Sweetest downfall

Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

My greatest regret?

Not being able to throw that surprise birthday party. I really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. But it wasn't the right thing to do under the circumstances then.

So i regret doing the right thing? Well, im certainly not happy choosing to do the right thing. But then again, happiness is simply a state of mind.

for the nth time, I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope

people keep asking how come i dont have a girlfriend (after convincing them that i really dont have one). i honestly wish im gay (recently ive been wishing that a lot). it would be much easier to explain why im single.

unfortunately, im not gay. i cant make myself be attracted to guys. i just dont see what can make guys attractive when they dont have them loveable woman parts and have faces that are...well, guy-ish. i dont know. all guys look the same to me. and friends keep telling me that if i were gay, it wont really change anything. i dont think so. i think if i were gay, i wont be single.

actually, its not the being single part that's bothering me. its the "i keep trying but i keep failing" part that's really getting on my nerves. recently, i allowed myself to like another girl. she was great. really promising. that's why even if i told myself to stay away from her and not do anything, i ended up trying again. and i fell...again. thankfully, i didnt fall for her as deeply as the one that preceded her (God, i concede, You got me there. that one really brought me down to my knees. until now, just the thought of it still overwhelms me. if there's anything that could make me believe in You and Your power over me, she would be it. actually, her very existence somehow made me believe in You. i guess that's why i was so pissed because ive never felt so weak and vulnerable after You've made Your point. damn it God. i still hate You for it. but yeah, if I were You, i would have done the same thing. i guess that's the only way i will see (or feel) how much ive hurt others by feeling how painful it is to be in such situation. it was really well played. i honestly believed...yeah, if only my brain was on top of things then, i would have seen it for what it is)

anyway, even if i didnt fall deep enough for this girl, it still makes me feel bad because it just proves that i cant have the girls that i want. much as i want to be that guy who will try to make her happy for the rest of her life, if she doesnt want me to be that guy, well, there's nothing i can do. of course, im still hoping im wrong (i always hope im wrong. unfortunately, i always end up right and i just have to accept it after some time and move on and hope to find another girl until i get it right. or until my heart decides to give up and literally stop. it really doesnt want to stop beating) but i wont make her settle for anything less than what she wants in the same way i wont settle for anything less than what i want. ive tried that, and it only made me miserable (and also messed up the girl to the point she joked she will file a VAWC case for psychological abuse for making her feel inadequate. yeah. ive had my share of crazies).

Sorry V

"Night gathers and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the night's watch for this night and all the nights to come." - Night's Watch Vow

...eat, drink, and whore myself into an early grave. - Robert Baratheon

some friends have been trying to convince me to choose someone who will help me acquire...power. or at least, put me in a politically advantageous position. half a decade ago, i would have easily done so. i would do it in a heartbeat as long as there's a good reason to do it.

now, i find it difficult to see its benefit. or why i should still do it. because now, i know what makes me happy. or ive been made aware that someone close to what i want exists. i used to think that it's impossible to find so many traits i desired in one person. well, knowing she exists doesn't really help. i cant have her. there are a few things in life im certain of and one of them is that i cant have her. i knew right from the start that it's not meant to be. well, having feelings really clouds one's judgment and i ended up trying anyway, hoping im wrong. im never wrong. or at least no one has proven me wrong.

but despite what i feel or what i know or what i've become, i would like to believe i still am someone capable of doing it. just because.

Game of Thrones: Season 1, Episode 5 - The Wolf and the Lion

Robert Baratheon: We haven't had a real fight in nine years. Back-stabbing doesn't prepare you for a fight. And that's all the realm is now: back-stabbing and scheming and arse-licking and money-rubbing. Sometimes I don't know what holds it together.
Cersei Lannister: Our marriage.

Robert Baratheon: So here we sit, seventeen years later, holding it all together. Don't you get tired?
Cersei Lannister: Every day.
Robert Baratheon: How long can hate hold a thing together?
Cersei Lannister: Seventeen years is quite a long time.
Robert Baratheon: Yes, it is.
Cersei Lannister: Yes, it is.

