ive been reading a lot of comic books

ive been pondering for weeks if im one of those guys destined for greatness. back in college, this would have never been a question worth asking. i thought then that if i wasnt born to be great, i firmly believed that i had what it takes to seize greatness. i also believed that i am capable of wooing fortuna to go to my side and do things in my favor instead of being a pain in the ass. now, or for the past half decade, ive been riddled with self-doubt. i now think im a mere shadow of what i used to be. this is the price i paid for what i did back in 2004. i took a break from greatness when i told myself there's no such thing as taking a break from greatness.

if i am meant for greatness, then i cant die until i fulfill that purpose. i cant have rabies or AIDS or cancer or Crohns. now matter how much i screw up, things will always fall into place because im meant to do something or be someone.

in the past, ive had a couple of close calls. when i was a kid, i could have been killed, or lost my legs in a car accident. i tried to overtake a car running at moderate speed (for me, it looked like a speeding car. but to a kid, things appeared much bigger and much faster and things arent exactly as what they appear to be. so my guess that it was only running at moderate speed). i was playing tag with my sister and i was so caught in the game that when i saw the car, i thought i could run to the other side of the road so that my sister wont be able to reach me (that was really fucking stupid. had i succeeded in crossing the street, my younger sister could have been the one that got hit by the car. but then again, if i remember correctly, my sister had better sense than me because i remember she stopped pursuing me when she saw there was a car on the road). fortunately, the car managed to reach a full halt when i was exaclty in front of it and its bumper hit my thighs lightly, like a friendly tap on one's shoulder. i was like a deer frozen in front of blinding headlights. when i saw the car about to reach me, my legs just froze. well, my life, which was absurdly short back then, didnt flash before my eyes. the driver just cursed his lungs out and all i could do was bow down apologetically for giving him the fright of his life.

the second close call i had was back in high school. i was crossing the street when my high school batchmate, a korean, called me from behind. i turned my head to see who it was and instead of stopping, my legs continued crossing the street while i was looking behind me. stupid. really stupid. when i looked in front, a truck that was turning to the street i was crossing sped right in front of me and my face was just less than half a foot away from the side of the truck. my nose was just inches away from the speeding truck.  had i taken another step, it would have been impossible for the truck to miss me. the weird thing about that incident is why didnt the truck driver blow his horn to alert me of its presence? in both instances, if both vehicles managed to hit me, the impact of getting hit could have killed me or at least injure me really seriously (if the car hit me when i was a kid, it could have thrown me violently to the ground if the driver stepped on the brake pedal seconds later than the driver did).

so when it comes to accidents, fortune was on my side as if saying, i cant die yet. as for my career, well, my uncle said it was destiny that made me a lawyer. it wasnt a childhood dream. in law school, i wasnt even sure if im going to finish it. during the bar exams, i wasnt able to give 100% because i just lacked the motivation and focus (but i exerted a lot of effort). ill be damned. im a freaking lawyer.

my life is good. i have an envious position in the order of things. i actually create my own drama just to give color to my life, to add struggles in it because my life is very much "plain". but despite all these, having probably everything i need at my disposal in order to do something great, i doubt myself. actually, i know i already have what i need in order to do something great but i just refuse to do something about it. i want a simple and short life. to accept greatness complicates things. but i have a natural talent for the complicated. damn it. now i want to confirm it by taunting death yet again. i want to make sure this is what i have to do. i want necessity to be the push that i need in case its confirmed that im destined to do something great. i dont know. im just really reluctant and lazy to take part in something great. back in high school, i envisioned myself as a leader. my daydreams constituted me leading a pack of great individuals. now, i just want to play a supporting role. i just want to have a leader who knows how to best utilize my abilities. call me when im needed. this current mindset reflects how much ive changed and how lazy ive become. i now prefer being that guy who just waits to be called, the reliable last resort. sort of. this became my preferred role when i realized i have the knack for damage control. if other people can do it, let them do it.

an argument just came up. terminal illness isnt a confirmation one is not destined for greatness. aside from the fact that Captain Mar-vell, the champion of the universe fielded against Thanos, died from cancer, many great and inspiring people achieved greatness due to their struggle against death. so being kept away from death isnt proof that there's a destiny that must be fulfilled. sometimes being pitted against death's embrace is the push some people need. as for me, knowing myself, the push that will force me to embrace greatness is either through necessity, something crammer's know fully well, or through something whimsical, like waking up one day and im just in the mood to be a force to be reckoned with. in the past, necessity has been less reliable than whim.

