the weather must be insanely horrible by 2022

during my job interview yesterday i was asked where i see myself 10 years from now. i answered that i would still be lawyering in a law office. now that i think about it, i really dont see myself doing anything else except practicing in a law office. when i decided to finish my law studies, i acknowledged that this is a profession i will be in for the rest of my life and i will most likely practice it in a law office.

when i was 14, i was asked where i see myself by the age of 24. i said that i see myself parking my own car, in my own house, built on my own lot, greeted by pets upon entry in such house. im 28 and i dont have my own car, i dont own a house and lot and ive lost all my pets. the only thing i got right was that im single.

anyway, ten years is a long time. but at this age, things are less uncertain. when i was 14, i was still in high school and no idea which college i will end up. im not even sure what kind of job i will have (but with a good brain i thought im bound to get a job with a nice salary). my 14 year old self was absolutely clueless that he will become a lawyer. now at this age, things are more predictable. sure there's the uncertainty but choices are now more limited compared to the teenage years. responsibilities and obligations are just some of those restrictions. its easier to see things 10 years from now. the sense of maturity one's expected to have gained at this age somehow contributes in providing a clearer path and stronger determination in walking such path. its easier to plan life at this point in time.

so 10 years from now, i think i will still be in practice in a law office. im not interested in going into politics. even if i win the lottery, i will still practice law. i have no ambition to become a member of the judiciary. death is the only thing that would stop me from going into the future. and ive been taunting death in my mind for years and it still hasnt come (i prohibit myself from doing overt acts because that constitutes suicide and its against my belief). life on the other hand would be the only thing that could make me change my course or my plan for the future. at the moment, i doubt it. lately, i have full control of life.

this post is halfway to nowhere

i stopped being grade-conscious back in high school. i think during junior year. i just lost interest in academic excellence. i carried this attitude until i finished law school, i.e. until the end of my school days.

now i somehow regret it. but not completely. sure it makes things difficult in getting into a good workplace but i really dont want to be judged based on my grades (but i admit, its one of the best ways in evaluating the intellectual capability of a person). besides, i come from top schools in this country. even if i have bad grades, im still more privileged compared to most of the members of the labor force. thats still something i should be very thankful for.

as one friend puts it, we belong to the bottom of the barrel. but now that i think about it, we may be at the bottom of the barrel but we belong to the barrel placed at the top of the stack of barrels. looking at the big picture, its not bad as it seems. i may be in last place but im last among the cream of the crop (but still, it means that among those at the top of the "pyramid", im the least capable).

its a difficult situation to be in. its like the jason segel predicament. if i remember correctly, jason segel had difficulties landing roles because he's not ugly to be cast in funny roles and he's not handsome to be some leading actor. thats why he was told by a good friend of his to create roles for himself since he doesnt fit in the typical stereotype roles.

placing last (or near last) among the best means i give the impression im not good enough to keep up with the best but at the same time, i cant drop to the lower level because i might not really belong to such classification (ive tried and its really a different world). so i guess i will have to find my own niche since its difficult to belong in the usual classifications. but then again, my lazy self is just telling me this so i wont have to try harder. how did i end up with an empowered lazy self? oh right, its because i stopped caring about grades and started to have a weak sense of discipline. but not because im lazy doesnt mean im not capable or im not good enough. thats my lazy self talking again. and i just yawned. my lazy self is forcing me to stop rationalizing and go to sleep.

im disappointed with myself

just had a job interview a few hours ago. more than half a decade later, im still selling myself short. the interviewers kept asking me to convince them why im worth hiring. as usual, im not that convinced i should be hired. a part of me really wants it but my lazy half doesnt. i mean, im giving up my freedom to a certain extent when i join such a law firm. but in exchange for that freedom is the exposure and experience i need to become a good lawyer. it also appears to be a nice law firm which i wont regret being a part of.

