last week, while inside my office room, i wondered if im able to truly love another person. the reason why such a question popped in my head is because i have this client who was doing everything he can for his kids. i mean, this guy really loves them so much that he is willing to endure pain and to make sacrifices in order to give them a better life. the same way my parents have done for me.
i just tried to imagine how they do it. they have this person who makes their heart weep so much that the pain must be so great and that is the same person that makes their heart swell with immeasurable delight. i know of people who have made me feel that way (or something similar) but i havent really experienced it the same way my client or my parents did. i mean, they have loved a person that gives them great pain and great joy for numerous decades. their love for that person doesnt seem to fade or diminish over time.
so i asked myself, can i do the same? and in that office room, i answered "i dont know". i answered with an expression similar to barney and quinn when they asked whether they trust each other and they said "no".
i think i can do it but thinking is different from actually doing it. from actually feeling it. saying "yes i can" because i think i can is just the first step to a thousand mile journey. one's love for a person is bound to be tested by time. and whether it will grow stronger, stay the same or falter isnt something i can answer at this point in time. well, certainly i cant answer it since i dont have any recipient for such affection but what i mean is, if there is someone, can i love that person with the same kind of love my client has exhibited or the same love my parents have given me? like i said, i dont know. of course im going to do everything i can to make things work but i also shouldnt forget the possibility that some things just arent meant to be. and this is the more pertinent question i asked myself that day: am i really meant to be "normal" or im better off staying weird?
im that guy who had decided as early as high school to live a solitary life. im a self-proclaimed loner (the same way im a self-proclaimed black sheep. and people disagree). that is why i graduated from college not noticing that i never had a girlfriend. i just didnt have a need for it. i was ok on my own. it was only when i started "opening up" that i became less weird and started doing what normal people do. i allowed myself to like women, lowered my defenses (thus decreasing my aversion for them since i consider them my kryptonite) and even made attempts to be in somewhat romantic relationships. not sure if ive tried everything, most likely i havent, but ive tried lots, and nothing worked. i just kept getting back up from every miss and mistake i make to the point that i said "three strikes, im out" for nothing continued to happen. so i started fooling around to pass the time since nothing's going to work anyway. in the end, or until recently, i thought, im just fooling myself.
then i started to wonder, "maybe i was right in the first place". maybe im supposed to be that weird guy who likes to live alone. the thing is, the reason i answered "i dont know" when i asked myself if i can truly love another person with the same love my client/parents exhibited is because when i tried to look back at the women i liked and imagined if things did work out with them, i thought, im not sure if my feelings for them will stay the same for decades. but can i really answer it now? or can anyone answer it right away? that they can love a person in sickness and in health til death comes for one of them? when they answer, arent they really answering in present tense? anyway, my point is, i thought, maybe that is why i dont have an intense desire to be in a relationship with anyone. im not fully convinced its for me. of course, people will say, its because i havent met that girl that would really change the way i think or transform me into that normal person. well, if thats true, then why cant i shake off the hunch that its my high school self that i should be listening to? why am i scared of actually meeting someone that will change me? or to put it in another way, why am i more interested in maintaining the current state of things? even though i say "wouldnt it be nice to be in a relationship", i dont think im entirely for it. a part of me finds it unacceptable. actually, most of me is against being in a relationship. its just im capable of actually loving a person and a part of me feels bad that i dont get to use it. its frustrating to have something great lying around in some corner unused. issues. i have commitment and attachment issues. i think. well, i promised myself to start this week right, so i cant be up all night even if i have demons to fight.
crap. its 1am already. if im going to start this week right, i better be at mcdonalds by sunrise
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