Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
always getting pushed into a corner
i was sitting in a coffee shop with my siblings when a sudden realization struck me. all good things always come to an end. to be more specific, the things i grow fond of always get taken away. the nice korean restaurant, the blue soda body spray, the dos equis beer.
then i thought, when i decided to walk away from something i knew i will regret for the rest of my life, i was confident i was prepared for it. i mean, i know how to recover from a loss. i know how to get back up. there's nothing any person can tell me that i didnt already know (or i havent done). ive been through a fucking lot so i know what to expect and how to address it. well, life is a bitch. didnt expect that whenever i manage to get back up, it kicks me in the nuts so i'll stay down.
"oh, youve found a way to be happy to get over from that thing you walked away from? well, you cant have it. you cant have good food, you cant have booze even if you only drink in moderate amounts, you're not allowed to satisfy your sweet tooth, you cant smoke, youre not allowed to enjoy the company of friends, im going to make sure that you always screw up at work, that your left knee always acts up so you cant roam or travel, that going home will always be the last thing you will want to do because you absolutely hate it, you also cant revert to the old life of simply dating women for pleasure, and you cant date those promising nice girls too because some kind of illness will always come your way to prevent you from even starting to ask them out. and every time you find something that will make life bearable at the very least, you get a kick in the nuts to remind you that you swore youre ready to regret your decision for the rest of your life. just making sure that you know that this is what you decided to have and didnt trade anything to receive anything good out of life"
life, you know im a stubborn idiot. ill manage. i always do.
then i thought, when i decided to walk away from something i knew i will regret for the rest of my life, i was confident i was prepared for it. i mean, i know how to recover from a loss. i know how to get back up. there's nothing any person can tell me that i didnt already know (or i havent done). ive been through a fucking lot so i know what to expect and how to address it. well, life is a bitch. didnt expect that whenever i manage to get back up, it kicks me in the nuts so i'll stay down.
"oh, youve found a way to be happy to get over from that thing you walked away from? well, you cant have it. you cant have good food, you cant have booze even if you only drink in moderate amounts, you're not allowed to satisfy your sweet tooth, you cant smoke, youre not allowed to enjoy the company of friends, im going to make sure that you always screw up at work, that your left knee always acts up so you cant roam or travel, that going home will always be the last thing you will want to do because you absolutely hate it, you also cant revert to the old life of simply dating women for pleasure, and you cant date those promising nice girls too because some kind of illness will always come your way to prevent you from even starting to ask them out. and every time you find something that will make life bearable at the very least, you get a kick in the nuts to remind you that you swore youre ready to regret your decision for the rest of your life. just making sure that you know that this is what you decided to have and didnt trade anything to receive anything good out of life"
life, you know im a stubborn idiot. ill manage. i always do.
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
damn it kelly brook! youre making want to buy expensive stuff!
and wish there are sexy female barbers.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
good thing i still have my lighter. wait...they just fixed the smoke detector. damn it!
i was cleaning my office when this happened. i realized i havent opened my office drawer for almost a year.
i decided to clean my office since i cant focus on my work and i have no one to talk to. even the crazy chick is busy. might as well do something productive.
i remember i started to get the hint with "effort. thanks". good thing i didnt pick up the pencil and paper again. i havent drawn anything seriously since 2004. drawing portraits take time (i dont even know if i can still draw one since i need the right mood for it in order to be able to draw something good. or come up with something artistic). maybe my artistic side isnt really meant to be used. or using my thing for planning for surprises. maybe i should focus on pranks instead. its both surprising and creative and the end result of good planning.
anyway, i think its karma's way of saying "you only get what you give. the Golden Rule applies to everyone mothafucka!".
i decided to clean my office since i cant focus on my work and i have no one to talk to. even the crazy chick is busy. might as well do something productive.
i remember i started to get the hint with "effort. thanks". good thing i didnt pick up the pencil and paper again. i havent drawn anything seriously since 2004. drawing portraits take time (i dont even know if i can still draw one since i need the right mood for it in order to be able to draw something good. or come up with something artistic). maybe my artistic side isnt really meant to be used. or using my thing for planning for surprises. maybe i should focus on pranks instead. its both surprising and creative and the end result of good planning.
anyway, i think its karma's way of saying "you only get what you give. the Golden Rule applies to everyone mothafucka!".
Sadako, won't you tell me what it is that scares you?
If I could be reborn...
...even though it would violate the will of God himself...
...I would want to be at your side...
