the guy from the ivory tower has been asking me questions lately

last week, while inside my office room, i wondered if im able to truly love another person. the reason why such a question popped in my head is because i have this client who was doing everything he can for his kids. i mean, this guy really loves them so much that he is willing to endure pain and to make sacrifices in order to give them a better life. the same way my parents have done for me.

i just tried to imagine how they do it. they have this person who makes their heart weep so much that the pain must be so great and that is the same person that makes their heart swell with immeasurable delight. i know of people who have made me feel that way (or something similar) but i havent really experienced it the same way my client or my parents did. i mean, they have loved a person that gives them great pain and great joy for numerous decades. their love for that person doesnt seem to fade or diminish over time.

so i asked myself, can i do the same? and in that office room, i answered "i dont know". i answered with an expression similar to barney and quinn when they asked whether they trust each other and they said "no".

i think i can do it but thinking is different from actually doing it. from actually feeling it. saying "yes i can" because i think i can is just the first step to a thousand mile journey. one's love for a person is bound to be tested by time. and whether it will grow stronger, stay the same or falter isnt something i can answer at this point in time. well, certainly i cant answer it since i dont have any recipient for such affection but what i mean is, if there is someone, can i love that person with the same kind of love my client has exhibited or the same love my parents have given me? like i said, i dont know. of course im going to do everything i can to make things work but i also shouldnt forget the possibility that some things just arent meant to be. and this is the more pertinent question i asked myself that day: am i really meant to be "normal" or im better off staying weird?

im that guy who had decided as early as high school to live a solitary life. im a self-proclaimed loner (the same way im a self-proclaimed black sheep. and people disagree). that is why i graduated from college not noticing that i never had a girlfriend. i just didnt have a need for it. i was ok on my own. it was only when i started "opening up" that i became less weird and started doing what normal people do. i allowed myself to like women, lowered my defenses (thus decreasing my aversion for them since i consider them my kryptonite) and even made attempts to be in somewhat romantic relationships. not sure if ive tried everything, most likely i havent, but ive tried lots, and nothing worked. i just kept getting back up from every miss and mistake i make to the point that i said "three strikes, im out" for nothing continued to happen. so i started fooling around to pass the time since nothing's going to work anyway. in the end, or until recently, i thought, im just fooling myself.


then i started to wonder, "maybe i was right in the first place". maybe im supposed to be that weird guy who likes to live alone. the thing is, the reason i answered "i dont know" when i asked myself if i can truly love another person with the same love my client/parents exhibited is because when i tried to look back at the women i liked and imagined if things did work out with them, i thought, im not sure if my feelings for them will stay the same for decades. but can i really answer it now? or can anyone answer it right away? that they can love a person in sickness and in health til death comes for one of them? when they answer, arent they really answering in present tense? anyway, my point is, i thought, maybe that is why i dont have an intense desire to be in a relationship with anyone. im not fully convinced its for me. of course, people will say, its because i havent met that girl that would really change the way i think or transform me into that normal person. well, if thats true, then why cant i shake off the hunch that its my high school self that i should be listening to? why am i scared of actually meeting someone that will change me? or to put it in another way, why am i more interested in maintaining the current state of things? even though i say "wouldnt it be nice to be in a relationship", i dont think im entirely for it. a part of me finds it unacceptable. actually, most of me is against being in a relationship. its just im capable of actually loving a person and a part of me feels bad that i dont get to use it. its frustrating to have something great lying around in some corner unused. issues. i have commitment and attachment issues. i think. well, i promised myself to start this week right, so i cant be up all night even if i have demons to fight.

crap. its 1am already. if im going to start this week right, i better be at mcdonalds by sunrise

Quotes from the film "Pote tin Kyriaki" (1960)

Because you are the whole world. beautiful and corrupt. Ilia is lovely. but for me, she's not a woman. she's an idea. She's an outlaw! - Homer Thrace

***
They said that the true happiness comes from the pleasure of the mind. That the greatest happiness is the joy of understanding - Homer Thrace

***
And Ilya ate the apple of wisdom and she knew shame. - The Captain

***
The Captain: So he told Taki if he couldn't read music, he was no real musician and he never would be. So Taki began to cry and he said he would never play again

Taki: Im ignorant! I'll never play again!

