Nooooo!!! why S8E02!? why!?

why kill the character in HIMYM that i really like! damn it!!!!

well, not literally dead. its just, why cant she stay for at least half a season longer? or maybe the character isnt dead yet. maybe she's still going to remain as a "non-romantic partner" member of the cast? unlikely. but im hoping. maybe ive grown attached to the character because she reminds me of someone. maybe its a good thing the character is gone? i dont know. i just really liked her character. i think.

im no longer excited to watch episode 3. sigh.

cyber say what now?

so netizens are protesting the cyber crime law. i dont think we can blame most of the senators who signed it for such blunder (meaning there's a couple or maybe a single senator that can be held accountable for it). i mean, when you review a bill, its not as simple as just reading it (and im going to assume that our legislators involved in it had no ulterior motives in its passage). without going into the behind the scenes part, sometimes you ask the authors why the bill needs to be passed and by the time they read it, some of their minds have been conditioned the same way a salesperson conditions the mind of a buyer. you tend to miss some details, details that the salesperson wants the buyer not to notice. im not trying to protect the lapse made by the senators, im just saying we dont live in an ideal world and its not as simple as most people think. and this is already a very simplified version on how a draft bill is considered and reviewed in an ideally realistic setting.

im against the cyber crime law for the simple reason that it is prone to abuse and gives the unconstitutional license to abridge freedom of expression and free speech (so the law itself isnt as bad as it looks, if the State wont abuse its provisions. but like im going to discuss, its very unlikely that the law wont be abused). i think this is what the senators missed. we dont live in an ideal world. much as they want to "regulate", if not "supress" abusive use of the freedom of expression (like any freedom given by the Constitution, there's a limitation), the law, unfortunately, makes it possible for the "regulator" or the State to abuse the law as well. herein lies my problem with it. as Friedrich Engels said "some laws of state aimed at curbing crime are more criminal". if only there's an assurance that the law wont be abused, the law itself can achieve its ends without trampling on the citizens' constitutionally given freedoms. unfortunately, with the current state of the law, the government cannot give such assurance. sure no law is perfect, but not because no law is perfect means we arent going to strive to make it better. thats why amendments can be made. to make it adapt to the changing socio-political and economic environment. i think what pissed off the netizens is that this law is so imperfect that obvious amendments could have been done before its passage.

in a completely unrelated note, one senator is saying that the provisions on libel is needed because of the abusive conduct of netizens. im sorry but ive been receiving such "abusive conduct" since grade school from my grade school teachers during class, with manifest malicious intent, yet that didnt bother me for the simple reason that im not insecure or gosh darn sensitive. ive been called names, insulted without much provocation and all i did was prove them wrong. i didnt cry about it. i didnt whine about it. i didnt ask anyone to shut them people up. why? because i was mature enough, at the age of 9, to handle criticism, whether baseless or not. you make your own reputation. other people wont be able to tarnish your reputation if you are a well-respected person. people will defend you, will act on your behalf, if you are a person worth protecting. now, if you cant handle people calling you names, you must really think of yourself as someone so high and mighty with a god-complex. you dont demand respect. you earn it.

holy crap! what does it mean!?

im still haunted by the two digit number 59. is it psychological? i dont think so. there came a time (maybe a week or two) that i didnt see or notice the number. but since last week, ive been encountering it frequently. again!

its on my stored value MRT ticket (balance: P59.00). its on the digital clock when i check the time (the time is 9:59). its on my receipt (your change is P20.59). its my order number (your order will be given in 10 minutes sir, here's your queue number: 59). so is it like jim carrey's film the number 23? i better check my fantasy basketball roster and see if i drafted a player with a 59 jersey. maybe he's going to be my lucky player. i cant really see any reason why i keep noticing the number 59. certainly, it cant correspond to number of days or months since there's no starting day or month to peg on. i cant recall when i started to feel i was being haunted by this number. i certainly hope it does not correspond to the age of the woman im going to like. thats just...unimaginable. age of my death? it doesnt make sense to be aware of it now. is it really just meaningless? the universe's way of playing a joke? well, i can see the humor in it. or is it a sign like the little black dress? or is the little black dress a joke too? meh. in any case, im going to shrug it off since its really vague. this is just a note to self

Finally!