...with you.
...with you.
If it were all a dream...
...when I awoke...
...if only you were there.
But the light of morning shows me as I really am.
Still I want to say...
...I love you.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
i guess i will live to see 2014
a lot happened this year. i fell for someone, i went
corporate, i met a terrible accident, one of my best friends died while another
best friend got married, got stranded due to a supertyphoon and family matters
got complicated. i guess those are the highlights.
then there's the crazy chick who keeps making me realize...stuff. i feel bad for...us. but then again, as she pointed out, she was the one who made the first move. i never make the first move. she keeps pointing out traits she hates about me which somehow explains why things will never work out for me. i act like a genie. i dont act or do things unless im asked. i may make all the wishes come true but i have to be asked first. well, as my first employer said, i lack the initiative. but i never fail to deliver. but thats not what girls want. they want to be desired, loved, cared for, feel special...without asking the guy. i almost said that i already did those to other women and that didnt work out but i decided to shut up because if i get asked why i did that to other women and not to her, the answer is obvious. i dont need another drama episode. then i realized...all i really want is to have fun. have some adventure. i guess im not a relationship person. im impatient, im always skeptical when things are too good to be true, i always think everything is temporary or everything ends and all i think about is myself.
i hope someday, if i live long enough in 2014, i would stop lying to myself and admit that i did fall in love and unfortunately, i was too scared to acknowledge it and i walked away because i refused to believe it was possible. that it is in fact possible to care for someone more than anyone else, including myself. that it is possible to see eternity despite the knowledge that life is short. that one can find inner peace in a struggle. that you can just find yourself doing things for someone just to make her happy without expecting anything in return or even thinking about it. that there are things you just know even if it lacks rhyme or reason. well, better luck next time. if there is a next time.
tough year. really tough. whatever doesnt kill you make you
stronger they say. well, im not getting any younger so it becomes more
difficult to stay strong. physically at least.
ive been driving my van lately and it keeps...dying. after
the accident, i had it fixed. it took months because it really had a bad crash.
but i guess after all the repairs, it will never be the same again. it will
always have that scar no matter how much i try to hide it. it might keep on
dying on me no matter how many times i have it repaired. the crash really did
mess it up. it looks good on the outside but its not really doing well.
actually, if anyone would take a closer look at it, its "wounds" from
the accident are still there. i guess thats permanent because the repair guys
said theyve done everything. unfortunately, they just cant remove the stains
and cant fix the small dents.
in a way, im no different from my van. i may not be taking
meds for some maintenance shit like some of my friends or havent undergone some
surgery or had a serious illness but i grow weak each day. im not even sure if
what im having is some simple back pain or some kidney problem. or why my left
knee is taking months to get better. or why my left middle finger always feels
injured. i easily get bruises and muscle pains. i wont be surprised if my lungs
start acting up. my heart already feels its struggling in pumping blood. i dont
know. its been a tough year. had to consume all the booze that i can drink, eat
all the meat and sweets i can get, smoke all the cigs and weed i can smoke, and
date the women i can easily hook up with. well, whatever doesnt kill you makes
you stronger.
then there's the crazy chick who keeps making me realize...stuff. i feel bad for...us. but then again, as she pointed out, she was the one who made the first move. i never make the first move. she keeps pointing out traits she hates about me which somehow explains why things will never work out for me. i act like a genie. i dont act or do things unless im asked. i may make all the wishes come true but i have to be asked first. well, as my first employer said, i lack the initiative. but i never fail to deliver. but thats not what girls want. they want to be desired, loved, cared for, feel special...without asking the guy. i almost said that i already did those to other women and that didnt work out but i decided to shut up because if i get asked why i did that to other women and not to her, the answer is obvious. i dont need another drama episode. then i realized...all i really want is to have fun. have some adventure. i guess im not a relationship person. im impatient, im always skeptical when things are too good to be true, i always think everything is temporary or everything ends and all i think about is myself.
i hope someday, if i live long enough in 2014, i would stop lying to myself and admit that i did fall in love and unfortunately, i was too scared to acknowledge it and i walked away because i refused to believe it was possible. that it is in fact possible to care for someone more than anyone else, including myself. that it is possible to see eternity despite the knowledge that life is short. that one can find inner peace in a struggle. that you can just find yourself doing things for someone just to make her happy without expecting anything in return or even thinking about it. that there are things you just know even if it lacks rhyme or reason. well, better luck next time. if there is a next time.
