im going to be 42 by january 2010

i was planning on finally retiring from a life i used to live and enjoy (i enjoyed it to a certain extent). its been probably 5 or 6 years ago since i truly engaged in this kind of life. i found peace in this kind of life but there's no real future in it. the social set-up doesnt really favor such a life. thats why ive been thinking of finally ditching it. ive been planning lately what kind of life to live for the next few years (im leaning in favor of living a shallow and meaningless life because its simpler. ive had enough of the deep and meaningful stuff. in the end it wont really matter to anyone anyway what life i lived). and this life im referring to now isnt really something i would like to have. i may have enjoyed it before but i doubt im going to enjoy it now with the level of awareness ive achieved. its going to be a struggle to find peace again. and ive changed a lot since then so i might not be as effective and as good as before. certainly im not as sharp as before. my sense of perception isnt as keen as it used to.

well, im being called out of retirement. im flattered because despite years of being inactive, some still have faith in my abilities, with what i can do, with what i can offer and contribute. im never a disappointment to those who really believe that i can do what they expect me to do. thats why even if engaging in this kind of life was not one of the options im considering, im getting myself out of retirement just because i was asked to and i was convinced that im needed. if someone else could do it, i could have easily said "no thank you. im out of the game. im too rusty to play again". 

why am i depriving myself of rest? ive been aging too fast and now im going to age faster with the things and situations im getting myself in. and i just realized now that i need some spare time to engage in this life to do it properly. damn it. where the hell am i going to get that? well, i will just have to rely more on past experience and hope it works because aside from not having enough time, a lot of brain cells have died since then. if i fail to pull this off, its going to really convince me to retire for good.