being unhealthy is burdensome and restricts my freedom.

i wouldnt say im health conscious. i would say im more mindful of my health now compared before (a friend would react and say "so its a question of semantics?" i always contradict him by just rephrasing his statements). years ago, when my blood condition was being closely monitored, i really didnt care about my health status. my mother even requested my cousins to pester me to be more concerned with my health condition then (because some crazy doctor prescribed some chemotherapy pills that caused my mother to worry too much). now that things seem to be more ok than before (not much skin allergies, no longer closely monitoring my blood, lungs seem to be better), why have i become more concerned about my health? why now when things seem to be normal? i wondered why the sudden concern and i came up with this (while walking home a while ago, asking this question): its not the fear of death or the fear of dying. its more of the fear (well, not fear but something quite like it) of not dying. ever since college, i tell my friends that death or dying isnt something worth worrying about. when a person dies, everything ends. all his worries, problems, etc. vanishes in an instant. when youre dead, you wont feel bad about leaving people and things behind. you simply just cease to exist. so why fear it when you wont feel or know anything after it occurs? so the problem lies in not dying. or not dying fast enough. or to be more clear, to be on the verge or in the middle of life and death and to be in a constant state of not dying. thats the scary part of it. i think. with this in mind, i said to myself, if im not going to die soon (because ever since high school, ive thought that i wont reach the age of 30. now it seems only an accident will prevent me from reaching 30), i wouldnt want to be unhealthy while waiting for death to come. its like gradually moving towards death in a burdensome pace and not quite reaching it because death wont reach out unless it wants to take you. thats torture. so its not the uncertainty of living (although it could wield some influence) but the discomfort and pain it brings that bothers me. i dont want to be in some pain, discomfort or some restriction due to health concerns (not being able to eat what i want to eat or not do what i want to do). i think this is the simple reason why i became more mindful of my health.

maybe its temporary. maybe its just a phase or something

my attachment to my cellphones has substantially declined lately. before, it was the first thing i see in the morning and the last thing i check before i sleep. its always within arms reach from my bed. even while half asleep, when it rings, i can easily grab it with eyes closed because i know where it is exactly (even if its position changes every night. it seems my brain can easily picture its position in the room since its the last thing i check before i sleep). this has been the case since, if i remember correctly, 2004 (when i replaced my 3210 with a camera phone). and until 2006, i bring my phone with me in the shower. back then, 1/4 of the time, when i step out of the shower, there's always a text message or a missed call and i was the type who always replies promptly. when my old cellphone broke down and when its replacement was stolen, i quickly bought a new one. its like i cant function normally if i dont have a cellphone. that's how attached i am to my cellphones.

i dont know how this attachment developed. i just noticed that i have this intense attachment to most of the current essential gadgets. when i was in grade school, i was attached to my walkman (a walkman or a portable music player is essential to me. i always bring with me my mp3 player). i brought it to school when i have the opportunity (even if i only own two cassette tapes at that time. The Lion King OST and Michael Jackson's Dangerous album). ever since i took possession of my sister's laptop (which i promised to replace by buying her a new one by the end of the year), its been almost inseparable from me. a friend commented that im weird because we were at the beach and my bag was full of gadgets and wires. im more likely to forget to pack clothing than to forget to pack my cellphones and its chargers.

anyway, i just noticed that lately (lately means more or less three weeks. maybe more), i havent been mindful of my cellphones. when i check it, there's a text message or text messages that ive received half an hour or hours earlier (this is not normal for me since i always hear my cellphone ring because its always with me or within arms reach and the only time i dont reply promptly is when i dont have phone credit). i was also surprised that i have a draft message that i was supposed to send to people as a christmas greeting. i forgot about it (actually, i dont even remember saving it. just saw it this week). i was also supposed to send text messages to greet people last new year's day. i didnt (and its because the next thing knew, new year's day was over. life has been a blur lately). there are times i forget to check it before i sleep. its no longer the first thing i look for in the morning. its like one day, i woke up and im not attached to my cellphones anymore. but even if thats the case, i still dont forget to bring it with me when i leave the house. its already part of the "routine". there are things that i always have with me when i leave the house and its become a strong force of habit that i dont have to consciously think of checking if i have these things with me. like my watch for example. my right wrist feels bare when i step out of the house and im not wearing it. someone made a recent comment that i have lots of stuff in my pockets. i think it adds a pound or two (thats why i only weigh myself when im wearing indoor clothing).