Monday, December 16, 2013
12 days shy of one year. he was really pissed
hey, you were right. would have appreciated to hear your thoughts on the matter. but then again, you may have implied it was going to end sooner or later when you said "enjoy it lang pare". was i that clueless? hopeful? or hopeless? in any case, im sorry for being a disappointment. just realized that your last text message was about her.
cant believe this song's been stuck with me since July 2012.
cant believe this song's been stuck with me since July 2012.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
imma win this time
this "godhood resolution" is much more difficult than expected. whenever im making progress, whenever im starting to get my old life back, whenever im about to make a run for it to put my plans on full throttle, the universe manifests its vehement opposition and pushes me back down to the ground. its like climbing out of a pit and suddenly crashing back to the bottom because someone is ensuring i dont get out of it.
i think i understand now why the thing i prevented from happening last year happened. i just gave the universe a way to stop me. or the universe allowed it to happen in order to have something to stop me. sneaky bastard. now, i see that face wherever i look and i freeze and my mind shuts down. it cant be. im supposed to have forgotten what she looks like. it just keeps finding ways to challenge my decision and i keep finding countermeasures to strengthen my resolve. if there's anything im sure of, its the fact that im going to win against the universe this time. im going to do whatever it takes. i'll keep burning bridges if i have to. never trust the universe. i shouldnt have broken that rule. now i need to figure out a way to develop an immunity from it.come to think of it, nothing good happens whenever i break my rules. i should put all my rules in writing.
anyway, good news is, im in goddamn good health. i havent been sick since December last year. i mean, really sick. i only get headaches once every two months at the most or a negligible runny nose that lasts for only a few hours or some cough that lasts for a couple of days. that's despite the fact that im pushing myself to my limit (thats the only way you become better). i dont rest and i have my vices back(all you need is alcohol, something to smoke and some risky activity and youre all set. thats enough to beat the boredom).
im a consultant/liaison officer for a GOCC during the day and a consultant for a law office during the night and weekends. Im also available for legal consultation and render legal advice to my acquaintances and relatives. that's like three work hats. and i only get paid for my day job (and i dont even get my salary regularly). i work 7 days a week with weekdays having 14 work hours. my brother even found it weird that when my saturday plans were cancelled last weekend, my idea for making the most out of it was spending the entire day in the office working on a pleading. my pre-law school self would kill me if he sees that i work alone inside an office all day. he wanted to have an outdoor work with trees and nature shit, constantly travelling and never holed up indoors. well, reality bites.
no rest, no fun and i dont get sick. sure i have a bad left knee but that only prevents me from running or walking fast. other than that, im A-Ok. im proof that a busy, depressing lifestyle doesnt make you less healthy. ive managed to channel my apparent limitless energy to my work thus improving my productivity. the only thing stopping me from fully exploiting this "immunity from illness" is the universe thus preventing me from taking it to the next level. i can make up for the four years ive lost if the universe will just stop interfering with my plans
i think i understand now why the thing i prevented from happening last year happened. i just gave the universe a way to stop me. or the universe allowed it to happen in order to have something to stop me. sneaky bastard. now, i see that face wherever i look and i freeze and my mind shuts down. it cant be. im supposed to have forgotten what she looks like. it just keeps finding ways to challenge my decision and i keep finding countermeasures to strengthen my resolve. if there's anything im sure of, its the fact that im going to win against the universe this time. im going to do whatever it takes. i'll keep burning bridges if i have to. never trust the universe. i shouldnt have broken that rule. now i need to figure out a way to develop an immunity from it.come to think of it, nothing good happens whenever i break my rules. i should put all my rules in writing.
anyway, good news is, im in goddamn good health. i havent been sick since December last year. i mean, really sick. i only get headaches once every two months at the most or a negligible runny nose that lasts for only a few hours or some cough that lasts for a couple of days. that's despite the fact that im pushing myself to my limit (thats the only way you become better). i dont rest and i have my vices back(all you need is alcohol, something to smoke and some risky activity and youre all set. thats enough to beat the boredom).
im a consultant/liaison officer for a GOCC during the day and a consultant for a law office during the night and weekends. Im also available for legal consultation and render legal advice to my acquaintances and relatives. that's like three work hats. and i only get paid for my day job (and i dont even get my salary regularly). i work 7 days a week with weekdays having 14 work hours. my brother even found it weird that when my saturday plans were cancelled last weekend, my idea for making the most out of it was spending the entire day in the office working on a pleading. my pre-law school self would kill me if he sees that i work alone inside an office all day. he wanted to have an outdoor work with trees and nature shit, constantly travelling and never holed up indoors. well, reality bites.
