Desperation Day celebrates the 2nd and 4th paragraph

"Mangyari Lamang" 

ni Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmamahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag-ibig
Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
Sa mga malabo ang paningin.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
Nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
Habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya.

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata
Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli
Ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto’t diwata.

Mangyari lamang na tumayo ang nagmahal, minahal at iniwan, ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
Nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
Nang maging makahulugan ang mga paghahagulhol sa dilim.

At sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
Mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis palabas sa nakangangang pinto
Umuwi na kayo!
At sumbatan ang mga magulang na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw.

At sa lahat ng mga nakaiwang nakatayo
Mangyari lamang na hagkan ang isa’t isa, at yakapin ang mga sugatan
Mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
Manatiling masaya, at higit sa lahat, magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

im becoming too spontaneous

i was having a not so good day yesterday. the morning grocery was ok. the puregold playlist was nice. they played Alanis' Hand in my Pocket, Layla Kaylif's Shakespeare in Love, Lisa Loeb's Stay, Avril Lavigne's Im With You and some song by Rico Blanco. it was weird to hear that kind of song selection from Puregold. anyway, the not so good part of the day happened in the afternoon.

i was planning on working at BK timog. just like old times. trying to take myself back to 2008. unfortunately, the 2nd floor was closed. crap. so i just bought myself some food to go and then went to my lonely office to work there. after working for hours, it got too lonely. tried texting people but no one was available. so i decided to go to the UP chapel to pay God a visit. then when i decided to head home, i thought, why not take the long route home. pass by Katipunan and then Sikatuna. while on Katipunan, i thought, why not go to Marikina and pay a visit to my grandparents. so i ended up at Loyola Memorial Park. there i cried my eyes out a bit. its the first time i did something like this. i remember giving a speech during my grandmother's wake. if im not mistaken, i was the first among the grandchildren to speak. i was introduced as the 13th grandchild. my short speech went something like this:

"ngayon ko lang po nalaman na ako pala ang pang-13 na apo ni nana. kung ako ay naging malas para sa kanya, di natin malalaman. sana hindi. ummm...wala po ako masyadong fond memories with my grandmother. we weren't really that close. naalala ko lang na noong bata ako. pinagalitan ako ni nana. kasi di ko daw sya pinapansin pag nagkikita kami sa daan. paano ko naman po sya papansinin. naglalaro ako sa kalye ng habulan. alangan naman huminto ako para batiin sya, eh di nataya ako. pasensya na nana. sadyang pinanganak lang po akong suplado.

naalala ko din na isang beses, nasa cubao kami ng nanay ko. nakasalubong namin si nana, pababa ng jeep. nag-usap sila ng nanay ko sandali tapos sabi sa akin, sama daw ako kay nana kas ibibili nya ako ng laruan. magbibirthday ako noon. punta kami ni nana sa SM cubao, sa toyland. sabi ni nana, piliin ko daw kahit anong laruan, ibibigay nya sa akin. eh ikot naman ako sa toyland. medyo pihikan kasi ako kaya wala talaga ako mapili. ang tagal namin sa toyland noon. nung medyo napansin ko na ang tagal na namin doon, pinili ko na lang yung Spider-man na Bend-ems. sobrang special ng laruan na iyon para sa akin dahil yun ang laruan na naalala ko na binili sa akin ni nana. kahit nagkasira-sira na ito at naputol pa yung kamay, di ko ito tinapon.

kung tutuusin, may tampo ako kay nana. si nana kasi yung tipong may mga favorite. at di ako ang isa sa mga favorite nya. pero ngayon ko lang narealize na, napaka-unfair ko. kasi di naman porket di ako favorite ay di na nya ako mahal. kaya kahit may mga favorite sya, it doesnt change the fact na mahal pa rin nya kaming lahat ng mga apo nya. and to receive love from someone who's been through a lot of pain and sacrifice is a big deal kasi its coming from someone who has so much love to give. kaya nana, im sorry and pasensya na kung naging ganito ako. salamat sa pagmamahal"

yeah. i think my speech went along that line. and yesterday, while i was crying my eyes out in front of their grave, i was telling them that i hope i inherited my grandfather's lawyering skills. that i become a great lawyer just like my grandfather. that i dont disappoint my clients and serve them well. i wished my grandfather could give me pointers on how to be a good lawyer. i mean, he was a practicing lawyer until he became seriously ill because of old age. i hope i develop the same passion for lawyering.

and if there's anything i would like to inherit from my grandmother, its her strong heart. i hope i inherited her resilient heart that's never afraid to love and can endure all the pain and sacrifice. she's been through a lot of heartaches. she lost her husband to someone else and she lost two sons because they were killed for their political convictions. but that did not stop her from loving the people around her. and up until the end, seeing her in that hospital bed during her last days, i can still see her wanting to express her love for us, wanting to show her appreciation and longing to be with her loved ones. the thing im proud of my grandmother is that, her great love, her strong heart, made her live with no regrets, which made her close to God. i think that's how she lived. and yesterday, i really hoped that i have a heart as big as hers. or at least, i can love the same way she did. love someone without reservations. that its not a game where you win or lose but its something that you allow to happen and grow within you. i really hope that i have my grandmother's heart. and her courage to face pain and suffering that comes along with truly loving another person.

