Im tired of magic tricks...I dont want to be fooled

Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"."- Cutter

im a sucker for aegyo

the "puss in boots" face, them lips! them hips! cant believe they didnt release this way back in 2008. for a cover song, its better than Duffy's...im just a sucker for aegyo.

return of the insomniac

so i roamed the city streets at past midnight. my feet were restless. well, ive been restless for weeks. as much as possible i dont want to be indoors during the night. sigh. anyway, i saw this old man, probably in his 60s or 70s. he was wearing a cap, sunglasses (yup, sunglasses at 1 in the morning), and lighting a fucking cigarette. and he was just loitering there, sitting under a tree, like "meh. i really dont have anything else to do and i dont feel like sleeping". he doesnt look like someone who sleeps on the streets. he's like someone who's bored and decided to just go out and roam. then i thought "am i going to end up like him? bored and alone at 1am, smoking a cig under a tree, on a polluted highway, watching fucking cars speed by". thats what im doing now. the only difference is im walking and not just sitting there idly. but to be doing the same thing for decades? crap. that sucks. fuck. that fucking sucks.

hopefully im going to die in three years. if recurring visions are true. if not, crap. i already have a plan in case the high school hunch does push through but, the thing with plans, or my plans, is that life tends to mess it up. just for the sake of messing with me. cmon life. give me a break. ive been putting up with your shit for years and i dont ask for anything in return. or if i did ask for anything, i promptly gave something in return. so stop being a prick? okay? dont undo what i have done. i really, really would like to be a nice guy. but if you keep messing things up, you know i can be a pain in the fucking ass. im going to be that stubborn kid with a fucking tantrum. im going to give death the finger for being a fucking pussy. cmon death. what the fuck? are you life's bitch? yeah. i think i just lost some screws on my way home. and they say today is the end of the fucking world. holy shit. life, piss me off and this is going to be end of the world as we know it.

damn it. i need to get some sleep. i dont know what im saying anymore. nothing good happens after 2am so i better shut my mouth before life gets pissed off and take some drastic measures to keep me in line. sorry life (and death), im really not myself right now. 

breaking stuff since 1983

this week has been about breaking stuff. or things getting broken.

Smoking:
Yup. After quitting a few years ago, i managed to pick up that wonderful stick of cigarette. Holy crap. I missed it so much! I have been craving for it for weeks. The craving was really driving me nuts. I was having that imaginary taste of nicotine in my mouth. So when i finally gave in, it was like "good God! im sorry but fuck! why cant i smoke this everyday?!" Fortunately, i can still control myself well enough that i havent picked up a second stick since then. But lately, ive been catching myself staring at women at the smoker's area in restaurants. they must think im looking at them but im actually eyeing the cigarette stick theyre holding between their fingers. well, if they're hot, im also eyeing them but fuck! what i really want is that cigarette stick!


Simbang Gabi:
I managed to complete Simbang Gabi two years in a row. Not this year. I havent even attended one. Crap. Well, God, this wasnt part of the promise i made back in 2009. i never made an offer to attend Simbang Gabi. so, i didnt break our deal. So far ive managed to comply with my end of the bargain. if i havent, send some lightning my way. or actually hit me with lightning. it doesnt really matter to me anymore. And im sorry if im taking too long with the communion thing. You have to admit, im finding it difficult to forgive myself. My condition was, and still is, im going to start receiving holy communion when im ready. for a person who is commonly perceived as an atheist, i take my faith and worship seriously.


Running Shoes:
Plus broke. sort of. while walking inside the mall, my right running shoe felt weird. when i checked it half an hour later (yup, it took me half an hour to reach that level of curiosity why my right running shoe felt weird while walking), part of the sole was already detached. do i fix it or buy another pair? im thinking both.


Woman's Heart:
Yeah. i really dont like breaking women's hearts. actually i dont break women's hearts...intentionally. im the one who usually gets his heart broken. But i have to. Christmas is just around the corner so i better break it before Christmas. damn it! Why cant "im really busy right now. most likely im going to be busy until election time" a sufficient hint? i stopped answering her text messages too. Why would someone insist on texting a person who hasnt answered for days? and the last text message i sent was "sorry, im really busy. i have no time". come to think of it, i also experienced being at the other end. but i got the hint after a couple of days of being ignored. i was just bored thats why i kept pestering her. why do we have to complicate things?

then fast forward a few years later, theyre going to be in some law office, complaining about their partners. people have the knack for choosing the wrong person for the wrong reasons. usually, its really a matter of being more logical during the time you were making that crucial choice which to keep and which to let go. sometimes im tempted to say, "when you chose that partner of yours, what were you thinking? oh. wait, you werent thinking. and now youre crying your eyes out? what happened to the other person? is she or he better off compared to you?" well, if i said this, my client would probably unleash hell in my office since im not really helping. meh. what do i know? i just keep on moving until i reach the end of the journey. the unbaggable mr. kite.

i should be writing more. posting vids is just plain lazy

im starting to rediscover the music i used to listen to

As long as its still about me then why not.

