fall out boy

i was asked recently about what's up with the falling out with this particular person. she asked me why it happened. i was surprised because i wasnt expecting to be asked about it. the question somehow came out of nowhere. although i should have expected the question because its a logical question from the conversation we were having, i guess i wasnt really thinking about it anymore. thats why i was surprised to be asked on it. i just said its my fault or i should have made a clearer reply that its my own doing. it didnt really answer her question but at least i was admitting im the one to blame why it happened. i have my reasons and i dont feel like telling it to her because i really dont feel like explaining my reasons. why bother. its not like its going to change anything. im not saying that im happy with what happened but at least im finding some kind of peace. and sometimes thats good enough.

i then asked her, what made her think theres some falling out? this is what i should have asked after she asked me. i usually answer with a question when asked about stuff like these but since i wasnt expecting it, i admitted quickly without even realizing that she might just be fishing for answers. she answered, she just noticed (what!!!) well, there's no point thinking whether i believe her or not. i already admitted that it happened and its my own doing. besides, i think she's the only one who's wondering about it anyway. other people will never notice or just dont care. and i saw the particular person minutes later and she looked happy. so whats the point of knowing the answer to her question when obviously, it doesnt matter to both of us anymore. she's happy and im finding some form of contentment (im starting to hate the word but thats the word for it. contentment).

"what could have been" is a very sad phrase

i was eating at mcdonalds the other day. i was tired and i felt like giving myself a treat by eating dinner at mcdonalds (i dont eat at mcdonalds or any other fast food as frequently as i did last june or first few weeks of july). i was alone, as usual, and just watching the people around me. and thats when it hit me, a feeling that resembled regret. maybe it was regret. i just saw something that made me remember a choice i made a few years ago. if i chose otherwise, i thought, i might not be sitting at mcdonalds alone. i might be sitting with this person, eating the burger happily despite the tiring day. spending a few minutes with her would be enough to wipe out the bad things that happen to me every single day. well, thats an exaggeration but its plausible. but thats just the thing, its only a possibility. and mere possibility is not good enough for me. thats why i made the choice i made back then. i could be happy right now, but the word "could" just doesnt persuade me to choose otherwise. thats when i reminded myself that ive committed to staying single for the rest of my life. and that made the feeling of regret go away. sure its not easy to commit to it but its not difficult either. maybe because i dont have prospects at the moment but i doubt i will have any since i easily lose interest. or im not susceptible to love or something like it. i remember back in gradeschool, every year i have a new crush. thats why i dont have a childhood sweetheart to think of or think about (just thought about it because the movie i rented and watched earlier involved going back to his childhood love or whatever thats called and they ended up being together). maybe i was just tired thats why the feeling of regret leaked and reminded of things im forcing myself not to even bother to think about.

ken afford

been to ken afford twice this month. if i remember correctly, this is the first time i ate in ken afford in their new location. so it doesnt really bring back memories. and when i ate there, the only i thing i remembered was when i ate in ken afford (when it was stilll located in front of ateneo) with alnard. i remembered we ordered crispy kangkong. and it was only days later that i remembered that i also ate there with other blockmates after i graduated from college. other than those 2 instances, i dont remember anything memorable about ken afford. well, except for the sisig of course. i dont even remember if i ate in ken afford alone. i remember i always eat alone in the ISO cafeteria. although i know ive been there a number of times back in college, i just realized that the place isnt as memorable as i thought. or im just becoming forgetful.

just bored.

someone made a comment a few weeks ago (or maybe more than a month ago). she jokingly asked if i had ADHD (because i was always walking back and forth, pacing around the room and i just cant sit still when im doing nothing...every week! well, almost every week). i said no but i might have when i was kid. i really was a hyperactive KSP to the point that it annoyed a lot of people, especially some of my teachers. i was so talkative and im always restless (thats what my gradeschool teachers always say until i transferred into another school where i suddenly became the most quiet person in class). thats why it wasnt surprising that i was very thin because i was always moving or running around (and im losing a lot of weight at the moment and its not because of physical activity. someone even commented if im on drugs). anyway, i tried looking at wikipedia to read on the topic. just for the sake of looking at it because im tired of all the stuff ive been doing lately. although wikipedia isnt really considered as an official reference like an encyclopedia, its mostly reliable. im not saying the one im posting below is reliable. im saying it could be. so i got an excerpt from wikipedia and decided to see if its possible for me to have an adult attention deficit disorder.


The Hallowell Center identifies the following indicators to consider when ADHD is suspected and recommends that individuals with at least twelve of the following behaviours since childhood—provided these symptoms are not associated with any other medical or psychiatric conditions—consider professional diagnosis:

A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished). (hmmm. does this apply to me? i wouldnt call it a sense of underachievement but more of theres always room for improvement. like im not satisfied with what i do, it can always be better or something like that. its like an optimists way of saying it so i guess thats one point.)


Difficulty getting organized. (i dont think this applies to me)

Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started. (i procrastinate. like now. but i wouldnt say its chronic. because there are times i do stuff early. well, because im procrastinating on other stuff. so in order to avoid doing it, i do other things even in advance, just to avoid doing whats really important. but i dont think my procrastination is chronic. so no points here)

Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through. (yeah, kind of but not really. i still manage)

A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. (aahh. ive cured this. i used to be like this and in a way i still am but im conscious about it. so as long as i can exhibit self-restraint, this doesnt apply to me. i wont add this since i can control it)

A frequent search for high stimulation. (yup, thats me all right. total of two points)

An intolerance of boredom. (sort of. thats why i make sure im thinking of something because i dont want my mind to be idle. so even im sitting motionless, my mind is really very active so as to avoid getting bored which became problematic because the thoughts in my head sometimes become more interesting than interacting with most people. so reality bores me. so thats three points total)

Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times. (crap, four points! i easily lose focus. damn it. thats why im better in written conversations. im more focused for some reason i dont know why. maybe because when im talking with people, there are moving objects around and there are lots of stuff happening)

Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent (often? i was intelligent before. im a bit creative. so im going to add this for a total of five points)

Trouble in going through established channels and following proper procedure. (not really. i manage)

Impatient; low tolerance of frustration. (ive cured this too. im a very impatient person thats why i dont bother to wait for people. thats why i always go solo. and thats why i dont expect anything either because it just pisses me off. ok, i havent really cured myself of it. i just manage to avoid situations that will make me exhibit my impatience and low tolerance of frustration. so thats six points. halfway there)


Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money. (oh shit. thats seven. im impulsive when i dont exhibit self-restraint. and im impulsive in spending money. really, really impulsive. someone should hold my wallet for me)

Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered. (not sure. the reason i dont make plans is because i dont want to be restricted by plans. as for hot-tempered, yes. well, used to. i sort of focused on fixing my temper so i dont lose it easily. but im naturally hot-tempered. fine, ill make it an eight since i do have the tendency to change plans on the last minute. i just dont call it a plan since i dont commit to it)

A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with attention to or disregard for actual dangers. (thats nine. im the reklmador, the problem-maker. a blockmate just made this comment a few weeks ago that im always looking for problems to solve when i have other problems that needs solving too. i have the tendency to fix other people's problems first before attending to my problems)

A sense of insecurity. (my cousin said i was but i dont think so. or i just like to keep telling myself that)

Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project. (ten points!)

Physical or cognitive restlessness. (eleven. every morning when i eat breakfast, i walk in circles in our living room, counterclockwise. i get dizzy if i do it clockwise. cant sit down unless im watching tv. i just have the compulsion to walk around)

A tendency toward addictive behavior. (twelve. damn it! ive admitted this to a couple of people. i easily get addicted to stuff. like 50 first dates. or my infatuation junkie personality. i just cant help but indulge. depends what im in the mood for)

Chronic problems with self-esteem. (yes. give me thirteen)

Inaccurate self-observation. (this one i cant answer. wait, if this applies to me, then my observations above would be inaccurate and would render this checklist useless. well at least i didnt get bored for a few minutes)

Family history of ADHD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood. (none. in my immediate family at least)



thirteen applies to me. so, do i have ADHD? nope. im just a hyperactive knucklehead when i was in gradeschool (and an anti-social when i was in highschool. and plain weird when i was in college). professional diagnosis my ass. so what if i have adult attention deficit disorder? im a fully functional member of society. its not like im going to snap one of these days and become a serial killer when i reach the age of 30 just to make life interesting. some men just want to watch the world burn.

why?

why do i have the tendency to make life hard for me? i dont know really, i just tell myself, its part of my training. training for what? i dont know too. i just feel compelled to do it. a person mocked me playfully, i think earlier this month, saying, "hi, im tristan, i do this and do that just for the sake of making things difficult" or something to that effect. i replied, when she asked why i do it, i just do stuff without thinking.