i dont know. im the type who only shows his worth after someone takes a chance on me. i find it difficult to tell people in words how good i am. thats why im always told that i sell myself short. a lawschool blockmate even said that i seem to lack faith in myself (when i was surprised how well i did in a particular exam). not really. i just like to put myself down so i would push myself harder. the thing is, im the kind of guy who makes sure im worth the risk if anyone does take a chance on me. so if by some stroke of luck (this worries me because luck is something im also good at) i get hired in the law firm i just went to earlier, im going to make sure they wont regret such a decision. thats what im good at. proving im worth it after one takes a chance on me. i rarely, if not never, show my worth before one takes the risk.

in any case, my sagittarian optimism tells me its a win-win situation. if i get hired in such law firm, im bound to become a better lawyer and be challenged intellectually. if i dont get hired, i get to keep my freedom and see where it will take me. but my non-lazy self is telling me its about time to ditch the laid back lifestyle and do something challenging.

i was wrong. i do have something that i should get rid of this year

i should be working on two pleadings right now but i managed to convince myself to wake up very early tomorrow (even if i know im just fooling myself because i love sleep more than anything else). aside from writing the blog entries below which are products of procrastination, i also spent a lot of time on tumblr and even went out to get a doughnut.

the interesting thing about the doughnut incident was it started on tumblr. i was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard until i chanced upon a post about a guy saying what to do when one gets the last piece of doughnut. after reblogging it, i said, i think im going to get myself a doughnut. so i quickly changed into some outdoor clothes, put on my pair of running shoes and off i went to walk to dunkin donuts matalino to buy one piece of doughnut. after finishing my doughnut, i decided to buy a cup of coffee at mcdonalds to motivate me to work. when i got back home with my cup of coffee, i went back to tumblr and half an hour later, after finishing my coffee, i was reading documents for the pleadings i will be doing. two hours later, after making a very rough draft, i managed to convince myself to just do it tomorrow. wow. these pleadings are due on tuesday and wednesday and i have a hearing on tuesday. im really good at convincing myself that i have time to finish it. i even argue that i can opt not to sleep and pull an all nighter (even if i know thats a blatant lie since i rarely give up sleep), the power of procrastination is just remarkable. i mean, im still procrastinating right now.

now im talking like a girl. a spoiled and fussy one to be more specific.

i mentioned in my post below that i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she said she wanted to know my scent. im sensitive when it comes to my scent. the reason for it is because i have poor sense of smell. i have no good way of knowing whether i smell good or not. thats why i get paranoid about it because of the uncertainty.

ive received compliments that i smell good. all of them from girls (now that i think about it, i wouldnt know how to react if a guy said it. maybe "umm...thanks? i guess"). but even if i do receive positive comments about my scent doesnt mean i smell nice all the time (although a girl ive dated said that i always smell nice whenever she sees me but well, im still not convinced). also, they always compliment me on the perfume i wear. now, ive been using this perfume since college or around 2001. and ive been using it until it went out of stock months ago. i think its no longer in production since in the ten years ive been buying it, its never been out of stock for this long. as usual, i have a secondary perfume that i can resort to whenever the primary perfume i use runs out but its really not my type and its really meant to be just a reserve (the reason its my reserve is because, like my primary perfume, i rarely smell it on someone else but unlike my primary perfume, i dont like it that much. its just good enough). so im hoping im wrong on my hunch that my primary perfume is no longer in production or i will have to look for a new one (i would like to go back to the perfume i used when i was in sixth grade but i just found its not available here in the philippines. crap!!! and its the scent i like next to the one that ive been using for ten years. i dont know if im just really picky or very unfortunate).