Ilya: Taki, listen. People who made up music notes..they made them up so that they could write down music, no? You make music. They need the notes to write down what you play. If you dont play, what can they do with their notes? Nothing. Taki, can birds read music?

Taki: No.

Ilya: So should birds stop singing?

***
Homer Thrace: Youre beatiful but youre dumb! i wanted to save you. because you were the symbol!

Tonio: She's not a symbol. She is a woman

***
The Captain: if anyone will save Ilia, it would be Tonio

Homer Thrace: Why Tonio?

The Captain: Because with love, its possible

can i get a much stronger push? like "God wants you to know...go get her you idiot!"

On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

all about the stuff i cathect and my lumix Miyoung

so i finally bought me a tablet. but i shall not write a blog entry about it until i write an entry for my Lumix LX5, which is almost one year late (and there's already a Lumix LX7). i have to be fair to all my stuff i "cathect".

dagger and cloak as yoonyul

i have an entry for my phones Cloak and Dagger and my laptop Grimlock. i give names to stuff i own that i really like (i call my backpack "69", my wristwatch: "4D". my thumbdrives "Laserbeak" and "Snaptrap", my mp3 player "Opal" (well, it is its default name), my cousin's ipaq "Hawkeye III", my PS3 "Noir", our PC "Teletraan", my running shoes "Plus" and "Minus", my chucks "Black" and "Blue" (yeah, i wasnt in the mood to be creative with their names then), my boots "Zip" and "Earth", my "mall bag" "Yuki", my "jogging bag" "X", my sports earphones "Number 8", my workbag "Ironhide", my sennheiser earphones "Bliss", my sports bottles "Curve" and "Camel", my cereal bowl "Dos", my parker pens "Gold" and "Silver", my caps "Dot" and "Santa", my switchblade "Strawberry Farm", my spoon, fork and chopsticks "Nom, nom and Nom",  and my tablet "Rinnegan" (at the moment. the names arent permanent. but i rarely change them anyway). i think that's errbody)

why give em names? well, these are the stuff i intend to "work" with for quite some time and when its time for them to "retire", i will feel bad about not being able to use them anymore (like "Dot"). these are the personal stuff i cathect thats why i give em names. i use its names like "where the crap is Silver"? or "i have to meet a client and Black's a bit dirty so...Blue, youre up", "im going to bicol. 69 and Zip, youre coming with me", "Damn it Cloak, why do you have to crash and lose all my contacts. now i have to plug you to Teletraan to restore your back-up". i dont know. its more interesting than just calling it nokia phone or black bag or that pair of white shoes, etc. maybe i need a pet. or im just weird and creepy. in any case, i like giving names to stuff i like. its like establishing some kind of "partnership" with them. like driving an automobile. you dont just drive a car, you get to know it in order to drive it well. you acquaint yourself wih how this automobile operates. but with the non-mechanical stuff, its really just having a favorite pen or a cap you use very often.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

so if my stuff doesnt have a name, its just some piece of machinery or some stuff. sorry samsung phone. maybe i will grow to like you in the coming months.

anyway, i bought my Panasonic Lumix LX5 (which i call Miyoung) last December 2011. it was recommended to me by a friend. but i was still very undecided when to buy it then. i was thinking of postponing it until the first quarter of 2012. i mean, its not some cheap ass digicam. then i saw Tiffany Hwang carrying a Lumix GF1 (if im not mistaken) and i thought "wow. that camera looks nice with a leather case. and a girls' generation member owns a lumix" (yeah, girls generation can pretty much sell me anything and im likely to buy it. i bought an intel i5 processor because of them, i bought an LG

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

monitor because of them, i eat Samyang ramyun because of them). then i checked the Lumix Lx5 and it also has a leather case and it kinda looks like the one Tiffany has. so i thought, im going to buy me a Lumix digicam (and its leather case. its really the leather case that caught my attention). i didnt get the digicam model Tiffany Hwang has because i already had my eye on the LX5. seeing her with a lumix camera just made me decide to buy it as soon as possible because i started to have intense desire to have it. so a couple of weeks later, i got me a lumix LX5 and i was, and still am, happy with it. im no photographer but the camera made me interested in taking photos. i like what it captures. the pictures are great. the only thing i feel bad about it is that, i cant maximize its use because im not a photographer. but im trying to get myself acquainted with its other capabilities. so far, i havent mastered its timing the same way i mastered my previous digicam Cybershot (didnt have to come up with a name because cybershot is a nice name to begin with) which was stolen from me because 69 wasnt zipped properly.