so, why complicate things when there's a simpler alternative? why am i compelled to make life as hard as possible? why cant i allow myself to enjoy life? the answer? i dont know. and i cant. like i said, im compelled to live this way as if, this is the way it should be done. for some reason, i think im right in doing so.

months before, ive made a decision which i felt is not a good one. but i felt compelled to do it. and now, looking back, and seeing how things are now, i think the decision ive made, no matter how much ive felt against it, was right. maybe i do have the gift of foresight. unexplainable foresight. sometimes i think that we see glimpses of the future, embedded in the subconscious. only thing is, the glimpses last for only seconds or just a second. a very thin slice of what will be. and from there, you get the feeling of where youre heading or what you should do. unfortunately, im always at the losing end.

the reason i want to decide against what i felt i should do is because, im going to be the one who will lose in that decision. but i had to because it seems the decision will benefit more people (as always, i let reason prevail). its like, i have to make the decision and sacrifice what i want in order to make way for what is necessary. ok, maybe thats not foresight, but merely exercise of good discretion. actually, it didnt seem as good discretion to me. it looked to me like some masochistic shit. i just tell myself that i operate on the basis of need, not want (which is true). so i dont listen to myself when i want something, i only pay attention to my needs and i still filter what those needs are. thats why when i was asked years ago (along EDSA near Makati) with the question "tristan, what do you want?like, if you could wish for something or have what you desire, what would you ask for?" i cant think of anything (and i wasnt able to answer her question) because sure there are simple material wants but to be asked of what i want thats much deeper than material shit, i dont know what i want because ive always focused on what i need. for me, wants are irrelevant because one can live without it. thats why my mother always tells me i lack ambition. ambition is a manifestation of what people want. i do have ambition, but i dont "cultivate" it. like i said, wants are irrelevant. i do have wants but i dont pay attention to them. i always ask myself "what do i need?"

again, i dont know where im heading with what im writing. better sleep if im not going to study any further for the take home exam. theres no point posting half-baked thoughts.

i wish i never grew up

dont we wish this sometimes? that if only it were possible not to become an adult? to be an adult kinda sucks because you have to put up with all the shit this world will throw at you and deal with it as maturely as you can.

the reason for this entry is because i went to caloocan last week, twice. well, more of thrice because of the august thing. went there once tuesday and twice on friday. the reason i went to caloocan twice was because i forgot my school ID with the guard at the building where the trial courts are located. i found out that i left my ID when i reached home (QC. good thing i dont live in Montalban. not yet) and was in my room looking for my pen in my bag. thats when i realized that my ID isnt in my bag pocket and i remembered its with the guard in caloocan. and i need my ID because i didnt detach it from my ID lace and my locker keys are attached to it. usually, i remove my ID from the ID lace but for some reason, i didnt do that in that particular instance. and normally, i dont forget to claim my ID too. so i said to myself, this is going to be a wonderful day. fortunately, thats the worst thing that happened that day. spent more than a 100 bucks just to commute from caloocan to QC to caloocan to QC again...in four hours.

anyway, the trip to caloocan reminded me that once upon a time i was a kid. this is the city where my family first lived when i was born. i think until i was four or maybe younger (since i started going to school at four). point is, while walking the streets of caloocan, even if it looks "depressed", i remembered that this was the place where i spent my early childhood years. it still feels like home even if i really dont remember much about it. i felt that even if the place looks dangerous and kind of depressing, i would still have lived happily here...if i was a kid. to a kid, the surroundings wont matter much. a kid easily appreciates stuff. or at least i did when i was a kid. all i needed back then was my imagination and im all set to enjoy the day. i dont know what happened or why it happened but now, ive become a person thats hard to please. thats why i wish i never grew up, and never learned how harsh reality is or how cruel life can be so i could easily appreciate life and enjoy every minute of it. to not be affected with what i see, with what surrounds me. just looking around, you see how hard life is for everybody. except for kids. or some of them at least.

i see those street kids, selling stuff, or cleaning shoes or begging for loose change. even if they are made to realize how harsh life is at an early age, they still manage to smile, even laugh. they can still enjoy life despite the hardships that they are going through. as one grows older, it seems to me, life just becomes more depressing. life becomes harder to enjoy.

i dont know where im heading with this entry. i think im just procrastinating because im really struggling with the take home exam i need to finish by tuesday. you dont get burdened with stuff like these when youre a kid.

empty inbox

i found out just now that all of my email messages i have in my justicemail account have been erased/deleted. i dont know if it was because of of an upgrade or some glitch or some temporary shit. what i do know is that my emails, which dates back up to 2002 or maybe earlier, are gone. wasnt able to back up the messages because i didnt know this will happen. nor was i aware of any notification that the emails will be erased. its really irritating because it was my primary email address before i switched to yahoomail (meaning, i have some important messages in that justicemail account). and before justicemail, my primary email address was edsamail. now for the edsamail account, i wasnt able to back up the messages because my hard disk back then was beyond repair, cant be reformatted. edsamail isnt really an online account so the messages are stored in the hard disk. and im very much a newbie in the tech world then so i dont know what to expect. point is, i didnt feel a need to back up the messages in my justicemail account since its an online account. until i receive a notification that the email account will be closed or that a system upgrade might erase the emails in the inbox and outbox, i will not make a back-up of the messages. this month is just so unpredictable. years worth of stored emails, gone. i check that email account everyday, and i didnt notice that there's a notification that such a thing will happen. now, if the same thing happens to my primary yahoomail account and my primary gmail account, i think its a clear manifestation that august is here to make my life a living hell. 

mid-august rant. sort of.

another unfortunate day. i gues im not really that unfortunate. shit happens after all. maybe august is that month of the year where i become an ordinary or average person subject to average forces of chance or luck. its like im naturally lucky for 11 months (is it because of jupiter?) and august is that only month where i become not so lucky.

like today, i rode a jeep this morning, like i always do but the difference is, the jeep had engine problems which made me late for 10 minutes. not bad but commuting is a science for me so i sometimes reach my destination like clockwork, and most of the time, theres a plus/minus 5 minutes from the time i intend to arrive because i take into consideration ordinarily foreseeable circumstances (like not getting a ride immediately). so if things dont go as expected, it destroys the routine (and sometimes everything else thats set for the day. thats why im not a fan of making plans). although its really possible that the jeep might have engine problems, it happens very rarely to me. and even if it happens, it does not make me late (because i dont recall an instance where i had an excuse that the jeepney i was riding had engine problems). and that happening in august is no big surprise.

then during OLA duty, i unfortunately decided to answer a few phone calls when we were already supposed to have a case conference. not having the presence of mind to do phone duty since im not a phone person to begin with (and also, i have poor hearing, so im not really good with phone conversations), i failed to answer the phone properly, meaning i should say "Hello! UP Office of Legal Aid" and not just a simple "hello!". what made it unfortunate was that the person at the other end of the line was our OLA Director. she noted that i should answer the phone properly. i normally do answer the phone specifiying its the UP Office of Legal Aid. it just so happens that there are instances i forget to answer it properly when im not the one on phone duty. like the instance earlier. so its a bit of a bad impression for our thursday morning team. i just have the tendency to make minor screw ups from time to time and again, its no surprise that i screw things up in august.

then before that i learned that i have a pre-trial set for next week. what the? next week! i have a midterm exam that will be emailed tomorrow due next week which could only mean, its going to be difficult. im going to accompany a client to serve a writ of execution tomorrow (caloocan to novaliches) which will force me to incur an absence since its physically impossible for me to attend the class. and i have another thing to do for a subject, also tomorrow. and i have a lot of stuff to read for a couple of subjects. sure i can prepare the pleadings for pretrial in the next few days but what irritates me is that its my fault that i dont have much time for it. had i made the phone call yesterday, and learned about it yesterday, i would have more time because i wasnt doing anything much yesterday. aside from getting scolded at by the judge and doing the puboff presentation and attending class, i wasnt very busy yesterday. i dont know why i failed to make the phone call to the court yesterday. and i still need to make a couple more phone calls. now im wondering what surpsrise im going to get.

also i just committed to stuff that exposes me to considerably heavy responsibility. my timing couldnt have been better. of all the months, i chose august to take responsibilities where there's a big chance of me screwing things up. im not thinking that im going to screw it up because im trying to actually do it properly. the thing is, i wont be surprised if i screw it up despite the efforts ive made. i would also like to blame august why i ended up taking the responsibilities in the first place because it was offered this month but i had a choice. whether its good or bad still remains to be seen. although, its leaning towards "bad" already. or its just the way i see it.

