Tuesday, August 21, 2007
i just hate this month
i hate august. just got called for nego again and wasnt able to answer. how nice. i wouldnt mind if i didnt study. problem was i did. crap. at least i was able to say something as opposed to the last time where my mind just went absolutely blank. the only thing flashing in my mind during that recitation was Cebu. but thats only the name of the case. how the crap can the word Cebu help me in my recitation. as for a while ago, i really couldnt recall the details of the case. all i had was a general idea, very general idea, of the case. that wont even lead me anywhere. and to make things worse, i cant understand where my recitation was heading. fucking crap. maybe its my blood illness acting up. its affecting my memory retention and retrieval. its slowing down my brain functions. ok, blame the illness. when i took the LAE interview a few years ago, i had a high fever. but did use it as an excuse? no. i still went to that interview even if i wasnt feeling well. i couldnt even stand the air-conditioning so i stayed outside the room while i was waiting for my turn. got waitlisted for that. i was stuttering during the interview and i had a hard time thinking. but that didnt stop me and i didnt blame my fever for getting waitlisted. so i wont blame the sucky recitation on my blood illness. besides, its only a probability. so am i blaming it on august instead? not really. but i am thinking that its not surprising that my recitations suck this month. august is the month that always gives me a hard time. not that my recitations are good but my recent recitations are the worst for this semester. and im kind of hoping that by the time august ends, i get to recite without my mind going blank or taking years for me to retrieve the answer in my head. and its not a self-fulfilling prophecy either. i dont think im going to have a sucky recit because its august. i just remind myself that its august after the stupid recitation. so its more of an afterthought really. and i dont condition my mind that just because its august mean im going to get sucky recits. i just tell myself that i should try harder and if that doesnt work, its august after all. so i do try to change things but well, sometimes, no matter how much i try, there are things that just wont change...yet.
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