this "godhood resolution" is much more difficult than expected. whenever im making progress, whenever im starting to get my old life back, whenever im about to make a run for it to put my plans on full throttle, the universe manifests its vehement opposition and pushes me back down to the ground. its like climbing out of a pit and suddenly crashing back to the bottom because someone is ensuring i dont get out of it.
i think i understand now why the thing i prevented from happening last year happened. i just gave the universe a way to stop me. or the universe allowed it to happen in order to have something to stop me. sneaky bastard. now, i see that face wherever i look and i freeze and my mind shuts down. it cant be. im supposed to have forgotten what she looks like. it just keeps finding ways to challenge my decision and i keep finding countermeasures to strengthen my resolve. if there's anything im sure of, its the fact that im going to win against the universe this time. im going to do whatever it takes. i'll keep burning bridges if i have to. never trust the universe. i shouldnt have broken that rule. now i need to figure out a way to develop an immunity from it.come to think of it, nothing good happens whenever i break my rules. i should put all my rules in writing.
anyway, good news is, im in goddamn good health. i havent been sick since December last year. i mean, really sick. i only get headaches once every two months at the most or a negligible runny nose that lasts for only a few hours or some cough that lasts for a couple of days. that's despite the fact that im pushing myself to my limit (thats the only way you become better). i dont rest and i have my vices back(all you need is alcohol, something to smoke and some risky activity and youre all set. thats enough to beat the boredom).
im a consultant/liaison officer for a GOCC during the day and a consultant for a law office during the night and weekends. Im also available for legal consultation and render legal advice to my acquaintances and relatives. that's like three work hats. and i only get paid for my day job (and i dont even get my salary regularly). i work 7 days a week with weekdays having 14 work hours. my brother even found it weird that when my saturday plans were cancelled last weekend, my idea for making the most out of it was spending the entire day in the office working on a pleading. my pre-law school self would kill me if he sees that i work alone inside an office all day. he wanted to have an outdoor work with trees and nature shit, constantly travelling and never holed up indoors. well, reality bites.
no rest, no fun and i dont get sick. sure i have a bad left knee but that only prevents me from running or walking fast. other than that, im A-Ok. im proof that a busy, depressing lifestyle doesnt make you less healthy. ive managed to channel my apparent limitless energy to my work thus improving my productivity. the only thing stopping me from fully exploiting this "immunity from illness" is the universe thus preventing me from taking it to the next level. i can make up for the four years ive lost if the universe will just stop interfering with my plans
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
i guess im incredibly intelligent
Hemingway is credited to having said that "happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know".
happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.
just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.
i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.
point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.
going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:
The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer
amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.
happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.
just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.
i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.
point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.
going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:
The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer
amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.
Monday, September 16, 2013
ho-hum
GWR: hey! what's up?
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx xxx xxx
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx xxx xxx
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