there are a couple of minor unfortunate stuff that happened today. nothing peculiar like the two incidents above. just small irritating and annoying crap which are avoidable or could have been prevented but i wasnt able to, and if added all together makes today, a bad day. not a really bad day but i guess when august kicks in, im subjected to the ordinary forces of luck that a common person encounters in his or her daily life. either im just used to be being lucky and august just takes away what comes naturally, or im just convincing myself that what im experiencing right now is what most people deal with in their daily life and i only deal with it once in a year within one full month. either way, things arent going well for me.

and i hope my theory is incorrect that my unfortunate month is divided into weeks, two weeks in august and two weeks in october. because there was a time when only half of august was bad. and the worst half came in october. anyway, it doesnt look that way since even if august is halfway over, it appears to me that things are bound to get harder in the next two weeks. not a hunch. its based from stuff that are happening now. if my supervising lawyer's joke has some grain of truth in it, that i have the gift of foresight (which was mentioned in an entirely different context, im just relating it to this entry), then im going to be exposed to extremely stressful shit in the next two weeks.

and my head is aching right now, and for some reason i have a clogged nose even if i dont have a cold. its not the kind of clogged nose you have when one has a cold. i hope its just some temporary thing or some allergic reaction. because if it means im going to be sick, and i cant afford to be sick in the next few weeks, then i dont want to imagine how things could possibly be worse.

right on schedule

it never fails. only in august. not really. most likely to happen in august.

the day started a little well. went to the QC RTC to file some manifestations. nothing bad happened. then went to the UP Post Office to mail another manifestation. again, nothing bad happened there. well, except for the fact that i had to spend for the postage fees. but there isnt anything peculiar with that. after the post office, i then rode a jeep to go to SM North so i could ride a bus to Monumento. thats when it started to rain. well, it is the rainy season, so its something expected. so when i reached philcoa, it was raining. when i rode the bus to Monumento, it was raining. when i walked from Monumento to 10th Avenue, it was raining. when i rode a jeep to go to the Caloocan judicial courts, it was still raining. when i reached the judicial courts, thats when the rain stopped, minutes before i was about to enter the building. how nice. again, it happens, so nothing to complain about. things went well in the Caloocan MTC. i was able to photocopy the things i needed and the people there were really friendly. so i then started to head back and go to Marikina. when i reached Monumento (after walking all the way from 10th avenue), the sole of my left shoe got detached. it was 90% detached so i really couldnt use my left shoe. fortunately, the cigarette vendor was nice enough to get me some slippers which she sold for P30 (while waiting for the cigarette vendor to come back, a woman fell prey to "snatching" who lost an earring or pair of earrings). so i bought it and then looked for a shoe repair guy. i found one and i had to wait for an hour. so i wasted an hour fucking around, because what else can i do? i cant go anywhere. sure i have slippers, so what? i was already heading to Marikina. and by this time, i was already tired. ive done a lot of walking already, most of it under the rain. and my umbrella isnt in good condition either. when i got my shoe back, it was almost 3pm so i doubt i will make it to Marikina in time. so i just headed back to school and study. since i was so drained and tired, i just ended up sleeping in the library. i woke up from time to time to read a little but i was just so fucking drained. around 630pm, had a meeting with groupmates. finally, something productive. around 9pm, had another meeting with another set of blockmates. really tiring day. around quarter to 10, had dinner with some of my blockmates. and probably half an hour later, went home walking. because im forcing myself to start walking home again to save some money and to at least get some exercise. thats when the 5min rain started pouring. how nice. it rains when im walking outside. it was short but strong enough to get my socks wet. well, because it quickly created puddles on the road and my shoes arent exactly water resistant. and i have a long walk to go. so even when the rain stopped already, my socks were wet already. damage has been done. at least nothing bad happened after that. maybe tomorrow. and i still have more than 3 full weeks left to endure.

thats the thing. its just a bunch of little unfortunate stuff when taken together becomes really burdensome. well, it usually does rain when im outdoors so i guess the only bad thing that happened was the shoe incident which caused delay which prevented me to do things as planned which could have fucked up consequences in the following days.

interesting

Sagittarius Personality Profile:

You are warm, spontaneous, emotional, and magnetic. Your smile is infectious. You love to have fun, yet you have a deeper side to you. Moodiness is something you struggle with from time to time. You are not the most consistent person around, as you tend to feel your way through life, and your emotions are up and down. You are very perceptive, at times complex, and generally quite contradictory! You are a compassionate person. Others may find it hard to assign you traits, simply because you can be brave and adventurous one day, and withdrawn the next.

Impulsive - Scattered - Friendly


Fixed Star(s) Near Your Sun:

This fixed star has a Saturn-Venus influence, and suggests blind good-heartedness, a nature that is easily seduced, some self-destructive traits, and loyalty.

Your progressed Sun enters Capricorn at age 23. The ages of 22to 24 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. You become more practical, mindful, and concerned about your personal security. You are a self-starter, and you become more shrewd and focused on your goals.

Your progressed Sun enters Aquarius at age 53. The ages of 52 to 54 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. After some sort of crisis of consciousness, and perhaps elimination of circumstances that have been limiting your growth, you become more humanitarian, somewhat detached, and independent. Some may become self-righteous and fixed during this phase, while others learn to detach themselves from situations and loosen up. You kick up your heels and enjoy life with a certain level of detachment and confidence that you hadn't discovered before this time.
 
"Intelligent. Innovative and inventive mind; yet also tactful, diplomatic, and cordial.
Successful in business pursuits, academic circles, or group projects. Humanistic and
humanitarian."


Numerology

You were born on the 28th day of the month, which reduces to a 1. You don't turn to others for advice or help very readily, simply because you find much satisfaction doing things on your own. Factoring in the 11th month of November, you are a number 3, suggesting that you are sociable, fun-loving, and warm-hearted. You have an infectious sense of humor. Factoring in your birth year gives you your Birth Path Number—a highly personal number for you. Find out how to determine this number here.

Most Favorable Days of the Month are 1, 10, 19, 28, especially when these days (of any month) fall on a Sunday or Monday; and/or when the Sun is in Cancer or Leo. Second-choice favorable days of the month are 2, 11, 20, 29. The best colors for you are all shades of yellows and oranges. You might want to wear ruby gems next to your skin. Properties associated with ruby are power, wealth, attraction, and dynamism.


You Are Drawn to People Born on...

Easy, subtle attraction and harmony: You don't feel an irresistible pull towards each other, but over time, appreciate the peace you have between you. These people are good for you, although they might not challenge you to grow (January 24-31, March 22-April 1, July 22-August 1, September 24-October 3)

On-again, off-again attraction. This is a complex connection, and you make an odd yet interested couple (April 24-28, June 24-28, October 27-31, December 27-31)

A mysterious attraction that can be very romantic...or completely platonic! This is a spiritual connection that has a magical quality to it. (January 16-20, March 9-13, August 11-15, October 4-8)

Opposites attract. Push me, pull me. You could complement each other well if you allow yourselves to learn from each other, or you could actively war against each other. (May 22-June 1)

Attraction of the soul; challenging, intense, rich, and binding. (January 6-10, October 16-20)

Powerful, tumultuous attraction--you are aware of the distinct differences between you, but may be drawn to each other because of the simultaneous awareness of a need and a lack. Either the relationship is ongoing and obviously tumultuous and of a "love-hate" nature, or it flows well until it breaks unexpectedly. (January 11-15, February 21-March 3, April 9-13, July 10-14, August 22-September 1, October 11-15, November 23-December 3)

Creative, communicative, inspiring, and spiritually rewarding connections.  (February 6-10, April 18-22, June 30-July 4, September 13-18)


What's in the Cards...

The card associated with your birthday is the Five of Hearts. You are emotionally impulsive and somewhat moody. You feel your way through life, and your emotional radar is superb. Your love card is the Three of Spades. You do whatever you can to make your partner happy, although you may struggle with some indecisiveness in the love department, as well as insecurity.


(from: http://www.cafeastrology.com/birthday/bornnovember28.html)

weird coincidence

i never heard the story below until this friday morning, july 25, when i attended the Breathe Well Initiative organization launch. its an organization which seeks to "provide information- -through creative and unconventional means--to enable the public to form an informed and rational decision about smoking"(for more details, check out their multiply site: http://breathewell.multiply.com/).

the weird coincidence is, i received an email on the same day from a different person which contains the story i just heard earlier. its substantially the same. its the same story only that there were different minor details, but its still the same. i just found it weird because ive never heard the story my entire life and then i get to hear and read it on the same day from different sources.

the story im talking about is reposted below:

THE STARFISH

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean." "I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?" "The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I don't throw them in they'll die." "But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach, and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one."

There is something very special in each and every one of us. We have all been gifted with the ability to make a difference, and if we can become aware of that gift, we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future.