no rest, no fun and i dont get sick. sure i have a bad left knee but that only prevents me from running or walking fast. other than that, im A-Ok. im proof that a busy, depressing lifestyle doesnt make you less healthy. ive managed to channel my apparent limitless energy to my work thus improving my productivity. the only thing stopping me from fully exploiting this "immunity from illness" is the universe thus preventing me from taking it to the next level. i can make up for the four years ive lost if the universe will just stop interfering with my plans
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
i guess im incredibly intelligent
Hemingway is credited to having said that "happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know".
happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.
just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.
i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.
point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.
going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:
The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer
amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.
happiness is a warm gun. bang. bang. shoot. shoot.
just finished the night shift lawyer thingie. second day. sadly, its not a regular thing...at the moment. i only have one case so far. and im going to be called in whenever the need arises. so its another consultancy employment. and its kinda cool that i have a day office in Makati and a night office in QC. and if the night office had interns, i might become an urban legend because i only go to the law office after regular office hours. im the lawyer no one sees. except for the staff that stays there with me while im on night shift.
i dont get it. my former boss wants me back and my current boss seems to be determined to keep me. even if i havent given my best effort. im currently screwing up right now. the president of the corporation just asked what my salary was...after i failed to attend the meeting because i was late and after i failed to do the task she assigned to me because i really didnt understand what she wanted. if she's planning to do some salary reduction, well, im practically working for free for more than 2 weeks now since i havent received my salary. it was really good timing that ive blown all my money out of boredom. and i accepted a pro bono night shift duty. wow. i should get good karma points for these.
point is, im a lawyer not because of the money. im also not a lawyer because i want to help people. fuck that public service bullshit. as my uncle would put it, im a lawyer because i was destined to become one. i had no concrete plans to finish law school, i wasnt determined to pass the bar. and i didnt expect that i would be doing well in practice where i usually win my cases, make sound legal advice and come up with satisfactory legal solutions. my grades would never reflect that! on paper, im a dumbass. and i am a dumbass in real life. sooner or later, im going to be disbarred. when i get bored enough, i might even disbar myself. how? i dont know yet.
going back, why is it rare for intelligent people to have happiness? maybe because of boredom? awareness? i dont know. i just think im hard to please and im a very complicated and difficult person to deal with. how can happiness enter the picture under such circumstances? point is, im intelligent and im not happy. miserable actually. Hemingway is right. it is rare. since it is rare, it means its not impossible for intelligent people to be happy. in my case, ive tried but i constantly fail. if i were to list my meaningful failures and meaningless pursuits sequentially and write stories about them, these would be the probable titles:
The Girl Behind the Password
Miss Raspberry Scent
Crash, Burn & FUBAR
Luningning
Bicolana Express
The "Prude" Nursing Student from Cavite
The Mascot with a Scorpion Tattoo
Cerveza Negra
"Koreana" Paraiso
Pinkish Glow
Miss Tuesday
Dangerous Liaisons
Petite and Sultry Caddie
Ilocana Princess
Spoiled Single Mom
Airhead Dancer
amusing titles with somewhat interesting stories. behind the heartaches and pain, there's always something good to be derived from it. always. but that good thing never amounts to happiness. why? because im intelligent. im aware of things that changes the way i perceive the world order. so yeah. i think its awareness and boredom that makes it difficult for happiness to enter the lives of intelligent people. not my final answer though.
Monday, September 16, 2013
ho-hum
GWR: hey! what's up?
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx xxx xxx
TLT: not much
GWR: how are you? its been quite some time...
TLT: yeah. about a year more or less
GWR: haha. about a year to be exact
TLT: huh?
GWR: its been exactly one year since we last spoke.
TLT: oh. wow. you remember.
GWR: of course.
TLT: so what are you up to?
GWR: you know me. still ______. i think the real question is, what are you up to?
TLT: lawyering. what else?
GWR: that wasnt what you intended to do one year ago
TLT: really? what did i intend to do one year ago?
GWR: ______
TLT: oh. was that the plan? well, ive got a better one now
GWR: told you it wont work.
TLT: what makes you think it didnt work? haha. and since when did I listen to you?
GWR: since when did you listen to anybody?
TLT: well, i think im closer to getting myself hired as a consultant
GWR: changing the topic as usual
TLT: ok. what do you want to talk about?