Im Yoona

whimsical and impulsive

in the last 24 hours, i was...well, whimsical and impulsive and it was costly. yesterday afternoon, after staying home on a saturday (something which rarely happens recently because im usually out somewhere during weekends) i suddenly felt like buying some pizza. i wasnt really craving for it but i just wanted to eat something good enough to assuage my craving for samgyupsal. so i told my mother that instead of cooking dinner, im going to buy us some pizza (well, i asked my siblings to buy it and if there's any change from the money i gave them, they can use it to buy a liter of soda and if there's still change, some chips for me because i was in the mood for something salty). when my siblings were out buying the pizza, i thought maybe it was better to just get a KFC bucket instead. that would piss off my brother since KFC is on the other direction from Pizza Hut (and like me, they prefer walking rather than riding a tricycle). anyway, i convinced myself to get a KFC bucket the next time i have some food cravings.

then this morning, i was still craving for samgyupsal. instead of just getting it at Kwon's Kitchen, i convinced my brother to just eat at Yakimix for lunch. if that wasnt whimsical enough, i just bought a printer (a Canon Pixma MP287). usually i do some research on gadgets and computer stuff before buying them but well, today, i just felt like buying a printer (at least i have a brand in mind). there's no gadget sale or anything and there's no immediate need to buy a printer. i just bought a printer for the simple reason that we currently dont have a useable printer. the other canon printer we have, a late 90's model and 14 years old (Canon BJC-255sp), is still working but unfortunately, canon no longer sells cartridges for models that old and its slot/cable is no longer supported by new motherboards (i upgraded our PC last year). our other printer is an HP printer-copier-scanner and its bonkers. because of that printer, i absolutely became a non-fan of HP and other HP products. thats why when the salesperson was trying to do a sales pitch for an HP printer, saying the cartridges are cheaper, i simply replied, "i want a Canon printer". i sounded determined to get a Canon printer when i wasnt even thinking of getting one yesterday. i just thought about buying it today while having lunch at Yakimix (although ive said earlier this morning im going to buy a printer, my brother thought i was going to do some canvassing first and buy it...maybe next week. i only decided to buy the printer today half-way through our lunch).

these stuff i did lately wouldnt be a problem if i had enough money to spend. i need to get a better paying job. being this whimsical and impulsive leaves a deep wound in my wallet.

if i just gave in to my samgyupsal craving, i would have spent P170. but i didnt. and i spent thousands.

actually, last night, i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. well, i ended up with a printer and an expensive lunch instead (i paid for my brother's lunch since its me who really wanted to eat at yakimix. actually my brother tried to talk me out of it by saying, we dont really need a printer at the moment and yakimix can wait some other time. but well, i just wanted to spend like crazy today).

shoes and stuff

so i was thinking of buying another pair of running shoes. just saw another cheap pair. cheap for the brand. but i told myself i dont deserve another pair. ever since April, i sort of stopped jogging. it started with a busy week. then a week where everyday is always a record high when it comes to the temperature of the day. the next thing i know, i was jogging for only once a week. then it was followed by a couple of weeks where i didnt jog at all because the hot weather is just too much (i was sweating even if i was just sitting in front of the electric fan doing nothing). now that the hot weather is almost gone (almost but not quite), i wont have excuses anymore. last week, i managed to jog twice. but this week, i reverted back to one since i wasnt feeling well.

