Sweetest downfall

Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

My greatest regret?

Not being able to throw that surprise birthday party. I really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. But it wasn't the right thing to do under the circumstances then.

So i regret doing the right thing? Well, im certainly not happy choosing to do the right thing. But then again, happiness is simply a state of mind.

for the nth time, I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope

people keep asking how come i dont have a girlfriend (after convincing them that i really dont have one). i honestly wish im gay (recently ive been wishing that a lot). it would be much easier to explain why im single.

unfortunately, im not gay. i cant make myself be attracted to guys. i just dont see what can make guys attractive when they dont have them loveable woman parts and have faces that are...well, guy-ish. i dont know. all guys look the same to me. and friends keep telling me that if i were gay, it wont really change anything. i dont think so. i think if i were gay, i wont be single.

actually, its not the being single part that's bothering me. its the "i keep trying but i keep failing" part that's really getting on my nerves. recently, i allowed myself to like another girl. she was great. really promising. that's why even if i told myself to stay away from her and not do anything, i ended up trying again. and i fell...again. thankfully, i didnt fall for her as deeply as the one that preceded her (God, i concede, You got me there. that one really brought me down to my knees. until now, just the thought of it still overwhelms me. if there's anything that could make me believe in You and Your power over me, she would be it. actually, her very existence somehow made me believe in You. i guess that's why i was so pissed because ive never felt so weak and vulnerable after You've made Your point. damn it God. i still hate You for it. but yeah, if I were You, i would have done the same thing. i guess that's the only way i will see (or feel) how much ive hurt others by feeling how painful it is to be in such situation. it was really well played. i honestly believed...yeah, if only my brain was on top of things then, i would have seen it for what it is)

anyway, even if i didnt fall deep enough for this girl, it still makes me feel bad because it just proves that i cant have the girls that i want. much as i want to be that guy who will try to make her happy for the rest of her life, if she doesnt want me to be that guy, well, there's nothing i can do. of course, im still hoping im wrong (i always hope im wrong. unfortunately, i always end up right and i just have to accept it after some time and move on and hope to find another girl until i get it right. or until my heart decides to give up and literally stop. it really doesnt want to stop beating) but i wont make her settle for anything less than what she wants in the same way i wont settle for anything less than what i want. ive tried that, and it only made me miserable (and also messed up the girl to the point she joked she will file a VAWC case for psychological abuse for making her feel inadequate. yeah. ive had my share of crazies).

Sorry V

"Night gathers and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the night's watch for this night and all the nights to come." - Night's Watch Vow

...eat, drink, and whore myself into an early grave. - Robert Baratheon

some friends have been trying to convince me to choose someone who will help me acquire...power. or at least, put me in a politically advantageous position. half a decade ago, i would have easily done so. i would do it in a heartbeat as long as there's a good reason to do it.

now, i find it difficult to see its benefit. or why i should still do it. because now, i know what makes me happy. or ive been made aware that someone close to what i want exists. i used to think that it's impossible to find so many traits i desired in one person. well, knowing she exists doesn't really help. i cant have her. there are a few things in life im certain of and one of them is that i cant have her. i knew right from the start that it's not meant to be. well, having feelings really clouds one's judgment and i ended up trying anyway, hoping im wrong. im never wrong. or at least no one has proven me wrong.

but despite what i feel or what i know or what i've become, i would like to believe i still am someone capable of doing it. just because.

Game of Thrones: Season 1, Episode 5 - The Wolf and the Lion

Robert Baratheon: We haven't had a real fight in nine years. Back-stabbing doesn't prepare you for a fight. And that's all the realm is now: back-stabbing and scheming and arse-licking and money-rubbing. Sometimes I don't know what holds it together.
Cersei Lannister: Our marriage.

Robert Baratheon: So here we sit, seventeen years later, holding it all together. Don't you get tired?
Cersei Lannister: Every day.
Robert Baratheon: How long can hate hold a thing together?
Cersei Lannister: Seventeen years is quite a long time.
Robert Baratheon: Yes, it is.
Cersei Lannister: Yes, it is.

