exam. screw food. when my mind is really set on something, i start to have some tunnel vision and fail to see anything else. i wont even notice im hungry. well, i will notice it the moment i drain myself to the point i have no other choice but to faint. fortunately, that didnt happen.

last 2 hours and 8 minutes

2011-08-31T21:52:00.000+08:00

the last day of august. finally. or is it too soon to write this? i mean, august still has 2 hours left to slap me in the face so hard it could break my neck.

anyway, compared to other augusts, this one was more passive. or maybe im just more vigilant? maybe im getting used to it? maybe its the rainy weather that made things tolerable?

the really unfortunate stuff that got to me were when the desktop PC crashed (based from my canvassing last weekend, i really am going to spend more than a month's salary for its replacement) and when my office pen broke (it broke while i was on the phone talking to an annoying client. and i was starting to get attached to that pen). there were also the unexpected expenses. there was a day when i was only planning to spend P35 for a korean ice cream but since it was not available and did not plan in case of its unavailability, as an alternative to the ice cream i craved (when i crave for something and i dont get it, i need something to replace it that would make me temporarily forget what im craving for), i ended up buying KFC's Tower burger and 8 pieces of california maki in a nearby japanese restaurant (and i was also planning to buy pizza! good thing my brother was there to stop me). and i had to buy snacks for my parents too since im going to eat the food i bought at home. so i spent around P500. from P35 to P500 (since last year, im blaming august for my sudden loss of control over myself. last year, i became addicted to SNSD and disrupted my study schedule. i dont regret it of course because somehow it made the bar exams bearable yet my sudden loss of discipline to study could have prevented me from passing the bar. fortunately, the bar exams were held on september so whatever i lost in august, my luck managed to make up for it during september). this is why there are times that i really need to have a plan. when i just do things, i really just do things.

so august 2011 was like carrying a bag full of bricks all month long while getting hit with small pebbles on my face. its annoying and burdensome yet tolerable. its not as terrible as the previous augusts. now im going to put down this bag of bricks and wear my lucky jacket by the time i wake up tomorrow, which hopefully, september brought.

my broken pen, which was given to me as a gift by my cousin and his fiancee (wife in less than 2 weeks) when i passed the bar exams (a simple gift and i really liked it). how can i clip it now?:

i guess its really not that bad

2011-08-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

i get depressed when i lose a lot of money unexpectedly. or i lose it on unplanned things. not that ive been victimized by another pickpocket but im about to lose more than a month's salary in the next few weeks.

i need to buy a new desktop PC for my siblings. our desktop PC crashed recently (no surprise there. its august) and im forced to realize the fact that its time to get a new desktop PC. its more than a decade old. well, in a way, it is. my parents bought it way back in 1998 (after i angrily complained about the typewriter. i was in 3rd year highschool and i was really pissed whenever i made mistakes while typing) and i had it upgraded back in 2003 but it still makes use of some of its old parts. the piecemeal upgrades ive been giving it after 2003 are mostly hard disk upgrades. i think it started with a seagate 2gig hardisk in 1998. crashed around 2001 or 2002 (thanks to napster! i was addicted to downloading songs that i filled the hard disk to the point it has no other option but to crash). so i bought a 20gig hard disk to replace it. then added another hard disk after 2003 (cant remember when exactly). last hard disk upgrade was back in March of 2009. our desktop PC is still running on Pentium 4 and Windows XP SP2. well, was still running until it crashed.

anyway, if i reformat it, it really wont be that useful. my siblings are already having a hard time using it. its current specs arent meant for photoshop and other graphic design related software. just months ago, my brother had to wait 10 hours before the desktop PC managed to save (just to save) a 2-3minute...video file (or whatever its called) he was working on. i cant upgrade this PC anymore since its parts are no longer compatible with the current hardware. just a few years ago, the repair guy said its already difficult (if not almost impossible) to get the kind of RAM our desktop PC uses.

since both my siblings are graphic designers or graphic artists or whatever they're called, i need to get a desktop PC with at least an Intel core i5 (so the laptop i bought for my sister earlier this year which makes use of an i3 is really barely enough). i dont think i can afford an i7. certainly i cant afford a Mac. i also need a motherboard (obviously), video card, a good amount of RAM and a better computer monitor (time to switch to LCD). i will also need to buy a new hard disk since the motherboard will make use of a SATA hard disk. all of our PCs hard disk are still IDE.

normally, i wouldnt be depressed to buy gadgets. but since i really dont have the money allocated for it, im not that enthusiastic. im already having difficulties saving up for a tablet. with this desktop PC purchase, i dont think i will be buying myself a tablet anytime soon (and i just tested a demo unit last tuesday! and was able to see the samsung galaxy tab 10.1). maybe its because im going to spend a lot and im not going to be the one who will be using it. i dont mind if im not going to use it as long as i wont be the one spending for it. i dont mind spending a lot as long as im the one who will be using it. or maybe because ive been bombarded with a lot of bad work-related news lately that even buying gadgets cant cheer me up.

eight days. just eight more days. well, hopefully, just eight more days.

2011-08-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

i had a hearing in Mandaluyong earlier today. its my third time to attend the hearing for this particular case. forgetting the fact it was august, i didnt expect the unusual number of MRT commuters at the MRT station i go to. it took me 40 minutes before i got the much needed MRT ride.

with my luck on my side, my normal commute is usually hassle free. during times when i need it (so this doesnt happen all the time but during "crucial" times), the public transport i need luckily appears right before me like it was something scripted or orchestrated. i step out of the door of our house, walk a few meters and by the time i reach the street where i wait for the jeepney, the jeepney i need exactly stops right in front of me the moment i reach the "jeepney stop". i ride it, then upon reaching my destination, like the MRT for example, i buy my ticket, pass through the ticket gate and the MRT train appears. by the time i reach the yellow line, the train has stopped, the door opens and there's an available seat. the commute goes smoothly and efficiently and as expected. thats why i consider it a science. my calculation for my commute time is usually off by only five minutes (so its plus minus five minutes from my estimate).

since its august, ordinary rules dont apply. well, ordinary rules that take luck into consideration dont apply. so i was late by 30 minutes for my court hearing. fortunately, and thank God for this one, my case was the second to the last case scheduled for today. so my case wasnt called until an hour later. but it was my first time to be late for a court hearing. and since i was late, i was rushing and flipping through my case file and texting our law office when i remembered that i need to take note of something (during this time, i didnt know what case number was being handled by the court so i was assuming that my case would be called anytime soon).

in the end, things turned out okay so im not complaining. its just that i was late for my court hearing and time was wasted. got tired because of it. ok, so i am complaining. but just a bit. and im expecting that tomorrow's court hearing might not go smoothly too.

i need to develop better financial management skills

2011-08-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

holy shitload batman! the samsung galaxy 10.1 is now available! well, if im not mistaken, its available for those who had their units reserved the moment the first batch comes in. i think it will be available in retail stores by next week.

