Sweetest downfall

Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

My greatest regret?

Not being able to throw that surprise birthday party. I really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. But it wasn't the right thing to do under the circumstances then.

So i regret doing the right thing? Well, im certainly not happy choosing to do the right thing. But then again, happiness is simply a state of mind.

for the nth time, I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope

people keep asking how come i dont have a girlfriend (after convincing them that i really dont have one). i honestly wish im gay (recently ive been wishing that a lot). it would be much easier to explain why im single.

unfortunately, im not gay. i cant make myself be attracted to guys. i just dont see what can make guys attractive when they dont have them loveable woman parts and have faces that are...well, guy-ish. i dont know. all guys look the same to me. and friends keep telling me that if i were gay, it wont really change anything. i dont think so. i think if i were gay, i wont be single.

actually, its not the being single part that's bothering me. its the "i keep trying but i keep failing" part that's really getting on my nerves. recently, i allowed myself to like another girl. she was great. really promising. that's why even if i told myself to stay away from her and not do anything, i ended up trying again. and i fell...again. thankfully, i didnt fall for her as deeply as the one that preceded her (God, i concede, You got me there. that one really brought me down to my knees. until now, just the thought of it still overwhelms me. if there's anything that could make me believe in You and Your power over me, she would be it. actually, her very existence somehow made me believe in You. i guess that's why i was so pissed because ive never felt so weak and vulnerable after You've made Your point. damn it God. i still hate You for it. but yeah, if I were You, i would have done the same thing. i guess that's the only way i will see (or feel) how much ive hurt others by feeling how painful it is to be in such situation. it was really well played. i honestly believed...yeah, if only my brain was on top of things then, i would have seen it for what it is)

anyway, even if i didnt fall deep enough for this girl, it still makes me feel bad because it just proves that i cant have the girls that i want. much as i want to be that guy who will try to make her happy for the rest of her life, if she doesnt want me to be that guy, well, there's nothing i can do. of course, im still hoping im wrong (i always hope im wrong. unfortunately, i always end up right and i just have to accept it after some time and move on and hope to find another girl until i get it right. or until my heart decides to give up and literally stop. it really doesnt want to stop beating) but i wont make her settle for anything less than what she wants in the same way i wont settle for anything less than what i want. ive tried that, and it only made me miserable (and also messed up the girl to the point she joked she will file a VAWC case for psychological abuse for making her feel inadequate. yeah. ive had my share of crazies).