GWR: what exactly are you doing?
TLT: umm..talking to you?
GWR: T, i know you. i know where this is going. five years down the road, i know a part of you will feel youve deprived yourself of another childhood.
TLT: huh?
GWR: we may not have communicated for a year but i know what's up with you. i hear youre working too much. i know about the consultant thing. youve proposed to work on weekends and on weeknights in your former office. youre doing that "cheat code" thing again where you gain so much experience in so little time. the same way you acquired your so-called wisdom that made you appear smart. everytime you shut the world out, its like you level-up and get ahead. you immerse yourself in that...greatness shit. but it always ends up with a part of you eating you up for depriving yourself of something more important. you always try to beat the system and you do it as a distraction
TLT: W, im aware of that. and im ok with it. the thing is, im tired. im tired of people trying to make me happy. it hurts me when they fail because i know it hurts them. my parents, my friends, everyone. all of them make attempts...to cheer me up, to make me happy, to at the very least, make life satisfactory. and all of them are not even close to succeeding because none of them can give me what i want. heck! i dont even know what i want
GWR: T, i know you know what you want. since when did you ever become unsure of what you want? you just dont want to go get it. and thats what i dont get. was it really that bad? i mean ______
TLT: if thats what you think, then ______. in any case, its irrelevant. dont you think?
GWR: why is it irrelevant?
TLT: because i dont care about that anymore. i never did care. i dont have an aptitude for that
GWR: blech! dont give me that "im too cold to care" shit. T, ive always told you that ______
TLT: go believe what you want. the things is ______
GWR: hm. i guess you really are back. i mean ______
TLT: yup. just like old times.
GWR: so that means ill be seeing you more often?
TLT: nope. you'll be seeing me more often. see the difference?
GWR: haha. yeah. and i dont agree. i think you'll be the one consulting me.
TLT: i dont think so. im good. youre the one who wont be able to resist ______
GWR: keep telling yourself that. oh. and by the way, i also know about ______ and ______. T, are you really sure with what youre doing?
TLT: i think you know the answer to that. and i like the way you phrased the question
GWR: i suggest you pay a visit to ______. or at least give him a call and reconnect with him. there might come a time you wont have a choice
TLT: way ahead of you.
GWR: uh oh. thats not good. it means ______
TLT: haha. yeah. but i'll manage. i always do
GWR: you really have to stop this. sooner or later your luck will run out.
TLT: when that day comes ______. but until then, ______.
GWR: seriously, your boredom is as destructive as your doubt.
TLT: that's why i kill boredom. because boredom can kill me.
GWR: how about your doubt?
TLT: its useful. why do you think im effective in my work?
GWR: and why do you think everything else doesnt work for you?
TLT: ______
xxx xxx xxx
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
you have no idea what i have or havent done to get where i am - mike ross
"You're a fraud and you know it
But it's too good to throw it all away
Anyone would do the same
You've got 'em going
And you're careful not to show it
Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit
It's like magic
But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game
Anyone would do the same"
- Smoke and Mirrors
would anyone have done the same? i still remember that look of disappointment and disgust from more than half a decade ago. i always crossed the line because i never really cared about my future. or about anything. and back then, i just...went too far. it was my never my intention...well, it happened and what's done cannot be undone. even if i say sorry and visit that person's grave everyday for the rest of my life, im still bound to pay for what happened then.
i thought i finally broke free from that period of regret. i thought i was finally forgiven and was given a chance to be truly...well, i got my bag of fucking bricks back. fits me well. at least i wont ruin people's lives anymore.
But it's too good to throw it all away
Anyone would do the same
You've got 'em going
And you're careful not to show it
Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit
It's like magic
But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game
Anyone would do the same"
- Smoke and Mirrors
would anyone have done the same? i still remember that look of disappointment and disgust from more than half a decade ago. i always crossed the line because i never really cared about my future. or about anything. and back then, i just...went too far. it was my never my intention...well, it happened and what's done cannot be undone. even if i say sorry and visit that person's grave everyday for the rest of my life, im still bound to pay for what happened then.
i thought i finally broke free from that period of regret. i thought i was finally forgiven and was given a chance to be truly...well, i got my bag of fucking bricks back. fits me well. at least i wont ruin people's lives anymore.
Monday, August 19, 2013
the more i meet that woman, i want to see her more - Yutaka
“To live is to be ready to say goodbye,
For loneliness is a friend who will not betray.