We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the world will be blessed.

in this lifetime

one fact a person must accept in life is that some things in life are bound to be lost. some bonds will be broken. friendships and precious memories forgotten. its not inevitable but this is an accepted reality. why? because its difficult to have it otherwise. and its difficult because of two factors: time and the mortal nature of man.

this reality of life or maybe life itself needs to adjust to the unbreakable force of time. well, time at the moment is unbreakable since it cannot be reversed except in theory. while our current reality lacks the capability to reverse time, time will dictate the course of things, with it, the life of every living thing, including the planet's life force. and im going out of focus. going back, due to this reality, our lives needs to adjust so as to not be left behind by time. and we need to adjust further because of our limited capacity to exist. in short, we dont have much time and time isnt willing to give us more than what we are capable of acquiring. meaning, aside from being forced to walk beside the dictated course of time, we also need to learn how to maximize its use because time doesnt care if we can keep up with its pace or not.

that is why it has become a reality for us to accept that things will be lost in our lifetime. because as much as we try to hold on to things, time will just keep moving forward, and the more we lag behind, the more difficult it is for us to get back on track. people who hold on to things too much get stuck. from the viewpoint of the rest of the population, they are immobile. they are paralyzed. some would try to help them to get out of that situation, others will keep moving forward. thats why i said its not inevitable. something can be done actually. its a matter of what you choose to do. but again, most people choose to move forward, hence, the creation of the reality we now accept. and when i say reality, i mean the popular choice that has become a social norm. this is the kind of reality im talking about.

its like our life can be divided into a number of overlapping loveable sitcoms (or tragedies or dramas or a mix of all or some, depending on the kind of life you have. but since were talking about bonds/friendships and things people hold dear, a sitcom is the appropriate one to use). some sitcoms may run for as short as one season, maybe even less and some as long as a decade, maybe longer. to the sitcoms that have ended, some people try to have those one-night only reunions where the cast try to have one last show (i would like to make use of the Eraserheads as example but, although its been confirmed, it hasnt really happened yet and its not a sitcom). and for some, this is enough for them so they can move on. its like a closure for them. they're happy that they had a one last run because in reality, the sitcom's last episode isnt scheduled. it just happens.some are aware of it, some are not.

unfortunately, there are those who cant accept this reality of losing bonds/friendships, of having a "last episode". they would insist on having another run, another reunion or any other way just to keep things the way they were. its sad enough that we have to accept this form of loss but its sadder to see those who cannot accept it. because they're trying to hold on to something precious to them, maybe the only thing that matters in their lives or probably means everything to them, yet time will never wait, life will not stop and the reality is not in their favor. they are not wrong to do this, to keep on holding on to what they believe is of paramount importance. but its not matter of whether its right or wrong. its a matter of acknowledging the unyielding strength of time coupled with the harshness of reality and life. one can go against it because it can be done, its not impossible to continue holding on to things. but it means wasting time and wasting one's life simply because the reality we have now isnt about holding on to things, its about keeping up with the pace of time and just keep moving forward because our time in this world is limited. its our tendency to maximize the use of the little time we have. we try to explore as much as we can, experience all that can be possibly be experienced. holding on to things is limiting our exposure to what this lifetime can offer. and simply, thats just not our "reality". it may be pitiful to see people who cannot accept this reality but you cant blame them for trying to go against the reality we have. its their choice, the same way other people made their choice of moving on and making sure they keep up with time.

Why... so... serious?

Harvey Dent said in TDK that "the night is darkest just before the dawn" and it made the movie good because they were able to depict this quote very well. the chaos and anarchy really reflected the "darkness" Gotham was under. and the Joker as the promoter of this chaos and anarchy is a magnificent villain. as Alfred said, "Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn." so, what do you do when you face a man like the joker who is beyond reason but not necessarily insane? and when the dawn comes, does it mean everything will be alright? there's no definite solution/answer for the former except, as Alfred said, "Endure!" and as for the latter, i think Joker answered this when he said "You've changed things... forever. There's no going back."

The Joker appears to be the one in full control of chaotic situation and the only thing Batman can do is endure even if when the "dawn" comes, things will never be same as they were before. and maybe thats why the movie is named TDK because of the difficult nature of the role batman had to play despite its very villain-centered/Joker-centered theme. but even if what used to be an "immovable object" known as Batman had the difficult task of choosing to confront an "unstoppable force" in the person of the Joker, whatever the costs, making TDK a great being, i still think the Joker is more brilliant for trying to create an "organized chaos" by trying to manipulate human reason by corrupting their minds and tinkering with their emotions. the only reason why the Joker failed is because when one deals with human emotion, you deal with the irrational. the Joker can only exercise control over the irrational as long as the rational side exerts some influence over it. the moment reason loses its power over human emotions, not even a criminal mastermind like the Joker can predict human actions under this state of mind or being. so, things will be left to chance, which makes Two-Face a bit relevant. because when unpredictability enters the picture, you then try to make use of probabilities to gain some control (or an impression of control). it then boils down whether the odds are against you or not. so now that i think about it, Batman didnt really stop the Joker, its human unpredictability due to power of the human emotion exhibited in the "blow up the other boat" scene.

so, in order to appreciate Batman's character, you have to look at the movie as whole which reflects TDK's state of mind. and its easier to appreciate and enjoy the villains because they are the ones that induce such state of mind.

Some men just want to watch the world burn

The Dark Knight didn’t quite meet my expectations. I’m reluctant to say it’s great because it is great but not because of the Dark Knight. It’s great because of the Joker. TDK reminds me of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events where Count Olaf is much more interesting than the protagonists. In TDK, the Joker is the captivating character. That’s also the reason why i would want to watch TDK again. maybe the reason why I’m disappointed with Batman's character is because there's really nothing new about the character except that this time, he has bigger challenges. Isn’t that the way superhero movie sequels should be? so what more could be expected from the Batman? anyway, the movie focused more on the villains which isnt bad actually. But i was already expecting that the villains were interesting because of the months of promotions. i guess i was expecting to see more than what the promotions already introduced. or maybe i just didnt see the "greatness" of the Batman. its clear on the choices he had to make. thats what made him great. but I’m referring more on the style he fights crime. i was expecting to be impressed on how he does it (“the shiznit!” factor). well, what I’m sure of is that the Joker character was brilliant. It was impressively portrayed. too bad Ledger's gone.

as a whole, TDK is really good. but my problem is, my expectations were raised because of the months of promotions and thats why im a bit disappointed (and I really have the tendency to have very high expectations). i knew the Joker was going to be interesting and sure enough, he was. but i was also expecting the Batman to be better. i was probably expecting that TDK's promotions havent shown the best the movie had to offer. the same way with the Transformers movie. thats what made Transformers really good. you get to see something you werent expecting because it was promoted well enough that the movie itself can still exceed the expectations created by the promotions. there lies the difference between the two movies. the Transformers was promoted very carefully, making sure that it arouses the people's interest in the movie yet making sure that they don’t disclose the best parts of the movie. as for TDK, it was promoted so well that it made itself a highly anticipated movie but the promotional materials made use of the best parts of the movie that there isnt much to expect anymore. or maybe its just me. and since i just compared it with the Transformers movie, im really referring to visually stimulating scenes. as for the other parts of the TDK, i really dont have problems with it.

sort of spoilers: the plot was good. its also as realistic as it can possibly be (except the part where the batmobile/tank broke down. that made me wonder. why did it sustain that much damage? Did I miss something?). the batman's fight scenes werent impressive (i still think The Incredible Hulk's fight scenes were the best fight scenes ive seen this year. Edward Norton was a good choice for mild-mannered Bruce Banner (Keisie was right) and i still think Nicholas Cage isnt Ghost Rider material). For me, it lacks “mind-blowing” scenes. Also, there weren’t much gadgets (i dont remember him making use of his ever reliable "utility belt" but then again, it might be a better to ditch the "utility belt" idea). the batman's voice was weird at first but you get used to it as the movie progresses. the ending is good, i really liked the way they did it. putting Two-Face in the movie dont come across as if they were forcing an additional character nor was the character underdeveloped. the story's really good for a two villain movie. i also liked the way they portrayed the Joker as the Batman's biggest challenge. but that's what makes it problematic for me. in order for the Joker to be the Batman's biggest challenge, he has to be as menacing, threatening and demented as he can possibly be (just the way i like my villains). thats what makes the Joker very interesting. too interesting that the Batman looks like a secondary character. the Joker is the star of the movie. TDK is also a break from the usual superhero story where the villain poses a challenge to the hero but youre still very sure the hero is going to win in the end. You just wonder how he or she will do it. In TDK, its not as simple as the ordinary "hero wins, villains lose" kind of ending. the Batman didnt really defeat the Joker now that i think about it. the Batman just stopped him. With the damage done by the Joker, to Gotham City, its citizens, to Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes and to the Batman, I think Batman didn’t really “win”. That’s why i said i liked the way they ended it. it also didnt look like it was aiming for a third installment of the reinvented Batman franchise (like the way The Incredible Hulk ended where it gave the impression that the ending is open to the possibility of a sequel depending on how well the movie fares).