Cersei Lannister: What was she like?
Robert Baratheon: You've never asked about her, not once. Why now?
Cersei Lannister: At first, just saying her name even in private felt like I was breathing life back into her. I thought if I didn't talk about her, she'd just fade away for you. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I refused to ask out of spite. I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of thinking I cared enough to ask. And eventually it became clear that my spite didn't mean anything to you. As far as I could tell, you actually enjoyed it.
Robert Baratheon: So why now?
Cersei Lannister: What harm could Lyanna Stark's ghost do to either of us that we haven't done to each other a hundred times over?
Robert Baratheon: You want to know the horrible truth? I can't even remember what she looked like. I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted... someone took her away from me, and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind.
Cersei Lannister: I felt something for you once, you know?
Robert Baratheon: I know.
Cersei Lannister: Even after we lost our first boy. For quite a while, actually. Was it ever possible for us? Was there ever a time, ever a moment?
Robert Baratheon:No.

i guess its the start of something new?

lost my phone the other day. i was really distracted.

i was on my way to a seminar in ortigas. i used a different backpack because i prefer using the samsonite backpack when im bringing my laptop because its more "laptop friendly". problem with the samsonite bag is that its less secure than the europak one, the one i use daily when i go to work. the fact its less secure means i need to pay more attention to my bag more than usual. so thats one of the things occupying my attention.

since im on my way to a seminar, it means i wont be able to do office work (well, not conveniently anyway) and i have deadlines to meet. i need to submit something to an oversight government agency and a position paper for the Senate. so i have that running in my mind too while on my way to the seminar.

usually, i plug my earphones during the commute so i wont have to think about my phone getting snatched from my pocket. but on that particular morning, my mind was too busy processing stuff that i didnt feel like listening to any tunes. plus, im running late.

anyway, there i was, second in line behind a girl, hands in my pocket. lenovo cellphone in my left pocket, wallet and samsung cellphone on my right. i noticed the guy behind me when i checked how long our line was (it wasnt long) but didnt pay much attention. when the train arrived, as usual, people are pushing for positions. but the guy behind me was pushing harder than usual that i almost lost my balance. my left hand reached for the metal bar to support myself then i placed my hand again in my left pocket. that's when i realized my phone was stolen. it took only a few seconds. fuck. the train's moving already and i moved back to the train doors to block the train's doors. i announced that there's a pickpocket among the crowd but no one reacted. dammit.

upon reaching the next station, i called one of the guards and told him someone stole my phone. i tried asking him if he recognizes anyone from the group. after a few minutes, we decided to just report the incident since i cant identify anyone who snatched my phone.

thereafter, i called some friends who can help me change the passwords of my email accounts and passwords in social networking sites. cant have these accounts compromised. then i thought about my phone's SD card. do i have photos/videos that shouldnt leak? then i realized that most of my photos there are photos of women, weed and alcohol (or women and alcohol, or the girl that provides weed. or sex, drugs and alcohol because of pics of motel rooms and hotel corridors). holy crap. im a rock star.

meh. that life is gone anyway. im now reduced to that guy who's sober for months, eats mostly fish and wheat bread with a sex life of absolutely zero. at least my sexercise has been replaced with running/jogging and im now thinking of going back to the MMA gym. yeah. clean living. i dont like it but its what's good for me. gotta do whats good.

anyway, this is one of the last photos my phone took. it was supposed to be a pic depicting my way of living which is to live life close to the edge or reflect the first step in the first few lines in the walter mitty movie quote, "to see the world, things dangerous to come to". go wherever i want to go, reach for the horizon and enjoy life. the sky isnt even the limit.  i guess Mustang wont be with me to continue this journey

while everyone's sleeping...

im working.

