i hope someday...

i can remotely access desktops and external hard disks with a laptop. i need to look into some files stored in the office PC and the office external hard disk. until i can do that...some stuff will have to remain as pending tasks.

im not a workaholic. i just dont have time to be idle.

im in tagaytay right now. while my family and relatives are thinking of how they will spend the day, having nothing to do wont be my problem for today (and for the next coming months). i slept around 1:30am last night, doing some stuff i can do after a tiring day yesterday. it wasnt much but at least i was able to do something. i woke up around 730 am today. after having breakfast, im back working on the stuff im doing. for sure, im going to drop anything im working on tonight by 11pm. will resume it tomorrow afternoon. 

crap

i have insomnia! and i have a schedule to keep. i only have a few days left before the year ends. i still have lots of stuff to do. im too tired to read more law school stuff, do some research for work and do the other stuff i need to do. besides, i cant stay up this late when classes and work start again. why the hell do i have to have this insomnia now? well, insomnia or no insomnia, i will have to stick to the schedule. i wont finish things in time if i adjust it. damn it. i hate this sleep disorder.

simple pleasure

the take over, the breaks over

a few years ago, my cousin commented that she never treated me like a baby. although she remembers me as being a hyperactive kid, she said the next thing she knew i was too "old" to be treated like a baby because i grew up too quick. so she never did treat me like one. even if she was seven years older than me, she always saw me as someone who acted more mature for my age (and she somehow made me feel that i have some ascendancy over her). she said to me more than a decade ago (after a heated argument with me) that sometimes she forgets that im just a kid and treats me as someone who should act as if im in the same age group as her. she did treat me like one. well, thats how she saw me. i dont think my other cousins see me this way. im still regarded as someone who knows a lot about nothing and has proven nothing. i havent done anything concrete that's worth recognizing.

anyway, a college blockmate also made a similar comment. that i was someone mature and she never thought i would be friends with some childish person.

i think the mistake in their perception lies in their interpretation or equating my seriousness with maturity. im simply just a very serious person. i dont loosen up. i dont relax. i dont have fun. i am an extremely inhibited being (there's only a handful of people who can make me loosen up and have seen me loosen up. and it doesnt involve getting intoxicated).

its not that i dont know how to have fun. its just i dont feel like having fun anymore. my idea of a fun party is when the night becomes a blur and i wake up having no idea how i got there or who i was with. last time that happened was way back in 2004. since 2004, the "party animal" in me slowly faded away. now, i dont like to drink beer as much as i did back in 2004 (when drinking beer was almost a weekly thing). i dont even like the taste of beer anymore (there was a time that i get teary eyed when i drink an ice cold bottle of beer after months of not being able to drink one). now, i only attend social gatherings which i think are necessary or where i have a purpose for attending because i dont have free time anymore (i attended a dinner recently and i asked the people with me if there's a purpose for the gathering. they said its just a dinner and because we havent seen each other for quite some time. my reaction was, "really? thats it?" sometimes i ask myself what the hell is wrong with me). now, i think im too old for parties. ive said no to a lot of fun activities and out of town opportunities (thats not work related) this year (well, the latter half of the year at least). i never stop thinking of the things i ought to do or accomplish. i guess with this level of seriousness, people think i act too old for my age. at 26, im really starting to think im too old to do fun stuff. im starting to think like ted mosby in Season 4 episode 19. but then again, i am 26. that is old. so maybe i am acting appropriately for my age.

the comment made by my cousin entered my head when i realized what i was doing. its the 26th of december (in a few minutes it will be the 27th) and im reading the philippine general banking law and planning the work i need to do in the next few days before the classes and work start in january. thats all i think about recently. i never thought i would be this kind of person. maybe im the one who has a wrong perception.

its 1:30 am

and im craving for chicken wings! i cant think of a place where i can get me some.

the object of my aversion

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still you don't regret a single day.