It’s still much better than Batman Begins and the best of all the Batman movies. Its more than just another comic book superhero movie. I won’t even say it’s an action movie because, again, its more than that. probably the problem i have with it is that it lacks the action part (huh?). i mean, it could go beyond being just another action movie (which it did) but it doesnt mean it need not have mind-blowing fight scenes or bloody fist fights or gruesome whatever. or maybe im asking too much. and probably thats why i didnt find the Batman character impressive. or maybe he is. only that the Joker is much more impressive. I guess I’m just expecting too much and my idea of a “perfect” movie is unreasonable or maybe im looking for more action. thats also my problem with Iron Man. although Incredible Hulk had better fight scenes, i liked the Iron Man more. between TDK and IronMan, i would go for the TDK if i were to judge it in its entirety. so, in the end, TDK is the best movie ive seen this year. im just being unreasonable for expecting more.

the power of love

to do what cant be done
to sing what cant be sung
to learn to play the game
to make the things that cant be made
to save those who cant be saved
to learn how to be in time
to know what isnt known
to see what isnt shown
to be where youre meant to be


all you need is love to do the abovementioned things, among others. but why? because for some, this is what makes someone truly human. to exceed the limitations of the human intellect. to do what cant be understood but only felt. to make what cannot be taught but can only be experienced. to have love within oneself is to be overwhelmed by a supremely beautiful emotion and be intoxicated by a personal and profound sense of being which the human intellect cant possibly give. love is way beyond human comprehension. this is why it seems that it is the human tendency to acquire love.

the question is, is it meant for everybody? is everyone capable of truly acquiring love in the proper sense. because although love is beyond human comprehension, it is still determinable or identifiable. you still need a little bit of intellect to recognize what love is. and little more of this human intellect to confirm it is love in its truest form and not just a shoddy emotion trying to pass itself as love. i think most people are deceived by this inferior emotion. or do not fully understand or are not truly capable of handling love. love is a powerful creature and despite its beauty, its also capable of destroying those who are not prepared to have it. love is not only about the euphoria it brings because it can also inflict a tremendous and also overwhelming amount of pain. for some, the pain is unimaginable, even unbearable. to seek love is to prepare to wrest control over its beautiful side and its dark side.

to love is to do something that is highly personal and cannot be passed to another person. it is doubtful it can be learned but i think it can be understood to at least obtain some form of control over it. much as people want not to control love so as to not to limit its power, i think control over it is a necessity. something as powerful as love should not be allowed to just take over oneself and let go of everything else. and if im not mistaken, no human has achieved the level of being an epitome of love. it seems to me that its impossible to allow love to take over and not be destroyed by it. maybe because its humanly impossible to contain love in a mortal physical being in a very loose manner, not influenced by human intellect. love in this case resembles the behavior of cancer cells. it will slowly destroy you from within if you dont try to exercise some form of control over it. to let go of the human intellect and refuse to limit the love contained within is like to abandon reason and dwell in realm of the irrational. this is the best way to lose yourself and most likely never come back. to live in a constant state of internal chaos and not realize it. to be lost in a destructive delusion and be ignorant of its harmful effects.

i just stated what seems to me is something obvious. but then again, humans have the tendency to forget or miss the obvious. they gamble anyway and seek love and acquire it without preparing for what it can bring into one's life. they indulge in it, sometimes without any inkling of the consequences. my point is, love is not for the ignorant. even if most people want to have love in their lives, it will destroy those who are weak and unprepared, meaning those who are not worthy to have it. love can only be enjoyed by those who deserve it.

dont piss off the pervy sage

dont come here questioning my honesty and expect that i wont be pissed. especially when you question my honesty without any basis. dont fucking accuse me with baseless allegations. and an apology is a waste of time. i dont buy it. i dont care how sorry you are. the fact is, you brought a scenario that would require an apology and which was caused by irresponsibility, incompetence and childishness. and in your case, ignorance of the social protocol (ok, maybe it has not acquired this level, but i think it should be regarded as one and as usual, im getting ahead of myself). when you apologize, you swallow your pride. you say sorry without qualifications. i dont fucking care why youre irresponsible, incompetent, childish, and im going to add, negligent. if youre sorry, you dont try to justify your mistake. you just admit you made a mistake. no excuses. i used to do it too, qualifiy my apologies, but i learned on my own that its not a sincere apology. thats why i dont accept apologies, especially for grave mistakes, because the damage has been done. and assessing the situation, it could have been avoided...if you were only strong enough. and weakness is not an excuse. im hard on myself to toughen myself up so dont go appearing before me in your weak and worthless state and then apologizing insincerely afterwards. be man enough to apologize sincerely, or be man enough not to apologize and firmly fight for the mistake you believe to be correct. choosing the latter is foolish but its tougher to do than making an insincere apology and then walking away like a dog with his tail between his legs.

i have my own demons. lots of them. and i deal with them on my own, every fucking day. i put myself through hell intentionally because trying to escape from them is pointless. i intentionally destroy some of my own personal relationships with people close to me because of the constant battles i have with these demons. because thats the only way i can keep them at bay. i know its a big loss, but its something im compelled to do so as not to be defeated by these demons. selfish but thats the only way to prevent self-destruction. its stupid to be selfless and allow yourself to be destroyed and rot from within. because that would only make you useless to everyone.

im also haunted by traumatic memories from time to time. experiences that fucked me up and was forced to accept that i could never change them, no matter how hard and how many times i try. these experiences changed me in a manner that some say only psychiatrists could correct. i dont believe in that crap. but even if it was true, im still going to handle it on my own, without any help. im going to deal with it on my own because its my problem and im going to make sure that im tough enough to solve it on my own. i hate sharing my own problems. thats why i dont go around worrying and crying about it because i deal with it, on my own and in my own way. sure i complain and whine but thats just to decrease its weight. i would be stupid not to decrease the burden, no matter how insubstantial it may seem.

i dont go asking for help. and i dont expect it either. because most likely, no one can save me from my own demons, maybe not even me. if thats true, the most i can do is to make sure they dont get me. but if the demons get the better of me, then its my loss and im prepared to accept that. i will not blame anyone because all throughout, it was only me that was involved. everything is my call, my choice, my discretion. im the one who is in the best position to handle the situation.

it may be a never-ending battle with these demons but i never get tired of saying to mysef i wont lose to them. what have you done to fight your demons? it appears to me, not much. maybe your demons are stronger. most likely they are. but i firmly believe that they are not insurmountable nor losing to them an inevitability. giving in is losing to these demons but that doesnt mean the battle is over. you should always try to bounce back. and once you do, i think the next step should be all about learning from the loss and educating yourself on how to deal with your demons the next time they come knocking.

psychiatrists arent very different from ordinary people when it comes to dealing with demons. it just so happens that they read and studied about it, learned the ways how to deal with it. and then share and apply what they know. and most people could do that too (except the sharing and applying part because that requires formal training). the point is, you cant rely on others to fight your demons. its your own. you are the one who experiences them, no one else. you are the one in the best position to determine how deal with them. if you need help, fine, go ahead. but dont depend on that help to be the one that would fight most of your battles. because thats stupid. dependence weakens you rather than strengthens you. help in itself is good but its an indication too of insufficiency in strength. if you know that you are weak and you cant avoid to engage in battle, its logical for some to ask for help than be destroyed "honorably". but that doesnt stop there. reinforcements will come from others but that doesnt mean you will not do anything to strengthen yourself. in the end, the aim should be to be strong enough to fight your battles on your own, survive them, learn from the experience and the mistakes and further educate and strengthen yourself. thats how you should deal with your demons.

dumb and dumber

i think karma caught up with me. i have the nasty habit of feigning ignorance. why? i dont know. maybe its because im too lazy to be knowledgeable. its a bit of a hassle to know stuff because people would go to you and ask for the answer. sure it was great at first but it just became tiring and annoying. another is that, some expect you to teach them what you know. and since im the type who believes that experience is the best teacher, im always reluctant to share knowledge by way of the traditional mode of teaching. for me, experiencing is the best way to learn (thats why i say im self taught). thats why i rarely ask questions too. i want to learn it on my own. if i get it wrong, at least im trying to learn it on my own. the problem with this approach is that it takes time. and there are instances when you need to learn things fast. anyway, im digressing. the reason i said i think karma caught up with me is because i think im becoming stupid every minute. i mean, i feign ignorance so frequently that its become something natural for me to do. i pretend i dont know. i act stupid. when i dont feel like reciting, i pass or pretend im clueless of whats being asked. and so it actually happened, ive become stupid. well, stupid compared to the current people im with. its like im constantly slipping down from some kind of intellectual ladder. my level of comprehension and my ability to absorb new things is becoming so poor that im really starting to believe ive developed some kind of mental retardation. im forgetting stuff i know and my thinking ability seem to me that its really deteriorating.