crap. i dont have the money to buy one. actually....if i really, really want it, i have enough money available to get one but if something unexpected happens (like catching the dengue fever), im going to be draining my savings and putting myself back somewhere near my financial position last year. almost bankrupt.

since May, ive been having a lot of expected and unexpected expenses (in addition to paying some of the bills). i thought i wont be spending as much in June, july and august but, well, medical concerns arose and medication is really expensive. then there's my big appetite and my very picky tongue that favors expensive food (i guess this is why i volunteered to be the one in charge of buying groceries). plus my weekly trip to the cinemas to watch as much movies i can in my movie list for 2011 (right now, im not sure if i can manage to squeeze Cowboys and Aliens in my schedule this week).

going back to tablet talk, do i really need the 10 inch samsung tablet? or am i good with just the 7 inch model, the P1000? when i take a closer look, i prefer the 7inch model with its SMS support (so it can serve as the 3rd phone that i think i need) and card slot (thus allowing its memory to be expandable up to 32gig in addition to its internal storage). my only problem with it is its Android Froyo 2.2 OS. it would have been perfect if it had Android Honeycomb v3.0. it would be nice to have a bigger screen but im after portability and i think the 7inch screen would suffice to accomplish "emergency" office work (like urgent emails, last minute editing on pleadings or legal memos, urgent research work, etc.). i can go anywhere, anytime without much worries because i can do my work wherever i go. this is something a laptop was supposed to accomplish but with the current standards, its not portable enough. its not as convenient as having a tablet PC. its not that the laptop is going to be replaced by the tablet PC anytime soon (the same way the desktop PC is not necessarily obsolete. there are instances where the desktop PC is still necessary and a laptop can't possibly replace it anytime soon) but having both makes things more efficient and convenient.

the P1000 is good enough to address my office needs. and i dropped the kindle off my gadget list because it can serve as an ebook reader as well (but it cant be just a replacement to an ebook reader since the price gap is really big). it seems that i really dont have a good reason to go for the samsung galaxy tab 10.1 except that its larger and has an OS specifically made for tablets. the features that i want are in the P1000. hmm. did i just get excited for no reason? i hope there will be a further price drop in the P1000 so i can manage to buy one this september. but even if im aiming for a P1000, im still excited to see the new samsung galaxy tab 10.1 at retail outlets.

its time to clean my room

2011-08-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

a mouse just jumped right in front of me, behind my laptop (while i was thinking of something to write about. now i have a topic thanks to that mouse). it came from underneath the book shelf above my desk. i had to check the shelf if there's a hole in it. i didnt see any. well, i didnt really try to look for a hole, i just gave it a simple check if there's any easily seen hole in it. after checking lazily, i didnt see any

i havent cleaned my room for at least...2 years? im not quite sure. but it seems ever since i started preparing for the bar exams, i never cleaned my room. when i say clean my room, i mean cleaning every inch of it except the walls and ceiling. i try to get rid of all the stuff i wont be needing. so after every clean up i have plastic bags of trash and dirt.

during college, i even re-arrange my room whenever i clean it. i try to make it more "efficient". i organize things in a way that the stuff i frequently use are easy to get, and stuff i just keep and dont use are placed in that part of the room where it would be least intrusive to my daily activities (now that i think about it, the only thing i do in my room nowadays is sit in front of my laptop and sleep. i do a lot more things in my room back then)

as i grew older, i got busier and the less time i had to clean my room. cleaning my room takes at least one day. like i said, i try to cover every inch of it. i also re-organize my stuff. so it takes me one entire day usually, sometimes two days.

since i clean my room less, there were times it got really toxic that i had to really clean it up as soon as possible. as of now, the toxicity of my room is starting to go beyond the tolerable level. the mouse just made me realize that its been some time since i checked my stuff that are placed inside drawers and shelves. and now that i look at my room, i have piles of reading materials from law school that i dont really need anymore. actually, 1/3 of my room is made up of reading materials. really dusty reading materials. crap. 1/3 of my room is made up of paper.

im going to use the long weekend next week for this clean up task.

i need to get new alarm tones

2011-08-17T23:57:00.002+08:00

i have to change my customized cellphone alarm tone every other day or every three days. if my ears get used to the alarm, it develops some kind of "immunity" from the alarm tone and my ears fail to transmit the sound to my brain. the next thing i know, i already overslept.

i like sleeping too much that my self is trying to find ways not to disrupt my sleep. back in high school, i just had one alarm clock and its alarm tone couldnt be changed. that was enough. i didnt oversleep. well, i also had insomnia then (that lasted for months) so i barely slept when the alarm goes off or i didnt manage to sleep at all.

now, i use my two cellphones as alarm clocks and i need a specific ringtone that would wake me up. the ringtone must be something my ears will easily pick up and will penetrate my "dreamy state". even if my phones are just a foot away from my bed (sometimes, just a foot away from my ear), if its not a good alarm tone, i really wont hear it or my ears make sure the sound wouldnt register in my brain.

the role of my first cellphone is to wake me up a bit (so this has to be the "stronger" alarm tone). that way, i would be able to hear the second cellphone's alarm tone go off (this alarm tone is the one which somehow brings me to my senses). so every morning, im like warming up for the waking up stage with two alarm tones going off in succession, in at least 15 minute intervals (i usually go for 30mins). and i dont wake up when the two phones go off. i constantly reset it based from the level of work i have for the day. if im busy, i will reset the alarm to ring again in 10-15 minutes. if im not that busy, i could reset it to a full hour. the interesting part is, i dont hit the snooze button. so the cellphone alarm will keep ringing in intervals until i finally decide to wake or finally get tired of resetting it. so its like an ongoing "negotiation" every morning between my sleepy self and my persistent cellphones (to wake up now or wake up a little bit later). it also forces me think about my day ahead. although i already have an idea the night before how busy i will be for the day, my perspective changes once my subconscious self enters the picture. it asserts its decision making self and try to convince my conscious self (during my half-conscious state where the two meet) whether i need to wake up early or later, whether i can afford another hour of sleep or only 15 minutes more. this is how difficult it is for me to wake up in the morning.

the last time i didnt have problems waking up was way back in 2009. ever since, i always had problems getting out of the bed (an exception would be sleeping in places other than my bed. i easily wake up in new and unfamiliar environments). of course, this morning routine only applies when i dont have anything out of the ordinary planned for the day.

life is all messed up but we'll survive

2011-08-16T22:53:00.001+08:00

i was riding the LRT on my way home. i came from the SC for the 2nd half of the oral arguments. i had my earphones on, as usual. i listen to my mp3 player whenever i take long commutes (and when i roam around the mall alone or buy groceries so i wont be pestered by salespeople). even if i had my mp3 player on full blast, i still cant avoid hearing the conversation of a couple in their late teens standing beside me.

