stupidity is the best policy

have i reached my limit? it seems like im no longer improving on anything, like i stopped evolving or something. i feel like im no longer learning anything substantial. when i read my blog entries, i say to myself, "im like de-evolving! these entries could be written by a high school student!" when i read the papers, i tell myself, "how come i cant write like them! i should be writing stuff near their level!" that's one reason i started blogging, thinking i was just rusty. i thought i needed some constant practice. but i dont seem to be improving. now, when i write a paper and compare it the ones i wrote in college, what i usually do after writing it is swear and mutter some profanities. why? its like im having some kind of retardation! my college papers were better, and i found them easier to write back then. now, its a struggle to merely think of an idea that i could write about. i think i took mediocrity too much. im even having trouble with my grammar and from time to time with my spelling. that wasnt the case three to four years ago. back then it was very easy to study. i dont even need highlighters or notes. i dont use notebooks back in college, if someone saw me with a notebook, it was merely a prop, pretending that im listening or i use it to make some doodles to keep me awake (so when i say that the stuff i carry are merely props, im not joking, until know, i carry lots of stuff but i really dont use them...some of them anyway). i absorbed easily what i read back in college. i even did some extra reading in the library on Marx and Nietzsche and other books that weren't assigned by any of the subjects i was taking. now, im just this stupid, absentminded, careless, loser, psycho loner! i dont mind looking like that as long as i have the same intellectual capability i had before. i mean, i dont need to appear intelligent as long as i am intelligent. unfortunately, the case has turned into what you see is what you get! i dont know what happened, its like my brain cells are dying at an accelerated speed. i would like to think maybe its because of my blood illness which is said to affect higher brain functions (i dont even recall where i got that, whether i read it in an internet article or whether it was my doctor that informed me of that. although im sure it was my doctor who said that if my condition is in its aggravated stage or phase or whatever its called, i would feel like im floating or doing a man on the moon type of moonwalk). but, i dont want to think that's the reason for this sort of retardation im experiencing. with the kind of thinking i already have, i might abuse the idea that my illness makes me dumb. so i guess i will try to just study harder, triple the effort. not sure if that will work. if im no longer absorbing stuff, its like a waste of time and energy. but still, i should try right? i just feel so stupid.