where's my heart attack?

life rarely gives you what you want. it always gives you what you need. i dont know why life thinks i need this but there's nothing i can do about it i guess. what doesnt kill me makes me stronger right? maybe. but i think im much weaker now compared to my early college years. i find this current self annoying. it makes me susceptible to the common problems of man. the reason why i find it annoying is because man's common problems are really simple and easy to deal with, but given the way man's mind has been conditioned, the simple problem becomes a difficult obstacle.

problems are man-made, caused by man himself, inherently relative.

this current self really isnt working for me.

assuming the automated elections work...

if i were to choose which presidential candidate is the most qualified to be president, its Gibo Teodoro (followed by Gordon and then Villar). that is if my basis is their individual qualifications like competence, leadership skills and political experience. i said this to my cousin last year (that Gibo is the most qualified among the candidates).

Gibo is currently facing a handful of problems. but if despite these defections and rumors, Gibo manages to solve all these problems he is facing, it will give him the much needed boost he needs because it would show how capable he is, on how good his leadership skills are, that he will certainly be a very good president. like i said in an earlier blog post, Teodoro still has a chance of winning and he has better chance of winning compared to Estrada.

unfortunately, im still not voting for Gibo. why? because my basis is not how competent the candidate is but what their respective administrations will look like (and its socio-economic and political impact to the country. haha). right now, i think an Aquino administration is better than a Teodoro administration...in our current situation.

the way i see it, a Teodoro administration is like a "mild" version of what i think a Gordon administration will look like. a leadership of this kind is what the country needs but not necessarily what the country wants. an Aquino administration on the other hand will be more focused on what the country wants and might go for what the country needs from time to time. the latter is something the country will find easier to accept.

also, an Aquino administration looks more "interesting" compared to a Teodoro administration which i consider as very promising (while an Arroyo administration is annoying). the problem with characterizing something as promising is the uncertainty it brings with it.

tabula rasa

if there will be a time that i will be proven wrong, please let it be this one.

ive been right about most things. i have correctly predicted the outcome of most situations. so far ive been right about how 2010 will be. if im still right about this particular occurrence (which i have classified as an inevitability since last year), them im almost certain how the rest of the year will play out (which also gives me a vague idea about the next couple of years). and if things go the way i see it will go, i see only one option that could help me endure what's about to happen.

in an unrelated matter, another earthquake happened, this time in China. maybe an earthquake can save me from this situation? maybe. but thats just the easy way out of the predicament i placed myself in. i wonder if this is how suicidal people feel like when they want to quit life? well, much as i want to quit, life just doesnt want to quit on me. besides, in my life, there is no such thing as an easy way out so i would probably get used to it after some time and bounce back again after hitting this abysmal low im about to take. well, that is, if im still going to be right and my foresight is just that good.   

im a mechanical being with a non-mechanical existence

the world and the system that makes it work is very rational. logic reigns supreme. humans on the other hand have irrational tendencies. in the realm of the irrational, love reigns supreme. but this is just a human tendency because man remains to be a rational animal and collectively operates in a rational world. its the irrational that makes things interesting i guess. but rationality is what prevents this world from crumbling into chaos. therefore rationality is the basis of the human world order. this is what makes civilization possible. but small doses of irrationality makes the world go round. it what moves people beyond being simple mechanical creatures.

one month to go

in about a month, we will cast our votes and elect the next set of national public officials. my cousin asked me a few days ago who i think will win the presidential race. i said i dont know. last year i told him its going to be a fight between Aquino and Villar. eventually i said its going to be a 3 way contest between Aquino, Teodoro and Villar. with about a month to go, i think its still probable for Teodoro to catch up and its still possible for him to win. highly improbable and almost impossible but there's still a chance. Teodoro has a better chance of winning compared to Estrada even if the latter ranks third in the surveys.

today is april 5

at this very moment, i now have around a thousand unread emails. and i dont know when i will have time to read them. problem is, reading these unread emails will never be a priority and at the same time i cant delete them without reading them. damn it. its a thing of mine i cant break.