they were talking stuff appropriate for their age. problems appropriate for their age. humor appropriate for their age. concerns appropriate for their age. made me think how simple life was. actually, what i told myself during that time was "their innocence is annoying". i was irritated by their world view or the way they perceive their world. maybe im just envious that they can still take life lightly. of course i can still do that, take life lightly, but with what ive seen, learned and experienced, its difficult to just ignore how things are. i mean, im a lawyer and i cant turn a blind eye on things my profession should properly address. we have duties and responsibilities like the doctors, engineers, etc. its not simply about earning a living but applying the knowledge weve gained even if it means not getting anything, monetary or in kind, in return.

back in college, i just took a course that would surely lead to a college degree and i really didnt give any thought on whether im going to apply it or what use i will have for it. im glad to realize that to a certain extent, i enjoyed my college life and didnt take things seriously. i dont even bother to figure out how i finished college. i just did. as for law school, i started taking it seriously when i was in my third year (and i stopped taking it seriously when i reached my fifth year).

going back to the kids (i comfortably refer to people ages 21 and below as kids), i hope they finish their studies and make the right decisions. life, aside from being unfair, will be harsh and difficult. i hope they dont end up needing the assistance of a lawyer.

is cut and paste manual reblogging?

2011-08-15T00:28:00.004+08:00

Last Words of a SONE to SNSD

The following is a blog/diary entry by a terminally ill SONE in July 2011, just weeks before SNSD’s solo concerts.

To: Girls’ Generation

You will probably never know who I am..
And you will probably never be able to read this.. ^^
But there’s someone who always diligently reposts my words so perhaps there is a chance.

I first saw you… September 2007… such a long time ago, right?
I bet you guys must also cringe at how you were back then…
Up until then, I had never been a fan of anything…
So how did I end up liking you so much?

I became addicted to cigarettes despite having been in ill-health
and I came to like you guys so much that I began to regret this,
When the first SONE fanclub membership was open… I wondered what the point of going that far would be.
To this day, I regret not joining… and last year, I could not because I came down with a sudden illness…
I regret so much that I couldn’t be more active in supporting you.
I realised too late how amazing it is to hang out with people, the SONE, who loved you and thought dearly of you as much as I did…
And 2008, when joy became horror… I had nobody to console or to be consoled by
But I stoically waited for you. And when it passed… and I saw the teaser for ‘Gee’
I cried silently.

Thank you.. Thank you so much.. Thank you for returning to our side..
But as you began your activities and I came to see you more often…
I began to forget to take care of my own body..

This would have been the first, and last, solo concert that I could have attended..
I’m sorry.. sorry that I don’t even have the strength to attend them now.

From the beginning to the end… I love you all… I wanted to see you…
I have never said “Right now, it’s Girls’ Generation” to you…
And so from now on, as long as my eyes are open and I still breathe, I will keep regretting…

I am not sad that I may have to go to America…
You guys are really famous now… no matter where I go, I can still hear news about you.

To you… I am just one of the hundreds of thousands of SONE…
In a concert arena, I am just one of the hundreds of SONE chanting for you…
On your birthday, I’m just one of the the hundreds of SONE writing letters to you…

Despite all that, I still like it all…
Because I feel your love…
I feel myself thinking so dearly of you, loving you…
Have I ever been a fan of anything this much in my life?
In the precious little time I have left, will I stop being this much of a fan ?
I don’t think so.

You know, even if I’m just one of
Hundreds of thousands… hundreds… I don’t mind.
SONE who say “I love you all forever”…
These really are the amazing people…
I don’t know if anyone else will see me like this, too…
But however I appear… but SNSD! You… all you need to know is this:
No matter where you are, no mater what you do…
We will be cheering you on.
Congratulations on your second solo concert… and I hope that you will stay healthy this year, too.

From,
a SONE among hundreds of thousands

Source: 내사랑단신님. (bestiz)
————-
This person successfully got the tickets to the concert, but was unable to attend. This was because they had to go to America on July 23rd for a last-chance medical treatment, with the SONE saying that this may be the end of the road.
We have not heard from them since.

I have been asked to spread this as wide as possible.
K-SONE are doing their part and spreading this post… so that SNSD can read the final words of a person who loved them so dearly and fulfill the dying wishes of a fellow SONE.

credits: bestiz, oniontaker@soshified.com, imwhywhy@twitter, dan4413jwfJUH@soshified.com, http://snsdkorean.com/

going back 365 days ago

2011-08-14T23:59:00.002+08:00

its been one year, if im not mistaken, when i started getting addicted to SNSD.

if i remember correctly, by early august last year, i started browsing youtube videos of female celebrities i like, ranging from Audrey Hepburn to Megan Fox (opposite poles when it comes to acting), due to the intense boredom caused by the bar review.

one of the videos i checked out (or revisited, since this was the music video i watch to improve my mood since 2009) was Girls' Generation's Gee around August 10, 2010. it was only then that i learned and saw their music video "Oh". after that, my interest in the korean girl group just grew more and more and the next thing i know, i wasnt reviewing for the bar exams anymore.

well, i was still reviewing for the bar because it was already crunch time but i was spending my nights (from around 6pm onwards) watching various SNSD youtube clips until around 2am or even later. i dont know how i managed to finish my bar review but somehow i did. i remember always starting my day with a cup of coffee and three music videos before i start commencing reading any review material scheduled for the day. i also remember blaming august for ruining my review schedule because of my unexpected addiction to the girl group. i mean, i only had half a month to go before the first bar sunday and all of a sudden, i cant discipline myself to study. having something like watching youtube videos for hours wasnt covered by any review plan i had come up with. so i revised my review plan with only two weeks left so i can cover the crucial materials for the bar exams while still getting my fix. fortunately, im a person known for my speed. but still, i really cant remember how i managed to finish my bar review. what i remember are the times i sat in front of the laptop watching girls' generation youtube videos for hours and re-posting my favorite ones in another blog so i can easily watch it again.

a year has a passed and i dont think my infatuation junkie self will go away anytime soon. i still dont consider myself a fan because compared to most fans of the SNSD, my thing for SNSD is really nothing. their fans are really something. and its because of these fans that propelled the kpop girl group to where they are now.

coincidentally, it was august last year when they started doing their japan promotions and released their japanese version of their music video TMYW (Genie). just when i was starting to like them, they were already moving to japan to increase their influence after dominating south korea's music scene. this is the video my friend saw me watching in my hotel room during one of the saturdays before the bar exams. i was watching downloaded music videos to relax me a bit. he thought they were japanese because the song is in japanese.

movie day

2011-08-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

watched Rise of Planet of the Apes at SM north then i watched the Korean movie Hello Ghost when i got home. i liked both. so far im managing to watch most of the movies in my 2011 movie list.

