L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce

im amazed that people still think im capable of loving another person. some people still expect that something will happen. that this love thing is for everybody. isnt it obvious that im not capable of such thing? its my defect, its my disability. i will admit that there might be something wrong with me (note, i said "might") but thats just the way i am. im a very rational (and self-centered) person and the irrational just doesnt work for me. i find it hard to deal with the irrational. the realm of the rational is my comfort zone and i will never go out of this zone for the simple reason that there's no point exploring outside its realm. so please, stop pestering me with nonsense and just accept the fact that people like me exist. im really getting tired of explaining and answering "why" questions that im surprised to learn happen to be really irrelevant and a waste of brain cells. i used to think all "why" questions are questions worth answering. im just really annoyed right now.

i should work in a casino

i just thought of a "game" to make life a bit interesting. i thought of it when i remembered harold crick categorizing and jotting down whether the stuff that happens to him is a tragedy or a comedy. of course, its boring to just categorize things to find out whether im in a tragedy or a comedy. so in the game that i thought of, what i would do is, make my life either as a tragedy or comedy depending on life's response. this somehow makes use of the concepts of fate and free will. well, more of the exercise of free will based from fate. well, its more of a game of chance followed by an exercise of free will.

anyway, the game goes like this:

so im bored. i see something like a car about to reach an intersection. if it goes left, i do something that will screw my life. like, flunk an exam. if it goes right, i will do the opposite, meaning do something to improve my life, like aim for a perfect score. if it goes straight and not make a turn, then i do what im in the mood to do when the exam comes. so thats three choices dependent on what will happen. of course, thats the simplest explanation. being the person that i am, it will never be as simple as that. i will make it very complicated, like inducing something to happen or trying to elicit a response from a group of people and try to come up with a general assessment whether its a positive or negative response. of course, this isnt an original idea. people do this all the time. its even based from the coin toss practice. only difference is, i make it more complicated and my future is on the line. well, not really. since i dont care about my future anymore, i cant really say my future is on the line. im just bored and i just want to do things. unfortunately, im afflicted with this unknown disease where i need a reason to do things. sadly, there is no cure for it but to do idiotic things like coming up with this stupid yet surprisingly interesting (well, a bit interesting) game. at least i can conduct social experiments and get to use my social environment in making decisions based on chance.

5 more pounds...

and ive gained the 25 pounds ive lost since 2008. it took me more than a year to lose 25 pounds. i gained 20 pounds since september. that cant be right. well, last august 2009, my weight was 145 pounds (when i graduated from college back in 2004, i was around 150-155 pounds). now, i weigh at 165. the weighing scale must be defective. or im really gaining weight really quickly. i never thought i can gain this much weight in just a few months. wait, i think i have thought that i can gain weight quickly (the same way i can lose 5 pounds overnight). i proposed a bet years ago that i can gain 10 pounds in a month. well, there were no takers. so im going to test myself whether i really can gain at least 10 pounds in a month. today is the 24th of january. by the 24th of february, my weight must be at least 175. this is a challenge for someone who loses weight quickly.

wow, im talking about my weight. life must be extremely boring lately. or very uneventful.

chained to being unchained

im starting to hate the fact that i moved on when i shouldnt have. oh well. its another addition to my accumulating losses. now that i think about it, its weird that i find it difficult not to move on. maybe im too used to failure. yeah sure i dwell on some stuff sometimes but i dont really get stuck. i just keep moving forward...or backward...or sideways. the thing is, i always move. im stuck on not being stuck. if i do appear to be stuck, its an illusion. there's always something brewing behind the scenes. i think this is the curse of people who always plan too far ahead

how?

how can people operate on a daily basis with only three hours of sleep? i slept around 5am and woke around 8am. right now, im trying not to fall asleep. but its pointless to stay awake since my brain cant function and be productive.

the perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues

I love How I Met Your Mother

the dance/musical for the 100th episode "girls v suits"



i also liked the guest star Stacy Keibler. unfortunately, Michelle Mccool is my favorite WWE Diva, followed by Tori Wilson, then Stacy Keibler. but i guess the first two wont pass as hot bartender for the episode.

