death is a once in a lifetime experience

why are some people so afraid of death? i honestly dont get it. sure there's the fear of the unknown but there are just some people who are really afraid of death. they will cling on to life no matter what, even if that is the last thing they do. 

i understand that life is supposed to be this great thing that most people would find hard to let go but that doesnt mean death is the opposite (like the worst thing that could happen to a person). the way i see it, the worst that could happen is one would cease to exist. actually that's death in its simplest sense. no afterlife whatsoever, just the termination of all bodily functions. what's so wrong with that? its not that things would matter after i cease to exist. im dead. i wont be able to feel or think or worry about anything. no pain, no sorrow. its finally resting in peace. isnt that good? 

even if things are going my way or if i really have a great life, i dont think i will cling to life like other people do. i will try to live (since its hard give up a great life) but if clinging to life would make me miserable (or useless or make life meaningless), then i will stop trying to survive and welcome death instead. whats the purpose of life if rejecting death will force a person to live a life of fear? well, if thats what works for them, so be it. but taunting death is much better. of course taunting death without putting one's life to waste and/or ruin. i believe death is never unreasonable. 

the dog of Pavlov

what could i say about 2008? well, i would say its a good year. not happy, but good. i became really serious and focused when it comes to academic stuff. actually, thats what the year is mostly about, my school life. i placed everything else on hold. or for those stuff i cant put on hold, i let go, unfortunately. 

i was able to complete one full year of "committing" to the single life. sure ive been single my entire life but when i meant committing to the single life, i really mean "single and not looking and will never be interested to look" kind of single (its like switching into a stone cold prick living on an island shouting "leave me alone" whenever a creature that looks like a relationship pops up). no silly text mates, no "fraudulent machinations", no mixed signals schemes, no intimate non-sexual interaction, and no voluntarily entertaining any thought that would go against the single life im committing to (because i dont have full control of my subconscious. dreams of me having a non-single future is becoming more frequent). if i could only make this a subject of a wager, this would be much easier. well, not really. im not a good gambler. 

i also spent the year thinking about what i will do in the next few years. no concrete plan yet but a few plans are taking shape. more than a year ago, my life had no direction (or so it seems). im a leaf being blown by the wind. not really. i was aimless but not necessarily carefree.

what else happened this year? well, a college blockmate got married (and eventually got pregnant), had an impacted tooth removed, some of my college blockmates took the Philippine Bar exams, had my kinky story read on air by the "swiss miss" on the BrewRATs radio show (the night before a midterm exam), attended my first court hearing (not as a lawyer but as a law student), my cousin gave me her iPaq (very thankful for it but i realized that i became too dependent on it that when it malfunctioned, my life was "derailed" a bit), had back to back semesters with 20 units each, became an OLA Teamleader (which means that i cant be a lazy ass), the eraserheads had their reunion concert (goosebumps all over when i heard the first few lines of the first song sung), realized that i love ateneo after all, i adore audrey hepburn, my cousin and her family went to the US (and will stay there until my niece finishes high school. i think), learned that i will not graduate on march 2009, august remains to be a pain in the neck, had an interesting birthday, turned 25, my father retired, i became more cruel, arrogant, harsh, demanding and temperamental (side effect of being in serious mode, i feel like im in a position to lecture others on how they should live their life), got hooked on HIMYM (which made me realize im not part of a "sitcom" at the moment), and lastly, had a wonderful december because i think it was the month of the year where i was able to socialize the most (because i spent the other 11 months saying no to any form of social gathering or finding an excuse not to attend). 

i gained a lot of stuff this year. not what i wanted but its a gain nonetheless. its focusing on what i think i need and ignoring what i truly want (well, thats what ive been doing all these years but this year, i took it two levels higher). thats why 2008 is a good year but not really a happy one.

i think this year is also about proving to myself what im capable of. of course, im not satisfied. i saw that though i was able to improve myself emotionally and mentally, i completely neglected the physical aspect of myself which became a problematic limitation.

as for next year, im thinking of going for "i dont want to survive, i want to live" theme. i still have two days to think it over. i want to make sure that the "training" i underwent this year will not go to waste if i decide to "let go and simply live". ive never been a fan of life since 1997. 

Sabrina sizzles to steal a holiday

I like to think of life as a limousine. Though we are all riding together we must remember our places. There is a front seat and a back seat and a window in between. - Thomas Fairchild

Democracy can be a wickedly unfair thing...Nobody poor was ever called democratic for marrying somebody rich. - Thomas Fairchild

Actually, depravity can be terribly boring if you don't smoke or drink. - Gabrielle Simpson

Watch for normal human reactions! - Simon Dermott

If I were dead and buried, and I heard your voice,
Beneath the sod my heart of dust would still rejoice. - Princess Ann

checklist

before i start another list for my new year's resolution for 2009, im going to check first if i was able to accomplish the stuff in my new year's resolution this year. 

