last weekend, while inside the mall to go to a cellphone store to have something replaced, i asked myself "how come i dont hustle?". i mean, why dont i exert some effort to get what i want? then i thought, thats not entirely true. i hustle for food i want. if i want J.Co donuts, 90% of the time i would try to think of a reason to go to the mall so i can drop by J.Co. if i cant think of a reason, im going to go there anyway and line up for an hour and a half for a dozen mouth watering donuts. if the lady at J.Co says the donut flavor i want isnt available, im going to ask her to check and make sure that its really not available or im going to wait for it if they're still going to make one. 10% of the time, i dont want it that bad. thats when i dont "hustle".
another example was when i really wanted to take a shower and have a massage after a tiring work day and before going out with friends. since im in a somewhat unfamiliar territory, it took me hours before finally finding a spa with my preferences (must have a shower!). i mean, if i really want something, i really go the extra mile to get it. that is why i dont hustle to get the girl that i like. i just probably dont want it that bad. the fact that i can "stop" myself from liking a girl could only mean my desire for her is not strong enough. so i asked myself "why would i hustle half-heartedly? im being unfair to the girl and im depriving other guys who might be more deserving for they would hustle for that girl more than i would." so i thought, "then my problem is contentment?" i mean, thats why i dont want things that bad because im ok with the way things are now. thats why i dont hustle for a better paying job. sure i make an effort, but i dont hustle. i complain about my salary but i really dont make concrete efforts to do something about it because at the end of the day, im ok with the way things are.
this is what i dont like. im too...laid back. i took timon and pumba's hakuna matata philosophy too seriously. my life is like, no matter what happens, i respond with "meh. no worries". stress free. now who wouldnt want that? problem is, with this kind of attitude, im bound to go nowhere. its like waiting for something happen. good things come to those who wait. but those are what's left by those who hustle. those who hustle get the best and good ones in life. crap. i dont want leftovers.
a few weeks ago, i tried hustling to get things i want. though i dont want it that bad, i hustled for it anyway and i got them. but since i dont want it that bad, my satisfaction for acquiring it isnt great. so what's bothering me isnt the fact that i dont hustle. because i know how to hustle for things. its just that i usually dont. what's really bothering me is my lack of intense desire for things. ive been criticized that i lack ambition. i didnt want to go to college but my parents scolded me that it was a stupid thing to say, and they probably thought i was joking. so i took them college entrance exams just to get it over with. i finished college. but then, i dont feel like working yet and i wanted to study some more. so i took up law because it seemed interesting. i was surprised during my third year in law school that i might actually finish my law studies. so i thought, "damn it. time to get serious". that only lasted for a couple of semesters. i finished law school and it was time to take the bar exams. i thought, "to minimize the pressure, im going to pass it on my second take. i dont feel like squeezing my brains out". i passed the bar exams on my first take. wow. im a lawyer. i started working in a law office one week after the bar exams, even before passing the bar and my daily attire, if i dont have court hearings is a pair of jeans, a collared shirt and high cut chucks. i hardly look like them lawyers on tv. im that carefree guy who just kept moving, who projects an aura of seriousness, depth and gentleness. i think.
how the hell did i make it this far? i look at other people hustling for the position im in and here i am, not much care in the world. sometimes i wonder what the hell am i supposed to do? why cant i just have a simple life? or a life where i travel a lot and not in some office room. if my 10 year old self will see me, he would probably be disappointed. i always answered in "what i would like to be" questions is that i want to job involving exposure to the great outdoors. or inside a laboratory like a scientist with some field research. why dont i hustle for such kind of work? dont i want it that bad? maybe ive given up on such kind of childhood dreams. the fact things arent that bad makes me stuck in this somewhat awful rut. so i said to myself, "maybe its time to shake things a bit". question is "how?" maybe i will get an answer the next time i ask myself questions while walking inside the mall.
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