one of the things i dont like on facebook

one of the things i really hate is an opinion that reeks of incompetence. wait...not incompetence but something quite like it. its an opinion that looks intelligent but its really not. in theory its plausible but in reality, its just downright stupid.

i read a status message on facebook yesterday. its an opinion of someone i dont know but upon checking his or her profile information, he or she is a member of the academe from a good educational institution. thats what really surprised me. i find it appalling that a person with such an educational background would make such an opinion. at first glance it seems like a good opinion but upon closer scrutiny, its really devoid of any basis (except that its reasonable. but that wont do anything to make an opinion increase its worth except to make it appear coherent). it was like a comment uttered when one's emotions are high. or a statement that was recklessly given. if that was the case...well, given his or her educational background...its still unacceptable. a political science major...or someone who takes political science seriously, would have doubts and try to verify the truthfulness of such statements (so this means the comment was a political one or at least involves politics). or at least make sure that its realistic enough (or based on existing circumstances, taking into account the various surrounding factors). i know its vague to discuss the opinion like this but im not the type that openly attacks other people's opinion. well, not yet. i have a self-imposed gag order and im just waiting for that period to expire. once that period expires, i would still have to assess if im capable of controlling my sharp tongue (whether i can limit my comments to what are necessary and not go overboard). if not, then i will have to assess whether i can risk voicing out my opinion (there's a lot of things i really want to say and no one will like it. i could end up like the person im criticizing right now. dishing out opinions that are worthless. sometimes, its really better to just shut up). the gag order period is meant to gain experience and adjust to the new environment im in. as usual, i do things systematically and treat myself as some sort of clinical subject for some research. sure it sucks the fun out of everything but well, im an addict for self-improvement through self-control.

anyway, everyone's entitled to their opinion but i just find it hard to accept opinions that are just so stupid (its as annoying as people who miss the goddamn point. give them hints and clues, and they just keep missing it. sometimes i wonder if im really the slow one as some of my friends suggest. or maybe my hints are too complicated to decipher?). i also hate it when they think they're absolutely right or their opinion is really as good as they think it is. sometimes i wonder if im this kind of person. but i dont think so. sure, im arrogant and stubborn so i might appear as someone who thinks my opinions are absolutely good but being the skeptic that i am, im also the first one who would attack my own opinions and try to contradict it with an opinion that would overturn it.

loose bolt on a leash

last weekend, i had a discussion with a friend where she said that i like things done the way i want them with no deviations. if this is how i want it, i really mean this is how i want it. she made that comment after i pointed out that i have a plan that i need to follow.

i admit, i am serious and rigid when it comes to some things (actually, i think its most things now), especially matters that involve my future. i need to have a plan. i need to be prepared for everything. i wouldnt say thats how i naturally am because i wasnt like this before. before, i just do things mindlessly (and it was fun). therein lies the problem. i cant do that anymore. or i must not do that anymore.

having plans serve as my leash. it gives me control over myself. not full control but enough control to make sure i dont do stupid things 90% of the time (or so i would like to think). i need to restrain myself because my uninhibited self is really crazy and out of control. cant let myself run loose and go wild. some might say im paranoid but if people can just see what kind of thoughts run in my head, they would agree that i need restraint. i need to make sure i dont act on those thoughts. having a plan that i must strictly follow somehow gives me some peace of mind that im putting myself away from regrettable mistakes. during the bar review, my self-restraint diminished over time and midway through the review, i did something idiotic. so idiotic that i still cant forgive myself for allowing myself to do such a thing (i didnt follow my curse of foresight simply because my self-restraint was too weak to stop myself). ive got enough mistakes and problems ive done in the past. i cant let that list grow any longer. im still not done paying the price for those shit. given the grave mistakes and regrets ive done, the only way i can sleep at night is through my persona that doesnt care about anything at all. and this persona needs to be restrained too since obviously, if allowed to run loose, the least it can do is injure random people with every fit of rage (found out that im still a rageaholic. luckily, im alone in my room when i realized that, so no repeats of the injuries ive inflicted on others back when i was a high school student)

the only way i can relax is when im with someone who can control me. someone that i recognize as having some form of ascendancy over me. someone who can serve as my "cage". i can have more space roaming inside a cage than wearing a stupid leash. usually, a hot chick can control me but thats only temporary. its only a matter of time before i snap out of her hypnotic effect. so the "cage" isnt strong enough. there are only two people who are candidates that could serve as my "cage" (one has the status of "whereabouts unknown". the other is filed under the status "out of coverage area". there's a third one but her will isnt strong enough to really restrain me. thats why i decided to "discard" her. thats the only thing lacking with her. a strong will. if not for that, she would have been perfect, beyond the two current candidates. there could have been a fourth one but she went away before i could test if she's good enough).  unfortunately for me, they're not interested.  so i will have to settle with wearing a leash. i doubt another "cage" will come along. its rare to find a girl that i cant avoid following even if im fully aware im being controlled. actually, i even ask them to control me. thats why i havent found someone who is willing to put up with restraining me and make sure i behave.

right now, im starting to become reckless. my decisions are faulty and my reasoning doubtful. i need to have a more concrete plan in order to make sure i pull myself away from things i know will harm me in the future. so enough with the distractions. i need to address this problem head on. i guess, its time to wear a stronger leash.

a song dedicated to the ultimate problem solver

nine days

its been nine days since i passed the 2010 bar exams.