Stuff i was able to do: 
Read some fine books 
Show some emotion. positive emotion.  
Surprise yourself  
Face one's fears 
Cherish sweet memories 
Be nice to doctors 
Study harder 
have a sense of discipline. 
focus.  
be friendly or be nice 

Stuff i wasnt able to do: 
Have a year filled with magic, dreams and good madness.  
Make some art. Draw, build or sing. 
Love is rare, grab it and love truly 
Exercise 

Stuff im not quite sure if i was able to do or not: 
Write 
Live as only you can. 
Be thankful 
Never regret anything...that made you smile 

so the score is...10-4-4. not bad. not that good. but not bad. so i will just carry over the last 8 stuff and try to accomplish it this year. 

as for the movies i wanted to watch this year: 

i was able to watch 12 movies (out of the 26 from the list): 
The Incredible Hulk 
Iron Man 
Meet the Spartans 
The Dark Knight 
Jumper 
Semi-pro 
Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
Wall-E 
Speedracer. 
Hellboy II: The Golden Army 
Hancock 
Teeth  

i didnt get to watch 14 movies: 
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (going to rent it) 
The Love Guru (going to rent it) 
Penelope (going to rent it if available) 
Be Kind Rewind (going to rent it if available) 
Horton Hears a Who! (going to rent it) 
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (going to watch it next year) 
Mamma Mia (going to rent it) 
Step Brothers (going to rent it if available) 
Starship Dave (cant believe this is in my list...wonder why) 
Baby Mama (going to rent it if available) 
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (going to rent it) 
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (going to rent it) 
My Blueberry Nights (going to rent it if available)

december 24

its the twenty goddamn fourth of december! im tired. very, very tired. my feet hurts from all the walking inside the mall. im very sleepy because im really out of shape. i have no more money in my pocket. well, not totally empty but the amount is depressingly low. and i dont have an ounce of christmas spirit. the good thing about not feeling the christmas spirit is i wont feel bad no matter what happens on christmas day because for me, its just like any ordinary day. 

Professor Henry Higgins

   I'm an ordinary man, who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance, to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants. An average man am I, of no eccentric whim, who likes to live his life, free of strife, doing whatever he thinks is best, for him. Well, just an ordinary man. But let a woman in your life and your serenity is through, she'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome, and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you. Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall, make a plan and you will find, that she has something else in mind, and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all. You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love. You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove. Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife. Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands. I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life. 

 

   I'm a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured who you never hear complain, who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein. A patient man am I, down to my fingertips, the sort who never could, ever would, let an insulting remark escape his lips. Very gentle man. But let a woman in your life, and patience hasn't got a chance, she will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely, and then go out and do exactly what she wants!!!  

  You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush, all at once you're using language that would make a sailor blush, Let a woman in your life, and you're plunging in a knife. Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks, I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a woman in my life.

   I'm a quiet living man, who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room, who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb. A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys, who likes to meditate, contemplate, far for humanities mad inhuman noise. Quiet living man. But let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through, in a line that never ends comes an army of her friends, come to jabber and to chatter and to tell her what the matter is with YOU! She'll have a booming boisterous family, who will descend on you en mass, she'll have a large wagnarian mother, with a voice that shatters glass. Let a woman in your life. Let a woman in your life. Let a woman in your life. I shall never let a woman in my life.

i need to...

• buy a new chair because the one i have now is under the process of breaking down and its only a matter of time before it becomes completely unusable
• buy a new mp3 player because my mp3 player is defective and i would like to use my cellphone more as a phone than an mp3 player
• have my cousin's PDA fixed because its making my life difficult without it and i dont even know why it suddenly broke down
• drop by the QC Prosecutor's Office and look for a certain person to talk about something law related
• call the NLRC to ask for an update regarding one of my case's
• contact a couple of clients to update them on what's up with their cases
• do some more research on my paper
• finish my RRAF
• save some money to pay for some debts i got myself in due to boredom and stupidity
• do some window shopping even if crowded malls annoy me
• buy a ziplock plastic bag
• study, study, study even if it means being more serious and becoming less fun
• restore the focus i had last semester because compared to last semester, im taking it easy so i need to get my groove back
• make back-ups for the recent stuff stored in the PC and laptop
• read non-law books and the opinion section of the newspaper because my level of writing sucks

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