Free Time; AAGG: Paradise in Phuket

what i really really want is...an adventure of a lifetime?

last weekend, while inside the mall to go to a cellphone store to have something replaced, i asked myself "how come i dont hustle?". i mean, why dont i exert some effort to get what i want? then i thought, thats not entirely true. i hustle for food i want. if i want J.Co donuts, 90% of the time i would try to think of a reason to go to the mall so i can drop by J.Co. if i cant think of a reason, im going to go there anyway and line up for an hour and a half for a dozen mouth watering donuts. if the lady at J.Co says the donut flavor i want isnt available, im going to ask her to check and make sure that its really not available or im going to wait for it if they're still going to make one. 10% of the time, i dont want it that bad. thats when i dont "hustle".

another example was when i really wanted to take a shower and have a massage after a tiring work day and before going out with friends. since im in a somewhat unfamiliar territory, it took me hours before finally finding a spa with my preferences (must have a shower!). i mean, if i really want something, i really go the extra mile to get it. that is why i dont hustle to get the girl that i like. i just probably dont want it that bad. the fact that i can "stop" myself from liking a girl could only mean my desire for her is not strong enough. so i asked myself "why would i hustle half-heartedly? im being unfair to the girl and im depriving other guys who might be more deserving for they would hustle for that girl more than i would." so i thought, "then my problem is contentment?" i mean, thats why i dont want things that bad because im ok with the way things are now. thats why i dont hustle for a better paying job. sure i make an effort, but i dont hustle. i complain about my salary but i really dont make concrete efforts to do something about it because at the end of the day, im ok with the way things are.

this is what i dont like. im too...laid back. i took timon and pumba's hakuna matata philosophy too seriously. my life is like, no matter what happens, i respond with "meh. no worries". stress free. now who wouldnt want that? problem is, with this kind of attitude, im bound to go nowhere. its like waiting for something happen. good things come to those who wait. but those are what's left by those who hustle. those who hustle get the best and good ones in life. crap. i dont want leftovers.

a few weeks ago, i tried hustling to get things i want. though i dont want it that bad, i hustled for it anyway and i got them. but since i dont want it that bad, my satisfaction for acquiring it isnt great. so what's bothering me isnt the fact that i dont hustle. because i know how to hustle for things. its just that i usually dont. what's really bothering me is my lack of intense desire for things. ive been criticized that i lack ambition. i didnt want to go to college but my parents scolded me that it was a stupid thing to say, and they probably thought i was joking. so i took them college entrance exams just to get it over with. i finished college. but then, i dont feel like working yet and i wanted to study some more. so i took up law because it seemed interesting. i was surprised during my third year in law school that i might actually finish my law studies. so i thought, "damn it. time to get serious". that only lasted for a couple of semesters. i finished law school and it was time to take the bar exams. i thought, "to minimize the pressure, im going to pass it on my second take. i dont feel like squeezing my brains out". i passed the bar exams on my first take. wow. im a lawyer. i started working in a law office one week after the bar exams, even before passing the bar and my daily attire, if i dont have court hearings is a pair of jeans, a collared shirt and high cut chucks. i hardly look like them lawyers on tv. im that carefree guy who just kept moving, who projects an aura of seriousness, depth and gentleness. i think.

how the hell did i make it this far? i look at other people hustling for the position im in and here i am, not much care in the world. sometimes i wonder what the hell am i supposed to do? why cant i just have a simple life? or a life where i travel a lot and not in some office room. if my 10 year old self will see me, he would probably be disappointed. i always answered in "what i would like to be" questions is that i want to job involving exposure to the great outdoors. or inside a laboratory like a scientist with some field research. why dont i hustle for such kind of work? dont i want it that bad? maybe ive given up on such kind of childhood dreams. the fact things arent that bad makes me stuck in this somewhat awful rut. so i said to myself, "maybe its time to shake things a bit". question is "how?" maybe i will get an answer the next time i ask myself questions while walking inside the mall.