the only thing in sight is what I must do

i believe ive reached the point where i dont think in my work anymore. lawyering should be like rallying an army of brain cells to get the job done. i mean, the reason i took up law is for the intellectual stimulation. now, i just use a handful of brain cells who cares to volunteer to think about the legal problem.

not that i mastered law itself. far from it. very far from it. i rarely master anything. its just my mind would rather be busy with non-legal matters and lawyering has reached a routinary point. like there's a template i can refer to with the kind of legal problems that i encounter. gone are the peculiar cases i got when i was still in the UP Office of Legal Aid (or my initial months in law practice). The cases assigned to me then made people wonder how in whose whatever's name such a case was accepted and why am i the one handling it. that is why a law blockmate joked, the reason it was assigned to me is because its challenging. i couldnt be given anything less. it was dubbed as the curious cases of tristofer troisvallees. my baseless reputation of being some genius precedes me.

i dont know. the older i get, the more i develop an aversion for intellectual stimulation (the same way i developed an aversion for beer and coffee). like, its overrated, its tiring and not worth it. i should spend my time in stuff i enjoy. problem is, what do i enjoy? thinking! well, i used to enjoy it. now, i just want my mind to be blank and be an airhead. sometimes i do feel envious of dumbasses.

this is the problem with merging personalities. i have to face personalities which directly contradicts the dominant personality and try to figure out how to assimilate it. sometimes i wonder whether im doing the right thing. but i already told myself months ago that when i pose such question before me, i should get rid of the doubt and answer "yes!" this has to be done. i think this wanna-be-airhead part of me is the side of me that hated my guts for growing up too fast, for taking life seriously at an early age. the one that asked why do i have to aim for superiority over ordinary people? why cant i let myself enjoy life the way it wanted me to? well, what can i say, idiots really pissed me off when i was in high school and i didnt want to be one of them.