dear august 2011

so august we meet again.

well, were about to meet again in an hour (hopefully, im already sleeping by then). my normal luck will shut itself down for a month and i will have to deal with life, with its nasty tricks, without any help from the universe. to make things worse, mercury will go retrograde.

much as i dont want to meet you every year, i know i have to. not because youre an inevitability but because i have assigned your purpose. i grew up being treated by some people as that boy no one likes. its not that i was an outcast. far from it. i had really good friends. friends that really stayed with me through thick and thin. i had a very good and happy childhood (life was beatiful then). but being the hyperactive sociable kid (with the tendency to be greedy), i wanted to be liked by all. and everyone knows no one can win them all. being able to get good grades year after year doesnt mean all my teachers will like me. being sociable and friendly doesnt mean i can be friends with everyone or with anyone. and being related to my relatives doesnt mean im going to be accepted and treated like one. i had a hard time gaining some of my teachers' acknowledgement that im a good student (i was too noisy, too hyperactive, too annoying for some. some of my class advisers got tired of defending me from other teachers). i didnt become friends with a lot of classmates simply because i really cant be friends with each and everyone of them (but i always exerted an effort to reach out and then obviously, rejected because im not really their type. i was a dark and skinny kid. yeah, ive been discriminated against). and i had a difficult time getting most of my cousins' trust and approval (i was too talkative and i was also the youngest then so i got treated how most people treat the youngest in any group...the kid you pick on or the one that you cant relate to because he's too young. so i felt i always got left out and i dont belong).

its because of these experiences that motivated me to push myself forward and to become dependent on myself. i learned then that i dont need teachers to prove my intellectual worth. i dont need friends to feel secure about myself. and i dont need relatives to feel that im part of something or i have to be part of something. i dont really need anyone to be happy. this statement eventually became "i dont need happiness". thus, i became that emotionless silent type who doesnt care about anything except himself. but over the years, i loosened up a bit, softened up a bit, because of some good (and patient) friends and relatives who changed thanks to the maturity brought by age. in a way the "positive" change in me was a good thing but at the same time the change gets in the way of self-improvement. the change made me "weak".

thats where you, my dear august, comes in. being the only month (usually), thats harsh on me, ive decided to harness your cruelty to motivate myself and push myself forward (because thats how ive been programmed. i need negative stuff to do something positive. receiving positive stuff only makes me complacent). ive been on a slump for years and ive been trying to pull myself together but cant. so instead of doing my usual "preparing for the worst" attitude every august, im going to take it a bit further and try to capitalize on whatever shit you throw at me. of course, im not going to ask you to bring your worst. honestly, i really would like to take a break because im tired. even if ive had the other 11 months treating me "nicely" compared to you, its been a really tiring year. actually, since 2008, things started becoming tiring (i still have that 2008 birthday card that wished that i could get the much needed rest). and i expect it to be more tiring over the coming years. so i would have to toughen myself up the way i used to do and that is now your purpose august. so far youve never failed to ruin stuff for me lately (lately means past few years) so im going to expect you to be the usual irritating month that brings me a series of unfortunate events.

Echo used to have a different meaning to me when i was in college

my sister asked me how come i dont use the PS3 to play games. she noted that 75% of the time i use it to watch videos of Girls' Generation.

like i said in one of my PS3 blog entries, what convinced me to buy the PS3 was that it can play .avi files. of course i was already persuaded to buy the video game console because of the wide selection and type of games that can played on the PS3 but what made me really want it is its capability to play movies and videos. sure i can watch the same videos on our LCD TV because it has a USB slot but i will have to keep on transferring and deleting the videos on my flash drive. with a PS3 with a 320gig hard disk, i can store it in the game console and play it anytime i want. i dont have to open my laptop, get a flash drive, copy the video and then plug it on the TV. in effect, i turned my PS3 into a media player with a video library.