the waiting period was torture (the period from the day after the last bar exam until the day the exam results were released). no exaggeration whatsoever. i dont think other people would understand what we went through. im not saying the feeling is exclusive to bar examinees because its not. what im trying to say is that its a feeling that cant be imagined by just anyone. working hard for years and knowing that one's career, one's future depends on that one exam. to fail it means to lose another year...at least. its also demoralizing for some. it also doesnt follow that taking it again would make the exam easier. the level of difficulty of the bar exam varies every year. passing it is a very big deal, especially for those who truly want to become lawyers. 

taking the exam itself is also another torture. its draining mentally and physically. until now, my left hand hurts when i use it to write something down. i cant grip a pen in a certain way because it would send a sharp pain that radiates up to my left arm. thats how much effort it is to write down those answers. well, for me its an effort because im not the type who writes stuff down. i almost never take down notes during class. back in college, i always buy a new notebook but i rarely use more than 1/6 each semester. i managed to finish law school with only one notebook and i wasnt even able to use half of it. im really not a pen and paper guy. ever since i learned how to use a computer, i shifted to the electronic way of writing.

well, march 17 came. the day the results were to be released. two days prior, i got out of the office early and decided to drop by the nearby KFC to check the new Twister. while in line, i received a text message from a friend saying that the results were going to be released by the end of the week, either thursday or friday. after reading that message, fear just consumed me then and there. i wanted to sit down for a while but it was already my turn at the counter. fortunately, i already knew what i was going to order so i just had to switch to autopilot mode. i knew the routinary questions asked at the counter and i had my routinary answers, nods and polite smile for every rejected suggestion. when the transaction finished, i went to the nearest vacant seat i can find and just let the message sink in. part of me was also trying to "enjoy" the feeling since i rarely feel nervous. my palms were already sweaty when i managed to send a reply. by the time i got home, i tried to forget about the news because i really didnt want to think about it but it was impossible. its on the online news and people were also informing me about it.

thursday came. i tried to do the things i normally do on a thursday. so i went to work. my officemate was surprised that i came to work that day. she said most people would be somewhere else. well, im not most people. but i have to admit, my mind kept zoning out because as every minute passed, i got more worried so as some form of defense, my mind shuts down from time to time. by lunchtime, i was staring blankly into space. my officemates were already telling me to go home and sleep. but i just went to my office room, sat there and tried to distract myself with whatever online stuff i can find. by 4pm, i received a phone call from my cousin telling me its time to go to the launching of the worker's foundation. so i left the office, dropped by my cousin's house and then went to UP for the event. it was during this event that i learned that i passed. while seated inside the function hall, i received a phone call from a friend (the same friend that texted me two days earlier). he was the first one to inform me about it. i was happy of course. i couldnt believe it at first because i really felt my chances of passing was 50%. sure i was confident during and right after the bar exams but as months passed, my level of confidence diminished so by the time March came, i was so unsure on how things will be. i was happy for a few minutes. after that, i just felt relieved. i can finally move forward.

adorable kid leader

video made by ferrerorocher09

time stopped today

well, my wristwatch stopped today. it stopped at exactly 9:25am (which was really 9:05 a.m. because its always 20 minutes ahead of "internet time"), not a second earlier, not a second later. i found out it stopped a few minutes before noon. and i remember the last time i checked it before it stopped. it was 9:05 a.m. (8:45am in "internet time")

im very mindful of time. i remember back in high school i told my friends i have a very good sense of time. to prove it, i said that i can tell them what time it is after a few minutes by just looking at a watch or clock just once (just to make a reference and serve as my starting point in calculating how much time has expired since i last looked at the clock). so i looked at the watch to find out what time it is and then we started having our normal conversation. then after a few minutes, one of them will disrupt the conversation and ask what time it is on the watch and i would quickly say the time correctly (i dont compute it in my head, i was just simply aware of how many minutes have transpired since the last time i looked at the watch). they did this for almost an hour, asking in different random intervals while we were talking about other stuff. and i said the time correctly in all instances. its not much of a feat but back then, i was happy to know that i have a good grasp of how much time has gone by even if i dont really focus on the time. its like im fully aware of how many seconds have passed or how many minutes have expired without giving it much thought. i cant do that now. when i start guessing the time, im usually off by five minutes. it just shows how much my sense of time has deteriorated over the years.

going back to my wrist watch, it was my graduation present when i finished high school. so its more than a decade old and this would be the third time i will replace its battery. the original battery lasted for more than half a decade. the second battery, the one that just ran out of juice today, took only three years. now im thinking if im going to get an original battery or just another cheap one. if im going to get an original battery, might as well have its scratched surface fixed. i remember where i scratched it. it was at the stairs of Ateneo SEC 1 back in 2001 (cant remember the month though). i remember how pissed i was because the scratch is really obvious. and im the type of guy who likes watches and clocks (aside from knives and gadgets). i try not to look at wrist watch stores so i can stay loyal to my wrist watch and not be tempted to replace it. ive been wearing a wrist watch ever since i was in grade school and i always broke it because i was a very active kid back then. my current wrist watch is the only watch that lasted this long and was able to keep up with me. and im a very demanding person so it means this watch has been through a lot. there was a time when i didnt take it off even when i go to sleep (its not until a person im sleeping with complained that i should not wear my watch while in bed). i dont take it off when i go to the beach (its water resistant up to 50 meters anyway and i have no plans of going that deep. people always tell me that i still have my watch on when im about to hit the water and i just reply that its ok).

anyway, since i wont be able to get a new battery anytime soon, my cellphones and laptop will have to fill that void until then.