this always gives the impression im a workaholic when i think im really not. it just so happens that i do what i feel like doing. for example, when im in the office, i dont work during the full eight to ten hours im there. sometimes i sleep, i go out and roam or have long lunch breaks (there are days when i dont work at all and just sit there and do nothing). the only time i work intensely is when im beating a deadline (and i rarely miss a deadline). 

during vacations or out of town trips, i always bring work with me. i brought some work stuff during the surfing trip in la union, during my cousin's wedding back in 2009, during the thanksgiving celebration of a friend in batangas, etc.

and i do work (like now. some say its pretentious to bring work stuff but i really do work). its not like i only work during these trips. i enjoy my stay too but at the same time, i want to remain productive. or in case im in the mood to work, i want to be able to work. the same way that when im in the office and i feel like i want to unwind a bit, i roam or i eat somewhere nice.

anyway, for tonight, this is my tagaytay team

my old lenovo laptop, Grimlock, used to be my travel companion. in the five years ive used it on a daily basis and brought it wherever i went, it only crashed once. now, it sits in my makati office. i still use it daily but i no longer bring it with me because ive replaced it with another lenovo laptop, Diablo, which i also use on a daily basis at home, which is now my current travel buddy.

thank you. now i understand

always getting pushed into a corner

i was sitting in a coffee shop with my siblings when a sudden realization struck me. all good things always come to an end. to be more specific, the things i grow fond of always get taken away. the nice korean restaurant, the blue soda body spray, the dos equis beer.

then i thought, when i decided to walk away from something i knew i will regret for the rest of my life, i was confident i was prepared for it. i mean, i know how to recover from a loss. i know how to get back up. there's nothing any person can tell me that i didnt already know (or i havent done). ive been through a fucking lot so i know what to expect and how to address it. well, life is a bitch. didnt expect that whenever i manage to get back up, it kicks me in the nuts so i'll stay down.

"oh, youve found a way to be happy to get over from that thing you walked away from? well, you cant have it. you cant have good food, you cant have booze even if you only drink in moderate amounts, you're not allowed to satisfy your sweet tooth, you cant smoke, youre not allowed to enjoy the company of friends, im going to make sure that you always screw up at work, that your left knee always acts up so you cant roam or travel, that going home will always be the last thing you will want to do because you absolutely hate it, you also cant revert to the old life of simply dating women for pleasure, and you cant date those promising nice girls too because some kind of illness will always come your way to prevent you from even starting to ask them out. and every time you find something that will make life bearable at the very least, you get a kick in the nuts to remind you that you swore youre ready to regret your decision for the rest of your life. just making sure that you know that this is what you decided to have and didnt trade anything to receive anything good out of life"

life, you know im a stubborn idiot. ill manage. i always do.

Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs. - Barney Stinson

damn it kelly brook! youre making want to buy expensive stuff!

and wish there are sexy female barbers.

Dita Von Teese!!!!

so lovely and graceful. *sigh*

good thing i still have my lighter. wait...they just fixed the smoke detector. damn it!

i was cleaning my office when this happened. i realized i havent opened my office drawer for almost a year.

i decided to clean my office since i cant focus on my work and i have no one to talk to. even the crazy chick is busy. might as well do something productive.

i remember i started to get the hint with "effort. thanks". good thing i didnt pick up the pencil and paper again. i havent drawn anything seriously since 2004. drawing portraits take time (i dont even know if i can still draw one since i need the right mood for it in order to be able to draw something good. or come up with something artistic). maybe my artistic side isnt really meant to be used. or using my thing for planning for surprises. maybe i should focus on pranks instead. its both surprising and creative and the end result of good planning.

anyway, i think its karma's way of saying "you only get what you give. the Golden Rule applies to everyone mothafucka!".

Sadako, won't you tell me what it is that scares you?

If I could be reborn... 

...even though it would violate the will of God himself... 

...I would want to be at your side...

...with you.

 If it were all a dream... 

...when I awoke... 

...if only you were there. 

But the light of morning shows me as I really am. 

Still I want to say... 

...I love you.

“A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth" - Barney Stinson