last weekend, i had a discussion with a friend where she said that i like things done the way i want them with no deviations. if this is how i want it, i really mean this is how i want it. she made that comment after i pointed out that i have a plan that i need to follow.
i admit, i am serious and rigid when it comes to some things (actually, i think its most things now), especially matters that involve my future. i need to have a plan. i need to be prepared for everything. i wouldnt say thats how i naturally am because i wasnt like this before. before, i just do things mindlessly (and it was fun). therein lies the problem. i cant do that anymore. or i must not do that anymore.
having plans serve as my leash. it gives me control over myself. not full control but enough control to make sure i dont do stupid things 90% of the time (or so i would like to think). i need to restrain myself because my uninhibited self is really crazy and out of control. cant let myself run loose and go wild. some might say im paranoid but if people can just see what kind of thoughts run in my head, they would agree that i need restraint. i need to make sure i dont act on those thoughts. having a plan that i must strictly follow somehow gives me some peace of mind that im putting myself away from regrettable mistakes. during the bar review, my self-restraint diminished over time and midway through the review, i did something idiotic. so idiotic that i still cant forgive myself for allowing myself to do such a thing (i didnt follow my curse of foresight simply because my self-restraint was too weak to stop myself). ive got enough mistakes and problems ive done in the past. i cant let that list grow any longer. im still not done paying the price for those shit. given the grave mistakes and regrets ive done, the only way i can sleep at night is through my persona that doesnt care about anything at all. and this persona needs to be restrained too since obviously, if allowed to run loose, the least it can do is injure random people with every fit of rage (found out that im still a rageaholic. luckily, im alone in my room when i realized that, so no repeats of the injuries ive inflicted on others back when i was a high school student)
the only way i can relax is when im with someone who can control me. someone that i recognize as having some form of ascendancy over me. someone who can serve as my "cage". i can have more space roaming inside a cage than wearing a stupid leash. usually, a hot chick can control me but thats only temporary. its only a matter of time before i snap out of her hypnotic effect. so the "cage" isnt strong enough. there are only two people who are candidates that could serve as my "cage" (one has the status of "whereabouts unknown". the other is filed under the status "out of coverage area". there's a third one but her will isnt strong enough to really restrain me. thats why i decided to "discard" her. thats the only thing lacking with her. a strong will. if not for that, she would have been perfect, beyond the two current candidates. there could have been a fourth one but she went away before i could test if she's good enough). unfortunately for me, they're not interested. so i will have to settle with wearing a leash. i doubt another "cage" will come along. its rare to find a girl that i cant avoid following even if im fully aware im being controlled. actually, i even ask them to control me. thats why i havent found someone who is willing to put up with restraining me and make sure i behave.
right now, im starting to become reckless. my decisions are faulty and my reasoning doubtful. i need to have a more concrete plan in order to make sure i pull myself away from things i know will harm me in the future. so enough with the distractions. i need to address this problem head on. i guess, its time to wear a stronger leash.
No comments:
Post a Comment