more than a month ago, i was at Our Lady of Manaoag in Pangasinan to pray for friends who took the 2011 bar exams. i found it a bit funny that when i took my bar exams, i didnt bother going there. after i passed the bar exams, a friend asked me if ive gone to Our Lady of Manaoag and i answered "no". surprised, he said that "di ka man lang nagpasalamat". well, i didnt go there in the first place, to ask for help or divine intervention. for me, it didnt matter which church i go to. as long as i prayed sincerely, that, i think, is enough (although i understand the point that the effort in showing such devotion and sincerity makes a difference). besides, i pray every day and my version of the Our Lady of Manaoag is the UP Chapel. up until today, i make it a habit to drop by the UP Chapel to pray whenever i go to UP for any reason.
anyway, after praying for my bar examinee friends, or as i called them in my prayer my "comrades" (ive always imagined taking the bar exams as something akin to going to war), i dropped by the church's little shop and saw a lot of rosaries. i then remembered that as a kid (during grade school to be exact), i always wore rosaries like a necklace. there was even a time that i wore three rosaries like it were some kind of bling blings (is this term still used today?). i dont even know why my mother allowed me to wear them to school (insert "oh god why" meme). i carried the habit of having a rosary with me until high school. but unlike during my grade school years, i didnt wear them. i only kept one in my pocket. then during college, i just kept it in my bag and before i even finished college, i stopped bringing a rosary with me. the rosary ive been carrying since 1996 now sits on my study table, covered with dust.
i dont know why i always had a rosary with me. i dont even use it. and my "darkest" times was when i had it with me. its weird that in high school, i stopped going to church, stopped praying and stopped recognizing God yet i maintained the habit of carrying a rosary like i always have my wallet and wristwatch. it was merely a force of habit, an empty gesture, devoid of any meaning. at least during grade school, the reason i always had a rosary with me is not for protection, like some amulet, but simply because it reminds me of my faith and i dont want to forget about it. it makes me happy to know that im in good terms with God. but the moment philosophy and science penetrated my brain, the doubt within me overcame my belief and i simply stopped acknowledging God. i didnt really become an atheist (although i think there were short periods that would be considered i was an atheist but most of the time, i just didnt like the thought of being inferior to a passive God). i just thought i do not need God to live (thats why it was common for me to say back then "hey God, look at me, im doing this on my own, without your help" or "this is it? you gotta be kidding me. is this the best you got God?"). the little faith i have left still thought there is a God but with science and philosophy dominating my state of mind, i started thinking God as insignificant in man's day to day activities. hence i became cocky and adopted the motto that "only God can stop me" in whatever stuff i do. this is why im haunted by a lot of my past actions. the "just do it" motto of nike isnt something worth following 100% of the time.
if not for law school, my faith in God wont be restored. again, its funny my faith was restored in a university that does not promote any religion. i studied in a catholic high school and catholic university but both academic institutions failed to convince me God is worth having. the reason i decided to have faith again is because i wanted to make a deal with God (because i have doubts if the devil does exist). thats how cocky ive become. to go to church, after years of criticizing God, and had the audacity to ask something in return from Him so that i would reinstate my faith in Him. anyway, i wouldnt approve of my intentions then but its because of that incident that my faith transformed into what it is now (besides, i offered a lot more than just "believing in God again" in return for what i asked. despite my initial cockiness of thinking im in the position to bargain with God, what i offered in return truly humbled me).
its not the kind of faith most people have. people go to church every sunday for whatever their reasons are but i go to church every sunday because its one of the promises i made to God, that i will fulfill such an obligation, in return for what i asked (again, among other stuff i offered). its a burden i promised to carry (its a burden because i dont believe in the philippine catholic church). whenever i pray, i make it a point not to ask for help unless really necessary. i make it a point to always be thankful. and i make it a point that i am the one in control of my life and i recognize God as the provider of such life (and for that i am grateful). the question of whether what i do is according to God's will or not falls upon my discretion and not the church's teachings. although i do consider what the church says, the fact that its composed by men means that my own discretion is as good as theirs to a certain extent. the church may have expertise in interpreting God's will but it wont change the fact it is still a human interpretation subject to personal bias and institutional prejudice. they have the authority on what's written in the Bible but they cant be an authority on how to properly live my life since i am the recipient of such gift of life and i know what it has been through and what it should go through. guidance is the most the church can provide and it cannot be mandatory on my part to follow it. thus the freedom and free will given to man remains intact. i think this is what faith should be (if not, then im sticking to my form of belief). a life with a proper balance between faith and reason. to be critical and not be a dummy to external forces and have the independence and discretion to know what is right and what is according to God's will. the most external factors can provide is guidance but enlightenment should always come from within. faith is a personal experience and in my experience, the way i practice my faith, i dont adhere to blind loyalty or blind faith. i doubt but i try not to let such doubt reach destructive heights. i follow God's will for i am His instrument but i never allow my brain to be a meaningless body part by not using the finite wisdom granted to me. the thirst for the infinite is a personal endeavor and a life long struggle. and struggles have more meaning when one's eyes are open and one's heart is filled with passion tempered by reason. i have no idea how i got to this topic and where im heading with it.
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