Today, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know that ..

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

God loves you with the very air you breathe, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

haaay. Joyce Pring...

i told her that i like her...more than a friend.

tapos ang sagot ni luningning: you know what? i like you too...but youre like a brother to me.

Boom!

Kkab Yul

because i dont have time to watch youtube videos :(

i noticed that i havent been practicing my writing skills lately thus the rusty fingertips

to give my average "literary" brain a little squeeze...

a few days ago i celebrated my birthday. voluntarily. im not the type...or i used to be the type of person who hates his birthday. not that i dont like growing old...well, i do but thats not the reason for my dislike for the day of my birth. its just people tend to make a big deal out of it. people remember it more than i do and they want to make it special and i find that stressful. or i used to find it stressful. im not used to receiving such kind of love from a lot of people. or im just that type who really doesnt like to be loved. its like i feel i need to return the favor. like the time my college blockmates gave me a gift on my birthday. i was happy of course but a part of me felt obligated to be nice or do something in return. thats why one my blockmates started teasing me and telling our law school blockmates the way i reacted, that it was insulting, just to drive her point that i dont have to feel burdened. well, that didnt work. im known for being stubborn.

it was only this year that i started to embrace the idea that my birthday really should be a day dedicated to celebrating one's life and not a day for things happening according to what i want. add the fact that i think i finally restored a healthy level of inner peace, where i can honestly say that im living a life with no regrets (well, this is prospective in nature and therefore does not retroact to the period of my life where i lost my "inner peace" so therefore, i now have what i call "the 8 year window" where ive done a lot of regretful things. im thinking if i should make a list similar to earl hickey).

anyway, like i said, people make a fuss about my birthday. given that i gave my consent to celebrate my birthday, my parents started planning and preparing what to do. since i dont know how to cook, i just volunteered to buy dozens of donuts, pancit and pizza. fortunately, the celebration at home went well. the office celebration went well too but it didnt really go very smoothly during the planning stage. i had to pacify an officemate a bit when he felt that another officemate ruined my birthday celebration plans. during that time, i remembered a client who also manifested the same kind of resentment and hatred, this time to our opposing lawyer. my client was really trying to convince me to resort to the same kind of strategy our opposing lawyer was doing, which was throwing malevolent, baseless and offensive statements to the opposing party. i kept replying that im not that kind of lawyer and im not that kind of person who's easily affected by offensive statements. the client just replied "mabait ka kasi attorney", looking disappointed. what did she expect? anyway, we sort of won the case so i proved that doing things my way is good enough. im digressing. damn it.

so i celebrated my birthday and it was the first time since i was a teenager that i actually enjoyed celebrating my birthday. if im not mistaken, the last time i really enjoyed celebrating my birthday at home was when i was 13. the subsequent birthdays just felt burdensome. people like to celebrate it more than i do. or thats how i saw it. i really found it stressful that they're more happy that i exist compared to my level of satisfaction for my existence.  and they always talk about politics during gatherings. since i was just a highschool student or college student or law student, i really dont have good opinions or capable of contributing to the discussion at my clan's level. their experience really makes whatever stuff i learn from academic institutions look like scraps of paper in a trash bin. or thats how i felt. now, things have changed. now that im a lawyer, im burdened that my words are worth something. but at least this is better since there's a sense of recognition. well, thats what i think. meh. point is, i enjoyed my birthday this year and that's something i havent done for quite some time.

wow. im really struggling to write something as easy as a blog entry.

i think im going to fail to surpass my self for the 2nd straight year

im having one of those days where im anticipating something and at the same time surprised about it as if it was something unexpected. take today for example. ive been counting down to december since i have marked this day as a deadline. i was too focused on thinking of the end of november that i failed to realize that december comes after. stupid isnt it? missing the obvious is one of my peculiar traits (like feigning ignorance, acting stupid, walking contradiction, etc. as i grow older, i become more convinced that having a brain like mine is a curse). anyway, after hours of counting down as november 2012 fades into nothingness, i was suddenly surprised a few minutes ago its december already. what the? its like half of me knew that its december already since ive been waiting for november to end while the other half is just absolutely clueless. i was really surprised to see the date on my computer clock that its the 1st of december already.

this explains how my right hand can do things which my left hand is completely unaware of. not literally of course. this trait somewhat resembles absentmindedness but not quite. its more of being on autopilot. residual consciousness. if i set my mind on something, i mean, if i get too focused on something, i start to have tunnel vision. but the trick is, dont let one's entire attention be sucked in it. its the voice at the back of one's mind. so while my attention is deeply focused on something, the subconscious tries to gather a small amount of consciousness to make mental notes. once i achieve enough focus to go on autopilot, the two forms of consciousness switch places.

now that i have passed my neuro exam and i have been declared as sane, i can now be open again about my weirdness and other eccentricities.