HIMYM Season 8!

Episode Quote:

Klaus:	Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She’s my beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand…it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it’s not quite. That is Victoria to me.
Ted:	How do you know she’s not lebenslangerschicksalsschatz? Maybe as the years go by she’ll get lebenslangerschicksalsschatz…ier?
Klaus:	lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin…have you ever felt this way about someone?
Ted:	…I think so.
Klaus:	If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.
Ted:	And you’re absolutely sure you’ll find that someday?
Klaus:	Of course. Everyone does eventually…you just never know when or where.

Source: http://how-i-met-your-mother.wikia.com/wiki/Farhampton

Kim Hyoyeon

sort of hit the spot. sort of.

its 1am and im having trouble sleeping. so what do i do? go to facebook. then a pop message appeared at the corner of my screen and its says "God wants You to know". and here is what God wants me to know, according to the pop-up message: 

"On this day of your life, Tristofer, we believe God wants you to know ... that every time you pretend to love, you impoverish yourself more and more.

Love has great potential to enrich your life. But if you are just playing a role, pretending to love, it's only going to poison you. Because you are teaching yourself that it's just a game, and slowly but surely you will lose the capacity to open in love."

i dont normally read this "God wants You to know" pop-up but since its 1am and im trying to make myself sleepy, i gave it a try. 

i would like to react on the message but since im starting to feel drowsy, i better take advantage of it before it goes away. i really need to go to sleep since i have an early appointment with a client. 

still a Sone

before Psy's Gangnam Style, there was...Carly Rae's Call Me Maybe. since i learned about this song when people already heard too much of it, im not sick and tired of it...yet.

i remember my siblings asking me if ive heard this song and they were surprised when i said i have no clue what the crap they were talking about. whats more surprising is the fact i havent seen its full music video. ive seen parts of it but i havent really watched it completely. the music video doesnt appeal to me. thankfully (or maybe not) someone made a video of visually pleasing entities and added Jepsen's annoyingly addictive song.

actually, im just trying to come up with something or write anything that would allow me to post the video. 

Phase 2 is now in effect

ive been testing theories about myself for months (just being the usually self-centered me). its part of the project called "merging personalities". not that i actually have multiple personalities but i adjust my self to whomever im facing. thats why im such an inconsistent person. or appear to be. ive been trying to pin point parts of those different "personalities" which are worth keeping, and discarding those traits that are...counter productive (or to put it in ordinary terms, determining one's strengths and weaknesses and addressing the weaknesses by getting rid of it). so merging these traits is like creating a stronger, better, faster, harder...me (or again, in simple terms, self-improvement). as if my ego isnt big enough, i had to fortify it with this to make it grow as large as jupiter...but this time i will inject myself with a dose of humility to make thy ego look like the size of what used to be a planet called pluto, or maybe much smaller...like the moon (still big. damn it ego! shrink down!)

i think im done with the theory testing stage. ive confirmed some, debunked some. ive mapped out potentially effective approaches and outlined a mode of action. the difficult part is the timetable. i thought the theory testing will last for a few more months but it seems ive ran out of theories to test. i think its time for phase 2. all systems go!

am i happier or am i happier?

i think i am. im 60% happy. this is an improvement because im usually 50-50 or less, even 30% even. that was my normal state of mind (and i miss it). not depressed. im just naturally not a happy person ever since i changed to my current self way back in high school. and this is a big deal for everyone except me.

