thank you. now i understand

always getting pushed into a corner

i was sitting in a coffee shop with my siblings when a sudden realization struck me. all good things always come to an end. to be more specific, the things i grow fond of always get taken away. the nice korean restaurant, the blue soda body spray, the dos equis beer.

then i thought, when i decided to walk away from something i knew i will regret for the rest of my life, i was confident i was prepared for it. i mean, i know how to recover from a loss. i know how to get back up. there's nothing any person can tell me that i didnt already know (or i havent done). ive been through a fucking lot so i know what to expect and how to address it. well, life is a bitch. didnt expect that whenever i manage to get back up, it kicks me in the nuts so i'll stay down.

"oh, youve found a way to be happy to get over from that thing you walked away from? well, you cant have it. you cant have good food, you cant have booze even if you only drink in moderate amounts, you're not allowed to satisfy your sweet tooth, you cant smoke, youre not allowed to enjoy the company of friends, im going to make sure that you always screw up at work, that your left knee always acts up so you cant roam or travel, that going home will always be the last thing you will want to do because you absolutely hate it, you also cant revert to the old life of simply dating women for pleasure, and you cant date those promising nice girls too because some kind of illness will always come your way to prevent you from even starting to ask them out. and every time you find something that will make life bearable at the very least, you get a kick in the nuts to remind you that you swore youre ready to regret your decision for the rest of your life. just making sure that you know that this is what you decided to have and didnt trade anything to receive anything good out of life"

life, you know im a stubborn idiot. ill manage. i always do.