ive been pondering for weeks if im one of those guys destined for greatness. back in college, this would have never been a question worth asking. i thought then that if i wasnt born to be great, i firmly believed that i had what it takes to seize greatness. i also believed that i am capable of wooing fortuna to go to my side and do things in my favor instead of being a pain in the ass. now, or for the past half decade, ive been riddled with self-doubt. i now think im a mere shadow of what i used to be. this is the price i paid for what i did back in 2004. i took a break from greatness when i told myself there's no such thing as taking a break from greatness.
if i am meant for greatness, then i cant die until i fulfill that purpose. i cant have rabies or AIDS or cancer or Crohns. now matter how much i screw up, things will always fall into place because im meant to do something or be someone.
in the past, ive had a couple of close calls. when i was a kid, i could have been killed, or lost my legs in a car accident. i tried to overtake a car running at moderate speed (for me, it looked like a speeding car. but to a kid, things appeared much bigger and much faster and things arent exactly as what they appear to be. so my guess that it was only running at moderate speed). i was playing tag with my sister and i was so caught in the game that when i saw the car, i thought i could run to the other side of the road so that my sister wont be able to reach me (that was really fucking stupid. had i succeeded in crossing the street, my younger sister could have been the one that got hit by the car. but then again, if i remember correctly, my sister had better sense than me because i remember she stopped pursuing me when she saw there was a car on the road). fortunately, the car managed to reach a full halt when i was exaclty in front of it and its bumper hit my thighs lightly, like a friendly tap on one's shoulder. i was like a deer frozen in front of blinding headlights. when i saw the car about to reach me, my legs just froze. well, my life, which was absurdly short back then, didnt flash before my eyes. the driver just cursed his lungs out and all i could do was bow down apologetically for giving him the fright of his life.
the second close call i had was back in high school. i was crossing the street when my high school batchmate, a korean, called me from behind. i turned my head to see who it was and instead of stopping, my legs continued crossing the street while i was looking behind me. stupid. really stupid. when i looked in front, a truck that was turning to the street i was crossing sped right in front of me and my face was just less than half a foot away from the side of the truck. my nose was just inches away from the speeding truck. had i taken another step, it would have been impossible for the truck to miss me. the weird thing about that incident is why didnt the truck driver blow his horn to alert me of its presence? in both instances, if both vehicles managed to hit me, the impact of getting hit could have killed me or at least injure me really seriously (if the car hit me when i was a kid, it could have thrown me violently to the ground if the driver stepped on the brake pedal seconds later than the driver did).
so when it comes to accidents, fortune was on my side as if saying, i cant die yet. as for my career, well, my uncle said it was destiny that made me a lawyer. it wasnt a childhood dream. in law school, i wasnt even sure if im going to finish it. during the bar exams, i wasnt able to give 100% because i just lacked the motivation and focus (but i exerted a lot of effort). ill be damned. im a freaking lawyer.
my life is good. i have an envious position in the order of things. i actually create my own drama just to give color to my life, to add struggles in it because my life is very much "plain". but despite all these, having probably everything i need at my disposal in order to do something great, i doubt myself. actually, i know i already have what i need in order to do something great but i just refuse to do something about it. i want a simple and short life. to accept greatness complicates things. but i have a natural talent for the complicated. damn it. now i want to confirm it by taunting death yet again. i want to make sure this is what i have to do. i want necessity to be the push that i need in case its confirmed that im destined to do something great. i dont know. im just really reluctant and lazy to take part in something great. back in high school, i envisioned myself as a leader. my daydreams constituted me leading a pack of great individuals. now, i just want to play a supporting role. i just want to have a leader who knows how to best utilize my abilities. call me when im needed. this current mindset reflects how much ive changed and how lazy ive become. i now prefer being that guy who just waits to be called, the reliable last resort. sort of. this became my preferred role when i realized i have the knack for damage control. if other people can do it, let them do it.
an argument just came up. terminal illness isnt a confirmation one is not destined for greatness. aside from the fact that Captain Mar-vell, the champion of the universe fielded against Thanos, died from cancer, many great and inspiring people achieved greatness due to their struggle against death. so being kept away from death isnt proof that there's a destiny that must be fulfilled. sometimes being pitted against death's embrace is the push some people need. as for me, knowing myself, the push that will force me to embrace greatness is either through necessity, something crammer's know fully well, or through something whimsical, like waking up one day and im just in the mood to be a force to be reckoned with. in the past, necessity has been less reliable than whim.
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