tough year. really tough. whatever doesnt kill you make you
stronger they say. well, im not getting any younger so it becomes more
difficult to stay strong. physically at least.
ive been driving my van lately and it keeps...dying. after
the accident, i had it fixed. it took months because it really had a bad crash.
but i guess after all the repairs, it will never be the same again. it will
always have that scar no matter how much i try to hide it. it might keep on
dying on me no matter how many times i have it repaired. the crash really did
mess it up. it looks good on the outside but its not really doing well.
actually, if anyone would take a closer look at it, its "wounds" from
the accident are still there. i guess thats permanent because the repair guys
said theyve done everything. unfortunately, they just cant remove the stains
and cant fix the small dents.
in a way, im no different from my van. i may not be taking
meds for some maintenance shit like some of my friends or havent undergone some
surgery or had a serious illness but i grow weak each day. im not even sure if
what im having is some simple back pain or some kidney problem. or why my left
knee is taking months to get better. or why my left middle finger always feels
injured. i easily get bruises and muscle pains. i wont be surprised if my lungs
start acting up. my heart already feels its struggling in pumping blood. i dont
know. its been a tough year. had to consume all the booze that i can drink, eat
all the meat and sweets i can get, smoke all the cigs and weed i can smoke, and
date the women i can easily hook up with. well, whatever doesnt kill you makes
you stronger.
then there's the crazy chick who keeps making me realize...stuff. i feel bad for...us. but then again, as she pointed out, she was the one who made the first move. i never make the first move. she keeps pointing out traits she hates about me which somehow explains why things will never work out for me. i act like a genie. i dont act or do things unless im asked. i may make all the wishes come true but i have to be asked first. well, as my first employer said, i lack the initiative. but i never fail to deliver. but thats not what girls want. they want to be desired, loved, cared for, feel special...without asking the guy. i almost said that i already did those to other women and that didnt work out but i decided to shut up because if i get asked why i did that to other women and not to her, the answer is obvious. i dont need another drama episode. then i realized...all i really want is to have fun. have some adventure. i guess im not a relationship person. im impatient, im always skeptical when things are too good to be true, i always think everything is temporary or everything ends and all i think about is myself.
i hope someday, if i live long enough in 2014, i would stop lying to myself and admit that i did fall in love and unfortunately, i was too scared to acknowledge it and i walked away because i refused to believe it was possible. that it is in fact possible to care for someone more than anyone else, including myself. that it is possible to see eternity despite the knowledge that life is short. that one can find inner peace in a struggle. that you can just find yourself doing things for someone just to make her happy without expecting anything in return or even thinking about it. that there are things you just know even if it lacks rhyme or reason. well, better luck next time. if there is a next time.