the reason i said i think im happier now is because im less cranky most of the time. i think i dont wear my scowl anymore. i would say im 70% happy when i can readily smile with ease, meaning i dont have to think about smiling or having a conscious effort to smile. at 60%, i only have that semi-forced smile. its not like im forcing myself to smile but since its not my natural tendency to do it, i cant express my smile automatically (so im happy inside but i dont naturally express it). i have to consciously switch it on, like "oh, this is where a smile is appropriate". this means my positive emotional level has not reached the point where i can make my smile operate on auto-pilot. for me 80% happy is when i laugh a lot. really laugh. 90% happy is when im extremely excited about something that my body language shows it. i get this with stuff or people i really like. 100% is that point above 90%. i think i have more room for happiness above 90% so thats why there's a 100%. maybe thats when the elusive creature called love hits me with a delightfully soft pillow containing a handful of bricks. thats got to be it. 100% happy is when you have both pain and pleasure and still sincerely smile because you really are happy.

the only thing in sight is what I must do

i believe ive reached the point where i dont think in my work anymore. lawyering should be like rallying an army of brain cells to get the job done. i mean, the reason i took up law is for the intellectual stimulation. now, i just use a handful of brain cells who cares to volunteer to think about the legal problem.

not that i mastered law itself. far from it. very far from it. i rarely master anything. its just my mind would rather be busy with non-legal matters and lawyering has reached a routinary point. like there's a template i can refer to with the kind of legal problems that i encounter. gone are the peculiar cases i got when i was still in the UP Office of Legal Aid (or my initial months in law practice). The cases assigned to me then made people wonder how in whose whatever's name such a case was accepted and why am i the one handling it. that is why a law blockmate joked, the reason it was assigned to me is because its challenging. i couldnt be given anything less. it was dubbed as the curious cases of tristofer troisvallees. my baseless reputation of being some genius precedes me.

i dont know. the older i get, the more i develop an aversion for intellectual stimulation (the same way i developed an aversion for beer and coffee). like, its overrated, its tiring and not worth it. i should spend my time in stuff i enjoy. problem is, what do i enjoy? thinking! well, i used to enjoy it. now, i just want my mind to be blank and be an airhead. sometimes i do feel envious of dumbasses.

this is the problem with merging personalities. i have to face personalities which directly contradicts the dominant personality and try to figure out how to assimilate it. sometimes i wonder whether im doing the right thing. but i already told myself months ago that when i pose such question before me, i should get rid of the doubt and answer "yes!" this has to be done. i think this wanna-be-airhead part of me is the side of me that hated my guts for growing up too fast, for taking life seriously at an early age. the one that asked why do i have to aim for superiority over ordinary people? why cant i let myself enjoy life the way it wanted me to? well, what can i say, idiots really pissed me off when i was in high school and i didnt want to be one of them.

going back to normal in 3,2,1...

i think my usual life has returned. i mean, august was...tolerable but a pain in the ass nonetheless. last august was much better than the previous ones (i wasnt as "unlucky" compared to the augusts of previous years) but maybe because it brought something tragic. my grandmother died last month and it really took me out of my daily routine.

my grandmother has been confined in a couple of hospitals for more than month before she died mid-august. i visited her...i think often enough. i saw her health deteriorate as weeks passed by. well there were times when she got better, then there were just days where her health just abruptly turned for the worse. so when the news came that she passed away, i was half-expecting it already. i mean, she died on a monday morning. i visited her two days before, or saturday afternoon to be exact and her condition then was the worst ive seen since i started visiting her. the next time i saw her, sunday night, she was already in a coma after being revived from a cardiac arrest.

im not close to my grandparents. my grandparents from my paternal side died when i was still in grade school. my maternal grandfather was an "absentee grandfather" and only returned when he was already very ill. he was probably clueless who the hell i was. my maternal grandmother, the only grandparent i really knew, was ok. we rarely talked. i dont know. i just didnt grow close to her and it made me feel like i grew up with no grandparents. only when i was asked to speak during her wake that i realized its not entirely true, i mean, feeling that i grew up with no grandparent.

