phoenix philosophy

in my december 29, 2008 blog post, i said that my theme for 2009 will be "i dont want to survive, i want to live/let go and simply live". i think i was able to partially do this for 2009.

what can i say about the year 2009?  i remember that during the first 2 weeks of january 2009, i was really motivated in taking my studies seriously and preparing myself for life after law school. like i said in 2008, my plans were taking shape and i intended to start executing it in 2009. i spent 2008 preparing myself for the life that i have chosen to take. 2009 was supposed to be the year that i apply what i have prepared myself for. well, life is filled with surprises. something happened in mid-january that made me completely contradict myself. the months of preparation were quickly placed in the backseat and i allowed to happen something that ive always avoided from happening. this something lasted for more or less a couple of months. in that short period, it made me experience happiness and made me want it too. it made me live my life differently. it also gave me a reason to wake up every day. unfortunately, in the end, there was the realization of truly wanting it but not being wanted at the same time. having these two realizations cant exist together. even if that was the case, its not something i will regret. it made me contradict myself. in a way, i lost myself to it. but in this experience of losing myself made me gain something out of it. like the rolling stone's song that was sung in the last episode of Glee (if im not mistaken), you cant always have what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.

right after this something ended, i started my insane attempt to take the bar exams. even if during 2008 i accepted the fact already that i wont be taking the 2009 bar exams, i suddenly forced the idea of trying to take it. i enrolled in the arellano bar review program and moved in a studio type apartment located near arellano, along taft avenue. i also took two subjects in arellano law. it kept me busy for two months. by june, i already knew that taking the 2009 bar wont happen. this is when i started looking for employment. three weeks later, i got myself hired in CODE-NGO. thanks to 2 college blockmates that informed me of the opening and referred me to the NGO. it kept me busy until the 2nd semester of school year 2009-2010 started.

it was also in june that i was able to confirm something ive always thought would happen. i am convinced that i have a good sense of foresight.

anyway, being busy is really not my thing. i would always opt to be idle and do nothing. i dreamed of being a bum. but 2009 kept me busy, especially during its latter half. its in its latter half that i started getting myself back on track. its also in this latter half that made me see that life can be really weird (aside from being incredibly harsh with its annoying sense of humor. i mean, no matter how you plan your life, life can bring surprises that can either be good or nasty that would disrupt the plans). but at least its nice enough to give me something good from time to time, like a wonderful distraction. the only thing that can pull me out of my busy life and prevent me from suffering from burn out.

so in 2009, I lived, loved, lost and learned, i enrolled in another law school (making me a cross-enrollee/cross-registrant), i enrolled in a bar review program, i finally got myself employed, i became a working student, i experienced not being able to graduate on time, i had an apartment to myself, lost my cellphone to a pickpocket, attended three wakes (mother of a law school blockmate, great grandmother of a law school blockmate and Corazon Aquino's), attended my cousin's wedding (just two days ago. so its three wakes and a wedding. i think i'll rent four weddings and a funeral), got myself in a fender bender involving a BMW, did seven regional consultation workshops, one national conference, one FGD, and one information forum as part of my work duties (something i never thought i will do), finally bought a bouquet of flowers for someone for valentine's day (something that i always think of doing but never managed to do. so i didnt get to use the "i was supposed to buy you one but...i forgot/the shops were closed/its too cliche" line), became a coffee shop person (the reason i bought a coffee maker is because i dont want to study in coffee shops!), got married to my laptop (because i always bring it everywhere i go. even to the beach), i started smoking again, got drunk very often (so often that i dont like to drink beer anymore), took a removal exam, met someone i thought was inevitable i would meet, attended a ball, bought myself a suit, attended SFC meetings (wasnt able to finish it), liked another tv program called Glee, wasnt able to watch all the movies i listed i planned to watch in 2009 but i think i was able to watch half of it, got addicted to mafia wars in facebook, a college blockmate gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and another college blockmate got engaged to a tv personality, i didnt notice my birthday that much since i was really busy and i spent the entire christmas day home alone. 

2009, i think, is primarily a year of big losses and small victories. whatever doesnt kill me simply makes me stranger.

whats my plan for 2010? move forward, get rid of weaknesses and never look back. not sure if i will take the metaphorical leap like the one in HIMYM. it depends on the opportunities i will be able to generate and the stuff life will throw at me this time. now if something happens again this january, life should be able to come up with something new or something creative. im going to use 2010 to make up for lost time so i would really strive not to deviate anymore from what i have planned.