it will take years before i manage to watch all the Girls' Generation videos available for download. aside from having hundreds of videos (ranging from TV programs, dramas, variety shows, reality shows, commercials, interviews, etc.), it takes time to download each video and i have a job so i can only watch it when i have free time. given my schedule, it will really take me years. and since they are still at their peak, more videos are added to their list of shows. of course, there will come a time i will get tired of it (im not like the hardcore fans who will readily answer "never" when asked if they will stop liking the girl group). i got tired of 50 First Dates (to a certain extent). i got tired of Sadako (didnt use my desktop wallpaper of her since 2004). i got tired of Pokemon (i was addicted to the Pokemon game on Nintendo Gameboy when i was in fourth year high school. no one noticed because no one expected a silent type to be playing it at home). i got tired of Mafia Wars and Cityville (hence i dont open my facebook account unless i cant think of anything else to do). i got tired of the other stuff i was addicted to that i dont even remember what they were. when that time comes, maybe i will start treating my PS3 like a video game console. but for now, these 9 angels will continue to echo in my brain and enjoy their videos stored in my PS3.

tragic third week of july

three dead relatives in 4 days. my father's brother died last wednesday (stroke), my father's cousin died last thursday (heart attack), and my second cousin on my father's side died last saturday (car accident).

i was supposed to go to catanduanes tonight to attend my uncle's wake but i really cant leave my work. even if im done with the important pleading (submitted it today), new stuff keeps cropping up and i still havent handled my work related "to do" backlog.

i managed to go to my other uncle's wake last saturday night. little did we know then that in a few hours, my second cousin will figure in a tragic car accident. i can still remember his father greeting me cheerfully when i went to our relative's wake and saying goodbye to me as i was about to leave. he even apologized to me for not being able to go to my thanksgiving party. he was absolutely clueless of the tragic news he was going to receive in a few hours that saturday night. i dont know the details yet but i can imagine him coming home from his cousin's wake to find out one of his sons is dead. its really tragic. i can discuss this stuff like this because im not really close to my relatives but i do consider them as family.

my paternal clan unexpectedly became busy attending wakes of relatives. it also makes my parents extremely worried with death lurking in our family in this manner. my father keeps calling from catanduanes to check if were safe. i dont think they have to worry about me. if my sense of foresight is as good as i think it is, there's nothing to worry about me for now. sure i can die anytime because of a heart attack or a stroke but i think dying for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (like being in a 7-11 store when robbers suddenly decide to rob the store and recklessly shoot customers) is more probable at this point of my life than health reasons. the most harm my health can give me right now is pain and discomfort (which is what it has been doing for quite some time now). i think a freak accident is a more probable cause of death too. what im trying to say is, given my current way of life, its very unlikely for me to die of common causes of death (vehicular accidents, fatal health stuff, etc.).

if life would like to try to be funny, it would contradict me and im going to die in my sleep and this would be my last blog post. the good thing about it is, i dont have to go to work. the bad thing about it is...if i just knew, i would have used up my money on stuff and didnt save any. but i dont think im going to worry about that when im dead. but if i do die now or in the near future, at least im back on the path i once took where i dont have regrets. or at least i think im back to having some sense of contentment.

my laptop was nice enough to scare me

i have a pleading that's due tomorrow. this pleading is so important to me that i invested a lot of time handling it compared to my Supreme Court petitions. i went out of my way to do extra research and even spent my own money for miscellaneous expenses. i had a draft of the pleading printed last friday and did some proofreading at KFC matalino for some final corrections (im too lazy to go to Burger King Timog given the rainy weather. i was informed that Mcdonalds Matalino will be under renovation for four months. crap. im left with KFC Matalino which isnt even half as good as Mcdonalds in every aspect. KFC matalino is open 24 hours and has wifi but i cant plug my laptop to an electrical socket simply because they dont have any for customers (according to their cashier). and the level of service is simply inefficient. and i dont think their coffee is good. so i bought coffee at 7-11 and then brought it with me to KFC. the only good thing about KFC is the chicken. i think everything else sucks. i think thats why i like Mcdonalds and Burger King, they dont only focus on the quality of their food but the other needs of their customers. and i digress).

after doing some proof reading i headed home. when i got home, i thought of making the corrections later since im not in the mood to continue working. i decided to do other stuff like updating the ringtones of my siblings' phones (i either get them a bunch of new ringtones or i make their requested customized ringtones from songs they like). i do the file transfers between phones and computers since i dont want our computers and cellphones to be infected by viruses and other malicious software. my laptop is the only computer which has an updated anti-virus. the other two computers have outdated ones (which i need to add to my "things to do" list since my siblings arent good with installing "good" software).

