Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

just do it, nike said. so i did. when in doubt, just do it (when it should be dont). so i kept...just doing it. well, i ended finding myself in tricky and sticky situations. i gave myself "ghosts" that will continue to haunt me. i dug myself holes with depths that amazes me. all for the sake of beating the boredom? sometimes. sometimes i just roll the dice and couldnt care less where it takes me. im too old for this shit. im no longer young to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun.

there are moments when i wonder how the hell did i end up as a lawyer? well, a friend also asks that same question, sort of. he wonders how people could entrust their legal woes, and to a certain extent their lives, to a man such as he. as for me? the way i see it, i just kept picking up the shot glasses served before me, drinking it up and rolling the dice and the next thing i know, im done with law school, im done with the bar exams and now im a lawyer, inching towards my second year of law practice.

i dont mean i partied a lot when i said shot glasses. im a homebody. i meant, i just kept mindlessly doing things regardless of the consequences just because its seemed like a good idea at that moment. or just do reckless and immature things just to let the time pass by, not really mindful of the future, thinking im going to drop dead soon enough. well, im still alive and sort of kicking. im afraid i will have to face the reality that i might live beyond 30. that sucks. aside from getting old, its difficult to answer im thirty something when im asked about my age without feeling like a dinosaur. i already feel old when i hear the song Dangerous by Roxette because i remember listening to it when i was in grade school.

its hard to believe that i dont think of my future when im that guy who always has a plan. do i really look like a guy with a plan? sure i plan a lot. i think of the future a lot but my actions contradict those thoughts. i think i just plan to exercise them brain cells and to at least give me some comfort that im thinking about my future. but i rarely even go through with the plan. well, long term plans. its easy to comply with the short term ones that addresses the present situation. actually i plan a lot less now compared before. in the grand scheme of things...nah, the universe can just fuck off. just call me when you need me cosmic one. when you think there's the need to shake things a bit. ill be at the bar having a drink or in a restaurant savoring a meal or in a coffee shop sipping some tasty hot chocolate. sounds like a...not so bad plan. where at the end of the day, i just want to sit on a sturdy stool or comfy couch and let my mind wander aimlessly, not a care in the world, then sleep and then wake up in the morning and face a stress free work day. i just want a simple life. i wish i didnt. maybe i do. i dont know.