Cersei Lannister: What was she like?
Robert Baratheon: You've never asked about her, not once. Why now?
Cersei Lannister: At first, just saying her name even in private felt like I was breathing life back into her. I thought if I didn't talk about her, she'd just fade away for you. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I refused to ask out of spite. I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of thinking I cared enough to ask. And eventually it became clear that my spite didn't mean anything to you. As far as I could tell, you actually enjoyed it.
Robert Baratheon: So why now?
Cersei Lannister: What harm could Lyanna Stark's ghost do to either of us that we haven't done to each other a hundred times over?
Robert Baratheon: You want to know the horrible truth? I can't even remember what she looked like. I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted... someone took her away from me, and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind.
Cersei Lannister: I felt something for you once, you know?
Robert Baratheon: I know.
Cersei Lannister: Even after we lost our first boy. For quite a while, actually. Was it ever possible for us? Was there ever a time, ever a moment?
Robert Baratheon:No.

i guess its the start of something new?

lost my phone the other day. i was really distracted.

i was on my way to a seminar in ortigas. i used a different backpack because i prefer using the samsonite backpack when im bringing my laptop because its more "laptop friendly". problem with the samsonite bag is that its less secure than the europak one, the one i use daily when i go to work. the fact its less secure means i need to pay more attention to my bag more than usual. so thats one of the things occupying my attention.

since im on my way to a seminar, it means i wont be able to do office work (well, not conveniently anyway) and i have deadlines to meet. i need to submit something to an oversight government agency and a position paper for the Senate. so i have that running in my mind too while on my way to the seminar.

usually, i plug my earphones during the commute so i wont have to think about my phone getting snatched from my pocket. but on that particular morning, my mind was too busy processing stuff that i didnt feel like listening to any tunes. plus, im running late.

anyway, there i was, second in line behind a girl, hands in my pocket. lenovo cellphone in my left pocket, wallet and samsung cellphone on my right. i noticed the guy behind me when i checked how long our line was (it wasnt long) but didnt pay much attention. when the train arrived, as usual, people are pushing for positions. but the guy behind me was pushing harder than usual that i almost lost my balance. my left hand reached for the metal bar to support myself then i placed my hand again in my left pocket. that's when i realized my phone was stolen. it took only a few seconds. fuck. the train's moving already and i moved back to the train doors to block the train's doors. i announced that there's a pickpocket among the crowd but no one reacted. dammit.

upon reaching the next station, i called one of the guards and told him someone stole my phone. i tried asking him if he recognizes anyone from the group. after a few minutes, we decided to just report the incident since i cant identify anyone who snatched my phone.

thereafter, i called some friends who can help me change the passwords of my email accounts and passwords in social networking sites. cant have these accounts compromised. then i thought about my phone's SD card. do i have photos/videos that shouldnt leak? then i realized that most of my photos there are photos of women, weed and alcohol (or women and alcohol, or the girl that provides weed. or sex, drugs and alcohol because of pics of motel rooms and hotel corridors). holy crap. im a rock star.

meh. that life is gone anyway. im now reduced to that guy who's sober for months, eats mostly fish and wheat bread with a sex life of absolutely zero. at least my sexercise has been replaced with running/jogging and im now thinking of going back to the MMA gym. yeah. clean living. i dont like it but its what's good for me. gotta do whats good.

anyway, this is one of the last photos my phone took. it was supposed to be a pic depicting my way of living which is to live life close to the edge or reflect the first step in the first few lines in the walter mitty movie quote, "to see the world, things dangerous to come to". go wherever i want to go, reach for the horizon and enjoy life. the sky isnt even the limit.  i guess Mustang wont be with me to continue this journey

while everyone's sleeping...

im working.

this always gives the impression im a workaholic when i think im really not. it just so happens that i do what i feel like doing. for example, when im in the office, i dont work during the full eight to ten hours im there. sometimes i sleep, i go out and roam or have long lunch breaks (there are days when i dont work at all and just sit there and do nothing). the only time i work intensely is when im beating a deadline (and i rarely miss a deadline). 

during vacations or out of town trips, i always bring work with me. i brought some work stuff during the surfing trip in la union, during my cousin's wedding back in 2009, during the thanksgiving celebration of a friend in batangas, etc.

and i do work (like now. some say its pretentious to bring work stuff but i really do work). its not like i only work during these trips. i enjoy my stay too but at the same time, i want to remain productive. or in case im in the mood to work, i want to be able to work. the same way that when im in the office and i feel like i want to unwind a bit, i roam or i eat somewhere nice.

anyway, for tonight, this is my tagaytay team

my old lenovo laptop, Grimlock, used to be my travel companion. in the five years ive used it on a daily basis and brought it wherever i went, it only crashed once. now, it sits in my makati office. i still use it daily but i no longer bring it with me because ive replaced it with another lenovo laptop, Diablo, which i also use on a daily basis at home, which is now my current travel buddy.