anyway, i think my laptop sensed im procrastinating so it decided to have its screen turn black to give me a scare. when it did that, i thought "what the? seriously? why does shit like this happen right before something really important? machines have the knack for breaking down on deadlines". it seems life and computers have conspired against crammers and procrastinators. good thing i have a good sense of foresight. i have an online back-up of my pleading due tomorrow and a copy in my flash drive in case for some reason, i have no internet access. but even with the back-up copies, it will make things inconvenient without my laptop. i still have lots of minor corrections to do.

instead of panicking, i tried to analyze what could have caused the problem. i checked if its lights were still on. the power button light was still on so it meant it didnt switch itself off (like when it overheats). the wifi indicator was also still on and its other indicator was blinking so it meant the laptop was still running. the fact its not the blue screen of death meant its not some error in the operating system. so i thought the only thing left was the screen itself. there's something wrong with the LCD screen. since i still remember what was on the desktop before the screen went black, i somehow managed to navigate through the screen and switch itself off. since its an LCD screen problem, i can plug it to the LCD TV and just continue my work there (now i dont regret buying a VGA cable for the LCD TV). but when i plugged my laptop to the LCD TV, it worked fine again.

because of the little scare/trick my laptop did, i was forced to finish my work early. now i just hope it wont do the same thing tomorrow when im about to print my finished pleading. i also hope the office printer wont malfunction because it will be quite expensive to print fifty plus pages. ive already spent a lot for this pleading.

reminds me of grade school dance presentations

somehow the choreography for this song felt a bit different from the choreography of their other songs. this one takes me back to the 90s (late 80s/early 90s, especially the dance move at 1:55). i think their dance moves for this song are heavily influenced by that decade.  im thinking this one was made by a different choreographer since it makes use of dance moves that aren't as original or trendy as the choreography for their other songs. 

if only i could be this motivated in planning the pleading im currently writing

watched the final Harry Potter movie last sunday. we (me and my siblings) were supposed to watch it next week because my brother said he has stuff to do last sunday. but my brother wanted to watch it so badly that he worked on what he was supposed to do last saturday night. come sunday morning, he said he was already free to watch the movie.

ever since the first harry potter movie, i knew there will be long lines. i even experienced watching a harry potter movie under SRO conditions (i used to have the habit of watching movies again if i really liked it. the last time i watched a movie a 2nd time while it was still showing in cinemas was TF2). given that the harry potter movie is not just any movie due to the long lines it creates, when my brother told me he is free to watch the movie that sunday morning, i knew we need to have a plan. i always make plans for this kind of movies. getting a good seat is very important. were not supposed to be seated at the side of the cinema (if im in charge of buying the movie tickets, getting seats located at the side of the cinema is unacceptable). i always get the middle seats of the middle portion of the cinema. and the distance from the screen must be just right (not too near, not too far). i always aim for the best seat in the cinema whenever i watch a movie (and i always try to bring a jacket in case the cinema is too cold. i dont want to be distracted by the room temperature). getting good seats isnt a problem for most movies but for insanely successful movies, the only time one can easily get good seats is when the movie has been released for weeks. that's why i was willing to watch the last harry potter movie next week so it would be easy to get good seats. but since my siblings wanted to watch it already, we need to be at the mall premises before 10am not only to avoid the long lines but also to be able to pick the good seats.

aside from getting there early, i had to check which cinema has the most available seats before we line up. i checked the available seats online and found out which cinema we should aim for (and which cinema we should pick next in case the good seats are already taken). i could have made an online reservation but since i havent tried it yet, there is the possibility of unforeseen error due to my lack of experience in making online purchase of tickets and seat reservations. i didnt want to take that chance and be disturbed by an unfortunate event while i watch the movie. with a particular cinema in mind, we went to the mall and got there 5 minutes before the mall opened. it was good to know that my watch is still attuned to the time the mall opens (my watch is exactly 20 minutes ahead of the mall time). as we were walking towards the mall entrance, i instructed my brother to line up at the movie ticket booth at the main building while im going to line up at the building where the digital 3D cinema is located (in case the ticket booths dont open at the same time). i told him that it is impossible for both of us to be the first person in line because there's always someone who will get there faster. i told him this because he joked that we were preparing too much so we might as well anticipate if both of us are first in line. since i know that the probability of that happening is very low, i didnt bother using some brain cells to anticipate such a situation.