now, i noticed that im into bags and shoes lately (yep, im now a girl when it comes to shopping. unlike before where i only think of gadgets). aside from running shoes, i also bought two pairs of leather shoes. in two months, i bought three pairs of shoes, the most ive bought in a short amount of time since i was born. usually i buy a pair of shoes and the next pair will be bought after at least a year. i wear them until its impossible to wear them. so its not unusual to see me wearing a pair of shoes with a hole in it or part of the sole is already detached.

the thing with these leather shoes are...theyre boots. or i think its called dress boots. i bought my first pair when i went to a court hearing in manila. after the court hearing, i remembered my brother told me that there's a hole in one of the heels of my leather shoes. seeing how bad it was, i decided to buy another pair of leather shoes so i can have the pair i was wearing repaired somewhere. i saw a shoestore, browsed the shoes that were on display and i liked a pair of formal dress boots (maybe because since 2010, ive been wearing hi-cut chucks on an almost daily basis. i like it when my ankles feel secure). so i bought the pair of black dress boots and then brought my other pair of leather shoes to a shoe repair shop near my law office so i can pick it up after work.

as for my other pair of boots, i bought brown ones. and i bought them in anticipation of the rainy weather. the chucks i have arent really rain proof. i always get a soggy pair of socks whenever i go to the office on a rainy morning. so i managed to give me a reason to buy another pair of boots. i cant use the black ones because its for court hearings, especially non-Quezon city court hearings (because its hard to tell what the weather will be in other areas and having two pair of shoes for court hearings reduces the effects of wear and tear)

i really should stop buying shoes before this thing for shoes become worse. i have enough pairs for almost all occasions that will last a couple of years or more (well, except the running shoes if i manage to restore my thrice weekly routine). i think i need someone to control my spending.

just a thought

a few weeks ago, i had some sort of "korean day". i started the day at 7:30 am with a court case im handling where the opposing party is a korean national. then i ate lunch at the nearby korean restaurant i frequently go to. then before i left the office, my korean client dropped by my law office to have a document notarized. thats when i realized that it was a "korea filled day".

not a single day passes that i dont see a korean national in real life. this is true and im not exaggerating. the only time i dont see a korean in real life is if i dont go out of my house. if i dont go out of my house, i only see nine pretty korean ladies (TV, PC or laptop). i always see one whenever i walk home or go out to eat lunch or when i take my afternoon jog (so basically, when im outside). there's just so many koreans in my residential area. now, i dont have anything against them (nor do i like them simply because im a fan of girls' generation). i would say its neutral. they're no different from the way i see other foreigners. but the thought of seeing them on a daily basis, making me realize their population, well, its just...a bit uncomfortable to a certain extent. its like having a visitor at home or in class. you become aware of a foreign element and things arent as normal as it usually is. of course im used to having a lot of korean nationals in my residential area but there are times when i wonder, "why are there so many of them here?". the weather is annoyingly hot and the air is polluted. its not really the best place on earth. if i was some foreigner coming from a country that is better off compared to my country, only necessity would make me stay here. im not saying the philippines is a bad country to live in. its not. its a country that knows how to get by, knows how to roll with the punches, inhabited by warm and friendly citizens with a government thats a work in progress. its a country i can be proud of (its just the weather is so goddamn hot. its not as tolerable as when i was a kid). it just so happens that i also admit its not perfect. its far from perfect. korea or south korea looks like a country that has a nice weather (the cold weather might be really bad but, im really not a fan of the hot weather), nice environment, good enough government, etc. the only problem is that its really expensive to live there. also, i will admit that their food is nice (but then again, im not a fan of local cuisine and i only like a handful of local dishes) and their culture is interesting but it still doesnt change the fact that koreans here make me feel like having a visitor around and wonder why visit or why live here? actually i do get why theyre here. but is it really worth it? maybe. i mean, thats why theyre here.

anyway, the thing i admire about koreans is their sense of nationality and their sense of duty to their government. its something i hope this country will develop sooner rather than later.

Lee SoonKyu