bookworm fred

I am such a “nerd”. I can’t go to ateneo to get my diploma but I can easily drop by because I have to go to the library and research. And I was really happy with the fact that I can do some research in the library. And when I inquired about the alumni card, my only concern was access to the Rizal library. The guy in the Alumni Association Office was telling me the benefits of the card like discounts and all I cared about was access to the library. I really don’t care whether it has other benefits aside from unlimited access to the library. Well, there’s a deposit needed for borrowing books but its refundable, the fact is, I can borrow books with the card. I need to check what it means to have the membership activated because it’s not really a library card. and how many times will i use the word library in this blog entry and the fact that i have access to it?

 I just felt good walking between shelves and shelves of books. There is the UP Law Library but ive grown accustomed to the way the books are arranged in the Rizal library. I just find it easier to conduct research in there. And it’s better lit. and the air conditioning of the Rizal library is much better. I guess I missed the Rizal library. Wow, of all the possible stuff to miss in ateneo, it’s the library I chose. 

I guess one of my blockmates was right to say i am the bookish type because I look like one and my other blockmate to say I am such a nerd because im always in the library. I mean I just went to ateneo to inquire about the library services I can avail of as an alumnus and to access the OPAC and see how much research material I can get in the library but I ended up browsing the books and actually taking down some notes which prevented me from going to the Marikina RTC as I earlier planned. Who gets pumped up by just going to a nice library? Not me, but almost. 

Its either im a nerd deep inside (I admit Im a geek but a nerd? im not quite sure) or the lack of alcohol is driving me nuts. I mean, I didn’t even take college that seriously back then and I just slept in the library. College for me wasn’t an intellectual pursuit or something like that. Well, I did read the assigned readings for Fr. David’s classes that I wasn’t taking and I went nuts on the books on Marxism, meaning i read a lot of stuff that weren’t required. Crap. Im a nerd in denial.

mostly about edible stuff

I ate in the cafeteria in Ateneo a while ago and I must say, they still have affordable meals. I had a…I cant remember what it was. Wow, it must have been an unmemorable meal. But what I do remember was it was cheap and it was decent. It’s something I could eat every other day or maybe everyday if I was short on cash (which is everyday recently). It cost me P70, well P79 because of the extra rice but that’s already inclusive of an “upsized” drink, more specifically iced tea. In Rodic’s, for P75 I would have 2 servings of rice but that does not include any drink. The cheapest and at the same time easily accessible place to eat (for me) in UP can cost as low as P50 but that doesn’t include any drink. So a meal with a drink plus extra serving of rice in the UP cafeteria im talking about would probably have the same price (P79) but im comparing it with the cafeteria in ateneo. I was expecting that I wont be able to buy a cheap meal in there. Its been four years so I thought the price of the meals have increased or wont be as cheap as the meals in UP. It may not be selling the tastiest meals but its still nice to know there are still those who have affordable and decent meals.

A lot of the stalls were closed a while ago so im not sure if the stall that sells quesadillas is still there. i always ate them quesadillas before the polsci class in faura. and sometimes during class, i step out as if i was going to the restroom but i was actually going to get myself a quick meal. i liked its salsa.  

I noticed this CLAYGO poster in the cafeteria. Its supposed to mean “clean as you go”. I think. And I tried doing that a while ago since that’s what we do in the UP Law Cafeteria and well, there was this guy who I think cleans the tables just told me that I don’t have to do the cleaning up. I guess the claygo thing only applies to meals in disposable containers. That’s still a good thing because it’s considerate to the next user of the table. I don’t remember doing that back in college. I just leave my mess after im done eating. 

I also noticed the vending machine in SEC still has Tofiluk and Safari. I always pick Safari whenever I want something sweet from that particular vending machine (the same way i always want a KitKat when i play billiards which i think was P8 back then, i dont know how much it is now). I also remember that I always picked cherry coke in the Soc Sci vending machine. I didn’t notice if it was still there and I doubt there’s still cherry coke in any of the vending machines inside the campus.  