Rise of Planet of the Apes is a nice prequel. not sure if this is going to be another film series but with the way the film was done, its seems very likely. i like this kind of science fiction films. with the positive response people are giving it, i dont think it will suffer the same fate of other films which were supposed to be the first installment of a series but no sequels were made due to poor box office performance.

as for Hello Ghost, i thought it was some rip-off of Ghost Town which starred Ricky Gervais (i remember seeing a portion of Ghost Town on HBO and then decided to rent it because i found it interesting. that was when there was still a nearby Video City at Matalino. whenever i see something i like on HBO, i rent it so i can watch it on my preferred time. now, im forced to add HBO's movie schedule on my schedule so i can watch what i want to watch). after watching it, i would say, not really. it makes use of the same concept of a guy who died for a few minutes and when he wakes up, he can see and interact with ghosts. the ghosts then ask the guy to do something for them. there's also a love story element in both films. but the ending is what really makes the two films different. the movie right from the beginning up to few minutes before its ending was very average. its really the ending that saved it. if i were to choose, i like Hello Ghost better because the ending has the effect of making the movie in its entirety better. its like Il Mare (the original version and much better version of The Lake House which starred Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock).

with movie day done, its time to sleep and start writing the position paper tomorrow.

just pulled an all nighter. sort of

2011-08-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

my cousin called me around 11:30pm last night asking me if i could go with her to visit a friend who was brought to the hospital. she was bringing me along because the incident might need the help of a lawyer. got home around 5am.

when i got home, i slept. then i woke up around 8am to text a client that i wont be in the office until around 10am. then i slept again. i need my sleep. i wont be able to function without sleep. managed to go to the office around 10:30am. worked until 4pm but i slept for 30 minutes during lunch.

i havent had such a late night to early dawn activity for so long. ive forgotten how and what the city looks like after 2am. whenever i go for a drink, i dont stay out later than 2am. although recently, ive gone out around 4am to go somewhere, its not the same as staying up all night.

i was supposed to watch a movie tonight but since i wasnt able to get enough sleep and i feel really tired, i will have to reschedule it this weekend.

if i had a death note when i was in grade school, she would certainly be in it

2011-08-09T21:40:00.000+08:00

i remember back when i was in third grade, my teacher absolutely hated me. and she didnt hide it. what made things worse was that she was my class adviser. so it was my first time that no one defended me before my other teachers.

from prep to 2nd grade, i remember my mother telling me that my class adviser was happy that i always get high grades. unfortunately, i was too talkative and hyperactive and these traits annoyed all my other teachers (for some reason, my math teachers lost their patience too quickly. my first grade math teacher threw the chalkboard eraser at me). so my mother would tell me that my class adviser is requesting that i try to behave during class so she wouldnt have to defend me before the other teachers who might grade me unfairly just because i was too noisy during class. that changed when i reached third grade, when i became my class adviser's enemy number one.

my third grade class adviser hated me so much that when i snatched the top spot in class during the first quarter, she announced to the class that they study harder so i wouldnt be number one. well, no one managed to get my top spot. the announcement just motivated me to annoy her

whenever i recite then and got the correct answer, she always try to insert some insults. most of the time, regarding my physical appearance (that im dark-skinned, ugly, skinny, primitive looking, etc). when she realized that its not affecting me at all (i valued my brain, not my physical appearance), she decided not to call me during recitation. that way, she wont have to give me points. well, i outsmarted her one time. she asked a question which i really, really want to answer (what volcano can be found in albay?). knowing she wont call me if i raised my hand, i pretended to be not paying attention. i looked out the window and acted i was watching the students playing at the basketball court. since no one else knows the answer, she decided to call me seeing that i appear to be not paying attention. the moment she asked me, i quickly gave her the correct answer. annoyed, she said i was correct and then added that if i look out the window again, she will hang me on the basketball ring. i easily ignored her comment. what was important to me was that i managed to trick her into calling me.

it seems what my parents and teachers told me is true

2011-08-07T23:37:00.000+08:00

veggies are good. although i cant say im healthier (since ive been sick a lot lately. thats why my body is clamoring for exercise). but i can see its good effects and benefits.

just learned about the Meatless Monday/Luntiang Lunes campaign earlier today when i overheard some program on TV.

the campaign reminded me of my meat-free lunch from Monday to Friday. i started doing this around mid-May so im now entering my third month. i think i was able to do this meat-free lunch during weekdays 98% of the time. 1% of the time i ate meat because food was provided for. my meat-free lunch only applies when i buy my own lunch. the other 1% is when im really not in the mood for veggies so i add a little meat to my lunch so it would end up half veggies, half meat. even if its been months, i still dont like eating veggies most of the time. it just so happens that i told myself i should start increasing my consumption of vegetables (because i was really starting to feel the pain of being unhealthy). and im starting to like meat less. there are days when i really dont like to eat meat and i prefer eating veggies. but that doesnt happen usually. there are weeks when i eat only veggies for two consecutive days.

im amazed that i was able to last this long, eating only veggies for lunch during office days. but even with the increased veggie consumption, im still a meat-loving creature.

the girl with an eye smile like no other

2011-08-01T19:36:00.000+08:00

dear august 2011

2011-07-31T23:00:00.000+08:00

so august we meet again.

well, were about to meet again in an hour (hopefully, im already sleeping by then). my normal luck will shut itself down for a month and i will have to deal with life, with its nasty tricks, without any help from the universe. to make things worse, mercury will go retrograde.

much as i dont want to meet you every year, i know i have to. not because youre an inevitability but because i have assigned your purpose. i grew up being treated by some people as that boy no one likes. its not that i was an outcast. far from it. i had really good friends. friends that really stayed with me through thick and thin. i had a very good and happy childhood (life was beatiful then). but being the hyperactive sociable kid (with the tendency to be greedy), i wanted to be liked by all. and everyone knows no one can win them all. being able to get good grades year after year doesnt mean all my teachers will like me. being sociable and friendly doesnt mean i can be friends with everyone or with anyone. and being related to my relatives doesnt mean im going to be accepted and treated like one. i had a hard time gaining some of my teachers' acknowledgement that im a good student (i was too noisy, too hyperactive, too annoying for some. some of my class advisers got tired of defending me from other teachers). i didnt become friends with a lot of classmates simply because i really cant be friends with each and everyone of them (but i always exerted an effort to reach out and then obviously, rejected because im not really their type. i was a dark and skinny kid. yeah, ive been discriminated against). and i had a difficult time getting most of my cousins' trust and approval (i was too talkative and i was also the youngest then so i got treated how most people treat the youngest in any group...the kid you pick on or the one that you cant relate to because he's too young. so i felt i always got left out and i dont belong).

its because of these experiences that motivated me to push myself forward and to become dependent on myself. i learned then that i dont need teachers to prove my intellectual worth. i dont need friends to feel secure about myself. and i dont need relatives to feel that im part of something or i have to be part of something. i dont really need anyone to be happy. this statement eventually became "i dont need happiness". thus, i became that emotionless silent type who doesnt care about anything except himself. but over the years, i loosened up a bit, softened up a bit, because of some good (and patient) friends and relatives who changed thanks to the maturity brought by age. in a way the "positive" change in me was a good thing but at the same time the change gets in the way of self-improvement. the change made me "weak".

thats where you, my dear august, comes in. being the only month (usually), thats harsh on me, ive decided to harness your cruelty to motivate myself and push myself forward (because thats how ive been programmed. i need negative stuff to do something positive. receiving positive stuff only makes me complacent). ive been on a slump for years and ive been trying to pull myself together but cant. so instead of doing my usual "preparing for the worst" attitude every august, im going to take it a bit further and try to capitalize on whatever shit you throw at me. of course, im not going to ask you to bring your worst. honestly, i really would like to take a break because im tired. even if ive had the other 11 months treating me "nicely" compared to you, its been a really tiring year. actually, since 2008, things started becoming tiring (i still have that 2008 birthday card that wished that i could get the much needed rest). and i expect it to be more tiring over the coming years. so i would have to toughen myself up the way i used to do and that is now your purpose august. so far youve never failed to ruin stuff for me lately (lately means past few years) so im going to expect you to be the usual irritating month that brings me a series of unfortunate events.