i acknowledged my maternal grandmother as the head of the clan and in a way, she's the tie that binds all of us in our family. as i said in her wake, my grandmother is prone to favoritism and i am not one of her favorites. she has tendency to love the people around her in unequal amounts but that doesnt change the fact the she loves all of us. i may not be one of those who receives a lot of love from her but i cant deny the fact that she tried to express her love for me, in her own simple ways, no matter how little compared to my other cousins, just to make me feel that she does love me. to receive love from someone who underwent the kind of pain and suffering she experienced is something that should be appreciated for its comes from a person with such a big heart. to ask for more is to ask her to be perfect, which is unreasonable for my part since she has done so much when ive done so little or nothing at all for her. 

anyway, now she is resting in peace with the man she fell in love with and truly cared about. i honestly think she is in a much better place. and i am surprised that despite our very minimal interactions, i am going to miss her

this song will never be the same again...

well, maybe a little tainted. this song will now remind me of that night...i was asked to stay until 2:30am (which i did) despite the fact i have a court hearing/pretrial in a civil case hours later, which i have not adequately prepared for. so the opposing counsel was able to take advantage of the fact that my brain cells werent working that morning. and i risked my client's case for what? well, at that moment, it looked like she was worth it. seriously, its like one bad decision after another. i really gots to get rid of my pair of bad decision jeans.

anyway, i remember hearing this song way back when i was a little kid during the wonderful decade called the 80s. i associate this song with the 1986 movie "The Fly". of course, my memory may not be accurate but from what i remember...i was watching TV, sitting on the floor, channel 9, then there was this commercial about a film starring Jeff Goldblum which has some monster in it, with some night scenes of the 80s, and the background music was Roxette's Dangerous. this memory flashes in my head everytime i hear the song. i also remember the time i lost in a spelling bee when i was in Grade 1 because i forgot to write the letter "o" when i was spelling the word "dangerous".

im in the mood to be stubborn and hard to convince

i was supposed to have a court hearing today. but even before i put on my barong, i already read a tweet saying that the supreme court suspended work in metro manila courts. i was waiting for the announcement last night because i thought, even if it stopped raining, most likely, there are court personnel, clients and witnesses who might be in evacuation centers or badly hit by the "horrible" weather yesterday or wont be able to make it due to the flooded roads. the court hearings will be plagued by resettings. also, judges and lawyers are humans too with families of their own. the justice system in metro manila will have to adjust to the fortuitous event that occurred yesterday. but then again, the suspension might be for another purpose. im digressing.

despite the tweet stating that work in metro manila courts have been suspended, being the skeptic that i am, i tried to verify the truthfulness of the tweet by trying to trace its origin (like when i saw a photo of Girls' Generation's Sooyoung wearing a "I Heart Philippines" shirt. the photo really looked legit but i thought it had to be a fake. sure, she's been here in the Philippines so there is a possbility she bought a souvenir shirt but i dont think its something that she will wear as "airport fashion" and i dont recall any of them wearing souvenir shirts in the places theyve been to. in the end, it was really a fake photo). i couldnt trace the origin or the source of the information of the tweet so i had doubts whether its really true. irresponsible tweets plague twitter so i tried checking the supreme court website. no announcement. i checked twitter again, GMA news tweeted it. still, i doubted it since i want to see an article about it and not just a tweet saying according to so and so. checked Inquirer.net. theres an article saying that there is in fact a suspension but when i clicked the link, there's no article. crap. im not satisfied with just an article title, even if its from an online newspaper. just when i was about to wear my barong, i received a text message from our law office that the supreme court suspended work in the metro manila courts. still, im not 100% convinced. i wore my barong and went to the Hall of Justice, only to be told by the guard that the supreme court suspended work for today. only then did i text my client that we wont be having a hearing today.   

its better to be safe than sorry. in case the tweet wasnt true, it will be difficult to explain to the judge that the reason my client and i didnt attend today's hearing because i read a tweet saying that according to the supreme court spokesperson, the work in metro manila courts were suspended on 08 August 2012. the pretty judge in the court im supposed to be at would just say "really counsel? you expect me to accept such an explanation?"