ok, maybe i feel that way because gradeschool to college was pretty much a breeze and law school is one big struggle for me. and im starting to think ive reached my limit because even if im trying hard, it seems its not enough to really raise myself to the same level as my fellow law students. its like, my effort is not good enough. i have to do more. unfortunately, i dont have the stamina nor the endurance for it. like i sometimes say, im like a constitution which can only be done with great exertion for a limited time and not frequently repeated. i cant exert the increased level of effort for a considerable amount of time. although, i think i could easily do it if i were the same person as i was back in highschool. when i still had the discipline and wasnt intoxicated with arrogance. when i reached college, i felt i dont need the professors. we have books anyway. so i slept half of the time during class. the other half, i was really sleepy. it offended the professors of course, but i didnt care. i knew i could pass the subject. and if i dont, so what. thats why i became lazier and i started to lose my discipline. and im digressing again. point is, i started feigning ignorance because i didnt want to appear some person who knows stuff. which is kind of a mistake since it would prevent me from polishing my ideas through intellectual converstations. i cant just engage in self-analysis. like henry roth said, "fresh eye never hurts". so, since i let the laziness take over, i guess my brain cells slowly deteriorated too. so now, ive become a dumb guy, and becoming dumber since ive lost the stamina to actually recover from the mental deterioration, and ive placed myself in a situation where i really cant afford to be stupid nor dare to be stupid, now what? ill just have to depend on studying through hardwork and see how far it can get me. it works for some people. i hope it works for me. or i hope i can do it too.

across the universe

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cellophane sunshine

dont you just hate it when its raining outside and youre about to go out, you get your jacket and your umbrella and after a few minutes of walking outside, the rain stops. its like, whats the point of getting ready to go out in the rain when after all those preparations, the rain wont cooperate. well, not that it happened to me recently, walking in a rainy day attire when its not raining. its just that im feeling something similar to that. you prepare yourself for what looks like a sad and depressing situation and it doesnt happen. the situtation that would bring sadness and depression doesnt materialize. so you get pissed, and become sad and depressed anyway because its like everything was spoiled with the sudden turn of events. or for things not happening according to what was expected. and what makes it problematic is that, like wearing the rainy day attire, once you set out and covered a considerable distance, you wont just head back home to leave your jacket and umbrella. you just keep going even if its a bit of hassle to bring an umbrella and a jacket on a day that looks like the sun will shine because the rainy part of the day is over. it becomes excess baggage. same to what im feeling now. i cant just drop all the anticipations ive made. and unlike in my analogy, the sun really isnt shining. it was just supposed to rain and that didnt happen. its doesnt follow that the sun's shining on me. its another one of those "now what?" situations because of miscalculations or erroneous assessment of situations. maybe i am suffering from some kind of mental retardation.

i want my fast food!

i havent eaten any mcdonalds product for quite some time (meaning two weeks). so last night, i tried calling up mcdonald's delivery. unfortunately, i was told that the delivery service for the 2 branches near our residence were not available. the matalino branch had its last order for delivery at 8:40pm (if i remember correctly, and i called around 9:10pm!) and the philcoa branch will not deliver after 9pm.

since i really wanted to eat a double cheeseburger deluxe "go big time" meal, i said to myself, i'll go there myself. the nearest branch is open 24 hours after all. so i walked to the matalino branch only to find out that they were closed for the night, starting 9pm on july 5. talk about wrong timing! and im not going to walk to philcoa. so i just went back home and decided to just call jollibee delivery. for me, it's the next best fast food restaurant when it comes to burgers. so i called up 87000 and i ended up ordering 2 big mac meals. good thing the guy at the other end didnt react much and just said to me that they dont serve the product and told me its equivalent. i meant to order their Champ but i was just so in the mood for a mcdonalds burger that i ended up saying Big Mac instead of Champ.

anyway, why am i blogging about this? well, its just nothing very eventful is happening lately. and if there was, i cant talk about it because its confidential.

June was a very busy month and the first few days of july is less tedious but tiring nonetheless. had my first and second court hearing last month. made some pleadings and motions and tried to meet the deadlines. had a bunch of appointments and did a lot of texting. i have two phones now and sometimes i get tired of reading them that i prioritize some text messages (the urgent ones) and the read the other ones at the end of the day and reply the following day if i suddenly find out that i have no more credits. the interesting part is (or the worst part is), things are bound to become more difficult.

so connecting it to the fast food part, its been a very tiring month and this july will not be much different. when you have so little time and so much to do, a little fast food would mean a lot. but since im a very unfortunate guy, im not surprised that the operator on the other end of the line would tell me that the delivery service is not available in our area at the moment when im really in the mood for a mcdonalds burger, because i wanted to eat something while watching a movie at home. and im the type of guy who hates settling for the next best thing. so i ended up not watching anything and relaxing in the form of sleep. what made sleep not comforting was my clogged nose because i have a cold. and when i have a cold, i have coughing fits. and usually, what makes me feel better is eating food im in the mood to eat. ok, what is a loop? point is, im a very unlucky bastard. when i want my fast food the most, i wont be surprised that i wont get it. well, conveniently get it. i have to make some extra effort. some would say, that would simply make the food a lot tastier. i would say, probably, but the thing is, the things that are supposed to make it easier and more convenient arent working the way they should be working and that sucks because im in the losing end no matter what. Soy un perdedor!

Email excerpt: Buhay Law school

this is an email excerpt i wrote when i was a law school freshman:

sa law school...

college is nothing compared sa law school. exaggeration man pero true to a certain extent, law school is 10 times harder than college. its a mistake to think that its just another four years of studying... its more of 4 years of training for a profession and mas makakatulong to think that we are already working, workers under training, and that part of the work is reading a lot of reading materials and acting like lawyers during recitations and the professors are the judges we have to convince kasi we are graded on how well we argue our case or the question asked

sa klase ng effort and demand na hinihingi ng law school, kung i-apply natin nung college, sure ko, A students tayo. probably anyone who survived a sem in law school pag bumalik sa college will find it impossible to fail, if not get a very high grade, pag in-apply yung same effort or same work ethic and habits... pero do it the other way around, apply the study habits nung college, one is bound to fail law school...

law school made me do things that i never did in college, like really read a lot, really study a lot and recite... on a daily basis! every prof yata sa law school is a terror prof compared sa college professors, or yung mga terror nung college will look really nice compared sa law school professors

in law school, one needs to love the law, kasi if you don't it will be very hard to survive.. part of loving the law is devoting every waking moment studying, it becomes the air you breath, it is what you eat and digest and it may also become the content of one's dreams at night. the law becomes a 7/11, kung saan we are employees in it who never stop working tipong sobrang immersed sa law na it becomes our life and only time that we get to interact with people outside is when people come along, siyempre exag pero most of the time ganito law school life

law school is expensive. aside from the tuition, may stacks of readings pa, enough to make owners of photocopying shops to have a stable supply of customers, baka nga mas magsurvive pa sila pag nagkaroon ng economic crisis sa dami ng kailangan ipa-photocopy. meron pang law books, yung mga codes, yung consti na sobrang expensive na minsan napapaisip ako na maging professor na lang kaya ako sa college of law tapos
maging author ng book? yun ay pag di ako pumasa sa bar... pwede kaya yun?

estimation of how many readings: half a sem in law school's readings is equivalent to two full sems of readings in college... syet, kaya palang basahin sa kalahating sem ang isang buong school year sa college.. so does this mean sa finals, equivalent sa two years in college yung coverage?

law school life is boring and monotonous, every day is the same thing, read and recite, read a lot and recite well. that is basically most of it.. and its boring kasi one's social life may be lost, again, because of the devotion needed. another reason for the boring nature is well, kayo-kayong magkakaklase lang ang makakarelate sa pinag-uusapan nyo and malamang the main thing that you are going to talk about is the law since it is the only thing that you've thought about all day. kung may mukha lang ang law, malamang yung mukha lang na yun ang laging nakikita

sa law school, some people become wordsmiths and linguists, well, not really linguists pero knowledge in spanish and understanding the latin terms is not only handy but sometimes necessary and big words and phrases during recitations are only useful if one knows how to really use it in a sentence...

sa law school, kung wala kang bisyo, there is a strong possibility na magkaroon, like smoking and drinking. mas bagay ang tomadores sa law school kasi it is something that is hard to do without, the humiliation and the bad grades, drinking as a social activity (and not just to drown ones worries) is a very good way to unwind and according to some, people who do drink and party from time to time are more likely to survive since they get to recharge themselves
sa law school, one become a strategist. tipong drop ko ba yung subject na to or alin kaya ang drop ko? basahin ko ba to or just start reviewing for the exam and sacrifice a few recits? magcut kaya ako sa minor subject para makabawi sa major subject? it all depends sa strategy some times on how to balance all of the demands sa law school and sa law school, every point sa grades counts...