Echo used to have a different meaning to me when i was in college

2011-07-26T18:15:00.000+08:00

my sister asked me how come i dont use the PS3 to play games. she noted that 75% of the time i use it to watch videos of Girls' Generation.

like i said in one of my PS3 blog entries, what convinced me to buy the PS3 was that it can play .avi files. of course i was already persuaded to buy the video game console because of the wide selection and type of games that can played on the PS3 but what made me really want it is its capability to play movies and videos. sure i can watch the same videos on our LCD TV because it has a USB slot but i will have to keep on transferring and deleting the videos on my flash drive. with a PS3 with a 320gig hard disk, i can store it in the game console and play it anytime i want. i dont have to open my laptop, get a flash drive, copy the video and then plug it on the TV. in effect, i turned my PS3 into a media player with a video library.

it will take years before i manage to watch all the Girls' Generation videos available for download. aside from having hundreds of videos (ranging from TV programs, dramas, variety shows, reality shows, commercials, interviews, etc.), it takes time to download each video and i have a job so i can only watch it when i have free time. given my schedule, it will really take me years. and since they are still at their peak, more videos are added to their list of shows. of course, there will come a time i will get tired of it (im not like the hardcore fans who will readily answer "never" when asked if they will stop liking the girl group). i got tired of 50 First Dates (to a certain extent). i got tired of Sadako (didnt use my desktop wallpaper of her since 2004). i got tired of Pokemon (i was addicted to the Pokemon game on Nintendo Gameboy when i was in fourth year high school. no one noticed because no one expected a silent type to be playing it at home). i got tired of Mafia Wars and Cityville (hence i dont open my facebook account unless i cant think of anything else to do). i got tired of the other stuff i was addicted to that i dont even remember what they were. when that time comes, maybe i will start treating my PS3 like a video game console. but for now, these 9 angels will continue to echo in my brain and enjoy their videos stored in my PS3.

tragic third week of july

2011-07-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

three dead relatives in 4 days. my father's brother died last wednesday (stroke), my father's cousin died last thursday (heart attack), and my second cousin on my father's side died last saturday (car accident).

i was supposed to go to catanduanes tonight to attend my uncle's wake but i really cant leave my work. even if im done with the important pleading (submitted it today), new stuff keeps cropping up and i still havent handled my work related "to do" backlog.

i managed to go to my other uncle's wake last saturday night. little did we know then that in a few hours, my second cousin will figure in a tragic car accident. i can still remember his father greeting me cheerfully when i went to our relative's wake and saying goodbye to me as i was about to leave. he even apologized to me for not being able to go to my thanksgiving party. he was absolutely clueless of the tragic news he was going to receive in a few hours that saturday night. i dont know the details yet but i can imagine him coming home from his cousin's wake to find out one of his sons is dead. its really tragic. i can discuss this stuff like this because im not really close to my relatives but i do consider them as family.

my paternal clan unexpectedly became busy attending wakes of relatives. it also makes my parents extremely worried with death lurking in our family in this manner. my father keeps calling from catanduanes to check if were safe. i dont think they have to worry about me. if my sense of foresight is as good as i think it is, there's nothing to worry about me for now. sure i can die anytime because of a heart attack or a stroke but i think dying for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (like being in a 7-11 store when robbers suddenly decide to rob the store and recklessly shoot customers) is more probable at this point of my life than health reasons. the most harm my health can give me right now is pain and discomfort (which is what it has been doing for quite some time now). i think a freak accident is a more probable cause of death too. what im trying to say is, given my current way of life, its very unlikely for me to die of common causes of death (vehicular accidents, fatal health stuff, etc.).

if life would like to try to be funny, it would contradict me and im going to die in my sleep and this would be my last blog post. the good thing about it is, i dont have to go to work. the bad thing about it is...if i just knew, i would have used up my money on stuff and didnt save any. but i dont think im going to worry about that when im dead. but if i do die now or in the near future, at least im back on the path i once took where i dont have regrets. or at least i think im back to having some sense of contentment.

my laptop was nice enough to scare me

2011-07-25T00:41:00.002+08:00

i have a pleading that's due tomorrow. this pleading is so important to me that i invested a lot of time handling it compared to my Supreme Court petitions. i went out of my way to do extra research and even spent my own money for miscellaneous expenses. i had a draft of the pleading printed last friday and did some proofreading at KFC matalino for some final corrections (im too lazy to go to Burger King Timog given the rainy weather. i was informed that Mcdonalds Matalino will be under renovation for four months. crap. im left with KFC Matalino which isnt even half as good as Mcdonalds in every aspect. KFC matalino is open 24 hours and has wifi but i cant plug my laptop to an electrical socket simply because they dont have any for customers (according to their cashier). and the level of service is simply inefficient. and i dont think their coffee is good. so i bought coffee at 7-11 and then brought it with me to KFC. the only good thing about KFC is the chicken. i think everything else sucks. i think thats why i like Mcdonalds and Burger King, they dont only focus on the quality of their food but the other needs of their customers. and i digress).

after doing some proof reading i headed home. when i got home, i thought of making the corrections later since im not in the mood to continue working. i decided to do other stuff like updating the ringtones of my siblings' phones (i either get them a bunch of new ringtones or i make their requested customized ringtones from songs they like). i do the file transfers between phones and computers since i dont want our computers and cellphones to be infected by viruses and other malicious software. my laptop is the only computer which has an updated anti-virus. the other two computers have outdated ones (which i need to add to my "things to do" list since my siblings arent good with installing "good" software).

anyway, i think my laptop sensed im procrastinating so it decided to have its screen turn black to give me a scare. when it did that, i thought "what the? seriously? why does shit like this happen right before something really important? machines have the knack for breaking down on deadlines". it seems life and computers have conspired against crammers and procrastinators. good thing i have a good sense of foresight. i have an online back-up of my pleading due tomorrow and a copy in my flash drive in case for some reason, i have no internet access. but even with the back-up copies, it will make things inconvenient without my laptop. i still have lots of minor corrections to do.

