i managed to complete the nine day night mass last month. that would be two years in a row. but unlike in 2010 where i was able to attend all the 430 am masses, last year, i was late for one of the 430 am mass and attended one 6am mass (failed to wake up earlier). but still, i was able to complete the nine day series of masses.
the thing that annoyed me during the night mass was the rowdy kids. i dont have an idea why they attend the night mass in the first place when they dont even listen. they just talk with each other and laugh. at least i try to listen even if i fall asleep in some parts of the mass (that made me wonder, how did i manage to endure the 2010 masses? i dont recall getting very sleepy when i attended the 2010 night mass).
as the days went by, attending the night mass was getting more difficult. its really hard to wake up since i didnt sleep earlier (there's simply a lot of stuff to do during the holiday season). for a person who loves to sleep, waking up at 4am is really ridiculous and irritating. but i managed to just keep attending it until i finished all nine days.
the reason im blogging about the night mass is because i remembered how much hate i have in me. now that im loosening up gradually, its becoming clearer that i never got rid of the hatred within me. i merely suppressed it and managed to bottle it up nicely. just thinking about it reminds me of the amount of hatred i have when i was in high school (a friend described me as "ang taong galit sa mundo sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos").
the night masses brings that hatred out of me. sort of. during the night masses, my mind just becomes filled with hatred. hateful thoughts swim in my head as the priest conducts his mass. not that its directed at anyone attending the mass but its just hate running around my mind. how nice it would be to do this and that. destructive things, hateful things, horrible thoughts, etc. well, its hard to restrain my mind at 430 am in the morning. yet despite being filled with hate, a part of me can still peacefully listen to the priest and calmly hear mass. its like floating in a turbulent sea of hatred and looking at a serene sky. like i can let my hatred run loose in my mind and not worry about it turning into real physical action because the four walls of the church can serve as some sort of sanctuary in lieu of the mental restraints i place to control it. the night masses made me realize that the evil that i allowed to grow in the past still resides within me yet i need not fear it as long as i know how to keep things in control.
well, now that im still in the process of loosening up, i just hope i dont lose control. at the moment, im having difficulties shutting my mouth and preventing myself from making unintentional hurtful and insensitive comments. my sagittarian inability to sugarcoat the stuff i say is back. damn it. its like i never learned to be polite.
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