sa law school, its smarter to be lucky than it is lucky to be smart..to a certain extent totoo... luck is more useful sa law school than mere knowledge, in terms of survival anyway... in terms of training, luck din na makuha yung mga prof na may matutunan ka talaga kasi may mga prof na di marunong magturo... well, call it luck or divine providence, basta outside of human capacity to control and foresee

sa law school nagkakaroon ng concrete meaning ang time is gold and time is of the essence... you can never waste time in law school, wasting it is always a risk (having time to unwind is not wasting time for it is needed to replenish much needed energy to survive in law school). good time management skills is necessary... and time flies even if you are not having fun. how? di ba ang bilis ng oras pag madaming kailangan gawin or when you have a deadline to meet? that is how time flies sa law school, so many things to do, so little time and sometimes under pressure to finish it before the class starts...cramming skills are tested to its limit sa law school, this is the best test on how good a crammer is...

sa law school, this probably applies to most if not all, even the most confident of men/women may doubt one's abilities pag tapak sa law school. the law school demands things that are almost impossible to do. almost impossible kasi... yes, it is possible to do pero its lying on the border of the impossible, kaunti na lang humanly impossible na gawin.. law school is overwhelming.. and sometimes crazy... the probability na mabaliw is higher pag pumasok sa law school and there are even horror stories on bar exams about people na nag-snap because of the extreme pressure... or maybe simple na memory loss kung saan may one bar examinee na nakalimutan na may GF pala sya, he just remembered while walking out of the exam area on the last day of the bar exams or nervous breakdown nung nakita yung bar questions...

sleepless nights, and even insomnia is common in law school. sleep becomes a luxury. to keep up with the demands, sleep needs to be sacrificed from time to time, in order to give more time to studying. to some, every waking moment is spent on studying up to the last minute before they go to sleep at night...

sa law school brain power is obviously needed, understanding and good memory are essential and soundness of mind din. dapat maging mindful sa mental health and well-being or baka matuluyan ang pagkabaliw...

aside from sleep, sa law school, love life may sometimes be sacrificed. not sure about the statistics pero most of the time, and ito din sabi nung mga law school professors, nagbe-break ang mga magGF and BF, kasi one common reason, lack of time and attention. so, there is also another saying, one is likely to find the partner within the walls of the law school, for reasons that both of you know the demands of the law school and after all those hours studying, kayo lang ang magkakaintindihan...

law school is a lovable hell for some... it is hell for obvious reasons, sobrang pahirap sa buhay pero if you love the law, you wont mind living in hell for four years...

law school life is overwhelming, stressful and demanding, pero its worth it if one really wants to be a lawyer, of course it is and it would really be a great achievement to be able to finally make it. so what one has to do, is adjust, adjust and adjust... like yung mga fresh members of the labor force na lucky enough to find a job, we have to adjust kasi law school is not just a school, as mentioned earlier, its a training for a profession... this is probably the main task of the freshman, adjust to the new environment...
 

just another school day

the days are becoming longer and the nights shorter. i wake up usually around 6am, sometimes as late as 7am or sometimes as early as 5am. point is, i have to be wherever im supposed to be by 8am.

then i get home around dinner time and sleep around midnight usually. i consider myself lucky if i get to bed as early as 10pm.

there's just a lot of stuff to do. and the bad news is, its bound to get more difficult. im still in the adjustment stage. better get used to these long hours and short rest periods. i mean, this is really what im going to face in the next few years. not that im complaining. wait, i am! well, not really. just whining. its just because im not yet used to it. but eventually, im going to get the hang of it. and once i do, things will still get more difficult. its a never-ending adjustment stage until you reach some kind of peak and there's no where else to go but down. and then its another crash and burn, nose dive in blazing glory experience.

what is an ex post facto law?

Professor and 1st year law student in class. Law student is reciting, talking about international law and Saddam Hussein when the professor decides to illustrate an ex post facto law. he asks:

Prof: "what are you wearing (looks at law student's tie). i dont like your tie!"
law student: "huh?"
Prof: "what's the color of your long sleeve?"
law student:"umm...sir, its blue".
Prof:"and your wearing that stupid tie! from now on, whenever you wear a blue long sleeve, the necktie should be red! that's the rule! and i dont want to see you wearing that stupid tie!"
law student: "huh? sir, im confused"
Prof: "i will give you a zero for wearing that stupid tie! it violates the rule i just said"
law student: "huh? sir why!"
Prof: "hah, and for being a philosopher another zero!"
law student: "sir, seriously!? sir, may i ask why?"
Prof: "you see, i am a believer in the ex post facto laws (a law that operates retroactively)"
Prof: "do you get it?"
law student:...

comic book movies

just watched the Incredible Hulk. cant decide which i liked better, Iron Man or Incredible Hulk? actually, i would like to say Iron Man but there's something lacking in Iron Man which you will get in the Incredible Hulk. what is it? a great fight scene! well, fight scenes. ive read that the Incredible Hulk would be more action-packed, holy crap! they did mean it. i was really satisfied with what they did with the fight scenes. thats what i felt was lacking in Iron Man. unfortunately, i still like Iron Man when it comes to rating the movie as a whole. but if im just going to think of great scenes, i would pick the fight scenes in the Incredible Hulk. there seems to be no particular scene that stands out from Iron Man (or im just very forgetful). my brother also said that the Incredible Hulk was too serious compared to the Iron Man. the characters rarely break an infectious smile or a really humorous joke. Iron Man does seem to have a lighter mood.

anyway, now that the 2 marvel movies have been released, i now wonder whether The Dark Knight of DC comics can match the people's expectations. i mean, Iron Man is just the first movie of probably another trilogy and people dont have high expectations yet. i think people were just expecting to get whats been promoted. as for the Incredible Hulk, not much expectations here also, maybe lower expectations even compared to Iron Man since the The Hulk didnt do very well. point is, im expecting much more from the Dark Knight, with all their virals and months of promotion. it doesnt look like it would be a disappointment but im hoping it would be as good, if not much better, than Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk. not that im a DC fan. im really a Marvel comics fan but there's only one character from DC comics i like, and obviously, its the Batman. and as for the blog entry below, the name superman is really used in its generic sense and probably a slight reference to the DC character. well, thats how i see it. i mean, anyone can be a superman in the generic sense but only Clark Kent can be Superman.

Superman

having 20 units (inclusive of OLA), i think this will be my theme song for this semester:

Superman by Goldfinger

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman
I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's
falling down around me
the nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers
more than maybe

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

so here I am
looking older all the time
growing older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster
every minute
what could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles
but I can't quit

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want to
throw it all away
controlling everything in site


I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good bye
life's too short to watch it fly
watch it fly

quotes

I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger - the joker

I lived believing my shortcomings were just amusing distractions! That my failings would build character! And in return...After all those losses and mistakes, I would be granted one great, final adventure - jiraiya

In life, nothing good comes out of hurrying. - shikamaru nara

knowledge and experience are ambiguous, thus reality can become illusion. Is it not possible to think that, all human beings are living in their assumptions? - itachi uchiha

the problem is, im too old to be acting like a kid - shikamaru nara

id always brush responsibility off as troublesome. thats why i messed up so often - shikamaru nara

i regret to inform you that i have no regrets

my life is filled with regret. but i dont let it affect me. as i always say to myself, "no regrets". thats why i just keep moving forward. no matter how many regrettable things ive done, i easily ignore it and never let the feeling of regret get to me. the problem with this attitude is that, well, in my case, i just keep moving forward even if i keep making wrong turns or wrong decisions. ive made so many wrong turns and wrong decisions in my life and from time to time i know im about to make another one but i dont change my course and just keep moving forward. its because i know im not going to feel regret or force myself not to feel it. im just going to pick myself up again and just head forward. so in the end, im probably moving forward in the wrong direction and i mindlessly (mindlessly?) continue along this path because i dont feel sorry or become distressed with the wrong turns/decisions ive made, or about to make. at least i dont get stuck. but some would argue that that would be a better situation than going deeper and deeper into the wrong path. the reason i wrote this is because i think im about to make another wrong turn or about to make a wrong decision, and i cant stop myself even i know this will become another regrettable decision. its like im compelled to just keep on treading this path. its either this path just so happens to be surrounded with wrong turns but would still lead me to the right direction or its really the wrong path and i just dont want to head back towards the right direction because im a slothful person (which could mean the return of the sloth, the true slothful part of me and not just my ordinary lazy ass/non-deadly sin self).