Girls versus Suits (HIMYM S5E12)

"you never know when youre about to meet someone really important. its not like life gives you a warning. you just look up and there they are" - Future Ted Mosby 

"its funny. sometime you walk into a place youve never been before. but you get the feeling youre exactly where youre supposed to be" - Future Ted Mosby

funny people

i heard a rumor just now that if proven to be true will confirm everything i thought will happen. it would further convince me that i do have a good sense of foresight. and it will also convince me that i have indeed figured out where my life is headed and my attitude towards it is just appropriate. if this rumor is true...i have seen everything and life just became as boring as lint.

the most i can do is try to amuse myself with the details.

phoenix philosophy

in my december 29, 2008 blog post, i said that my theme for 2009 will be "i dont want to survive, i want to live/let go and simply live". i think i was able to partially do this for 2009.

what can i say about the year 2009?  i remember that during the first 2 weeks of january 2009, i was really motivated in taking my studies seriously and preparing myself for life after law school. like i said in 2008, my plans were taking shape and i intended to start executing it in 2009. i spent 2008 preparing myself for the life that i have chosen to take. 2009 was supposed to be the year that i apply what i have prepared myself for. well, life is filled with surprises. something happened in mid-january that made me completely contradict myself. the months of preparation were quickly placed in the backseat and i allowed to happen something that ive always avoided from happening. this something lasted for more or less a couple of months. in that short period, it made me experience happiness and made me want it too. it made me live my life differently. it also gave me a reason to wake up every day. unfortunately, in the end, there was the realization of truly wanting it but not being wanted at the same time. having these two realizations cant exist together. even if that was the case, its not something i will regret. it made me contradict myself. in a way, i lost myself to it. but in this experience of losing myself made me gain something out of it. like the rolling stone's song that was sung in the last episode of Glee (if im not mistaken), you cant always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.

right after this something ended, i started my insane attempt to take the bar exams. even if during 2008 i accepted the fact already that i wont be taking the 2009 bar exams, i suddenly forced the idea of trying to take it. i enrolled in the arellano bar review program and moved in a studio type apartment located near arellano, along taft avenue. i also took two subjects in arellano law. it kept me busy for two months. by june, i already knew that taking the 2009 bar wont happen. this is when i started looking for employment. three weeks later, i got myself hired in CODE-NGO. thanks to 2 college blockmates that informed me of the opening and referred me to the NGO. it kept me busy until the 2nd semester of school year 2009-2010 started.

it was also in june that i was able to confirm something ive always thought would happen. i am convinced that i have a good sense of foresight.

anyway, being busy is really not my thing. i would always opt to be idle and do nothing. i dreamed of being a bum. but 2009 kept me busy, especially during its latter half. its in its latter half that i started getting myself back on track. its also in this latter half that made me see that life can be really weird (aside from being incredibly harsh with its annoying sense of humor. i mean, no matter how you plan your life, life can bring surprises that can either be good or nasty that would disrupt the plans). but at least its nice enough to give me something good from time to time, like a wonderful distraction. the only thing that can pull me out of my busy life and prevent me from suffering from burn out.

so in 2009, I lived, loved, lost and learned, i enrolled in another law school (making me a cross-enrollee/cross-registrant), i enrolled in a bar review program, i finally got myself employed, i became a working student, i experienced not being able to graduate on time, i had an apartment to myself, lost my cellphone to a pickpocket, attended three wakes (mother of a law school blockmate, great grandmother of a law school blockmate and Corazon Aquino's), attended my cousin's wedding (just two days ago. so its three wakes and a wedding. i think i'll rent four weddings and a funeral), got myself in a fender bender involving a BMW, did seven regional consultation workshops, one national conference, one FGD, and one information forum as part of my work duties (something i never thought i will do), finally bought a bouquet of flowers for someone for valentine's day (something that i always think of doing but never managed to do. so i didnt get to use the "i was supposed to buy you one but...i forgot/the shops were closed/its too cliche" line), became a coffee shop person (the reason i bought a coffee maker is because i dont want to study in coffee shops!), got married to my laptop (because i always bring it everywhere i go. even to the beach), i started smoking again, got drunk very often (so often that i dont like to drink beer anymore), took a removal exam, met someone i thought was inevitable i would meet, attended a ball, bought myself a suit, attended SFC meetings (wasnt able to finish it), liked another tv program called Glee, wasnt able to watch all the movies i listed i planned to watch in 2009 but i think i was able to watch half of it, got addicted to mafia wars in facebook, a college blockmate gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and another college blockmate got engaged to a tv personality, i didnt notice my birthday that much since i was really busy and i spent the entire christmas day home alone. 

2009, i think, is primarily a year of big losses and small victories. whatever doesnt kill me simply makes me stranger.

whats my plan for 2010? move forward, get rid of weaknesses and never look back. not sure if i will take the metaphorical leap like the one in HIMYM. it depends on the opportunities i will be able to generate and the stuff life will throw at me this time. now if something happens again this january, life should be able to come up with something new or something creative. im going to use 2010 to make up for lost time so i would really strive not to deviate anymore from what i have planned.