at this moment, im not that worried about august. or maybe i just dont want to worry about it.
not that im expecting it to be kind to me this year and not give me tons of unfortunate shit but it just so happens that ive been through a lot of shit already. whatever august has in store for me...well, it could just simply be another bunch of unfortunate shit ive been having since the first half of this year...or could finally send me to my tipping point.
my optimist self is saying that in any case, its a good thing for me. "whatever" replies my pessimist self. "whatever doesnt kill me will make me harder, better, faster and stronger" says my optimist self. pessimist self replies with a dead pan expression saying, "i love your sense of humor. it tickles every inch of my body. we can take august on any time with that kind of attitude and it wont hurt. not one bit." optimist self just smiles back. i think im going to have a lot of this optimist-pessimist shit next month.
if ever august is the month that will bring the rain, i just hope that the shit ive been through changed me enough that i will still be standing once the rain is over. im really getting tired with all the crap the other months have given me.
i initially wanted to write something like me challenging august to bring the rain. that after all the shit ive been through, august can do me no wrong. then i realized, im really tired. i dont want to put up with any more shit. i want a ceasefire from shit being thrown at me. but then again, thats not how it goes. i just dont know where i will get the energy to take august on in case its the one that will bring the rain. i feel old and weak. crap..
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
more or less 16 months and 20 days?
500 Days of SummerTrailer: Click HERE
Movie Info: Click HERE and HERE
Official Site: Click HERE
Movie Review: Click HERE
Soundtrack: Click HERE
i havent posted anything movie related for quite some time. and im not even sure if this movie is any good. i just learned about it yesterday and it seems good enough because zooey deschanel is in it.
Monday, July 13, 2009
identity crisis
i just googled myself (something i do from time to time) and found out there's this other guy with the same first name and family name. and this search result is something recent, like this month (well, i havent googled myself for quite some time). what the? ok...that might also be his name. i mean, there's a good probability that someone else has the same name as me (like my high school batchmate who has the same two given names (first name and second name) as me. the similarity ended with the first name, second name and first letter of the surname).
whats bothering me is that i love my name. i really do. and the fact that someone has the same name as me is just something im not expecting. i thought my name is unique enough that i can really call it my own and no one elses. well, im really very possessive. anyway, good thing he appears to be younger than me. so i can claim i owned the name first. so far i havent met or heard anyone older than me that has the same "full" name (the full name i normally use is my first name and surname. if i were to use my true full name or my birth certificate name, i would have to add my second "first" name which is frederick and my middle name or initial. second name sometimes refer to mother's maiden name in some countries. in our country, second name refers to the second given name because we usually provide two "first" names in addition to the mother's maiden last name and the father's last name as surname. i think)
oh well, i guess i should start using my second given name more frequently to identify myself properly. at least i dont have to change my signature which is simply my nickname.
whats bothering me is that i love my name. i really do. and the fact that someone has the same name as me is just something im not expecting. i thought my name is unique enough that i can really call it my own and no one elses. well, im really very possessive. anyway, good thing he appears to be younger than me. so i can claim i owned the name first. so far i havent met or heard anyone older than me that has the same "full" name (the full name i normally use is my first name and surname. if i were to use my true full name or my birth certificate name, i would have to add my second "first" name which is frederick and my middle name or initial. second name sometimes refer to mother's maiden name in some countries. in our country, second name refers to the second given name because we usually provide two "first" names in addition to the mother's maiden last name and the father's last name as surname. i think)
oh well, i guess i should start using my second given name more frequently to identify myself properly. at least i dont have to change my signature which is simply my nickname.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
weight matters
im down to 148lbs. i would say its not good because i dont easily gain weight (and i dont lose this much weight either). its actually an effort for me to gain some weight.
as of january 2008, my weight was 170-172lbs.
when i graduated from college, i was 150-155lbs. that was march 2004.
when i was a college freshman, my weight was 130lbs.
i started gaining weight around 3rd year college. and i started gaining weight again around 3rd year in law school. just a coincidence. i knew how much i ate in both instances when i gained weight. around 3rd year college, my class schedule allowed me to have lunch at home so i usually ate for a full hour because i took my time eating my lunch and i ate a lot too (in addition to the food i ate in school). also i was taking some meds for my skin allergy that increased my appetite. as for my weight gain in law school, i usually eat while sitting around, waiting for people or stuff. i had a lot of money to spend for food during that time. so in both instances, it was merely an increase in appetite and food intake. and lack of physical and mental activity.