Shiver not in the pouring love, instead buy an umbrella.
Believe not in happiness,
even in the passions of love…
Confess not your love,
even if you would die for it.
For love is like a season;
It comes and goes to decorate life’s boredom.
The moment you call it Love,
it melts away like an ice sculpture…
Goodbye, Someday.
Happiness lasts not forever;
as despair lasts not forever.
One day you will need to say ‘goodbye’,
Just like how you said ‘hello.’
At death, some look back on being loved;
while some look back on having loved…
I shall look back on having loved…”
- Sayonara Itsuka
For loneliness is a friend who will not betray.
Shiver not in the pouring love, instead buy an umbrella.
Believe not in happiness,
even in the passions of love…
Confess not your love,
even if you would die for it.
For love is like a season;
It comes and goes to decorate life’s boredom.
The moment you call it Love,
it melts away like an ice sculpture…
Goodbye, Someday.
Happiness lasts not forever;
as despair lasts not forever.
One day you will need to say ‘goodbye’,
Just like how you said ‘hello.’
At death, some look back on being loved;
while some look back on having loved…
I shall look back on having loved…”
- Sayonara Itsuka
Sunday, July 21, 2013
"Can you really hold the woman you love, with your blood stained hands?" - Roy Mustang
"Being the best isn't all it's made out to be. When you're strong, you become arrogant and withdrawn. Even if what you sought after was your dream. - Uchiha Itachi
"Truth is cruel. Out of the cocky ones who tried to revive the dead in order to be embraced by their mother's warmth again, one of them was robbed of his leg with which to stand, and his one and only brother was also taken from him. The other was stripped of his entire body which left him unable to feel warmth at all. The woman who longed for her dead child was given a body no longer able to reproduce. Now, the one who had his eyes fixed on the country's future was robbed of his vision, never again will he be able to see what the future holds. He gives humans their suitable forms of despair to prevent them from getting too conceited. He is the existence which you humans refer to as "God". Truth." - Father (Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood)
"Truth is cruel. Out of the cocky ones who tried to revive the dead in order to be embraced by their mother's warmth again, one of them was robbed of his leg with which to stand, and his one and only brother was also taken from him. The other was stripped of his entire body which left him unable to feel warmth at all. The woman who longed for her dead child was given a body no longer able to reproduce. Now, the one who had his eyes fixed on the country's future was robbed of his vision, never again will he be able to see what the future holds. He gives humans their suitable forms of despair to prevent them from getting too conceited. He is the existence which you humans refer to as "God". Truth." - Father (Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood)
Monday, June 10, 2013
hey future self!
yeah. im sorry. i really am. not even God can move me. God has never been good with giving reasons huh? mysterious ways my ass. bet you want to kill me, dont you future self? i wish you could. not even i can do that. im that part of your life who failed at everything. everything. when it mattered the most! yeah. well, i hope you have a stronger resolve.
this is the part of your life you really wouldnt want to read about. that explains why there arent much articles lately. i hope we hit our noggin and forget all about this point of our life. im not even sure if this point of our life is supposed to exist. havent had deja vus lately. had a faint one. its like our life is being re-written. and i have a nasty feeling that youre blaming me for what im doing. well, like i said, not even God can move me.
but you know, dont you think this is proof that we were right all along? or our past self knew, the high school self, that this is what will happen. that this is our destiny. that we cant escape fate. that each day that passes, it affirms that our past self was right. our 14 year old self saw our future. he even put it on paper to remind us. wonder where that piece of paper is?
he knew better. our 2004 self forgot all about it and believed otherwise. maybe its time to listen to 14 year old self. 2004 self made a mistake
i just watched a movie and well, there are people who die alone. 14 year old self is right. no matter how much you try to get what you want, it will be taken away simply because youre built as a solo act. we were ok with that, going solo for an entire lifetime, until 2004 self decided to fall for someone and broke us beyond repair.
much as i want to refuse to believe my Godless and cocky 14 year old self, well, all the roads point to what he has been saying all along.
this is the part of your life you really wouldnt want to read about. that explains why there arent much articles lately. i hope we hit our noggin and forget all about this point of our life. im not even sure if this point of our life is supposed to exist. havent had deja vus lately. had a faint one. its like our life is being re-written. and i have a nasty feeling that youre blaming me for what im doing. well, like i said, not even God can move me.
