yeah. thats how you used to greet me. or maybe people. "musta chief?, "ano na naman tinira mo chief?", "bakit ka late chief?"
you were our platoon leader. you appeared to be the leader of your group of friends. that guy who reluctantly takes the leader post because no one wants to take it. you looked like someone who's living a good life. thats why when they said you killed yourself, i refused to believe that you hid a lot of pain behind that friendly smile of yours. i said that it cant be. it must be some accidental shooting or something. a person like you cant be suicidal. youre tough. then the other day,in a matter of seconds while taking my usual grueling MRT ride, i understood. i understood how it must have been for you. i saw what you saw. or i felt what you felt. it really does feel like your head is being split apart huh? millions of screaming voices in your head. you feel your eyes are wide open even if its closed shut. all your five senses are going nuts. to think its possible for your skin to be extremely sensitive and numb, thats crazy isnt it? it only took seconds but it felt like an hour. what makes it worse? the seconds will become minutes. minutes to half an hour. the intervals become longer. the next thing you know, youre at the end of the plank, thousands of miles up in the sky and the only thing that makes sense is to jump. its really stupid for you to think its saint peter on the other side. or were you just being sarcastic? because in that dark, God forsaken depth, hope is lightyears away from it. and i doubt saint peter will be at the bottom of that pit.
my former associate was right. anyone who kills himself is no longer in his or her right mind. i still agree. but now, i understand. its the loneliness that really kills you. the pain is really secondary. the fact that youre seen as everyone's beacon and source of strength or support already gives you tremendous burden. your friends did look up to you. i see them now and well, some did well, some didnt. had you lived longer, you could have been a great lawyer. well, cant blame you. that sickening moment when you lose it just tears you apart, doesnt it? you just want it to stop. to end. i guess thats why ive been exerting a lot of effort not to be alone with my thoughts. maybe you did the same and your friends eventually got tired. i never thought i will be prone to such a pathethic thing. it was never an option. but i guess ive never known this form of pain before. i never thought there's a force thats more destructive than hate and rage. im sorry but i dont want to end up like you. i dont want to be where you ended up. but in the unlikely event i do see you again, im going to say "were a couple of idiots arent we?"