anyway, the mall opened, people rushed in and more than half of this people started heading to the movie ticket booths. i ended up as the 10th person in line. my brother said he was also tenth in line. but given that my line is being served by two counters simultaneously, im going to reach the counter much faster so i told him to leave his line. when it was my turn at the counter, all i had to do is say the particular cinema, check if the seats are available and then purchase the tickets. my transaction was supposed to take only 30 seconds but the girl at the counter had problems processing my payment. such an inefficient creature.

with the movie tickets acquired, now comes lunch. since the movie will start around lunch time, we had to eat our lunch at least one hour before noon. that too should be planned well. we need to find a place which can serve our lunch quickly (or with the least probability of delay) and we must be able to finish our lunch in 30 minutes in order for us to have sufficient time to buy chips, popcorn and drinks. when we watched KP2, we failed to choose the right place to eat dinner so we werent able to claim our free popcorn for the movie because  by the time we reached the cinema (which was 5 minutes before the movie starts because of the delay caused by the restaurant), the line for the snack booth was so long it was impossible to claim it in 5 minutes (we were able to claim it after the movie. during the movie, i was thinking if i can miss 10-15 minutes of the movie so i can step out of the cinema to claim the free popcorn. so i was already distracted while watching the movie). given this experience, it should never happen again so i now take into account the lines at the snack booth and the time it takes for the meal to be served.

since i wasnt expecting to watch the last harry potter movie that sunday morning, my mind was racing trying to think and anticipate everything so that i can make sure that we wont have problems before we enter the cinema. i want to watch a movie without worries or be disturbed by prior unfortunate events. i dont want to feel rushed either before i enter the cinema.

thats how i am...or how i can be whenever i take my movie time seriously.

the things i did today

tried to revisit my law student/bar review days. i went to UP earlier today to have some TSNs photocopied. since the cheapest photocopying service i know is located inside the UP law library, i decided to have it photocopied there. unfortunately, and as usual, they have tons of stuff to photocopy so they wont be able to photocopy my TSNs immediately and i will have to return for it later that afternoon. so i did my work in one of the libraries i frequently went to during my bar review days - the econ library. the desks and the air conditioning in this library is much better than the law library. the only good thing about the law library is that its generally more quiet compared to other libraries. i remember my cousin noting that when she went to the law library (when she was still in college. and that was when i was still in high school), the students there gave her dagger looks and asked her to be quiet. and she told me she cant believe how serious students were inside the law library. i just gave her an expression that tells her that "shouldnt you be quiet inside a library?"

this is one of the things i constantly thought about during my bar review days: why can't people shut up inside libraries and chapels? arent these places supposed to be quiet? people talk a lot inside libraries and chapels. why are they in the library/chapel in the first place? shouldnt the primary activity inside a library is to read, and inside a chapel to pray? i think my college professor is right. Filipinos dont know how to whisper. they (since i know how to whisper, im going to use "they" instead of "we" Filipinos) whisper like Homer Simpson. i tweeted last year about how inconsiderate these people are for their natural inability to whisper. i remember thinking that librarians should have some kind of disciplinary powers to kick out anyone who "disturbs the peace". now that i think about it, i told myself during last weekend's mall wide sale that humans are so annoyingly noisy. how can they live in such a state of constant noise? why did humans decide to become noisy creatures? well, im not against loud stuff. im just against senseless noise (so there's meaningful noise) or simple noise that can be avoided. and rock music, even heavy metal, is not senseless noise. senseless noise is any audible thing that has no value or worth. so small talk devoid of any use except just to make use of one's vocal chords for the purpose of not conveying anything meaningful is senseless noise. the sound created by a construction area is an unavoidable noise. the squeaking sound created by a person with restless leg syndrome is a simple noise that can be avoided. i have restless leg syndrome and whenever my foot creates a squeaking sound, i adjust my legs so i wont have the urge to move it because i find the noise really annoying.

