so my doubt is the destructive kind?

According to a facebook application, this is what God wanted to say to me today:

On this day of your life, Tristan, we believe God wants you to know... that doubt is the rust of life.

Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

Before getting God's supposed message to me, i saw and read God's message to a blockmate and this is what God had to say to her:

Gladys got a message that on this day, God wants her to know... that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.

Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt. Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root. Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.

Ok. so we both got a message about doubt. and it got me thinking how come my message about doubt is negative? why cant i have her message? her message is how i view doubt in the first place. i guess God doesnt have to say that to me. anyway, it reminded me of what my cousin told me years ago, around 2003 to be more exact. that i should establish and go to a skeptics anonymous meeting or something.

ive always liked the fact that im a skeptic. and my message is telling me its not good for me because its preventing me from being truly alive. what is being alive all about really? and that my heart knows what is best? i doubt it. why would i want to follow what my heart dictates when it might make me a slave to my own emotions? why would i want that? and why the sense of urgency? why take it right now? is it going to be too late? well, the message has a point but i doubt i will follow the message. for now at least.

Ha!

The good thing about having this stupidstitious belief about August is that it makes me more cautious than usual. like for example what just happened now. Hearing the thunder outside made me think of the possibility of power fluctuation due to a...i dont know...weather disturbance? Knowing its August, i quickly decided to save all the files im working on in my flash drive and transfer my work from the work PC to my laptop. after making the transfer, since i cant afford the work PC crashing again (since my work emails are stored there), i shut it down. less than 5 minutes from transferring the files (and i havent even started resuming my work on the laptop), the power fluctuated. Ha! im ahead of you August. if i didnt make the transfer, i would have just slapped my forehead and lost a whole day's worth of work. well, if the PC crashed, that would be a month's worth of work...and irreversible damage due to the lost files.

i guess ive improved my disaster risk management skills.

wanting more than life can offer

when was the last time i practiced an ascetic lifestyle? i look at myself now and i see no trace of what i used to be. i had a sense of discipline then. well, more of self-control. my wants and desires were fully restrained. too restrained that i felt that they didn't exist. i didnt have a longing for things (well, not as much as i do now). there's only need. now im just a materialistic person. i still operate on the basis of need but there is now a recognition that i do want things in life other than the basic necessities. ive become that person i used to prevent myself from becoming. someone who is having a difficult time controlling himself and his desires.

there's nothing wrong with wanting stuff. the problem lies with wanting more and not being contented or satisfied. im not going to say its immoral to want more than necessary but its really a problem because one will be in a perpetual state of frustration and dissatisfaction. especially when one has the tendency to be greedy. there's no such thing as enough for a greedy person. there's always something more. having it all means a never ending desire to acquire things just for the sake of acquiring it. there's no such thing as enough.

i used to aspire to live a very simple life because i know my greedy tendencies. i limit myself to the basic necessities. only go for what i need. my wants and my happiness were never my concern. i managed to get by without it. well, i had to. because i knew then that i will never be happy with something not good enough. i would rather not have what this life can offer if its not good enough. it will only disappoint me in the end. now that i think about it, its kind of weird that i denied myself things, like happiness, for the simple reason that i want more than what's available to be given or offered. so, my ascetic lifestyle was based on an "all or nothing" philosophy.

the last time i remember trying to live an ascetic lifestyle was 2003. i really should revert back to my old ways. besides, i think that lifestyle is more attuned with where im heading right now.

am i missing the obvious?

Around the last week of April or maybe around first few weeks of May, i started looking for my scapular. Why? i dont know. back then, i just felt i had to look for it. and i didnt find it. i looked for it at the places i thought it would be. it wasnt there. it was only yesterday that i saw it by accident. where was it? right in front of me. well, if i were working at my study table. it was just there, out in the open, right before my eyes, in my direct line of vision. and i looked for it inside the cabinet right behind me. so i was searching for something thats right before me all this time, and i looked for it at the wrong place, facing the wrong direction. and i finally found it at the "wrong" time. well, wrong time because i dont have that same feeling of wanting to have it as before. but why i felt or had the need to have it before, that i dont know. a scapular is said to be something that will provide protection from danger or evil spirits. well, nothing of that sort happened to me since April. but a scapular is more than that. according to wikipedia, "devotional scapulars are sacramentals, primarily worn by Roman Catholics, designed to show the wearer's pledge to a confraternity, a saint, or a way of life, as well as reminding the wearer of that promise". Now that i found my scapular again, im now considering taking seriously the "pledge" i made a few years ago, around 2006. a pledge that i made for the wrong reason. the thing about this pledge is, its going to be difficult to live a lifestyle in accordance with this pledge.

why so serious?

"Do you always have to have a purpose? Do you always have to be so damn serious? Can’t you ever do things without reason, just like everybody else? You’re so serious, so old. Everything’s important with you, everything’s great, significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. Can’t you ever be comfortable--and unimportant?" - Peter Keating

i realized that this might be the answer to the question:

"I am more comfortable tense." - Andre Clement

work

for a guy who once promised himself that he will get a job involving the great outdoors, i really suck at keeping that promise.

not that i dont like my job (actually i like it because the work im involved in is related to my college course). its just that, i never thought im going to be really ok with it. i mean, its really an indoor office work (so its not really the nature of the work. its more on the place of the work). and i dont find it loathsome. thats how i thought being in a cubicle all day long would feel.