anyway, the reason i thought of writing this post is because this somehow explains why im afraid of hugs. its common knowledge that i dont like to be hugged (except to some relatives who barely know me). my "fear" of being hugged is separate and distinct from my "fear" of being touched. thats a separate issue. anyway, whenever someone tries to hug me, i always say im sweaty, which is true. i sweat a lot because of the very warm weather we have. with my recent weight gain, i feel the weather got a lot warmer. so its not really because i dont like people to hug me but im afraid of allowing them to get too close to actually get a good whiff of my body. thats how sensitive i am about it. thats why i dont hug back either because just being hugged already makes me very uncomfortable due to my paranoia and sensitivity on how i smell. even if no one has reacted adversely, i still cant get rid of the thought that i dont smell good. thats why whenever i sweat a lot, i secretly check from time to time how i smell, which is silly because i have a poor sense of smell. checking it seems like a mere gesture on my part to reassure me a bit because i dont smell anything.

if my talkative self comes back, i'll be telling this kind of long, boring, pointless stories instead of just writing it

ive been thinking of "retiring" my mudflap girl cap for months. my plan was to replace it with a white on black yankees new era 39thirty cap. unfortunately, i only keep seeing 59fifty ones. so i decided to look for an alternative cap. i actually saw a design i liked last month at Levis Gateway. it was on display along with the mannequins. i decided to take a closer look at it so i actually went to the window display and took it without asking for assistance from the salespeople (so i was stretching my arm trying to reach it from behind the mannequin). i managed to get it and i saw it was a bit dirty so i asked if they have another one in stock. the salesperson said thats the only one left. my siblings were with me and they said its a bit of a hassle to buy it since i have to wash it first before i can use it (its that dirty. its probably been on display for quite some time already). so i decided to look for it in other Levis stores. but i noticed that when i was about to leave, the salesperson didnt return the cap to the window display (i thought they might have taken my siblings' comments seriously that they are putting on display dirty items).

so i continued looking for it in their other stores while i was doing my xmas shopping and the salespeople consistently told me the following:

• the items they have on display are the ones they have (so if i dont see it, they dont have it)
• every store only gets two pieces of each cap design. so if they sell two caps of the same design, then its officially sold out for that particular store (so all their cap designs are limited edition?)

i actually went to these different stores twice (except the one at Gateway) just to make sure i didnt miss it when i first checked or the salespeople were wrong in thinking they dont have it. well, no luck in all instances.

surprisingly, while i was in tabaco city, albay, specifically at the bus terminal waiting for the bus on a saturday (and i did have laundry on my back, in my bag), a man went to the ticket booth near me and he was wearing the goddamn cap ive been looking for at the Levis stores! i thought "seriously? first i keep seeing the yankees cap i want and i cant find where i can buy it and now, the levis cap is doing the same thing too?". if what the salespeople told me were true, then even if Levis has a hundred stores nationwide, if they only sell two of each design, the chances of seeing someone wearing the design i want is small. i was really tempted to ask the man if i can buy his cap but i scared myself that i dont know where that cap has been or how much stranger sweat it has absorbed (thats why i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she actually placed my cap on her nose and took a whiff. i quickly grabbed it back. sure i wash it but still, you just dont grab someone else's cap and smell it. the same way one shouldnt share earphones).

anyway, i remembered the cap incident in bicol a week later, or yesterday to be more specific. after buying groceries, i decided to drop by at Levis Gateway to see if they managed to sell the cap i took from their display window without permission. even if im supposed to be in a "financial recovery period" (due to the xmas shopping expenses), i said to myself that if the cap is still there, dirty or not, im going to buy it. summer is just around the corner and i need a new cap. the one im using has reached its limit. its still usable but it can no longer hide the visible signs of wear and tear. its time for it to retire like the other caps that preceded it.

finally, i was standing in front of the store and obviously, the cap isnt on display. the concept of the window display has also changed. i scanned the store and there were no caps in sight. at first. then i saw it. the caps were displayed behind the cashier counter. again, without asking for assistance or permission, i went behind the cashier counter and started checking the caps. in the middle of the pile was the cap i saw weeks earlier. and they washed it! when i turned, the saleslady/cashier was behind me and i immediately bought it (we had to exchange places because i was standing where she, the cashier, was supposed to be).