not that i feel any different now that im not as attached to my cellphones as before. it just bothers me a bit that one day i can wake up and things arent the way they were before and i might not realize it. a change that might be significant but hardly noticeable. i think im going to miss my old attachment to my cellphones in a few days or in a few weeks now that i noticed the change.

i have a terrible headache. my nose is slightly congested. i caught another cold.

my theory is...its because of the coffee. ive been drinking coffee daily lately since i think ive found my default brewed coffee brand.

ive always felt that coffee weakens my immune system. thats why i should only consume it in moderate amounts. 2 cups of the 8oz mcdonalds coffee or a starbucks grande cup would be a moderate amount for the entire day. if i go beyond that, i start to feel drained the day after.

usually, brewed coffee either perks me up or makes me sleepy (instant coffee has no effect). if the coffee wakes me up, i feel all my "potential energy" has been transformed into "kinetic energy", thats why i feel drained once the effect of the coffee goes away. no more energy left.

now, why do i think the coffee is the culprit for my cold? its because ive been consuming almost half a liter of brewed coffee lately (i have a half a liter mug. and a half a liter drinking glass). not that it wakes me up but like i said, i think i found my default brewed coffee brand. i like its taste. ive been drinking it daily for a week already and last monday, when i brought home some work, i consumed another half liter of it (it would be my third half liter within a week. in one sitting). the following day, tuesday, i wasnt feeling well and felt that im going to get a cold (i wore a jacket inside my office and the airconditioning wasnt even on. this is weird because i always feel hot). by tuesday night, i already have a sore throat and by wednesday morning, i already have a cold. i cant think of any other reason how i could have acquired the cold virus since i only go to the office then walk straight home (no contact with strangers). my theory is i have a weak immune system caused by drinking too much coffee. i take multivitamins and 500mg of vitamin c everyday. i eat fruits every other day. i always get 7-8 hours of sleep. im not stressed either. but i guess its no match against overconsumption of coffee.

another possibility is...im just old. im not that old but im not as "healthy" as my younger self. comparing my physically unfit 27 year old self to my physically unfit 25 year old self, my 25 year old self will come out as healthier. growing old sucks.

woke up with a loose bolt

went to gilmore yesterday to buy an external hard disk drive. i needed the additional storage space and i need to make a back up for some files. for some strange reason, i was deprived of my basic knowledge of computers. i guess there are days when you wake up but your brain forgot to follow.

all i remember is that i had my lunch at 2pm then i was at gilmore by 330pm (lately, life has been a blur. again! like the early scenes in Scott Pilgrim vs the World). i did some canvassing and looked for the cheapest internal 500 gig seagate sata hard disk. there wasnt much price difference in the different stores i went to. i initially wanted a hitachi but since 3 out of 4 of my hard disks are seagate, i decided to have some brand loyalty (i dont know what's the brand of the other hard disk. i think its samsung. i wasnt there when it was installed). when i finally decided which store im going to buy the internal hard disk, i then went to CD R King to buy an external hard disk enclosure. this is where i did something idiotic. i bought the enclosure for a laptop hard disk instead of a desktop hard disk. at the back of my mind, i knew that i was buying the wrong enclosure but since i didnt explain to myself well enough why it was the wrong enclosure, i didnt listen. it was a very stupid mistake to commit. i was canvassing for an internal desktop hard disk, why the crap will i buy a laptop hard disk enclosure? right from the beginning, i knew what i was buying. how can i make a mistake in buying the wrong enclosure? anyway, i managed to get it replaced with the right one. i just felt really stupid for making the mistake.

when i got home, i checked if the hard disk was working. the PC and laptop can detect it but i cant open it because it doesnt have a designated drive letter. stupidity number two. ive bought hard disks before and installed it too (except for one of the hard disks in the PC because i was at my "despedida" party. so i just gave instructions to the computer repair guy, over the phone, about the hard disk i want). its very basic that i have to format the hard disk first! it took me half an hour to remember that.    

slept last night feeling retarded.