but you know, dont you think this is proof that we were right all along? or our past self knew, the high school self, that this is what will happen. that this is our destiny. that we cant escape fate. that each day that passes, it affirms that our past self was right. our 14 year old self saw our future. he even put it on paper to remind us. wonder where that piece of paper is?
he knew better. our 2004 self forgot all about it and believed otherwise. maybe its time to listen to 14 year old self. 2004 self made a mistake
i just watched a movie and well, there are people who die alone. 14 year old self is right. no matter how much you try to get what you want, it will be taken away simply because youre built as a solo act. we were ok with that, going solo for an entire lifetime, until 2004 self decided to fall for someone and broke us beyond repair.
much as i want to refuse to believe my Godless and cocky 14 year old self, well, all the roads point to what he has been saying all along.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
"hey chief!"
yeah. thats how you used to greet me. or maybe people. "musta chief?, "ano na naman tinira mo chief?", "bakit ka late chief?"
you were our platoon leader. you appeared to be the leader of your group of friends. that guy who reluctantly takes the leader post because no one wants to take it. you looked like someone who's living a good life. thats why when they said you killed yourself, i refused to believe that you hid a lot of pain behind that friendly smile of yours. i said that it cant be. it must be some accidental shooting or something. a person like you cant be suicidal. youre tough. then the other day,in a matter of seconds while taking my usual grueling MRT ride, i understood. i understood how it must have been for you. i saw what you saw. or i felt what you felt. it really does feel like your head is being split apart huh? millions of screaming voices in your head. you feel your eyes are wide open even if its closed shut. all your five senses are going nuts. to think its possible for your skin to be extremely sensitive and numb, thats crazy isnt it? it only took seconds but it felt like an hour. what makes it worse? the seconds will become minutes. minutes to half an hour. the intervals become longer. the next thing you know, youre at the end of the plank, thousands of miles up in the sky and the only thing that makes sense is to jump. its really stupid for you to think its saint peter on the other side. or were you just being sarcastic? because in that dark, God forsaken depth, hope is lightyears away from it. and i doubt saint peter will be at the bottom of that pit.
my former associate was right. anyone who kills himself is no longer in his or her right mind. i still agree. but now, i understand. its the loneliness that really kills you. the pain is really secondary. the fact that youre seen as everyone's beacon and source of strength or support already gives you tremendous burden. your friends did look up to you. i see them now and well, some did well, some didnt. had you lived longer, you could have been a great lawyer. well, cant blame you. that sickening moment when you lose it just tears you apart, doesnt it? you just want it to stop. to end. i guess thats why ive been exerting a lot of effort not to be alone with my thoughts. maybe you did the same and your friends eventually got tired. i never thought i will be prone to such a pathethic thing. it was never an option. but i guess ive never known this form of pain before. i never thought there's a force thats more destructive than hate and rage. im sorry but i dont want to end up like you. i dont want to be where you ended up. but in the unlikely event i do see you again, im going to say "were a couple of idiots arent we?"
you were our platoon leader. you appeared to be the leader of your group of friends. that guy who reluctantly takes the leader post because no one wants to take it. you looked like someone who's living a good life. thats why when they said you killed yourself, i refused to believe that you hid a lot of pain behind that friendly smile of yours. i said that it cant be. it must be some accidental shooting or something. a person like you cant be suicidal. youre tough. then the other day,in a matter of seconds while taking my usual grueling MRT ride, i understood. i understood how it must have been for you. i saw what you saw. or i felt what you felt. it really does feel like your head is being split apart huh? millions of screaming voices in your head. you feel your eyes are wide open even if its closed shut. all your five senses are going nuts. to think its possible for your skin to be extremely sensitive and numb, thats crazy isnt it? it only took seconds but it felt like an hour. what makes it worse? the seconds will become minutes. minutes to half an hour. the intervals become longer. the next thing you know, youre at the end of the plank, thousands of miles up in the sky and the only thing that makes sense is to jump. its really stupid for you to think its saint peter on the other side. or were you just being sarcastic? because in that dark, God forsaken depth, hope is lightyears away from it. and i doubt saint peter will be at the bottom of that pit.
my former associate was right. anyone who kills himself is no longer in his or her right mind. i still agree. but now, i understand. its the loneliness that really kills you. the pain is really secondary. the fact that youre seen as everyone's beacon and source of strength or support already gives you tremendous burden. your friends did look up to you. i see them now and well, some did well, some didnt. had you lived longer, you could have been a great lawyer. well, cant blame you. that sickening moment when you lose it just tears you apart, doesnt it? you just want it to stop. to end. i guess thats why ive been exerting a lot of effort not to be alone with my thoughts. maybe you did the same and your friends eventually got tired. i never thought i will be prone to such a pathethic thing. it was never an option. but i guess ive never known this form of pain before. i never thought there's a force thats more destructive than hate and rage. im sorry but i dont want to end up like you. i dont want to be where you ended up. but in the unlikely event i do see you again, im going to say "were a couple of idiots arent we?"