instead of panicking, i tried to analyze what could have caused the problem. i checked if its lights were still on. the power button light was still on so it meant it didnt switch itself off (like when it overheats). the wifi indicator was also still on and its other indicator was blinking so it meant the laptop was still running. the fact its not the blue screen of death meant its not some error in the operating system. so i thought the only thing left was the screen itself. there's something wrong with the LCD screen. since i still remember what was on the desktop before the screen went black, i somehow managed to navigate through the screen and switch itself off. since its an LCD screen problem, i can plug it to the LCD TV and just continue my work there (now i dont regret buying a VGA cable for the LCD TV). but when i plugged my laptop to the LCD TV, it worked fine again.

because of the little scare/trick my laptop did, i was forced to finish my work early. now i just hope it wont do the same thing tomorrow when im about to print my finished pleading. i also hope the office printer wont malfunction because it will be quite expensive to print fifty plus pages. ive already spent a lot for this pleading.

reminds me of grade school dance presentations

2011-07-24T23:52:00.000+08:00

somehow the choreography for this song felt a bit different from the choreography of their other songs. this one takes me back to the 90s (late 80s/early 90s, especially the dance move at 1:55). i think their dance moves for this song are heavily influenced by that decade. im thinking this one was made by a different choreographer since it makes use of dance moves that aren't as original or trendy as the choreography for their other songs.

if only i could be this motivated in planning the pleading im currently writing

2011-07-19T13:41:00.001+08:00

watched the final Harry Potter movie last sunday. we (me and my siblings) were supposed to watch it next week because my brother said he has stuff to do last sunday. but my brother wanted to watch it so badly that he worked on what he was supposed to do last saturday night. come sunday morning, he said he was already free to watch the movie.

ever since the first harry potter movie, i knew there will be long lines. i even experienced watching a harry potter movie under SRO conditions (i used to have the habit of watching movies again if i really liked it. the last time i watched a movie a 2nd time while it was still showing in cinemas was TF2). given that the harry potter movie is not just any movie due to the long lines it creates, when my brother told me he is free to watch the movie that sunday morning, i knew we need to have a plan. i always make plans for this kind of movies. getting a good seat is very important. were not supposed to be seated at the side of the cinema (if im in charge of buying the movie tickets, getting seats located at the side of the cinema is unacceptable). i always get the middle seats of the middle portion of the cinema. and the distance from the screen must be just right (not too near, not too far). i always aim for the best seat in the cinema whenever i watch a movie (and i always try to bring a jacket in case the cinema is too cold. i dont want to be distracted by the room temperature). getting good seats isnt a problem for most movies but for insanely successful movies, the only time one can easily get good seats is when the movie has been released for weeks. that's why i was willing to watch the last harry potter movie next week so it would be easy to get good seats. but since my siblings wanted to watch it already, we need to be at the mall premises before 10am not only to avoid the long lines but also to be able to pick the good seats.

aside from getting there early, i had to check which cinema has the most available seats before we line up. i checked the available seats online and found out which cinema we should aim for (and which cinema we should pick next in case the good seats are already taken). i could have made an online reservation but since i havent tried it yet, there is the possibility of unforeseen error due to my lack of experience in making online purchase of tickets and seat reservations. i didnt want to take that chance and be disturbed by an unfortunate event while i watch the movie. with a particular cinema in mind, we went to the mall and got there 5 minutes before the mall opened. it was good to know that my watch is still attuned to the time the mall opens (my watch is exactly 20 minutes ahead of the mall time). as we were walking towards the mall entrance, i instructed my brother to line up at the movie ticket booth at the main building while im going to line up at the building where the digital 3D cinema is located (in case the ticket booths dont open at the same time). i told him that it is impossible for both of us to be the first person in line because there's always someone who will get there faster. i told him this because he joked that we were preparing too much so we might as well anticipate if both of us are first in line. since i know that the probability of that happening is very low, i didnt bother using some brain cells to anticipate such a situation.

anyway, the mall opened, people rushed in and more than half of this people started heading to the movie ticket booths. i ended up as the 10th person in line. my brother said he was also tenth in line. but given that my line is being served by two counters simultaneously, im going to reach the counter much faster so i told him to leave his line. when it was my turn at the counter, all i had to do is say the particular cinema, check if the seats are available and then purchase the tickets. my transaction was supposed to take only 30 seconds but the girl at the counter had problems processing my payment. such an inefficient creature.

with the movie tickets acquired, now comes lunch. since the movie will start around lunch time, we had to eat our lunch at least one hour before noon. that too should be planned well. we need to find a place which can serve our lunch quickly (or with the least probability of delay) and we must be able to finish our lunch in 30 minutes in order for us to have sufficient time to buy chips, popcorn and drinks. when we watched KP2, we failed to choose the right place to eat dinner so we werent able to claim our free popcorn for the movie because by the time we reached the cinema (which was 5 minutes before the movie starts because of the delay caused by the restaurant), the line for the snack booth was so long it was impossible to claim it in 5 minutes (we were able to claim it after the movie. during the movie, i was thinking if i can miss 10-15 minutes of the movie so i can step out of the cinema to claim the free popcorn. so i was already distracted while watching the movie). given this experience, it should never happen again so i now take into account the lines at the snack booth and the time it takes for the meal to be served.

since i wasnt expecting to watch the last harry potter movie that sunday morning, my mind was racing trying to think and anticipate everything so that i can make sure that we wont have problems before we enter the cinema. i want to watch a movie without worries or be disturbed by prior unfortunate events. i dont want to feel rushed either before i enter the cinema.

thats how i am...or how i can be whenever i take my movie time seriously.

the things i did today

2011-07-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

tried to revisit my law student/bar review days. i went to UP earlier today to have some TSNs photocopied. since the cheapest photocopying service i know is located inside the UP law library, i decided to have it photocopied there. unfortunately, and as usual, they have tons of stuff to photocopy so they wont be able to photocopy my TSNs immediately and i will have to return for it later that afternoon. so i did my work in one of the libraries i frequently went to during my bar review days - the econ library. the desks and the air conditioning in this library is much better than the law library. the only good thing about the law library is that its generally more quiet compared to other libraries. i remember my cousin noting that when she went to the law library (when she was still in college. and that was when i was still in high school), the students there gave her dagger looks and asked her to be quiet. and she told me she cant believe how serious students were inside the law library. i just gave her an expression that tells her that "shouldnt you be quiet inside a library?"