thank you. now i understand

always getting pushed into a corner

i was sitting in a coffee shop with my siblings when a sudden realization struck me. all good things always come to an end. to be more specific, the things i grow fond of always get taken away. the nice korean restaurant, the blue soda body spray, the dos equis beer.

then i thought, when i decided to walk away from something i knew i will regret for the rest of my life, i was confident i was prepared for it. i mean, i know how to recover from a loss. i know how to get back up. there's nothing any person can tell me that i didnt already know (or i havent done). ive been through a fucking lot so i know what to expect and how to address it. well, life is a bitch. didnt expect that whenever i manage to get back up, it kicks me in the nuts so i'll stay down.

"oh, youve found a way to be happy to get over from that thing you walked away from? well, you cant have it. you cant have good food, you cant have booze even if you only drink in moderate amounts, you're not allowed to satisfy your sweet tooth, you cant smoke, youre not allowed to enjoy the company of friends, im going to make sure that you always screw up at work, that your left knee always acts up so you cant roam or travel, that going home will always be the last thing you will want to do because you absolutely hate it, you also cant revert to the old life of simply dating women for pleasure, and you cant date those promising nice girls too because some kind of illness will always come your way to prevent you from even starting to ask them out. and every time you find something that will make life bearable at the very least, you get a kick in the nuts to remind you that you swore youre ready to regret your decision for the rest of your life. just making sure that you know that this is what you decided to have and didnt trade anything to receive anything good out of life"

life, you know im a stubborn idiot. ill manage. i always do.

Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs. - Barney Stinson

damn it kelly brook! youre making want to buy expensive stuff!

and wish there are sexy female barbers.

Dita Von Teese!!!!

so lovely and graceful. *sigh*

good thing i still have my lighter. wait...they just fixed the smoke detector. damn it!

i was cleaning my office when this happened. i realized i havent opened my office drawer for almost a year.

i decided to clean my office since i cant focus on my work and i have no one to talk to. even the crazy chick is busy. might as well do something productive.

i remember i started to get the hint with "effort. thanks". good thing i didnt pick up the pencil and paper again. i havent drawn anything seriously since 2004. drawing portraits take time (i dont even know if i can still draw one since i need the right mood for it in order to be able to draw something good. or come up with something artistic). maybe my artistic side isnt really meant to be used. or using my thing for planning for surprises. maybe i should focus on pranks instead. its both surprising and creative and the end result of good planning.

anyway, i think its karma's way of saying "you only get what you give. the Golden Rule applies to everyone mothafucka!".

Sadako, won't you tell me what it is that scares you?

If I could be reborn... 

...even though it would violate the will of God himself... 

...I would want to be at your side...

...with you.

 If it were all a dream... 

...when I awoke... 

...if only you were there. 

But the light of morning shows me as I really am. 

Still I want to say... 

...I love you.

“A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth" - Barney Stinson

i guess i will live to see 2014

a lot happened this year. i fell for someone, i went corporate, i met a terrible accident, one of my best friends died while another best friend got married, got stranded due to a supertyphoon and family matters got complicated. i guess those are the highlights.

tough year. really tough. whatever doesnt kill you make you stronger they say. well, im not getting any younger so it becomes more difficult to stay strong. physically at least.

ive been driving my van lately and it keeps...dying. after the accident, i had it fixed. it took months because it really had a bad crash. but i guess after all the repairs, it will never be the same again. it will always have that scar no matter how much i try to hide it. it might keep on dying on me no matter how many times i have it repaired. the crash really did mess it up. it looks good on the outside but its not really doing well. actually, if anyone would take a closer look at it, its "wounds" from the accident are still there. i guess thats permanent because the repair guys said theyve done everything. unfortunately, they just cant remove the stains and cant fix the small dents.