i digressed. i was supposed to write about revisiting my law student/bar review days. anyway, i worked inside the econ library (read some cases and edited a pleading), picked up my photocopied TSNs late in the afternoon then went to the mall. i went there to go to BK and try continue working there. but the place was packed. so i thought there should be more establishments for people like me who needs to plug their laptops (a tablet is starting to become more necessary by the minute. but given my recent expenses and foreseeable possible expenses, i might not be able to buy one until next year. sigh). normally, i would watch a movie so my trip to the mall wont be a waste but since im no longer a student, i cant use my time for other stuff just like that. watching movies needs to be scheduled (because i take my movie time seriously). i decided to have a quick bite at taco bell instead then headed home. my problem when im at home is that its almost impossible for me to work unless im in the mood or im cramming something. im really more productive if i take my work in my usual "work" areas (fastfood restos and libraries).

maybe this is where i got my "one day at a time" philosophy

this song unexpectedly entered my head when i was disturbed by my cousin to tell me that my name is in the broadsheets. since i was already half-asleep while listening to 80s music, i grumpily said that its nothing new since its already the 2nd time my name has been mentioned in the printed news (yeah, i just ruined his cheerful mood. what can i do, i get really grumpy when someone wakes me up for something i dont find worth waking up to).

anyway, when i was about to resume sleep, this song started playing in my head. i decided to google it then find it on youtube since i have no idea what the song is. found out it was some praise song. i knew this song because when i was in grade school, we used this song for some school presentation. i cant remember the details of that school activity but i do remember some of the lyrics (thats why it was easy to google). i think i sang and presented the part "Even though you might grow weary / Don't be discouraged / In our weakness God is strong" because i still clearly remember the lyrics and the following stanza.

remembering this song made me realize how much i like doing school presentations. i enjoyed doing the song and dance activities. even in high school i try not to look i enjoy it during practice but when the actual presentation comes, i bring my A game. i still like doing this kind of stuff because i still did it during law school for the malcolm madness presentations and class projects. i like performing on stage. i guess i didnt consider developing this interest because people keep telling me i have a brain. people usually praised me for my intellect rather than the other stuff i do (like drawing). now that im thinking about this topic of other interests, i remembered wanting to become a comedian. i wanted to perform and make people laugh. specifically, through visual gags and not through stand-up comedy. that was when i was still a hyperactive kid. 



with this song found, i have another song from my childhood that i need to find. this song will be much difficult to look for since the only word i remember from the song is "stalingrad". im not even sure if its "stalingrad". maybe its "leningrad". i will have to wait for the song to enter my head unexpectedly to gain useful clues on how to find it.

havent seen it. i just like listening to it

who in their right mind would use the x-files theme as a cellphone alarm that goes off at 11:45 pm? well, i do. i have several cellphone reminders scheduled to set off 15 minutes before midnight to remind me of stuff before i sleep. and i chose the x-files theme as my alarm for such reminders. i think its been more than a year since ive had this alarm and it always makes me wonder where the creepy sound is coming from (although lately, im getting used to it). sometimes im cramming something late at night while everyone is asleep then the x-files theme suddenly plays. usually, im busy doing something or im half-asleep when the alarm goes off. not that the alarm tone scares me (i have a history of staring at a sadako desktop wallpaper in the dark at 1am. i was addicted to sadako then) but i always forget that its my cellphone alarm. so my usual initial reaction is wonder where the sound is coming from. it takes a few seconds for me to realize its my cellphone.

i chose it as my alarm tone because i dont want to have a loud/noisy ringtone that would go off a few minutes before midnight. well, i could have chosen another mellow ringtone like the song from "il postino" but i just had to choose a scary ringtone. one of these days, i would really like this alarm tone to go off while im outdoors in a somewhat silent and dark area and see if people would react the same way as i do: trying to find out where the hell the creepy sound is coming from. 

now that i think about it, i havent seen one full episode of the X-files. not a single one (just like Ally Mcbeal). i just accidentally watch parts of it then change the channel.

i try not to burden myself

a day after i wrote an MJ post, MJ starts haunting me. sort of. most of the places i passed by today were playing MJ songs.

