nine days

its been nine days since i passed the 2010 bar exams.

the waiting period was torture (the period from the day after the last bar exam until the day the exam results were released). no exaggeration whatsoever. i dont think other people would understand what we went through. im not saying the feeling is exclusive to bar examinees because its not. what im trying to say is that its a feeling that cant be imagined by just anyone. working hard for years and knowing that one's career, one's future depends on that one exam. to fail it means to lose another year...at least. its also demoralizing for some. it also doesnt follow that taking it again would make the exam easier. the level of difficulty of the bar exam varies every year. passing it is a very big deal, especially for those who truly want to become lawyers. 

taking the exam itself is also another torture. its draining mentally and physically. until now, my left hand hurts when i use it to write something down. i cant grip a pen in a certain way because it would send a sharp pain that radiates up to my left arm. thats how much effort it is to write down those answers. well, for me its an effort because im not the type who writes stuff down. i almost never take down notes during class. back in college, i always buy a new notebook but i rarely use more than 1/6 each semester. i managed to finish law school with only one notebook and i wasnt even able to use half of it. im really not a pen and paper guy. ever since i learned how to use a computer, i shifted to the electronic way of writing.

well, march 17 came. the day the results were to be released. two days prior, i got out of the office early and decided to drop by the nearby KFC to check the new Twister. while in line, i received a text message from a friend saying that the results were going to be released by the end of the week, either thursday or friday. after reading that message, fear just consumed me then and there. i wanted to sit down for a while but it was already my turn at the counter. fortunately, i already knew what i was going to order so i just had to switch to autopilot mode. i knew the routinary questions asked at the counter and i had my routinary answers, nods and polite smile for every rejected suggestion. when the transaction finished, i went to the nearest vacant seat i can find and just let the message sink in. part of me was also trying to "enjoy" the feeling since i rarely feel nervous. my palms were already sweaty when i managed to send a reply. by the time i got home, i tried to forget about the news because i really didnt want to think about it but it was impossible. its on the online news and people were also informing me about it.

thursday came. i tried to do the things i normally do on a thursday. so i went to work. my officemate was surprised that i came to work that day. she said most people would be somewhere else. well, im not most people. but i have to admit, my mind kept zoning out because as every minute passed, i got more worried so as some form of defense, my mind shuts down from time to time. by lunchtime, i was staring blankly into space. my officemates were already telling me to go home and sleep. but i just went to my office room, sat there and tried to distract myself with whatever online stuff i can find. by 4pm, i received a phone call from my cousin telling me its time to go to the launching of the worker's foundation. so i left the office, dropped by my cousin's house and then went to UP for the event. it was during this event that i learned that i passed. while seated inside the function hall, i received a phone call from a friend (the same friend that texted me two days earlier). he was the first one to inform me about it. i was happy of course. i couldnt believe it at first because i really felt my chances of passing was 50%. sure i was confident during and right after the bar exams but as months passed, my level of confidence diminished so by the time March came, i was so unsure on how things will be. i was happy for a few minutes. after that, i just felt relieved. i can finally move forward.