dont come here questioning my honesty and expect that i wont be pissed. especially when you question my honesty without any basis. dont fucking accuse me with baseless allegations. and an apology is a waste of time. i dont buy it. i dont care how sorry you are. the fact is, you brought a scenario that would require an apology and which was caused by irresponsibility, incompetence and childishness. and in your case, ignorance of the social protocol (ok, maybe it has not acquired this level, but i think it should be regarded as one and as usual, im getting ahead of myself). when you apologize, you swallow your pride. you say sorry without qualifications. i dont fucking care why youre irresponsible, incompetent, childish, and im going to add, negligent. if youre sorry, you dont try to justify your mistake. you just admit you made a mistake. no excuses. i used to do it too, qualifiy my apologies, but i learned on my own that its not a sincere apology. thats why i dont accept apologies, especially for grave mistakes, because the damage has been done. and assessing the situation, it could have been avoided...if you were only strong enough. and weakness is not an excuse. im hard on myself to toughen myself up so dont go appearing before me in your weak and worthless state and then apologizing insincerely afterwards. be man enough to apologize sincerely, or be man enough not to apologize and firmly fight for the mistake you believe to be correct. choosing the latter is foolish but its tougher to do than making an insincere apology and then walking away like a dog with his tail between his legs.
i have my own demons. lots of them. and i deal with them on my own, every fucking day. i put myself through hell intentionally because trying to escape from them is pointless. i intentionally destroy some of my own personal relationships with people close to me because of the constant battles i have with these demons. because thats the only way i can keep them at bay. i know its a big loss, but its something im compelled to do so as not to be defeated by these demons. selfish but thats the only way to prevent self-destruction. its stupid to be selfless and allow yourself to be destroyed and rot from within. because that would only make you useless to everyone.
im also haunted by traumatic memories from time to time. experiences that fucked me up and was forced to accept that i could never change them, no matter how hard and how many times i try. these experiences changed me in a manner that some say only psychiatrists could correct. i dont believe in that crap. but even if it was true, im still going to handle it on my own, without any help. im going to deal with it on my own because its my problem and im going to make sure that im tough enough to solve it on my own. i hate sharing my own problems. thats why i dont go around worrying and crying about it because i deal with it, on my own and in my own way. sure i complain and whine but thats just to decrease its weight. i would be stupid not to decrease the burden, no matter how insubstantial it may seem.
i dont go asking for help. and i dont expect it either. because most likely, no one can save me from my own demons, maybe not even me. if thats true, the most i can do is to make sure they dont get me. but if the demons get the better of me, then its my loss and im prepared to accept that. i will not blame anyone because all throughout, it was only me that was involved. everything is my call, my choice, my discretion. im the one who is in the best position to handle the situation.
it may be a never-ending battle with these demons but i never get tired of saying to mysef i wont lose to them. what have you done to fight your demons? it appears to me, not much. maybe your demons are stronger. most likely they are. but i firmly believe that they are not insurmountable nor losing to them an inevitability. giving in is losing to these demons but that doesnt mean the battle is over. you should always try to bounce back. and once you do, i think the next step should be all about learning from the loss and educating yourself on how to deal with your demons the next time they come knocking.
psychiatrists arent very different from ordinary people when it comes to dealing with demons. it just so happens that they read and studied about it, learned the ways how to deal with it. and then share and apply what they know. and most people could do that too (except the sharing and applying part because that requires formal training). the point is, you cant rely on others to fight your demons. its your own. you are the one who experiences them, no one else. you are the one in the best position to determine how deal with them. if you need help, fine, go ahead. but dont depend on that help to be the one that would fight most of your battles. because thats stupid. dependence weakens you rather than strengthens you. help in itself is good but its an indication too of insufficiency in strength. if you know that you are weak and you cant avoid to engage in battle, its logical for some to ask for help than be destroyed "honorably". but that doesnt stop there. reinforcements will come from others but that doesnt mean you will not do anything to strengthen yourself. in the end, the aim should be to be strong enough to fight your battles on your own, survive them, learn from the experience and the mistakes and further educate and strengthen yourself. thats how you should deal with your demons.
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