improvement starts with "i". i also need a better eye and an aye attitude

earlier today, i had a crazy thought. i thought of stopping my lazy lifestyle and aiming for excellence for a change. thinking about it now makes me feel tired. i hate doing something burdensome. but lately, i have been thinking that im in a half decade slump. im not as good as i was before. im a retard now. i mean, my intellectual level has not made any substantial development for half a decade or maybe more (ive been complaining about this for quite some time and i havent done anything to address it). sure some people still think im some kind of intelligent person but for three or four years, i havent been able to meet those expectations (i got a low grade for the bar exams. i took the exam seriously but i didnt give my best. as usual. i dont like giving my 100%. but i really put a lot of effort in it. i really studied hard. so its a bit unfair, yet flattering, but still unfair, for people to say to me that i was too relaxed during the review. that all i did was rent and watch movies and go to kiddie parties. well, i did do such things but i still studied hard at the same time. i just have my way of doing things. sometimes i wish people would recognize my "hardwork" even if it appears to be not much work for them. for me its an effort already). i think the only reason they thought im some kind of intelligent person was through people who knew me before. so its just hearsay, devoid of any basis. as for others who have known me long enough, they still have faith that the old me is somewhere inside me, hibernating or something. they still believe i can do things simply because they believe i can still be as good as i was before.

anyway, i thought i cant afford to be lazy anymore. the longer i continue the lazy lifestyle, the dumber i get. i need to do some hardwork and aim higher (i hate hardwork when im the one doing it!). actually, its time to always aim for number one at everything. crap. i hate it but if i want to keep up with greatness, i have to. this new lawyer environment is no longer some "kid stuff" which i can easily deal with. i miss the days when greatness was some effortless thing. of course i can always choose not to be great or not be a man of greatness but i got this far already, might as well make the best of it. im not convinced with what i just said but i do feel bad if i dont make good use of this lawyering thing.