anyway, i realized one of the perks of being a lawyer is that people treat you nicely when they find out you're a lawyer. i try not to look like one. i always wear a collared shirt, jeans and sneakers (plus five o'clock shadow). thats why a while ago, someone from the government office i went to told me that she will introduce me to their office lawyer but i had to act like one when i start to introduce myself. i guess i do appear to be someone who is not a lawyer (a law school batchmate who saw me when i dropped by a QC court told me that i still look like a student with my get-up). i guess i dont project the confidence lawyers have. its burdensome on my part to do that. im really reluctant to play such a role when i can do my lawyering without it. although i admit it makes a lawyer more effective, but as long as i can get by with using the least amount of effort, i will stick to what im comfortable with.

i dont introduce myself as a lawyer right away. i only tell people when they ask what i do. even when im filling out forms, if i can leave the occupation part blank, i will leave it blank. im really hesitant to inform people im a lawyer. whenever people find out my job, some of them starts to treat me differently. some start to have some sort of expectation. again, its burdensome. i would prefer to be treated by people the way they treat most people. that way i really get to know the person. i dont want to receive a special treatment from a person who only treats me in such a manner because of my profession. but like i mentioned earlier, it is one of the perks. so i only try to make use of it when necessary or when it cant be avoided. there's something about the word "lawyer" that its some kind of magic word for most people. once they hear it, they start to act differently in my favor...most of the time. sometimes when people find out that im a lawyer, they give me a puzzled look and wonder why the hell would i want to be one of the vilest creatures on earth (and i found it refreshing to receive such a reaction).

i just dont feel it anymore.

its been a couple years since Michael Jackson died and i think i havent posted any blog entry about him. when i learned about his death, i was working for an NGO and i just heard it from an officemate. i didnt bother to know the details nor was i really surprised that he died. i didnt really care about the guy anymore so i wasnt that interested. i just thought, he's dead. so what? but i told myself then that i had to write an entry about him. he was my idol when i was a kid so he means something. or used to mean something.

what made me like MJ was his dance moves. i used to like to dance. i still think im good at it and can dance better than an average person (although im not sure if i look good doing it given my height. sometimes, my height makes me look awkward when i do stuff done by people with average height). anyway, i liked his songs too. in fact, the second cassette tape i owned was his Dangerous album (which i played in my walkman). i also contemplated buying the HIStory: Past, Present and Future, book I album but i found it too expensive. i was just a grade school student with a P20 allowance.

my mother didnt like him and discouraged me from idolizing MJ. ever since he started becoming white, he was just too weird and creepy. but i didnt care then. i liked him for his dance moves which i tried to copy. i copied it a lot that i became a choreographer for my grade school batch in one of our batch presentations. that was an ego boost. our class adviser was asking who could do the choreography for the MJ song and i was recommended by my classmates.

by the time i reached high school, i stopped liking pop music. well, not really. i still liked pop music as long as it was sung by a hot female or a group of hotties (i remember when i was in fourth year high school, i was thinking hard whether to buy the red hot chili peppers album or the album of a pretty spanish pop singer. i chose the latter). since then, i just stopped liking MJ. i noticed he released a few more singles over the years and maybe a couple of albums but i just didnt care anymore. i guess when a part of me died in high school, the part of me that was hyperactive, talkative, cheerful and liked to dance, i just stopped caring about stuff that i really loved when i was a kid. actually, i have a theory why i "died", why i dropped everything i liked before, why i stopped being happy. there's no way to test the theory at the moment. point is, im dead or the part of me that is alive is locked inside (and i have a theory how to revive that part of me. i just dont want to test it). here i am trying to write an entry about this guy that i think influenced me a lot when i was a kid but i really dont care about him anymore. its from a happy childhood which is a thing of the past.

so there you go. after a couple of years, i finally wrote an MJ entry. im not really obligated to write it but its something that i need to flush out of my mind. whenever i hear an MJ song, i remind myself to write an entry. its like a burdensome assignment that i want to get rid of. if yukie nakama died, i would probably write an entry much sooner and much better than this one. i dont know. i still acknowledge that MJ is a great performer and truly a pop icon and i really did idolize him. its just that over the years, ive changed a lot and much as i want to write something good about the king of pop, i just cant simply because im not the same person as i was before. it just so happens there's a voice in my head nagging me to write something about the dead guy. i guess the better thing to do is post a video that somehow pays tribute to him.