damn it august! what are you up to?

unprecedented rain fell yesterday. while this is unfortunate for more or less thousands of citizens, probably even a million, this is, sadly, fortunate for me. i mean, fortunate in sense because i like rain. well, close to loving it actually. the cold weather yesterday was wonderful. not perfect to force me to use a blanket when i sleep, but enough to be wonderful. all i really want is cold weather.

last weekend, i taunted the heavens, as i was rushing home from a quick purchase at CDR King. since it didnt rain during the time i was outside, i looked up at the dark, cloudy, evening sky and said "rain, lets dance". 24 hours later, it was raining non-stop. as usual, i was inside my home.

the following day, i was supposed to go to the office despite the news of countless miserable citizens who fell victim to the merciless continouous rain. as i was about to put on my pants, i received a text message telling me that there's no work for the day due to bad weather. i still wanted to go outside since its the perfect weather for hot chocolate but laziness got to me and decided to just lay in bed, sleep and savor the cold weather. so i wasnt affected by the floods or got soaked in the torrential rain. i procrastinated for another day instead of finishing the pleading i need to finish before friday. i really didnt want to ruin the nice weather with work.

the day after, today, it was still raining when i woke up. but when i stepped outside, the rain turned into a light harmless drizzle. by the time i reached the office, it was barely raining and the sun was peeking through the clouds. the same thing happened when i went out for lunch. it didnt rain the whole time i was out for lunch. it rained again when i was back inside my office room.

at least when i was heading home, with my laptop in my bag, hanging on my left shoulder, holding a mcdonalds hot chocolate with my left hand and an umbrella on my right hand, i got soaked from the knee down because finally, my beloved rain got to me. my chucks squeaked as i walked and i could feel my soggy socks. sadly, i can hardly call it a dance. maybe another day.

i would say the circumstances remain favorable to me. august, youre acting weird. it appears my luck is still with me and i have not been reduced to a mere average mortal. its not making me paranoid. not yet. but now that i have written this, august would probably come at me with its teeth bared, wearing a malevolent grin.

occasional hodgepodge of the scrambled mind

i have a pleading due by monday which i need to finish before friday because i need to have it signed by around 24 clients on saturday. i dont want to ruin this nice night with work. i really should stop being lazy.

while listening to FOB, on this very rainy night, i was reminded of my YM picture back in 2010 (i checked my YM message archive to verify the time i used this YM picture since someone made a comment about it). i havent used YM for quite some time now and after going online for just a few seconds, seeing a few friends online, im still not in the mood to use it. maybe by the end of the year. i dunnow

anyway, i ended up listening to two FOB albums. i really like the way they give titles to their songs. reminds me of how i used to think of my email subjects. and to a certain extent, blog titles.

i wish its september 24 already. i want to watch a TV series.

a just read a tweet that said "happy people listen to music while sad people listen to the lyrics". i was listening to the music then i took notice of the lyrics. i guess that's when the YM picture entered the...picture.


**** *********
"Oh baby, you're a classic like a little black dress. You're a faded moon stuck on a little hot mess"

"I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness."

"I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me."

"So boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life"

"We had a good run; even I have to admit. Life's just a pace-call on death. Only less diligent. Hell or Glory, I don't want anything in between"

"Blame everyone but me for this mess and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. We never seemed so far. I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

**** ********* 

***** ********* ********
"It's just past eight, and I'm feeling young and reckless."

"You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with and I'm just the boy who's had too many chances
I don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it. So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late. Write me off, give up on me, cause darling, what did you expect. I'm just off a lost cause, a long shot, don't even take this bet"

"Oh baby, when they made me, they broke the mold. Girls used to follow me around, then I got cold"

"You only hold me up like this. Cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you"

"What makes you so special? I'm gonna leave you, I'm gonna teach you. How we're all alone"

"Am I more than you bargained for yet? I've been dyin' to tell you anything you want to hear 'Cause that's just who I am this week"

"Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it"

"I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins."

