dumb and dumber

i think karma caught up with me. i have the nasty habit of feigning ignorance. why? i dont know. maybe its because im too lazy to be knowledgeable. its a bit of a hassle to know stuff because people would go to you and ask for the answer. sure it was great at first but it just became tiring and annoying. another is that, some expect you to teach them what you know. and since im the type who believes that experience is the best teacher, im always reluctant to share knowledge by way of the traditional mode of teaching. for me, experiencing is the best way to learn (thats why i say im self taught). thats why i rarely ask questions too. i want to learn it on my own. if i get it wrong, at least im trying to learn it on my own. the problem with this approach is that it takes time. and there are instances when you need to learn things fast. anyway, im digressing. the reason i said i think karma caught up with me is because i think im becoming stupid every minute. i mean, i feign ignorance so frequently that its become something natural for me to do. i pretend i dont know. i act stupid. when i dont feel like reciting, i pass or pretend im clueless of whats being asked. and so it actually happened, ive become stupid. well, stupid compared to the current people im with. its like im constantly slipping down from some kind of intellectual ladder. my level of comprehension and my ability to absorb new things is becoming so poor that im really starting to believe ive developed some kind of mental retardation. im forgetting stuff i know and my thinking ability seem to me that its really deteriorating.

ok, maybe i feel that way because gradeschool to college was pretty much a breeze and law school is one big struggle for me. and im starting to think ive reached my limit because even if im trying hard, it seems its not enough to really raise myself to the same level as my fellow law students. its like, my effort is not good enough. i have to do more. unfortunately, i dont have the stamina nor the endurance for it. like i sometimes say, im like a constitution which can only be done with great exertion for a limited time and not frequently repeated. i cant exert the increased level of effort for a considerable amount of time. although, i think i could easily do it if i were the same person as i was back in highschool. when i still had the discipline and wasnt intoxicated with arrogance. when i reached college, i felt i dont need the professors. we have books anyway. so i slept half of the time during class. the other half, i was really sleepy. it offended the professors of course, but i didnt care. i knew i could pass the subject. and if i dont, so what. thats why i became lazier and i started to lose my discipline. and im digressing again. point is, i started feigning ignorance because i didnt want to appear some person who knows stuff. which is kind of a mistake since it would prevent me from polishing my ideas through intellectual converstations. i cant just engage in self-analysis. like henry roth said, "fresh eye never hurts". so, since i let the laziness take over, i guess my brain cells slowly deteriorated too. so now, ive become a dumb guy, and becoming dumber since ive lost the stamina to actually recover from the mental deterioration, and ive placed myself in a situation where i really cant afford to be stupid nor dare to be stupid, now what? ill just have to depend on studying through hardwork and see how far it can get me. it works for some people. i hope it works for me. or i hope i can do it too.