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
the day my music died
i cant bear to listen to what used to be my mood changer beach boys song. i cant even listen to any song from the 50 First Dates soundtrack. wow. i guess ive outgrown it. too bad. it would have been a decade by next year.
i remember playing it all night long back in 2004. i remember bringing a CD player to listen to it while wearing a graduation toga for the baccalaureate mass. i remember putting my cellphone by my ear to listen to Wouldn't It Be Nice when the get together with college friends got too boring for me. i remember listening to it non-stop during my stay in Bicol. i remember playing it over and over until 2005. it was the only thing i played in my beloved auto. its always in my playlist in all my music players. its in my laptop, mp3 player, tablet, cellphones, memory cards, etc. any media or gadget that plays music, i always have the 50 First Dates soundtrack in it. the full soundtrack and not just the OST. my siblings find it sickening because i tend to play it randomly when things just get too boring. and ive been doing it for almost a decade. heck! i even watched 50 First Dates on the 1st of January of this year. first movie of the year.
now, i cant listen to it anymore. whenever a 50 First Dates song is played while listening to a shuffled playlist, i skip it and when it keeps popping up, i switch the player off. i got tired of it i guess. ive outgrown whatever feelings i have for it. i'll be deleting it in my playlist. for the first time in nine years, my music players wont have 50 First Dates in it.
i remember playing it all night long back in 2004. i remember bringing a CD player to listen to it while wearing a graduation toga for the baccalaureate mass. i remember putting my cellphone by my ear to listen to Wouldn't It Be Nice when the get together with college friends got too boring for me. i remember listening to it non-stop during my stay in Bicol. i remember playing it over and over until 2005. it was the only thing i played in my beloved auto. its always in my playlist in all my music players. its in my laptop, mp3 player, tablet, cellphones, memory cards, etc. any media or gadget that plays music, i always have the 50 First Dates soundtrack in it. the full soundtrack and not just the OST. my siblings find it sickening because i tend to play it randomly when things just get too boring. and ive been doing it for almost a decade. heck! i even watched 50 First Dates on the 1st of January of this year. first movie of the year.
now, i cant listen to it anymore. whenever a 50 First Dates song is played while listening to a shuffled playlist, i skip it and when it keeps popping up, i switch the player off. i got tired of it i guess. ive outgrown whatever feelings i have for it. i'll be deleting it in my playlist. for the first time in nine years, my music players wont have 50 First Dates in it.
Words of wisdom from the super pervert
Getting dumped always makes a man stronger. And if he hasn’t experienced it enough to be able to laugh and joke about it, or at least use it as material, he can’t fulfill his duties as a man.
Men aren’t meant to pursue happiness.
Wherever someone thinks of you, that's where home is.
When people get hurt, they learn to hate... when people hurt others, they become hated and racked with guilt. But knowing that pain allows people to be kind. Pain allows people to grow... and how you grow is up to you.
...Thinking back on it, my story is one full of failures. Tsunade turned me down every time. I couldn't save my friend. I failed to protect my student...and my teacher. Compared to the great hokages that came before me, my accomplishments have been petty and insignificant. I wanted to die like them. A long time ago, I had a conclusion to how my life would end. I lived believing my short-comings were just amusing distractions! That my failings would build character! and in return... After all those losses and mistakes, I would be granted one great, final adventure...
Men aren’t meant to pursue happiness.
Wherever someone thinks of you, that's where home is.
When people get hurt, they learn to hate... when people hurt others, they become hated and racked with guilt. But knowing that pain allows people to be kind. Pain allows people to grow... and how you grow is up to you.
...Thinking back on it, my story is one full of failures. Tsunade turned me down every time. I couldn't save my friend. I failed to protect my student...and my teacher. Compared to the great hokages that came before me, my accomplishments have been petty and insignificant. I wanted to die like them. A long time ago, I had a conclusion to how my life would end. I lived believing my short-comings were just amusing distractions! That my failings would build character! and in return... After all those losses and mistakes, I would be granted one great, final adventure...
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