When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry;
And she promises the earth to me
And I believe her
After all this time I don't know why

She's the kind of girl who puts you down
When friends are there, you feel a fool.
When you say she's looking good
She acts as if it's understood.
She's cool

Was she told when she was young that pain
Would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn
His day of leisure?
Will she still believe it when he's dead?

thank God for K

i cant believe im going to say this but...i need more time. i need more time to do the things i need to do. a lot of people have told me to take a break but i just cant stop. im tired but i still keep working on things i need to work on. not that im always working (and when i say work, i dont only mean the stuff i do where im currently employed, it includes stuff related to law school and other stuff that i need to accomplish like responsibilities and commitments). i take breaks. but those breaks are really more of gaps between the many stuff i do. the breaks i take arent really time spent on unwinding. right now, im thinking of christmas day as a day thats getting in the way of getting things done. and the christmas break is some extra time i can use to catch up with other stuff ive neglected (but right now, im thinking, the time i have is not enough. maybe i did lose a whole year). i now have 260 unread emails and i dont even know if i will have time to sit down and read them. sleep is the only thing i look forward to at the end of the day. good food and good music prevents me from becoming irritable. other than these things, theres my sweet little distraction that gives me the energy to last another week. oh, and there's FMA, NS and HIMYM. there's also MW in facebook. 

i need to calm down, breathe slowly and then sleep. but thats hard to do when my mind just wont stop thinking. im planning of watching a movie tomorrow but at the same time im planning what productive things i can do before and after the movie to maximize my day. i just need to make sure that each day wont be a wasted on useless stuff. whatever happened to the lazy bum in me? each day, i just become more serious.

ive got the eye of thundera

wow, its already the 16th. i managed to finish another year. well, almost. i doubt the remaining days of the year will make me change my mind or change how i feel about this year. i really dont like this year. the bad things really outweigh the good things that came my way. if i take a closer look at the things that happened to me this year, the best thing that happened to me was being given a good distraction in the form of a sweet and addictive type of rice. haha. and being a distraction, its supposed to be temporary. all good things must come to an end i guess. im going to miss my sweet little distraction. the next best thing that happened is employment. in effect, by letting go of the best thing that happened to me this year, there's really nothing good that happened this year that i will carry next year (except the employment thing). im going to abandon everything about this year at the stroke of midnight come 2010. 2010 isnt looking good either. but at least im going to make sure i learn from my experiences this year.

next year is starting to take shape. i hate it when i know more than i should by seeing things ahead. i also hate it when im always right about things (or how things will be). right now, i will try to focus on the christmas break which is a time for me to get a lot of things done. seeing too far ahead is really not giving me anything good. 

bang bang shoot shoot nurse = happiness

"On this day of your life, Tristan, we believe God wants you to know ... that every moment is an opportunity for you to be happy.
    
You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, - you have a great way to respond! - you can use every opportunity, every single one, to be happy. Don't just take a shower - feel into and receive pleasure from the water on your skin. Don't just walk on the street - enjoy the fragrances of the trees and the flowers on your way. Don't just drive your car - sing karaoke to your favorite radio station."


really? i have a great way to respond? what is happiness? for some, happiness is someone. for me, its is a state of a mind. its a choice. maybe i do have a great way of responding. 

im going to be 42 by january 2010

i was planning on finally retiring from a life i used to live and enjoy (i enjoyed it to a certain extent). its been probably 5 or 6 years ago since i truly engaged in this kind of life. i found peace in this kind of life but there's no real future in it. the social set-up doesnt really favor such a life. thats why ive been thinking of finally ditching it. ive been planning lately what kind of life to live for the next few years (im leaning in favor of living a shallow and meaningless life because its simpler. ive had enough of the deep and meaningful stuff. in the end it wont really matter to anyone anyway what life i lived). and this life im referring to now isnt really something i would like to have. i may have enjoyed it before but i doubt im going to enjoy it now with the level of awareness ive achieved. its going to be a struggle to find peace again. and ive changed a lot since then so i might not be as effective and as good as before. certainly im not as sharp as before. my sense of perception isnt as keen as it used to.

well, im being called out of retirement. im flattered because despite years of being inactive, some still have faith in my abilities, with what i can do, with what i can offer and contribute. im never a disappointment to those who really believe that i can do what they expect me to do. thats why even if engaging in this kind of life was not one of the options im considering, im getting myself out of retirement just because i was asked to and i was convinced that im needed. if someone else could do it, i could have easily said "no thank you. im out of the game. im too rusty to play again". 

why am i depriving myself of rest? ive been aging too fast and now im going to age faster with the things and situations im getting myself in. and i just realized now that i need some spare time to engage in this life to do it properly. damn it. where the hell am i going to get that? well, i will just have to rely more on past experience and hope it works because aside from not having enough time, a lot of brain cells have died since then. if i fail to pull this off, its going to really convince me to retire for good.