this is one of the things i constantly thought about during my bar review days: why can't people shut up inside libraries and chapels? arent these places supposed to be quiet? people talk a lot inside libraries and chapels. why are they in the library/chapel in the first place? shouldnt the primary activity inside a library is to read, and inside a chapel to pray? i think my college professor is right. Filipinos dont know how to whisper. they (since i know how to whisper, im going to use "they" instead of "we" Filipinos) whisper like Homer Simpson. i tweeted last year about how inconsiderate these people are for their natural inability to whisper. i remember thinking that librarians should have some kind of disciplinary powers to kick out anyone who "disturbs the peace". now that i think about it, i told myself during last weekend's mall wide sale that humans are so annoyingly noisy. how can they live in such a state of constant noise? why did humans decide to become noisy creatures? well, im not against loud stuff. im just against senseless noise (so there's meaningful noise) or simple noise that can be avoided. and rock music, even heavy metal, is not senseless noise. senseless noise is any audible thing that has no value or worth. so small talk devoid of any use except just to make use of one's vocal chords for the purpose of not conveying anything meaningful is senseless noise. the sound created by a construction area is an unavoidable noise. the squeaking sound created by a person with restless leg syndrome is a simple noise that can be avoided. i have restless leg syndrome and whenever my foot creates a squeaking sound, i adjust my legs so i wont have the urge to move it because i find the noise really annoying.

i digressed. i was supposed to write about revisiting my law student/bar review days. anyway, i worked inside the econ library (read some cases and edited a pleading), picked up my photocopied TSNs late in the afternoon then went to the mall. i went there to go to BK and try continue working there. but the place was packed. so i thought there should be more establishments for people like me who needs to plug their laptops (a tablet is starting to become more necessary by the minute. but given my recent expenses and foreseeable possible expenses, i might not be able to buy one until next year. sigh). normally, i would watch a movie so my trip to the mall wont be a waste but since im no longer a student, i cant use my time for other stuff just like that. watching movies needs to be scheduled (because i take my movie time seriously). i decided to have a quick bite at taco bell instead then headed home. my problem when im at home is that its almost impossible for me to work unless im in the mood or im cramming something. im really more productive if i take my work in my usual "work" areas (fastfood restos and libraries).

maybe this is where i got my "one day at a time" philosophy

2011-07-17T19:08:00.000+08:00

this song unexpectedly entered my head when i was disturbed by my cousin to tell me that my name is in the broadsheets. since i was already half-asleep while listening to 80s music, i grumpily said that its nothing new since its already the 2nd time my name has been mentioned in the printed news (yeah, i just ruined his cheerful mood. what can i do, i get really grumpy when someone wakes me up for something i dont find worth waking up to).

anyway, when i was about to resume sleep, this song started playing in my head. i decided to google it then find it on youtube since i have no idea what the song is. found out it was some praise song. i knew this song because when i was in grade school, we used this song for some school presentation. i cant remember the details of that school activity but i do remember some of the lyrics (thats why it was easy to google). i think i sang and presented the part "Even though you might grow weary / Don't be discouraged / In our weakness God is strong" because i still clearly remember the lyrics and the following stanza.

remembering this song made me realize how much i like doing school presentations. i enjoyed doing the song and dance activities. even in high school i try not to look i enjoy it during practice but when the actual presentation comes, i bring my A game. i still like doing this kind of stuff because i still did it during law school for the malcolm madness presentations and class projects. i like performing on stage. i guess i didnt consider developing this interest because people keep telling me i have a brain. people usually praised me for my intellect rather than the other stuff i do (like drawing). now that im thinking about this topic of other interests, i remembered wanting to become a comedian. i wanted to perform and make people laugh. specifically, through visual gags and not through stand-up comedy. that was when i was still a hyperactive kid.

with this song found, i have another song from my childhood that i need to find. this song will be much difficult to look for since the only word i remember from the song is "stalingrad". im not even sure if its "stalingrad". maybe its "leningrad". i will have to wait for the song to enter my head unexpectedly to gain useful clues on how to find it.

havent seen it. i just like listening to it

2011-07-12T23:51:00.000+08:00

who in their right mind would use the x-files theme as a cellphone alarm that goes off at 11:45 pm? well, i do. i have several cellphone reminders scheduled to set off 15 minutes before midnight to remind me of stuff before i sleep. and i chose the x-files theme as my alarm for such reminders. i think its been more than a year since ive had this alarm and it always makes me wonder where the creepy sound is coming from (although lately, im getting used to it). sometimes im cramming something late at night while everyone is asleep then the x-files theme suddenly plays. usually, im busy doing something or im half-asleep when the alarm goes off. not that the alarm tone scares me (i have a history of staring at a sadako desktop wallpaper in the dark at 1am. i was addicted to sadako then) but i always forget that its my cellphone alarm. so my usual initial reaction is wonder where the sound is coming from. it takes a few seconds for me to realize its my cellphone.

i chose it as my alarm tone because i dont want to have a loud/noisy ringtone that would go off a few minutes before midnight. well, i could have chosen another mellow ringtone like the song from "il postino" but i just had to choose a scary ringtone. one of these days, i would really like this alarm tone to go off while im outdoors in a somewhat silent and dark area and see if people would react the same way as i do: trying to find out where the hell the creepy sound is coming from.

now that i think about it, i havent seen one full episode of the X-files. not a single one (just like Ally Mcbeal). i just accidentally watch parts of it then change the channel.

i try not to burden myself

2011-07-12T22:38:00.000+08:00

a day after i wrote an MJ post, MJ starts haunting me. sort of. most of the places i passed by today were playing MJ songs.

anyway, i realized one of the perks of being a lawyer is that people treat you nicely when they find out you're a lawyer. i try not to look like one. i always wear a collared shirt, jeans and sneakers (plus five o'clock shadow). thats why a while ago, someone from the government office i went to told me that she will introduce me to their office lawyer but i had to act like one when i start to introduce myself. i guess i do appear to be someone who is not a lawyer (a law school batchmate who saw me when i dropped by a QC court told me that i still look like a student with my get-up). i guess i dont project the confidence lawyers have. its burdensome on my part to do that. im really reluctant to play such a role when i can do my lawyering without it. although i admit it makes a lawyer more effective, but as long as i can get by with using the least amount of effort, i will stick to what im comfortable with.

i dont introduce myself as a lawyer right away. i only tell people when they ask what i do. even when im filling out forms, if i can leave the occupation part blank, i will leave it blank. im really hesitant to inform people im a lawyer. whenever people find out my job, some of them starts to treat me differently. some start to have some sort of expectation. again, its burdensome. i would prefer to be treated by people the way they treat most people. that way i really get to know the person. i dont want to receive a special treatment from a person who only treats me in such a manner because of my profession. but like i mentioned earlier, it is one of the perks. so i only try to make use of it when necessary or when it cant be avoided. there's something about the word "lawyer" that its some kind of magic word for most people. once they hear it, they start to act differently in my favor...most of the time. sometimes when people find out that im a lawyer, they give me a puzzled look and wonder why the hell would i want to be one of the vilest creatures on earth (and i found it refreshing to receive such a reaction).

i just dont feel it anymore.