I didnt get to drop by ISO. i would like to see what they are serving now. back in my freshman year, i think i tried all their sizzling plate meals. and during the latter college years, i always ordered their mongolian dish, with extra rice. and i always saw half of the chinita twins studying there. which reminds me of the chinita lady who asked me a while ago how to go to ateneo while i was waiting for a jeepney near romulo hall in UP. i just came from ateneo during that time and in all my years in UP, it was the first time someone asked me for directions on how to go to ateneo. and i think she's the second most attractive female stranger driver who asked me for directions. the most attractive was the dead ringer for bianca gonzales who also sounds like bianca gonzales asking for directions on how to go to the fine arts building. the only reason i think she was not bianca gonzales was because her cheeks werent as smooth. 

big, bad and blue...can be a description of a man's balls

The fact that Ateneo is very much alive in me doesn’t necessarily follow I am an Atenean. I still consider myself as a recipient of an Ateneo education or someone who went to that university in Katipunan with a Blue Eagle gym. That’s why I say I am not an Atenean. 

Being an Atenean, for me, is different. It’s more than just having a college degree from Ateneo. It’s more than being a man for others. It’s more than applying what the institution has taught. And it’s much more than being an avid supporter of its basketball team. To be an Atenean is to actually live a life that will make the institution proud to have educated such a person. That’s what being an Atenean is. The same goes for other universities. To call oneself as an alumnus or an alumna of a university, it’s not sufficient to be a recipient of a diploma from the university. It’s living the life the way the university shapes its students/graduates. Each university has a different approach, a different focus, a different way of shaping its students/graduates. Until they live the life that is in accord with the university’s purpose, the university’s reason to exist as an educational institution, I think they are merely recipients of the university’s educational style. In my case, I’m only an Atenean in paper due to the diploma I got a while ago. I don’t think im living a life that would entitle me to call myself as an Atenean. So, how should one live to be able to call one’s self an Atenean? Well, figure out first what those four years meant, what the university is shaping its students for and what they are supposed to do as members of society equipped with such an education. what i just wrote is bullshit that makes sense. 

Also, there’s another image of an Atenean. The not so good one. That also a reason why I don’t want to call myself an Atenean. That image is something that I openly attacked during high school and I was really pissed that I ended up in a school that produces such people. So I guess there are two types of Ateneans and im neither. 

something blue

Just went to Ateneo a while ago (if you’re an atenean and want to correct me that it should be “the ateneo”, I will say, “No i will not refer to it as “the ateneo”. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. Im sorry but I just hate it. i dont know why there should be a "the". i do believe there is such a thing as school pride but calling ateneo as the ateneo really sounds stupid to me”). I went there to go to the Rizal library and do some research. I haven’t been there for years. I went back there after I graduated in 2004 but I don’t recall my most recent visit to the campus that I will forever call my college (well, until I give it a reason to disown me as its alumnus). One thing I learned a while ago is that I don’t miss the place. I don’t miss the school. Well, its physical aspect at least. Maybe not as much as most people would after four years from graduation. Eight semesters must mean something right? But I didn’t feel any nostalgic stuff while walking inside the campus. It’s because it felt like I didn’t even leave the place. It felt like I was there last week or maybe the other day. Not much has changed. There might be new buildings and a lot more benches (the place just screams the campus can never have too much benches) but the campus still looks and feels substantially the same, including the Ateneans that were in it. How can I miss a place that I feel that I never even left? 

Why do I feel like that? I guess Ateneo for me is like a beautiful lady that I am not afraid to lose. Why beautiful lady? Well, because it appears to me that everybody wants to be in Ateneo like every guy wants to be with a beautiful lady (or at least it’s the norm). Everyone who gets to be in Ateneo is proud to be in Ateneo, the same way that a guy with a beautiful lady is proud to be with a beautiful lady (Not sure if women think the same way, like they all want a handsome guy and proud to be with one). Anyway, after being with her for four years, I can push that beautiful lady away as much as I can, say the harshest things about that lady and not care what happens next because of my actions and words. And if I happen to lose that lady, I won’t care, I will move on and things will be fine. I don’t mind not having her for the rest of my life because it does not matter to me at all. Treat her as if she was a mistake that I’m happy to be done with. But deep inside I know as a fact that despite losing her, she has changed me forever and that no matter how far I push her, it’s undeniable that she will forever be a part of me. It won’t change the fact that she played an important part of my life because in those four years, she shaped me to be who I am now. I’m not being ungrateful by pushing her away because I do appreciate what she has done for me. It just so happens that things change and there will be stuff that can’t be kept. Like her. So I won’t mind losing her. So we go our separate ways and not see each other nor talk to each other. But even if that’s the case, despite the distance, physical and emotional, the bond that has been formed between us would remain. Due to this bond, it feels like she never left me, giving me no reason to miss her. It’s like she’s always there. And the bond will not disappear because it has made a deep mark in my life. 