after the short visit, i thought of visiting my grandparents more frequently. then i went home. but before i got home, i got a flat tire. then i thought, "crap. even dead people dont want me around". or maybe my grandfather is still pissed because i went to Puerto Galera during his wake.

yup. im too old to be acting like a kid

ive been drinking a lot lately. i missed it. i miss drinking buckets of beer. the sad part is, im the only one drinking a lot. my friends just drink a bottle or two while i drink five. just to have the buzz i guess. i wondered, "what the crap happened to us?" life was much better when we were young and reckless. now, everyone's safe and steady. doesnt it bore them? can't we do anything more fun than a few bottles of beer and out of town trips? are the crazy times really gone? are they happy with being boring?

then a thought hit me. they dont need to drink like i do simply because they arent bored. they're happy actually. theyre happily attached to someone or they're with good company. and that makes their lives so much better that they dont need crazy nights, buckets of beer and insane moments.

fuck. im one of the few left who's still single. but then again, i already thought about this. i mean, i knew im going to be single up until this point. actually until death comes for me. i knew what to expect. but what i didnt expect is how hard the sudden realization will hit me when im actually experiencing what i have anticipated.

lately, everyone's getting married and a friend just pointed it out to me last night while she was smoking her cigarette. i just told her, "well, were old". but is that what really explains why people are getting married? not really. its just everyone wants to settle down because theyre ready to settle down. thats why they get married. they found that someone they want to settle down with. boring from my point of view but for them, its immensely satisfying. would i want that? of course. but the real question, will i be given the opportunity to have that? i hope so. cant believe im starting to have hope. yeah. its time to admit that i do want what my friends are having. not out of envy. because im tired of convincing myself that i can be a loner til i die, that all i need is myself

i have a bad feeling about this

usually when i buy groceries, i do it systematically by covering each aisle. i dont have a list. i just look at the shelves and get what i need or want. i also have a budget. but i do the computation mentally. and it works out. i havent exceeded my grocery budget by more than P500 despite the lack of list of stuff to buy and by just grabbing food items from shelves. i just walk and grab stuff then compute. when i think im about to exceed my budget, i check which item needs to go. but like i said, i haven't really exceeded my budget to the point i need to return items.

anyway, i did something different a while ago. instead of the usual thing of walking at every aisle, i just allowed my feet to take me where it wanted to take me. to my suprise, i ended up at the aisle where the item i forgot to buy at the other supermarket was located. how nice. so i tried to do it again, i just kept walking without thinking and for the second time, i found the next item i was looking for. and these arent items i usually buy so i dont know where its located. i probably looked like an idiot because i was just walking around the supermarket without really looking at the stuff. i just absentmindedly walked around then stopped, then found out that the item i need to get is right in front of me.

i guess my Dirk Gently navigation skills are back. its a navigation skill that is gut based. you dont have to think that much. actually, you rely on your instinct. well, strictly speaking, if i remember correctly, the Dirk Gently navigation skill is following someone who appears to be going to the same place you are going. if that person isnt going to the same place you are going, youre simply bound to reach a place where you may not want to be, but where you need to be. in the end, it is not without purpose. you are exactly where you have to be. that is why i adopted the Dirk Gently navigation system

in a somewhat related note, thats what my deja vus are for. when i get that deja vu phenomenon, it assures me that i am where i am supposed to be. its like telling me that i havent deviated from the path i need to be in. lately, i havent had a deja vu. but then again, the universe has been silent for about a month and a half. last November, its signals were so strong that its really difficult for me to ignore it. then when December kicked in, its like i became deaf and blind because i couldnt sense anything from the universe. what the fuck?

anyway, i think im regaining my non-physical senses back. never lost my sense of foresight but its usually augmented by guts. and this past month, my guts had shit for brains.

Am i more than you bargained for yet? A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

20__, is that you? Damn it!

life is loosely based on movies

back in May 2011, my uncle said i was destined to be a lawyer. because despite the fact it wasnt my childhood dream, or it was never my wholehearted intention to become one, i still ended up being one. up until today i ask, how the hell did i become a fucking lawyer? actually, that is an interesting story. anyway, i guess it is really destiny. but why? i dont think im good at lawyering. i can be good enough if i try. and i rarely try. people expect great things from me. maybe i will be assassinated some day for something political. but before that happens, i need to find my passion. for now, its just mere destiny.

destiny. fate. im not even sure if i believe in it. i think i do. but like all things in my life, i doubt it. im insanely skeptical about everything.