as of yesterday, i was addicted to chips, chocolate and coca-cola. i consume them every single day since around mid-january of this year. im going to try to do something with this addiction...by replacing it with new ones. it doesn't have to be food. my siblings also noted that this might be the first summer that i havent watched 50 First Dates. well, probably not yet. why? the DVDs broken. i need to buy a new DVD of the movie. 

last summer, my best friends were coffee, cigarettes and sisig. i just needed it to help me get by.

in a few minutes, it will be 2am. and the saying "nothing good happens after 2am" proved to be true last year. probably the saddest things happen after 2am. or maybe im just a very unfortunate person.

in a few hours, i will wake up and confront the mess ive placed myself into and wind up some things at work.

i didnt know there was such a thing as...

a serious game. decided to look it up after being criticized as being too serious and i thought if there's a game for serious people like me.

running out of tricks

answering an exam where you dont know the answer is like pulling a rabbit from a hat. pulling a rabbit from a hat doesnt make sense yet its amusing to watch. thats the same way i see it when i take an exam and i dont know the answer. i give an answer that doesnt make any sense but for some reason, the answer is worth some credit (it doesnt necessarily mean that the answer must be amusing but merely not a complete waste of time for the one checking it. the answer is worth giving some thought). and like the magic trick, its like pulling an answer out of nowhere and try to make it presentable.

unfortunately, that wasnt the case a while ago when i took the exam. i wasnt able to pull a rabbit from the hat and even if i managed to do it, i dont think my professor would like a magic trick.

it rained today and it was nice

Only love can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers' laying in the fields

Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me, reign o'er me

Only love can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high

Love, reign o'er me, rain on me
Love, reign o'er me, rain on me, reign o'er me

On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain

I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The nights are hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain

Love, reign o'er me, rain on me
Oh love, reign o'er me, reign on me

Burger King now serving beer!

i dont know when this started in the Philippines but based from a quick browse from Google search results, this started in the US this January 2010.

This move by BK generated mixed reactions (from "hell yeah!" to "this is stupid" and "it will generate lawsuits"). personally, i like it. when i saw the poster here (im in BK right now to study for an exam), i quickly thought its an interesting move. of course this is a product of market research and i wonder what their research told them to go for this unlikely move to serve beer.

im not much of a beer drinker myself lately so i wont benefit from this new menu. i just really find it interesting. maybe this move is safer for BK to do compared to McDonalds because BK's usual customers come from a certain age group and social class that are mostly responsible drinkers. that is the assumption.

seems plausible.

In the sex game, stressed men choose dissimilar mates.  

and i thought i was just turning into a robin scherbatsky. too much stuff to do leads to lowered standards and poor decisions. too busy to care. 

sleepless nights coming up

its crunch time once again. not only at school but also at work.

for school, i have a final exam this coming saturday. that means i have to go on leave for two days to study. that means i have to finish one week's worth of work in 3 days instead of 5. that means longer hours in the office.

and my work contract is about to end in a few weeks. so i have to deliver my required outputs before march ends.

just a few more weeks before...i crash and burn. this means i have to work twice as hard before the nasty beginning kicks in. seems like a waste of effort but well, i need to do what i have to do.

well, at least ive been conditioning myself to desensitize myself a bit from what's about to happen and ive come up with plans so i wont stop from moving forward. well, its a step forward because it makes me productive in a way.

life is harsh. and so am I

never slow down for anything. never stop for anyone. life is bearable this way since this is how life is basically.

"That's the thing about greed arch. It's blind, and it doesn't know when to stop."  - Lenny Cole

maybe amnesia can help

When you can see the future, you think you're capable of changing it. But you're just a witness to coming moments, unable to help, even if you wanted to and maybe you don't. Sometimes you think you're supposed to learn something, about patience or distance, but in the end it's all about discipline. Seeing things you don't always want to and just moving on. After a while things become easier. Your dream keeps your mind from wandering. You begin to accept things as they are. Every man has his destiny. You can't escape it, even if you can see it coming.- Pleasure