im really picky when it comes to caps. its like picking a bag. i can take months looking for the design i like. i dont know, i just really like this one and its a good alternative to the yankees cap which i vow i will get this year.

the ones on the right are the caps that have served me well (and officially retired). the eccentric cap (college), natural life cap (law school), mudflap girl cap (law school to present). the simple looking cap at the back was a secondary cap (in case i cant use the existing primary cap).

next up...motormouth

its official. freddie loose lips is back. he's going to sink ships if i dont restrain him. well, not sure about the declaration that its official but he is back. not that he completely went away but i used to be good in keeping my mouth shut. now, i just speak before i think. the stuff i say really gets on people's nerve (i have the ability to utter words that can make a group of people stop whatever theyre doing, pause for a few seconds and look at me with facial expressions saying "WTF?!" or "how could you say such a thing?"). well, what do people expect from a naturally cruel guy? well, i appear to be cruel because people prefer to live in a sugarcoated world (i missed delivering my harsh one-liners).

anyway, i end up backing down from senseless arguments because i started it anyway. of course i mean no harm but sometimes a mere statement of fact can be offensive and can be considered as a mere opinion (like the color of a girl's dress. i see it as pink but the other person says its closer to orange. there's nothing offensive in this example but this example was meant to show that a mere statement of fact actually led to a half an hour argument due to differing perceptions. now that i think about it, the problem could be attributable to the TV's color settings).

so far, i havent let out any important secrets or any confidential information. now, i have to exert more effort in keeping em sealed in my brain and never allow it to even reach the tip of my tongue.

its in our nature to be resilient

so should the chief justice resign? he should not. i just read a comment that if this impeachment scenario happened in a particular country, the public official would have resigned because it is unbearable in the culture of the particular country to deal with a tarnished reputation. in our case, doing otherwise reflects a lack of delicadeza or greed for power. but is it really? this statement applies if the public official is indeed guilty. what if he or she is not? if one is innocent or not guilty of the accusations hurled against him or her, why would he or she give up his or her public position? the same way that if an innocent person is convicted by a court of justice, he or she must not stop fighthing for his or her freedom until all the legal remedies run out.

actually, i have a client that is somewhat under this kind of situation. i dont know if the client is innocent (i got this case when its already at the Supreme Court level) but he (or she) never won in any court (from the lower court to appellate courts) and recently lost in his (or her) motion for reconsideration before the Supreme Court. now, as a defense lawyer, i should give the client the best (or ideal) legal service i could possibly give. im not in the position to judge him (or her) if he (or she) committed the alleged crime or not. i should always operate under the notion that he (or she) is innocent (the presumption applies until proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt). but he (or she) has been proven guilty by the lower courts! well, courts can commit errors. that is why there are remedies like appeal. now, its the Supreme Court that has ruled my client is guilty. even if he (or she) is indeed is innocent, there isnt much i can do. but at least he (or she) fought until the very end. isnt this more admirable than just accepting the conviction right from the beginning? well, this applies if the person is indeed innocent. to detain an innocent person is certainly unjust but unfortunately, it happens.

now, in the case of CJ Corona, if he is not guilty of the accussations thrown against him, the better thing to do is not resign. if i were in his position, why would i give up something when i didnt do anything wrong? can you blame the CJ if filipino resilience runs through his veins? tarnish his reputation all you want but if he firmly believes he did not do anything wrong, he should never give up his post. resignation in some cases is like suicide.

besides, i think its about time our country has a complete impeachment trial. the previous ones keep getting aborted.

some old news

i managed to complete the nine day night mass last month. that would be two years in a row. but unlike in 2010 where i was able to attend all the 430 am masses, last year, i was late for one of the 430 am mass and attended one 6am mass (failed to wake up earlier). but still, i was able to complete the nine day series of masses.

