This seems appropriate at the moment

"Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "just friends". We're the kids who feel like dead ends. And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses. I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. And the poets are just kids who didn't make it, and never had it at all. And the record won't stop skipping. And the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. We can fake it for the airwaves. Force our smiles, baby, half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me. Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense. Blame everyone but me for this mess. And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all" - I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song); FOB

i dont know. this song just felt appropriate when i was listening to it earlier while walking inside the mall.

im on the brink of another financial crisis due to overspending and impulsive investments (and im contemplating spending even further once i get the phone call on wednesday. but its still manageable. will have to tap reserve funds). this is the kind of gambling i do. and i know that im not good with gambling. but no matter how much i lose, i never fall into debt. i can risk it all but i never risk more than what i have. and if i do risk it all, my disciplined self kicks in to get myself out of bankruptcy. sometimes i wonder if i purposely fall just to be able to summon my disciplined side which never gets tired of rising up again.

in addition to financial matters, im still drowning in a sea of work (still manageable) and despite having a lot of important matters to attend to, im trying to insert a relationship which i cant determine whether its serious or romantic or whatever it should be called. i underestimated myself yet again. im starting to see a 2-3 year cycle here. crap. my head hurts and sleep wont be able to make it go away.