its 1am and i cant sleep. normally, im already fast asleep by this time. and i cant sleep because of the questions running in my head. a thought has been bothering me lately and somehow, the quote from Klaus (HIMYM S08E01) is somewhat relevant:
“There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be…'Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.' And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means…'the thing that is almost the thing that you want…but it’s not quite.' Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously.It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm…filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body…in your hands…in your heart…in your stomach…in your skin…Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone [finds it] eventually. You just never know when or where." - Klaus
so my question is...or my questions are: if Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand is the thing that is almost the thing you want but not quite, does it mean that Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is the perfect person for you? does everyone really find it eventually? what is instantaneous?
back in July 2008, i wrote a blog entry i entitled "the power of love" wherein i wrote that love, in its true form, is reserved for those who deserve it. therefore my position is, not everyone finds true love, simply because they're not prepared to have it or not fully capable to give it. maybe some feel it or experience it in such a fleeting manner that its gone before one realizes what he or she had. at least they experienced it. probably most of us will be lucky to have it within our respective lifetime but i think there are those unfortunate ones who die without even seeing a glimpse of it. they either look for it in the wrong places or they're too focused on the wrong person that they dont realize that all they had to do was turn around and see that true love was behind them all along. some are impatient that they fail to wait for that one person that's perfect for them. some are just plain stubborn or helplessly scared of experiencing something as real as true love. true love is one of life's greatest opportunity and its something that's easy to miss if youre not prepared to catch it. but if life sees you deserve it, life will equip you with what you need in order to recognize it, it would be the only thing you will see because youre ready to see it. my point is, true love is an elusive creature of mythical proportions that it wont simply walk into the door of each and every person, regardless whether they deserve to experience it or not. life reserves true love for everyone to experience but our journey through life will determine if we will be able to access this reserved opporunity.
love is a very personal experience and its not something that can be taught or learned. well, learned in an academic way, like searching the internet for tips and tricks. there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to love. each person experiences it differently, each person acquires it in their own peculiar or fascinating way. yet despite the experience of true love being unique in each and every person, it still doesnt change the fact that it is unique for everyone, thus there's a common denominator to it in order for the love a person has to be considered as true love. in my opinion, its being able to be selfish and selfless at the same time. selfish in a sense you love someone for it makes you happy and satisfied and you find comfort and happiness in knowing that the person you love is happy. selfless in a sense that youre willing to endure the greatest pain just to make the person you love happy or be in the best possible terms that you could do or give. simply put, its a love that is unconditional, like the way a parent's love should be. a love that doesnt break with each heartache. a love that grows strong every time its tested. a love that truly binds but does not smother or strangle its recipients.
but what's keeping me awake on this particular night isnt what i just discussed. its the question whether ive come across it. have i seen this elusive creature? have i felt it? i wish my answer is a definite "yes" or "no". if i were to believe Klaus, that it happens instantaneously, what the fuck does he mean by instantaneously? does he mean love at first sight? or does he mean that you suddenly see that you love this person? its possible that you suddenly find out you have feelings for someone you've known for quite sometime but you just failed to recognize it because your mind is a twisted fuck who refused to acknowledge it when you suddenly felt something for that person. so it doesnt mean it developed over time. well, actually, it sort of does. it also doesnt prevent the possibility that its a "love at first sight" sort of thing especially when it was the first time you saw the person in such light. that mid-afternoon sun is the culprit. sigh. i think im just trying to escape the possibility of "love at first sight" since its really irrational to suddenly like someone so much at the very first instance you saw the person. im not a believer of love at first sight. attraction yes. but love? i dont know. my mind is rejecting such possibility. its like im forcing myself to be confused about it or trying to convince myself that someone better will come along. i mean, it just cant be. there's got to be someone better. its stupid to like someone with so little information. im trying to think about it but i cant. its like reaching a dead end every time i try to analyze it. also, its almost 2am. it means my brain cells are already dead tired and craving sleep. i wish i can sleep now, now that ive unloaded these thoughts.
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