maybe that explains why i like to just keep walking around without a plan. im secretly hoping to bump into a girl that would make me suddenly exclaim "ah! this girl is my destiny". where a simple eye contact, or a sweet smile means something incredibly deep. ive had simple eye contacts and received sweet smiles in return from girls ive met somewhat randomly but none of them were meaningful. the closest thing to something that had a semblance of substance was when i keep accidentally seeing this girl for five consecutive days. i just dropped by to grab a snack in a nearby food stall, "poof!" there she is. i slip inside the computer area to browse something on the internet, there she is printing something. i was just passing by the corridor, she would suddenly come out of the room i had no idea she was in. it was insane because i rarely bump into her prior to that five consecutive day period. what does it mean? why do i keep seeing her? the timing was really perfect. and peculiar. because these fortunate accidents happened after an unfortunate incident. when weve decided to call off the thing we decided to do. i asked for a second chance. she was determined to really end it. or so i think. the first time i bumped into her, i felt really bad because i felt im now looking at the girl that ive lost forever. and she's someone i cant wait forever to have me again. i realized, if i cant wait for her to be ready for it, i really dont like her as much as i thought. just like the girl that ive searched and waited for ten fucking years and in the end, she was just a big disappointment. or that girl that drove me crazy that when things ended, i got severely depressed for months. so much for destiny there.

so maybe im not destined to be with a girl? hm. well, aside from the fact that ive never been attracted to guys, i feel harassed when guys check me out. i cringe at the thought. i enjoy sticking my P in a V. i love boobies. when i was younger, my best experience was riding the Tricycle. there really should be a title belt for this achievement. i just happened to be at the right place at the right time. well, if were talking about experience points. but life isnt really about gaining experience points.

anyway, a friend once told me life isnt a romantic comedy. its not like, things go great, everything is like clockwork, then after all the issues and conflicts in between, its inevitable that in the end, things will work out like magic. maybe relationships are as ordinary as starting out as friends then growing to like and eventually love that person, then actually striving to make things work. if it doesnt work, go your separate ways. i dont know. ive never been a person afflicted with the ordinary. that's why someone said im like the Curious Case of Tristofer Troisvallees. If its different, interesting and challenging, life automatically gives it to me.

maybe destiny isnt what the movies portray it to be. maybe its as simple as meeting someone under peculiar circumstances or in a somewhat unexpected time. someone you will grow to like. someone you'll eventually want to be together with, do activities with, someone that complements or supplements you. or someone that you enjoy the company with. someone kickass or someone insanely incredible. someone you will want to love unconditionally. i mean, what are the chances of meeting someone that you really like, without any pretensions or underlying motives? just grow to like someone in sheer simplicity with a level of connection that is inordinately deep. can destiny be that simple, without all the drama and wonderful fleeting moments?  because if it is, all you have to do is do what everyone is doing, or what most people do. you just keep meeting people until you find that perfect match. you dont wait for fortunate accidents to happen. you dont look for magical moments to come your way. you just try to be open and explore every possibility and hope that magical moment will come to you. if it doesnt, just hope that eventually you will find that perfect fish in the sea. destiny is as simple as reducing those millions of fish to around 50 or less. ok, maybe not 50. 25 or 18? youre lucky to find it after six to seven tries. youre extremely lucky if you only get three strikes. i feel bad for the person who finds it on the first try. really? just one fish? just one V for your entire life? meh. whatever works.

The future is...promising?

There are days when i forget im a lawyer. Today isnt one of those days. Lately, work matters have been really, really stressful. Lately means more or less a month. And stressful not because of the load but because of the uncertainty of  being able to transfer to another employer. I've informed my current office as early as October 2012 that I'm planning to transfer to a government office. Up until today, that has not happened. To make things worse, our associate lawyer resigned last month, leaving behind the entire law office to me.

What's driving me nuts is that I'm in a situation where its hard to make promises to clients. That I cant promise that I'm going to be there for them until their cases end. For a person who never breaks a promise, its difficult for me to say that "I will do my best but I have to inform you now that I might leave the law office any time so I can only commit to the next hearing date" or "I can only help you with the filing of your pleading given that my current status here as a lawyer is a bit uncertain". I know I shouldnt have made such comments but the thing is, I dont want to make a promise that I wont keep. Clients usually ask for a long term relationship with their lawyers. Its tiring to see that look of disappointment in my clients' eyes. Theyve consulted lawyers before and when they finally think they've seen someone they can rely on, someone they want to handle their case, someone who can help them for free, I cant really promise them anything. Some would say it's because deep inside I really care. I do. I will no longer deny that. That maybe, I do have a heart. But some friends say I need to think about myself too. If I'm going to give free legal service, might as well work for the government agency which provides it.

When I started lawyering, I didnt really mind doing it for free. I mean, I'm earning enough to feed myself with good food, provide food for my family, pay bills and have some extra income for miscellaneous stuff. Now, I realized, the future isnt really as simple as the present. And I'm somone who is always prepared for whatever the future brings. Damn it foresight, dont fail me now.