So that’s how I see my college. I could openly rebuke the university that educated me and it won’t matter because the fact that I’m its graduate won’t make me less of an alumnus. I could move further away from it since there’s no point staying in the university because going back will never be the same. The good things about it are no longer there, like my blockmates and the memories I have with them. And since they’re no longer there, what’s left is just the physical part of the campus which is loveable but I love it less compared to the memories I have of it with my blockmates in it. No matter how long I stay away from such a glorious educational institution, I will always be contained in its records that i became part of it and its history, the same way that i will consider it as a part of me because its my one and only college. And being a part of me, I will not grow to miss it since it will always be with me. I always remember it whenever I criticize it, when I talk to other Ateneans, when I read about it in the papers or hear about its Ateneans in the news. How can I miss something that is very much alive in me almost every day? And I didn’t even realize that it’s very much alive in me until I walked inside the campus a while ago. Maybe a major overhaul of the landscape of the campus would change how I feel about it. That would make me feel that I have been gone for so long I can’t recognize it anymore and truly point out to me that I did leave.

mostly uneventful

just had a bad day. not august type of bad so it could have been worse but still a bad day.
 
the day started well. had a hearing and things seem to have went well. 

After the hearing i dropped by OLA, then I had lunch. In all the years ive been to Kha’s restaurant, 75% of the time, I ask for their lamb chops and 100% of the time they say its not available…until today. Even if I was expecting them to say its not available, I still asked and I was happy to be proven wrong. So I ordered lamb chops. Bad thing about it was that it wasn’t that good. Maybe I was expecting more or I was comparing it to the wrong restaurant (Circles. Now that I think about it, why would I compare Circles’ lamb chops to Kha’s’?). That’s one of the bad things that happened today, a disappointing meal. For P175 i would rather buy a Yoshi’s burger in Tokyo Café. Yoshi’s burger is the best burger ive had for the price of P165 and I like it more than a Double Whammy with Cheese of Wham Burgers which costs much more. But then again, maybe I should try Yoshi’s Burger when I no longer have a cold. Maybe my sense of taste is misleading me when i tried it. But I doubt it. If I could taste how good the burger is even if I have a cold, it only means its much better than what I think.
 
Anyway, the other bad thing that happened is that my bag strap was torn off when I was boarding a jeepney. Stupid jeep didn’t make a full stop so when I boarded, the momentum of my entry made my bag hit the ceiling of the jeepney and in the process tearing off the strap and making a hole from where the strap should be attached and giving my bag a forceful drop on the asphalt. Good thing my cellphones weren’t inside it. What made it bad was I was heading home and I just had a very tiring day doing the “ninja report” and organizing case files. What a way to end the day. Well, the day has not really ended but im heading there. 

My bad day isn’t really that bad. Well I would not want to call it the highlights of my day.

too serious to function

ive been studying for two weeks...straight! well, except for that one day where i did some OLA work and the latter half of saturday where i just slept in the library but the rest of the time was spent studying. and ive taken it too seriously that it took its toll a while ago when i woke up. i was a nervous wreck and my head was really a mess but i wanted to study. unfortunately i cant. my mind was just too messed up to function. and now, im forcing myself to procrastinate. because ive become too serious i refuse to take a break. sure i rest from time to time but im still to focused on studying that the needed distraction isnt really there. two days ago, i studied for hours despite the fact that i was already filling dizzy. so i endured the woozy feeling and just kept reading. its like being a man on a mission and i cant stop unless ive accomplished what needs to be done. now that im too focused, im trying to distract myself.

one step closer to the edge

im an extremist. last friday, had 2 finals exams, scheduled consecutively. so it was a 1pm to 8pm exam (had skyflakes and ice coffee in between exams to keep me going). i managed to do it even if i had a sleepless night. thats the strange part, i had a sleepless night for no reason at all. just plain insomnia...and wrong timing (so i was lying in bed for for almost 6 hours staring at the ceiling, watching HIMYM from time to time since i wasnt feeling sleepy at all and a couple of attempts to study but to no avail since i was too tired). its like my bio-clock suddenly malfunctioned. maybe im really not fit for the intense studying shit. but i cant go back to being a crammer because that wont work in the bar.

and this coming monday, aside from one final exam, i have a hearing in antipolo in the morning. and again, i want to prove to myself that it can be done. the stuff im experiencing right now is really nothing compared to what reality and life has to offer in the next few years.