i started at 130lbs when i was a college freshman. and after 9 years my current weight now is just 18lbs away from my weight back in 2000. ive been attempting to gain some weight but i really cant maintain it for more than a week. and ive never steadily lost this much weight before. normally i lose 5 but i regain it after some time. i cant lose more weight because it took me years to gain the weight ive gained. and i really need me some blubber for next year. if things go as i want them to be, i will need to gain back the pounds i lost or reach 180lbs because i expect to lose weight next year because next year will be a very demanding year, physically and mentally.
as of january 2008, my weight was 170-172lbs.
when i graduated from college, i was 150-155lbs. that was march 2004.
when i was a college freshman, my weight was 130lbs.
i started gaining weight around 3rd year college. and i started gaining weight again around 3rd year in law school. just a coincidence. i knew how much i ate in both instances when i gained weight. around 3rd year college, my class schedule allowed me to have lunch at home so i usually ate for a full hour because i took my time eating my lunch and i ate a lot too (in addition to the food i ate in school). also i was taking some meds for my skin allergy that increased my appetite. as for my weight gain in law school, i usually eat while sitting around, waiting for people or stuff. i had a lot of money to spend for food during that time. so in both instances, it was merely an increase in appetite and food intake. and lack of physical and mental activity.
i started at 130lbs when i was a college freshman. and after 9 years my current weight now is just 18lbs away from my weight back in 2000. ive been attempting to gain some weight but i really cant maintain it for more than a week. and ive never steadily lost this much weight before. normally i lose 5 but i regain it after some time. i cant lose more weight because it took me years to gain the weight ive gained. and i really need me some blubber for next year. if things go as i want them to be, i will need to gain back the pounds i lost or reach 180lbs because i expect to lose weight next year because next year will be a very demanding year, physically and mentally.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
2009 single
"I've still got a lot of years ahead of me to just erase these feelings. i want to go back and finish the things I've yet to finish."
I'm supposed to be chasing after my dream in this narrow winding road, stumbling in the crowds of people.
It's not that I want to return to that past, I am just searching for the sky I have lost. I hope you understand. Don't make that sad face as if you have been sacrificed. Tears aren't the end of one's sins. We have to carry it with us forever, in this maze of emotions that has no exit.
Who am I waiting for? As scribbled on the blank note, I want to blurt it out more justly. What do I want to escape from? Is it this thing called "reality"?
"For what am I living for?" In the middle of the night as my memories are fading. I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. There's still so much in life to remove this feeling. I will feel nostalgic about it. I welcome this pain.
I have to apologize for this. I'm sorry. I can't say it well. I'm just causing worries.
Everything that I embraced that day. Everything that I will embrace tomorrow. I will not arrange them in any order. I hope you understand. I closed my eyes but I could still see things I do not want to see.
Unnecessary rumors that I hear for the first time, so what? "Face it and we will be friends" Don't tell lies like these. My heart agitated from deep inside, a burning sensation runs through my body.
Actually I'm expecting something from this thing called "reality". "For what am I living for?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too.
I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger to march on (im on the way). I do welcome friends and foes.
How do I open the next door? I'm thinking. The unretractable story has begun. Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
There is still so much in life to remove this feeling. I want to start all over again so that I can complete what I haven't done. Shall we go again?
"For what am I living?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger. I feel the nostalgia.
I welcome this pain.
Music Vid: click HERE
AGAIN by YUI
I'm supposed to be chasing after my dream in this narrow winding road, stumbling in the crowds of people.
It's not that I want to return to that past, I am just searching for the sky I have lost. I hope you understand. Don't make that sad face as if you have been sacrificed. Tears aren't the end of one's sins. We have to carry it with us forever, in this maze of emotions that has no exit.
Who am I waiting for? As scribbled on the blank note, I want to blurt it out more justly. What do I want to escape from? Is it this thing called "reality"?
"For what am I living for?" In the middle of the night as my memories are fading. I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. There's still so much in life to remove this feeling. I will feel nostalgic about it. I welcome this pain.
I have to apologize for this. I'm sorry. I can't say it well. I'm just causing worries.
Everything that I embraced that day. Everything that I will embrace tomorrow. I will not arrange them in any order. I hope you understand. I closed my eyes but I could still see things I do not want to see.
Unnecessary rumors that I hear for the first time, so what? "Face it and we will be friends" Don't tell lies like these. My heart agitated from deep inside, a burning sensation runs through my body.
Actually I'm expecting something from this thing called "reality". "For what am I living for?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too.
I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger to march on (im on the way). I do welcome friends and foes.
How do I open the next door? I'm thinking. The unretractable story has begun. Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
There is still so much in life to remove this feeling. I want to start all over again so that I can complete what I haven't done. Shall we go again?
"For what am I living?" I want to shout it out loud. Can you hear me? I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. I am grateful for all the kindness, so I want to become stronger. I feel the nostalgia.
I welcome this pain.
Music Vid: click HERE
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