in a way, im no different from my van. i may not be taking meds for some maintenance shit like some of my friends or havent undergone some surgery or had a serious illness but i grow weak each day. im not even sure if what im having is some simple back pain or some kidney problem. or why my left knee is taking months to get better. or why my left middle finger always feels injured. i easily get bruises and muscle pains. i wont be surprised if my lungs start acting up. my heart already feels its struggling in pumping blood. i dont know. its been a tough year. had to consume all the booze that i can drink, eat all the meat and sweets i can get, smoke all the cigs and weed i can smoke, and date the women i can easily hook up with. well, whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

then there's the crazy chick who keeps making me realize...stuff. i feel bad for...us. but then again, as she pointed out, she was the one who made the first move. i never make the first move. she keeps pointing out traits she hates about me which somehow explains why things will never work out for me. i act like a genie. i dont act or do things unless im asked. i may make all the wishes come true but i have to be asked first. well, as my first employer said, i lack the initiative. but i never fail to deliver. but thats not what girls want. they want to be desired, loved, cared for, feel special...without asking the guy. i almost said that i already did those to other women and that didnt work out but i decided to shut up because if i get asked why i did that to other women and not to her, the answer is obvious. i dont need another drama episode. then i realized...all i really want is to have fun. have some adventure. i guess im not a relationship person. im impatient, im always skeptical when things are too good to be true, i always think everything is temporary or everything ends and all i think about is myself. 

i hope someday, if i live long enough in 2014, i would stop lying to myself and admit that i did fall in love and unfortunately, i was too scared to acknowledge it and i walked away because i refused to believe it was possible. that it is in fact possible to care for someone more than anyone else, including myself. that it is possible to see eternity despite the knowledge that life is short. that one can find inner peace in a struggle. that you can just find yourself doing things for someone just to make her happy without expecting anything in return or even thinking about it. that there are things you just know even if it lacks rhyme or reason. well, better luck next time. if there is a next time.

12 days shy of one year. he was really pissed

hey, you were right. would have appreciated to hear your thoughts on the matter. but then again, you may have implied it was going to end sooner or later when you said "enjoy it lang pare". was i that clueless? hopeful? or hopeless? in any case, im sorry for being a disappointment. just realized that your last text message was about her.

cant believe this song's been stuck with me since July 2012.

 

imma win this time

this "godhood resolution" is much more difficult than expected. whenever im making progress, whenever im starting to get my old life back, whenever im about to make a run for it to put my plans on full throttle, the universe manifests its vehement opposition and pushes me back down to the ground. its like climbing out of a pit and suddenly crashing back to the bottom because someone is ensuring i dont get out of it.

i think i understand now why the thing i prevented from happening last year happened. i just gave the universe a way to stop me. or the universe allowed it to happen in order to have something to stop me. sneaky bastard. now, i see that face wherever i look and i freeze and my mind shuts down. it cant be. im supposed to have forgotten what she looks like. it just keeps finding ways to challenge my decision and i keep finding countermeasures to strengthen my resolve. if there's anything im sure of, its the fact that im going to win against the universe this time. im going to do whatever it takes. i'll keep burning bridges if i have to. never trust the universe. i shouldnt have broken that rule. now i need to figure out a way to develop an immunity from it.come to think of it, nothing good happens whenever i break my rules. i should put all my rules in writing.

anyway, good news is, im in goddamn good health. i havent been sick since December last year. i mean, really sick. i only get headaches once every two months at the most or a negligible runny nose that lasts for only a few hours or some cough that lasts for a couple of days. that's despite the fact that im pushing myself to my limit (thats the only way you become better). i dont rest and i have my vices back(all you need is alcohol, something to smoke and some risky activity and youre all set. thats enough to beat the boredom).

im a consultant/liaison officer for a GOCC during the day and a consultant for a law office during the night and weekends. Im also available for legal consultation and render legal advice to my acquaintances and relatives. that's like three work hats. and i only get paid for my day job (and i dont even get my salary regularly). i work 7 days a week with weekdays having 14 work hours. my brother even found it weird that when my saturday plans were cancelled last weekend, my idea for making the most out of it was spending the entire day in the office working on a pleading. my pre-law school self would kill me if he sees that i work alone inside an office all day. he wanted to have an outdoor work with trees and nature shit, constantly travelling and never holed up indoors. well, reality bites.

no rest, no fun and i dont get sick. sure i have a bad left knee but that only prevents me from running or walking fast. other than that, im A-Ok. im proof that a busy, depressing lifestyle doesnt make you less healthy. ive managed to channel my apparent limitless energy to my work thus improving my productivity. the only thing stopping me from fully exploiting this "immunity from illness" is the universe thus preventing me from taking it to the next level. i can make up for the four years ive lost if the universe will just stop interfering with my plans

i guess im incredibly intelligent

Hemingway is credited to having said that "happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know".

happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.

just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.

i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.

point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.

going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:

The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer

amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.

ho-hum

GWR: hey! what's up?
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx             xxx              xxx