Imagine a world without God

i need to wake up and stop ignoring the God awful shitty mess im in. it might be making things easy but its not solving the problem. ignoring it wont change the reality that im going to crash and burn for the nth time. sure ill bounce back but every time i fall down, i cant bounce back as high as before. and im starting to feel the pressure being generated by this mess. and i hate the fact thats its almost breaking me but it never does. always close to the breaking point but it never quite reaches it. how annoying can it get?

right now, i dont know how some people can still think i have a bright future ahead of me. how strangers can tell to me that i will become someone great. i wish they would stop saying such annoying things. im not a gullible person nor stupid enough to think thats possible with where im heading. i dont know how people can still continue to have faith in me.

im trying to kill the blind optimism inside of me. its not doing me any good.

i think i am losing what's left of my mind

aim high.

 if you miss the mark, plummet then plunge. then rinse and repeat until you reach the astronomically high and the abysmally low.


Asok: My relatives want me to have an arranged marriage.

Wally: If they find someone who's totally hot and has low standards, ask if she has a sister.

Asok: What about love?

Wally: How can you not love THAT?

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce

im amazed that people still think im capable of loving another person. some people still expect that something will happen. that this love thing is for everybody. isnt it obvious that im not capable of such thing? its my defect, its my disability. i will admit that there might be something wrong with me (note, i said "might") but thats just the way i am. im a very rational (and self-centered) person and the irrational just doesnt work for me. i find it hard to deal with the irrational. the realm of the rational is my comfort zone and i will never go out of this zone for the simple reason that there's no point exploring outside its realm. so please, stop pestering me with nonsense and just accept the fact that people like me exist. im really getting tired of explaining and answering "why" questions that im surprised to learn happen to be really irrelevant and a waste of brain cells. i used to think all "why" questions are questions worth answering. im just really annoyed right now.

i should work in a casino

i just thought of a "game" to make life a bit interesting. i thought of it when i remembered harold crick categorizing and jotting down whether the stuff that happens to him is a tragedy or a comedy. of course, its boring to just categorize things to find out whether im in a tragedy or a comedy. so in the game that i thought of, what i would do is, make my life either as a tragedy or comedy depending on life's response. this somehow makes use of the concepts of fate and free will. well, more of the exercise of free will based from fate. well, its more of a game of chance followed by an exercise of free will.

anyway, the game goes like this:

so im bored. i see something like a car about to reach an intersection. if it goes left, i do something that will screw my life. like, flunk an exam. if it goes right, i will do the opposite, meaning do something to improve my life, like aim for a perfect score. if it goes straight and not make a turn, then i do what im in the mood to do when the exam comes. so thats three choices dependent on what will happen. of course, thats the simplest explanation. being the person that i am, it will never be as simple as that. i will make it very complicated, like inducing something to happen or trying to elicit a response from a group of people and try to come up with a general assessment whether its a positive or negative response. of course, this isnt an original idea. people do this all the time. its even based from the coin toss practice. only difference is, i make it more complicated and my future is on the line. well, not really. since i dont care about my future anymore, i cant really say my future is on the line. im just bored and i just want to do things. unfortunately, im afflicted with this unknown disease where i need a reason to do things. sadly, there is no cure for it but to do idiotic things like coming up with this stupid yet surprisingly interesting (well, a bit interesting) game. at least i can conduct social experiments and get to use my social environment in making decisions based on chance.

5 more pounds...

and ive gained the 25 pounds ive lost since 2008. it took me more than a year to lose 25 pounds. i gained 20 pounds since september. that cant be right. well, last august 2009, my weight was 145 pounds (when i graduated from college back in 2004, i was around 150-155 pounds). now, i weigh at 165. the weighing scale must be defective. or im really gaining weight really quickly. i never thought i can gain this much weight in just a few months. wait, i think i have thought that i can gain weight quickly (the same way i can lose 5 pounds overnight). i proposed a bet years ago that i can gain 10 pounds in a month. well, there were no takers. so im going to test myself whether i really can gain at least 10 pounds in a month. today is the 24th of january. by the 24th of february, my weight must be at least 175. this is a challenge for someone who loses weight quickly.

wow, im talking about my weight. life must be extremely boring lately. or very uneventful.