HIMYM

We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being. - future Ted Mosby

if youre ignorant, teach yourself.

we should never stop learning in life. if we dont know something, we should exert an effort to learn, as much as possible, on one's own. have the independence to think without reliance on external help. dependence stunts growth and self-development. or slows down progress at the very least. only kids should be taught or assisted in their self-development/self-improvement. an exception is when one is seeking higher education or mastery of a skill, then assistance is something that probably cant be dispensed with but independence of thought and reliance on one's self remains to be essential.

the problem with some people is that they are afraid to commit mistakes. they are afraid to fail. everybody commits mistakes. its acceptable as long as one does not overdo it. im a self-proclaimed self-taught thinker. i didnt believe what my highschool teachers taught me and i didnt rely on my college professors for answers (most of the time because they werent exactly useless).

i always exert an effort to enrich my knowledge on a wide range of topics. when i took up law, my primary reason was that i find the field interesting and i want to learn it. thats no longer my primary reason for continuing the hell i placed myself in but learning about it remains to be a reason.

unfortunately, there are some people who dont know the value of learning or the importance of increasing one's knowledge, be it a specific field or knowledge in general. they depend on other people for answers, for solutions. they dont think for themselves and instead use their brains for useless stuff. stuff that will never contribute a thing to the development of man or our society. well, it can contribute in a sense its something that should be avoided. i dont pity these people. i despise them but i dont blame them for their sorry state. i think all they need is therapy because there has to be something wrong with a person's state of mind if he or she has no interest in self-development or self-improvement (or not exerting any effort to pursue it). i think self-improvement and self-development is an essential part of being human. to not do anything to improve one self reduces a person into a mere mechanical being with a central processing unit that depends on external input to function. a computer is much more valuable than a person with no sense of self-improvement or development or a person with no interest in increasing one's knowledge (an exception would be that if that mechanical being has an exterior of a extremely hot and attractive female then that person has an "aesthetic value". a computer is still more useful but that person isnt exactly useless compared to other unthinking people).

why cant we close our ears the way we can close our eyes?

our world seems to be ignorant of the value of silence. i remember that i was happy to hear that there was such a thing called "noise pollution". we live in a noisy world filled with noisy people composed of noisy individuals owning and/or operating and/or using noisy products and inanimate objects. the everyday noise stresses me out to the point that i even avoid conversations just to minimize the noise im bombarded with everyday. sometimes i wish to hear the deafening sound of silence, which happens very rarely. i dont even hear it at night. in this world that never stops buzzing, all i want is half an hour of dead silence. at least. but i dont want to go deaf of course. even the library isnt as quiet as it should be.

the best things in life are illegal

but we need the law to establish some form of order. so we just have to be creative and find ways to beat the boredom without going against the law. or we can play cat and mouse and see if the supposed law enforcers can catch you.

but everyone breaks the law, even the president of the southeast asian country composed of 7000 plus islands. its just a question of what laws were broken or the gravity of the offense. and how many were hurt or affected. its like looking at how much one gains for breaking the law at the expense of those violated. thats why its illegal in the first place. it disrupts the social order and causes damage to another. it offends the senses or morals or whatever society wants to be upheld.

and why am i so serious this morning? or afternoon since its already noon. actually i wanted to write about the best things to do to beat the boredom thats illegal and then i asked myself, "is that a good idea? why put incriminating stuff in writing?" so i answered myself back, well, its not like the illegal stuff ive done is as serious as the laws broken by the high officials of the land. then i replied, "well, its illegal nonetheless and dura lex sed lex applies." dura lex sed lex. always reminds me of the condom brand. to wear rubber can be harsh but its better than knocking someone up or worse, getting infected. and im digressing. point is, im bored and my idea of having fun is at least getting piss drunk.