i think i need to get a second job

i said something to myself earlier this morning that made me ask myself again whether i heard myself right. i do surprise myself from time to time. i asked myself why i think i need a tablet computer because im really trying to manage my expenses (this is my deliberative process where i try to convince myself whether an expensive item is worth buying. i ask myself from time to time questions and see if my answer will be consistent and persuasive, given that im the type who loses interest on things after some time. losing interest is equal to treating it as if it doesn't exist). lately, ive spent more than what was scheduled due to some unexpected expenses. so i answered myself saying that i need a tablet computer so i can work wherever i go, even when im on vacation.

huh? seriously? i want to work while taking a vacation? actually there's no surprise there but my initial thought for wanting a tablet computer is for easy access to files while im on the move, for efficiency. using a laptop just to check a portion written in a MS word file or just to check an email isnt efficient. and its not that accessible especially when i receive a call to check something in my computer while im lining up in a fastfood restaurant. so i thought a tablet computer would be nice. i could use it as an e-reader too (thats why i dropped kindle off my list) and i can check my codal provisions with ease. or make some minor editing on my pleadings when an idea suddenly comes to mind. i didnt consider wanting it so i can work while on vacation (although, admittedly, it will have that purpose but still, its not one of the favorable arguments i considered before). and i doubt i will be taking a vacation this year or probably next year (maybe by the end of next year would be the earliest).

so i asked myself another question, am i really a workaholic? maybe in a way i am. sure im not the type who gives his best in doing his work but somehow, my work is my life. its something that occupies me and its something worth doing. i dont like abandoning unfinished work and i try to be as responsible as i can be but i dont really love my work as much as it appears. not because i dont like it but i just dont love anything (unless one would want to construe my being an infatuation junkie as an exhibition of love, which i doubt can be considered as equal to one another). or maybe working is something that somehow minimizes the boredom thats why i appear to be always working.

anyway, the weekend has arrived. i will get some well needed rest. i bought the groceries today right after work so i wont have much to do this weekend. the only thing i have left for tomorrow is pay some bills. then if im in the mood, might do some work. i sound like a workaholic but i think im not. this work could have been finished weeks ago but since there's no deadline yet, ive been doing it on a piecemeal basis. so im not procrastinating and im not really working hard either. i just try to do my work with the least amount of stress.

swimming in a sea of contentment? not really

i feel different today. im not sure if its because of my illness but i just feel different. its like walking on a peaceful street when the sun is about to set, seeing on one side of the street a serene old woman greeting affectionately a passing neighbor while a group of teens cheerfully walks and chats with each other on the other side of the street. no signs of any worries from them. the air is calm with the leaves of trees barely moving but one can still feel a faint wind hitting one's face. and the street is just really quiet as the sun continues its gradual descent. the atmosphere is just plain peaceful. a peaceful sunday afternoon. not much clouds. not much wind. not even a gentle breeze. its not a happy atmosphere. not sad either. its simply peaceful. and its what i am experiencing right now. the feeling of peace and contentment is not foreign to me but somehow, this one does. its a different kind of peace. its not the kind of sense of contentment im familiar with. the feeling of peace and contentment im familiar with is the one based from reason and rational thoughts. its a product of what's within me. i strengthen my sense of contentment with reason. but this peaceful feeling im having now is different in a sense that it does not come from my inner being. it seems to be coming from the outside and enclosing me with its calming influence. the reason im sure the feeling isnt coming from within me is because my inner self is disturbed by a lot of things, mostly work related and difficult decisions regarding my future. then there's stuff from the past that keeps haunting me. i should be in panic mode right now because i should have worked all day but i woke up around 5:30 pm. i managed to convince myself to rest instead so as not to aggravate my illness. but my mind is telling me that come tomorrow, i just increased my workload so i just procrastinated. yet despite the inner conflicts, the peaceful feeling with its incredible influence, makes me feel relaxed to the point my mind is shouting this is crazy.

or maybe its just my overpowering sense of laziness coupled with my "im sick so i dont care" attitude. in any case, i didnt get any job done today when i should have. im too weak to summon and use crammer mode but by tomorrow, i wouldnt have any choice. deadlines are fatal to a lawyer. i guess i will have to work while i sleep, meaning start writing the draft in my dream. havent done that before but there's no harm in trying such an idea.