2011-07-11T21:53:00.001+08:00

its been a couple years since Michael Jackson died and i think i havent posted any blog entry about him. when i learned about his death, i was working for an NGO and i just heard it from an officemate. i didnt bother to know the details nor was i really surprised that he died. i didnt really care about the guy anymore so i wasnt that interested. i just thought, he's dead. so what? but i told myself then that i had to write an entry about him. he was my idol when i was a kid so he means something. or used to mean something.

what made me like MJ was his dance moves. i used to like to dance. i still think im good at it and can dance better than an average person (although im not sure if i look good doing it given my height. sometimes, my height makes me look awkward when i do stuff done by people with average height). anyway, i liked his songs too. in fact, the second cassette tape i owned was his Dangerous album (which i played in my walkman). i also contemplated buying the HIStory: Past, Present and Future, book I album but i found it too expensive. i was just a grade school student with a P20 allowance.

my mother didnt like him and discouraged me from idolizing MJ. ever since he started becoming white, he was just too weird and creepy. but i didnt care then. i liked him for his dance moves which i tried to copy. i copied it a lot that i became a choreographer for my grade school batch in one of our batch presentations. that was an ego boost. our class adviser was asking who could do the choreography for the MJ song and i was recommended by my classmates.

by the time i reached high school, i stopped liking pop music. well, not really. i still liked pop music as long as it was sung by a hot female or a group of hotties (i remember when i was in fourth year high school, i was thinking hard whether to buy the red hot chili peppers album or the album of a pretty spanish pop singer. i chose the latter). since then, i just stopped liking MJ. i noticed he released a few more singles over the years and maybe a couple of albums but i just didnt care anymore. i guess when a part of me died in high school, the part of me that was hyperactive, talkative, cheerful and liked to dance, i just stopped caring about stuff that i really loved when i was a kid. actually, i have a theory why i "died", why i dropped everything i liked before, why i stopped being happy. there's no way to test the theory at the moment. point is, im dead or the part of me that is alive is locked inside (and i have a theory how to revive that part of me. i just dont want to test it). here i am trying to write an entry about this guy that i think influenced me a lot when i was a kid but i really dont care about him anymore. its from a happy childhood which is a thing of the past.

so there you go. after a couple of years, i finally wrote an MJ entry. im not really obligated to write it but its something that i need to flush out of my mind. whenever i hear an MJ song, i remind myself to write an entry. its like a burdensome assignment that i want to get rid of. if yukie nakama died, i would probably write an entry much sooner and much better than this one. i dont know. i still acknowledge that MJ is a great performer and truly a pop icon and i really did idolize him. its just that over the years, ive changed a lot and much as i want to write something good about the king of pop, i just cant simply because im not the same person as i was before. it just so happens there's a voice in my head nagging me to write something about the dead guy. i guess the better thing to do is post a video that somehow pays tribute to him.

i think i need to get a second job

2011-07-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

i said something to myself earlier this morning that made me ask myself again whether i heard myself right. i do surprise myself from time to time. i asked myself why i think i need a tablet computer because im really trying to manage my expenses (this is my deliberative process where i try to convince myself whether an expensive item is worth buying. i ask myself from time to time questions and see if my answer will be consistent and persuasive, given that im the type who loses interest on things after some time. losing interest is equal to treating it as if it doesn't exist). lately, ive spent more than what was scheduled due to some unexpected expenses. so i answered myself saying that i need a tablet computer so i can work wherever i go, even when im on vacation.

huh? seriously? i want to work while taking a vacation? actually there's no surprise there but my initial thought for wanting a tablet computer is for easy access to files while im on the move, for efficiency. using a laptop just to check a portion written in a MS word file or just to check an email isnt efficient. and its not that accessible especially when i receive a call to check something in my computer while im lining up in a fastfood restaurant. so i thought a tablet computer would be nice. i could use it as an e-reader too (thats why i dropped kindle off my list) and i can check my codal provisions with ease. or make some minor editing on my pleadings when an idea suddenly comes to mind. i didnt consider wanting it so i can work while on vacation (although, admittedly, it will have that purpose but still, its not one of the favorable arguments i considered before). and i doubt i will be taking a vacation this year or probably next year (maybe by the end of next year would be the earliest).

so i asked myself another question, am i really a workaholic? maybe in a way i am. sure im not the type who gives his best in doing his work but somehow, my work is my life. its something that occupies me and its something worth doing. i dont like abandoning unfinished work and i try to be as responsible as i can be but i dont really love my work as much as it appears. not because i dont like it but i just dont love anything (unless one would want to construe my being an infatuation junkie as an exhibition of love, which i doubt can be considered as equal to one another). or maybe working is something that somehow minimizes the boredom thats why i appear to be always working.

anyway, the weekend has arrived. i will get some well needed rest. i bought the groceries today right after work so i wont have much to do this weekend. the only thing i have left for tomorrow is pay some bills. then if im in the mood, might do some work. i sound like a workaholic but i think im not. this work could have been finished weeks ago but since there's no deadline yet, ive been doing it on a piecemeal basis. so im not procrastinating and im not really working hard either. i just try to do my work with the least amount of stress.

swimming in a sea of contentment? not really

2011-07-03T21:45:00.000+08:00

i feel different today. im not sure if its because of my illness but i just feel different. its like walking on a peaceful street when the sun is about to set, seeing on one side of the street a serene old woman greeting affectionately a passing neighbor while a group of teens cheerfully walks and chats with each other on the other side of the street. no signs of any worries from them. the air is calm with the leaves of trees barely moving but one can still feel a faint wind hitting one's face. and the street is just really quiet as the sun continues its gradual descent. the atmosphere is just plain peaceful. a peaceful sunday afternoon. not much clouds. not much wind. not even a gentle breeze. its not a happy atmosphere. not sad either. its simply peaceful. and its what i am experiencing right now. the feeling of peace and contentment is not foreign to me but somehow, this one does. its a different kind of peace. its not the kind of sense of contentment im familiar with. the feeling of peace and contentment im familiar with is the one based from reason and rational thoughts. its a product of what's within me. i strengthen my sense of contentment with reason. but this peaceful feeling im having now is different in a sense that it does not come from my inner being. it seems to be coming from the outside and enclosing me with its calming influence. the reason im sure the feeling isnt coming from within me is because my inner self is disturbed by a lot of things, mostly work related and difficult decisions regarding my future. then there's stuff from the past that keeps haunting me. i should be in panic mode right now because i should have worked all day but i woke up around 5:30 pm. i managed to convince myself to rest instead so as not to aggravate my illness. but my mind is telling me that come tomorrow, i just increased my workload so i just procrastinated. yet despite the inner conflicts, the peaceful feeling with its incredible influence, makes me feel relaxed to the point my mind is shouting this is crazy.

or maybe its just my overpowering sense of laziness coupled with my "im sick so i dont care" attitude. in any case, i didnt get any job done today when i should have. im too weak to summon and use crammer mode but by tomorrow, i wouldnt have any choice. deadlines are fatal to a lawyer. i guess i will have to work while i sleep, meaning start writing the draft in my dream. havent done that before but there's no harm in trying such an idea.

sweet potato maknae

2011-06-28T21:15:00.000+08:00