if i were to look back at this point in time of my life, i would say...im being annoyingly laid back. while everyone else is making progress with their lives, im just trying to do things one day at a time with no worries (or i try not to worry). sure i have plans and ive thought about my future but right now, those plans just give an illusion im heading somewhere. im not really executing it. the plan is just there for me to follow but im not really using it as efficiently and effectively as i should. its like looking at a map without really reading it. i guess its a crammer's curse. i need time to start running out before i start to really move or act. and i need a couple of things going wrong before my brain starts to warm up and be useful. i guess im that type of creature that evolves abruptly due to extreme conditions. until that extreme condition manifest itself, i wont evolve into anything.
im not happy with the way im living right now. im starting to become impatient and annoyed with the way im handling things. its frustrating to know that i can do much more yet i dont do it simply because i dont see the need for it. i dont want to burden myself with stuff. as long as im accomplishing things, there's no reason to aim higher. i dont complicate my life unnecessarily. this sounds good actually because i avoid a stressful life but sometimes a stressful life is worth having to improve one's self. im at this age where i can accomplish a lot of things. im squandering opportunities by being laid back. i wont be able to do as much once i get older or if i start having some serious illness.
im tempted to start smoking again just to shake things a bit. there's just something about the way a stick of cigarette affects my mood and thought process. its like it clogs certain portions of my brain and allows something else to emerge. or its simply the nicotine. crap. if not for the pain it brings to my lungs, i wouldnt have quit. stupid lungs.
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