the thing that annoyed me during the night mass was the rowdy kids. i dont have an idea why they attend the night mass in the first place when they dont even listen. they just talk with each other and laugh. at least i try to listen even if i fall asleep in some parts of the mass (that made me wonder, how did i manage to endure the 2010 masses? i dont recall getting very sleepy when i attended the 2010 night mass). 

as the days went by, attending the night mass was getting more difficult. its really hard to wake up since i didnt sleep earlier (there's simply a lot of stuff to do during the holiday season). for a person who loves to sleep, waking up at 4am is really ridiculous and irritating. but i managed to just keep attending it until i finished all nine days.

the reason im blogging about the night mass is because i remembered how much hate i have in me. now that im loosening up gradually, its becoming clearer that i never got rid of the hatred within me. i merely suppressed it and managed to bottle it up nicely.  just thinking about it reminds me of the amount of hatred i have when i was in high school (a friend described me as "ang taong galit sa mundo sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos").

the night masses brings that hatred out of me. sort of. during the night masses, my mind just becomes filled with hatred. hateful thoughts swim in my head as the priest conducts his mass. not that its directed at anyone attending the mass but its just hate running around my mind. how nice it would be to do this and that. destructive things, hateful things, horrible thoughts, etc. well, its hard to restrain my mind at 430 am in the morning. yet despite being filled with hate, a part of me can still peacefully listen to the priest and calmly hear mass. its like floating in a turbulent sea of hatred and looking at a serene sky. like i can let my hatred run loose in my mind and not worry about it turning into real physical action because the four walls of the church can serve as some sort of sanctuary in lieu of the mental restraints i place to control it. the night masses made me realize that the evil that i allowed to grow in the past still resides within me yet i need not fear it as long as i know how to keep things in control.

well, now that im still in the process of loosening up, i just hope i dont lose control. at the moment, im having difficulties shutting my mouth and preventing myself from making unintentional hurtful and insensitive comments. my sagittarian inability to sugarcoat the stuff i say is back. damn it. its like i never learned to be polite.

challenge accepted

2012 has finally arrived. so do i have a new year's resolution? nope. dont have one. i pretty much started what can be considered as resolutions months ago. even the much avoided and abhorred exercise. i do it in the form of walks and jogging. so far ive managed to sustain the afternoon walk/jog and the only time i fail to do it is when im prevented by work, weather and illness. im surprisingly serious of making it a habit to exercise that when i was prevented by the weather from going out, i contemplated signing up for a gym membership to compensate for the exercise days lost due to bad weather.




who would have thought that the person who said "the only way im going to actually exercise regularly is if a young or middle-aged woman who can be aptly described as an athletic hottie gives me a very good reason to do it. not even a doctor can convince me to exercise even if my life depended on it. unless the doctor is some incredibly attractive female doctor...then....i would still say no but i might be open to some convincing if she has enough valid reasons" would be this serious in exercising? well, although i didnt get a good reason for it, an athletic hottie celebrity did inspire me. her dedication is simply inspiring (and seeing how hot she looked on the treadmill). with an inspiring beauty coupled with my "urge" to exercise, my brain successfully convinced me to just do it.

since ive been doing a good job in exercising, i thought its about time to buy a new pair of running shoes. the ones i have now are showing signs of wear and tear but i think it can still last for a few more months. but since i dont have a new year's resolution, i thought of making it challenging to buy a new pair of shoes by having to meet some conditions before i allow myself to buy it. since my concern right now is whether i will be able to sustain this exercise routine for the coming months, i thought that i will only buy a new pair if i manage to exercise at least thrice a week for three months (so far, that was my average number of exercise days since i started it last november). the only time i will allow myself to have less than the thrice a week condition is if work, weather or illness prevents me from exercising (or some other compelling reason). if i fail to meet the thrice a week condition even once, i will reset the period until i complete the thrice a week exercise for three months.

the only time i will buy a new pair of running shoes without meeting the abovementioned condition is if my current pair becomes completely unusable. but i will not buy the pair i want. i will buy a cheap but adequate replacement pair (and i dont want the replacement pair i have in mind)