i use two computers. the work PC and my laptop. i use both simultaneously. i multitask. i use my laptop for personal stuff and work PC for work stuff. obviously. but there are times that i use both for work stuff. so the work PC manages the emails, calendar, and some files, while the laptop manages research, drafts and some more files i didnt transfer to the work PC. and i do that while im on the phone and receiving text messages. good thing i learned to multitask this year. and i dont do that all day. because if i do that all day, my brain would have to learn how to think in four ways independently and simultaneously.

and i synchronize the two computers with my PDA. and i use the PDA to update my cellphone's contact details.

i guess what makes this office job not as bad as i once thought is the fact that...i dont know. i really dont know. i guess i just dont know myself that much. that i could like things i thought i would hate.

give and take

there's always someone there for me. i find that puzzling and a bit weird. why is it that wherever i go, there's always someone ready and willing to help. and most of them aren't expecting anything in return. why is that? in a way i do understand that its possible to help someone and not expect anything in return but for me, it makes more sense to at least get something back. im a believer of the equivalent exchange rule.

but then again, there are those who do ask for something in return. or dont ask for it but they make you feel that you are obliged to give something in return. back then, i could easily say "i never asked for your help. i didnt seek your assistance". well, back then, my attitude was "so what if i benefited? you gave it, i took it, i dont feel obliged to give anything in return. the way i see it, it was purely voluntary on your part and i passively accepted. why do i have to actively do something to return the favor i didnt ask for?". anyway, now it just feels plain wrong not to have a sense of gratitude. i benefited so its only fair to give some kind of compensation to the person who provided such benefit. this "adult" way of doing things sucks but thats how this world operates. thats being fair. thats preventing unjust enrichment. in a way, the gratitude system can be a mechanism to moderate greed, now that i think about it. can be. but not actually.

take care because i dont

for an excessively cautious person like me who tries to foresee everything and prepare for it, i can be ridiculously reckless sometimes. the annoying thing about this is that, sometimes its the reckless things that happen that matter more.

there's only one loser in this scenario

see more Fail Blog

I good you bid evening

You can do whatever you want to do with your life but one day you'll know what love truly is. Its the sour and the sweet. And i know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. - Brian Shelby

Your subconscious can always play tricks on you. the subconscious is a very powerful thing - Rebecca Dearborn


Its in his nature to fight for his existence. - Edmund Ventura

Just finished watching Vanilla Sky. I don't even know why i rented it. i just did. anyway, it reminded me of how powerful the subconscious is. and i just realized that ive been telling people that im getting some sleep or enough sleep but at the same time people are telling me that i need to sleep or whether ive had some sleep. and come to think of it, ive been taking short naps during work and i fall asleep from time to time during review classes. makes me wonder, have i really been sleeping? i think so. maybe im just really sleepy during the day lately. i dont know. i hope my subconscious isnt playing tricks on me. if it is, at least i dont have mysterious bruises or scratches when i wake up like a few years ago. those scratches puzzled me actually. but i didnt give it much thought.

i also realized that i should stop thinking of the subconscious in the traditional sense. im starting to think that my subconscious is already operating in the concious world and not restricted in some separate realm. the subconscious is really a tricky creature. because now that i take a closer look at how things are, it seems that theyve been orchestrated.

anyway, i didnt know that swallowing meant something. or its just a girl with crazy eyes theory. like the "when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not." thats like a very dangerous unwritten rule. i really should work on the RPC. but before that, i really should get some sleep.

Megan Fox PSA

Whew!

i did something idiotic earlier. i deleted my recycle bin! when i saw my recycle bin disappear from my desktop, i wondered, why the hell would there be an option to delete the recycle bin? anyway, this guy Leo and his website was very useful. im now seriously considering ditching Windows Vista.

five seconds

thats the only the time needed by august to do what it has to do.

this day started around almost noon. had lunch at pizza hut since the line at KFC was long and it was already crowded. i thought that by the time i get my order, i probably wont have a place to sit. thats why i opted to eat at pizza hut. table for one i said to the waiter. this is in taft avenue area. it took some time before i got my order. and when i got it, they gave me a one piece roast chicken that was very difficult to eat. that was probably the most difficult chicken wing ive ever had. i wished i chose kenny rogers instead. so i said to myself, no surprise there. not only am i not lucky during august, im very unlucky. little did i know that august was just warming up.

after eating my lunch, rode the LRT to go to QC. i had to get the van so i can pick up my stuff. i just had to schedule my moving out of the apartment on the first day of august. i thought i could take whatever august has in store for me. besides, i have no choice. i was busy during the last few days of july. i really had no other option. anyway, while i was walking from the LRT station towards the MRT Taft station, i was holding my left back pocket to see if my phone was there. i was walking with a moving crowd of people so i had to check my pockets from time to time. pickpockets could strike anytime. well, my phone was there. more or less five seconds later, i checked my pocket again, my phone was gone. what the? i stopped walking and checked again. my phone wasnt there. i looked around to see if there's anyone suspicious. nope. everyone was minding their own business and really looked like no one had an idea that i just lost my phone. i checked again. my phone was no where to be found.

it took me around 30 minutes before i got over it. after 30 minutes, i accepted the fact that my phone was gone and i need to buy a new one. and then start getting people's numbers and contact details. damn it.

well, august, the good thing about you is that you are always on schedule and you are one reliable bastard. a window of five seconds and one of the most important things i have disappears without a trace. i love that phone and you took it. you really are one crazy piece of shit august. so, what else you got? im going to endure 30 more of your worthless days because with the year ive been through, i have nothing to lose anymore but my non-existent chains.