im not a landline person

Just woke up and i have no idea where my mother and my brother is. well, i could guess where they could possibly be. anyway, point is, its usual that i wake up and find myself home alone and have no idea where my family went. sometimes they wake me up and tell me while im half asleep. and thats not really effective since i might not be listening. or they really dont tell me at all because it doesnt really matter that much to me.

i like being left home alone, especially in the morning since im not a morning person. i can be in the foulest mood and no one would mind. the only thing i dont like when home alone and not having an idea where they went is that when someone calls, i have no idea what to say where they are.

fate is a destination

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who brings you things you never asked for and dont always like. - Lemony Snicket

if you dont feel like going to a strange, unpopular restaurant, then change your destination. the problem with doing this is when you dont know where else to go.

its just like starting over

i reformatted the PC exactly a week ago. and because of that, i had to re-organize my wallpaper collection. i found out just now that i might have deleted one folder of wallpapers which contains hundreds of desktop wallpapers (maybe half a thousand). crap. i need to look for them again...online! well, its just a bunch of clicks away but still, its a little inconvenience that could have been avoided. what a drag

Decisions, decisions

Which is the better one to do, help someone that needs your help (but not in dire need of it) or do what your supposed to do, like school work? This always happens to me and there is never a quick answer to it. People would say choose the one that is more important. But that isnt easy to determine and most of the time, you have to make a quick decision so there really isnt time to really weigh the importance of each (or enough time to carefully deliberate or analyze the situation). You also have to look at the urgency and the point of view of the other person. You also need to have a good sense of foresight or consider the possible consequences of action or inaction. It wont be a problem if theres a lot of time. It seems that as a person grows older (or more correctly, the more a person is assimilated in society), time becomes scarcer and the decisions become harder. Why is that? Why did we set up society to become more complicated the longer we live in it? Ok, im digressing.

coming in sideways

2 more final exams to go...and then i can have my tooth (or teeth) removed. how nice. something to look forward to after weeks of final examinations. i have an impacted wisdom tooth. or impacted wisdom teeth. cant remember exactly. for sure i have at least one impacted wisdom tooth and the pain it causes is really annoying. and it also prevents me from eating properly. thats why lately, ive been eating at the japanese/korean food place at the UP Shopping Center because its easier to eat bite-size food.

anyway, i was supposed to have it removed a few weeks ago when i visited the dentist due to the pain the impacted tooth is causing. but we decided to have it (the tooth extraction) scheduled when the semester ends because it would take around one week to recover from the minor dental surgery. and i dont have a spare week during the semester. thats why i had to wait until the last final exam before i can have it removed.

my supposed first week of vacation would be the end of the mental stress and the start of the physical stress which should last more or less one week. it depends if there wont be complications after the extraction. life is uncertain (and earlier i was thinking that life in law school is one big uncertainty). its possible that a nerve injury occurs during the extraction and i end up like George Grieves (Sublime).

Tomadores

holy heat!

whats up with the weather? its extremely hot! i think im sterile just because of the goddamn heat. i wont be surprised if my nut sacks got sterilized because of the weather (i should have asked in medjur class how hot is hot to have one's balls go sterile). its so hot it felt like i had a fever. im not exaggerating. and i think it also affected my brain functions. i was riding the jeepney a while ago and i was holding a P20 bill. and i didnt recognize it was a P20 bill in my hand. i forgot what i was holding. my hand, my brain and my eyes had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Left Hand: hey brain, im holding something, like a piece of paper. what should i do with it?

Brain: hmm.using the sense of touch, it feels like a small piece of paper and its crumpled. its too small to be of any use and like i said, its crumpled. so based from experience, its a useless scrap of paper and probably should be thrown in the trash bin. theres a trash bin on your right, throw it now.

Eyes: hey, wait a minute, let me see that piece of paper. i may not be the one in charge with the thinking but something tells me that its a bit weird for lefty to be holding a useless piece of paper. where did the paper come from anyway?

Hand: ok, here it is

Eyes: its a P20 bill. umm..with all due respect mr. brain, i dont think that piece of paper is anything but useless.

Brain: sorry, i guess i made a big mistake there. that piece of paper has a monetary value which can be exchanged for goods, services and other commodities depending on the purchasing power allocated upon it by the government that considers it as legal tender and the value granted upon it is also dependent on external factors like its value in the world market. i think. im just a brain of an average person, not a brain of an economist. but i take notice of the fact that the said piece of paper is something of value and i withdraw my former order to have the piece of paper thrown in the trash bin. i should have consulted the sense of sight first before making the decision. so, having re-evaluated the situation, i deem it best that the P20 bill be handed over to the jeepney driver in exchange for the service of transportation. there being no objections from any other body part, let the order be executed.


after that, i felt dizzy with all the non-sensical thoughts running in my head so i decided to just let my brain rest and stare blankly into space

My PC is a whore!

When "my" PC got infected with malware a few weeks ago, i had problems finding out how it got infected. Its rare for the PC to get "uncontrollably" infected by a virus, worm, trojan or malware. I always keep the anti-virus updated and im always careful with possible sources of infection. Most of the time, when the PC gets infected, i know the source. And knowing the source is very important because you need to have the source of the infection virus-scanned so you wont get infected again. Thats why i was very concerned when i found out the PC got infected with malware (which was hard to remove since the anti-virus cant fix it (or detect it at that time). I had to search various online forums that could instruct me on how to "manually" remove it).

Anyway, after a week of trying to fix it, i finally removed the malware (which runs a CMIII program in the background and prevents you from opening your hard drives with an ordinary left click, and i think also prevents you from safely removing flash disks and probably other USB port devices). It took me a week because i had a class everyday, and i needed hours of trying to figure out how to remove it, and another set of hours allocated for a "worst case scenario" (i.e. Reformat the C: drive!) so i also had to back up some files. Anyway, like i said, removing the malware was a success. But that wasnt enough, i need to find the source. Thats when i thought, my PC is a whore (or like a whore) and got infected with a reversible STD. Why? Because what made it difficult for me to find the source is that many people use the PC. Not only my siblings but also my cousins. And they check their emails there and insert their flash disks too. its hard to check and figure out who inserted the offensive instrument in the slot. So one of us must be the carrier of the horrible malware. So the question now was who? Who inserted the infected flash disk in the PC's usb slot. Or dowloaded an infected email and let the malware loose inside the PC. Anyway, im still not sure who the infected carrier is but at least my PC is clean again. And the anti-virus can detect the malware now (and the anti-virus is like a condom and it just so happens that at the time the PC got infected, the "condom was defective", meaning the antivirus was not updated enough to handle the malware). If the PC was a PC in a computer shop, i would say the PC is like a prostitute and not a whore since you have to pay for the services the PC offers.

Im mobile

I like this moblogging thing. Thanks to my cousin and her pocket pc, i can write blog entries almost anywhere and anytime. One place i cant write is inside the jeepney (tried doing that a while ago). Too bad. I get some good ideas during my everyday commute. Anyway, after writing the entry, all i have to do next is look for a wifi zone. And thats not very difficult because there are many wifi zones in places where i usually go to. And thanks to blogger, all i have to do is email the blog entry and the entry gets published automatically. This makes blogging more convenient. The only problem now is thinking of a decent and interesting topic to write about.

Life is a blur

I havent blogged for quite some time. Why? as usual, i dont know. It just happened. I guess i was just so occupied with stuff that i never had time to sit and write something to blog about. Although there's a bunch of stuff i would have wanted to write about (like a possible future of sperm banks, a fearless forecast on 1/3 of the local population and my PC having a life synonymous to a whore), as i said, i guess i just didnt have the time for it.

Right now, im really trying (and i really mean that im REALLY trying) to take my law studies seriously. And thinking of what ive accomplished, its not good enough. its still way below the standards ive set for myself. Old habits do die hard. Or maybe they dont really die, they're just locked in a cage deep within one's mind and you convince yourself it never existed. so begins the never ending battle between improving yourself and becoming what comes naturally.

which is the bigger sin to your own being? To deny yourself of being who you are to become someone of greater intrinsic and extrinsic worth or to deny yourself of becoming a better person just to be at peace with one's innate being. Of course you can always strike a balance. Life isnt black and white after all, but only a few seem to operate within the gray areas (or intentionally operate within it). I mean, life is uncertain, so why live a life of certainty? My answer would be, to gain stability. But that wont escape the principle of striking a balance. So again, you are forced to recognize, adapt and operate in life's gray area. and lately, it seems that i got lost within that gray area. The only thing certain about life is its uncertainty. Cliche.

This is my first blog entry which i wrote in a pocket pc (which my cousin lent to me) and emailed to blogger (i can now appreciate wifi technology!). And i wrote it while waiting for something to finish

new ironman trailer