"I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only one lying."

"Keep quiet,nothing comes as easy as you. Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake."

"I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type but you've got me looking in through blinds"

"I found the cure to growing older and you're the only place that feels like home. Just so you know, you'll never know and some secrets weren't meant to be told."

"I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happiness in misery."

*************************

- lyrics from various songs from FOB's  From Under the Cork Tree and Folie à Deux albums

YM picture came from Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown album

its the most...worrisome time of the year

i should be on full alert for the next 25 days. so far, august has been bearable. just a little minor glitches here and there. what's been confusing me is that my rain repellant self is still active. whenever i go outside, the rain stops. when im safe indoors, the heavy rain suddenly pours.

for example, a few days ago, after visiting our grandmother in the hospital, my brother and i decided to stop by mcdonalds to get some twister fries. i joked that i didnt need an umbrella because it wont rain if im exposed to it. there's some considerable distance between our house and the nearest mcdonalds and its been raining for more than a week. true enough, it didnt rain until we got home. had the rain decided to drop five minutes earlier, i would have been soaking wet.

same thing happened last night. i was rushing to go to CD R King Eton Centris because it was near closing time. through out my commute, it didnt rain until i was indoors. thats why my umbrella was very much useless yesterday.

im not quite lucky today. i had to use the umbrella. but the strong rain didnt pour until i got home. normally, if august was feeling like its usual self, i would be soaking wet from the rain or some puddle due to a speeding vehicle.

although im still lucky with the weather, which makes it easy for me to enjoy the cold air, i was unlucky with the mcdonalds cashier. it really ruined the twister fries experience. mcdonalds crew Mae of Mcdonald's matalino charged me an additional P16 or something because she didnt hear my order correctly. instead of giving me the twister fries and float meal, she thought i just ordered twister fries. when i pointed out her mistake, she just added the coke floats instead of correcting the order. thats why my order ended up with an additional P16. normally i wouldnt mind the few extra pesos but i was also buying twister fries for my parents and my sister. she did the same thing to the other customers ahead me (i mean, she also got their orders wrong). i was tempted to email a complaint but i thought, she might be overworked or distracted. everyone needs a break. especially if its august.

am in a horror movie?

woke up this morning only to be told to check the circuit breaker because our dining room and my brother's bedroom had some short circuit earlier this morning. so i checked the fuse box, fiddled with the switches and poof! the electricity in our dining room and my brother's bedroom is back. but ever since then, ive been hearing some scratching/electric surge kind of noise (when i switched off the TV, when im near the kitchen sink, while i was passing by our office window). then i thought, "its august. anything that could wrong could possibly go wrong. i am stripped of my powers of luck."

well, last night, i was still lucky. i was asked to buy some cough medicine at a nearby drugstore. while i was heading home, the moment i stepped inside our garage, heavy rain suddenly poured. now, from our garage, there is still an open space before i reach our building. the rain stopped exactly when i was walking on that open space. the sudden heavy downpour continued the moment i stepped in the covered area of our building. this is something that usually happens to me and thats how i manage not getting wet even if i dont use an umbrella. the rain "magically" stops when im outside (not 100% of the time of course but maybe half of the time). i thought i still have some luck left. unfortunately, that might be the last one until it returns on september.

going back to the electric surge kind of noise, my laptop sort of went haywire earlier this morning too. the power indicator suddenly blinked. thats weird. its not supposed to blink unless the laptop is in sleep mode. i dont use  sleep mode. then the battery indicator suddenly went off. thats weirder since my laptop is plugged in. i checked the outlet and there's electricity. maybe the indicators are just acting up? then the laptop monitor went dim. it meant that its in power saving mode. again, it cant go to power saving mode since its plugged in and the power saving mode is disabled. i quickly switched the laptop off since it looks like its losing power even if its plugged in. when i used it again in the office, its working A-Ok again.

its raining, there's the howling wind and i ocassionally hear an electric surge/scratching noise when im alone. did i just go crazy? is this like a warning that i should be mindful of electricity? that a misfortune that's electricity related might happen? final destination freak accident kind of thing? i'll just listen to f(x)'s electric shock.

Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

just do it, nike said. so i did. when in doubt, just do it (when it should be dont). so i kept...just doing it. well, i ended finding myself in tricky and sticky situations. i gave myself "ghosts" that will continue to haunt me. i dug myself holes with depths that amazes me. all for the sake of beating the boredom? sometimes. sometimes i just roll the dice and couldnt care less where it takes me. im too old for this shit. im no longer young to set the world on fire and burn brighter than the sun.

there are moments when i wonder how the hell did i end up as a lawyer? well, a friend also asks that same question, sort of. he wonders how people could entrust their legal woes, and to a certain extent their lives, to a man such as he. as for me? the way i see it, i just kept picking up the shot glasses served before me, drinking it up and rolling the dice and the next thing i know, im done with law school, im done with the bar exams and now im a lawyer, inching towards my second year of law practice.

i dont mean i partied a lot when i said shot glasses. im a homebody. i meant, i just kept mindlessly doing things regardless of the consequences just because its seemed like a good idea at that moment. or just do reckless and immature things just to let the time pass by, not really mindful of the future, thinking im going to drop dead soon enough. well, im still alive and sort of kicking. im afraid i will have to face the reality that i might live beyond 30. that sucks. aside from getting old, its difficult to answer im thirty something when im asked about my age without feeling like a dinosaur. i already feel old when i hear the song Dangerous by Roxette because i remember listening to it when i was in grade school.

its hard to believe that i dont think of my future when im that guy who always has a plan. do i really look like a guy with a plan? sure i plan a lot. i think of the future a lot but my actions contradict those thoughts. i think i just plan to exercise them brain cells and to at least give me some comfort that im thinking about my future. but i rarely even go through with the plan. well, long term plans. its easy to comply with the short term ones that addresses the present situation. actually i plan a lot less now compared before. in the grand scheme of things...nah, the universe can just fuck off. just call me when you need me cosmic one. when you think there's the need to shake things a bit. ill be at the bar having a drink or in a restaurant savoring a meal or in a coffee shop sipping some tasty hot chocolate. sounds like a...not so bad plan. where at the end of the day, i just want to sit on a sturdy stool or comfy couch and let my mind wander aimlessly, not a care in the world, then sleep and then wake up in the morning and face a stress free work day. i just want a simple life. i wish i didnt. maybe i do. i dont know.

familiarity breeds contempt vs. stranger danger...isnt it just the same thing?

i just read my horoscope and it said i should know the person ive recently started to date very well before i get myself overly involved in the relationship. it said "VERY well". boom! wake up call in the form of a horoscope. i realized im already in too deep that i should wiggle my way out before i get too tangled in it. the pimple on my nose was already a warning sign.

if im no longer thinking straight, im treading dangerous waters and i could end up a victim of the game i thought i know how to play well. i dont even know how to play anything well. i just play and throw the dice and hope luck would save the day. since its august, holy crapshoot, im dead. i need...to get myself a hobby...maybe for just a month or two.

i think i'll just listen to another somewhat appropriate FOB song...

"I found the cure to growing older

And you're the only place that feels like home

Just so you know, you'll never know

And some secrets weren't meant to be told

But I found the cure to growing older

I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again

And I've got arrogance down to a science

Oh, and I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips

I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped

Back to your family cause I know you will be missed

So you can find a safe place, brace yourself

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone

But for what we've become, we just feel more alone

Always weigh what I've got against what I left

So progress report: I am missing you to death

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Feeling borrowed

Always blue

Someone old

No one new

Always borrowed

Always you

I found a cure to growing older

I found a cure to growing older

[Chorus: x2]

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's

So fitting, so fitting of the way you are

You can't cover it up

Can't cover it up"

Tiffany Hwang