yup. im too old to be acting like a kid

ive been drinking a lot lately. i missed it. i miss drinking buckets of beer. the sad part is, im the only one drinking a lot. my friends just drink a bottle or two while i drink five. just to have the buzz i guess. i wondered, "what the crap happened to us?" life was much better when we were young and reckless. now, everyone's safe and steady. doesnt it bore them? can't we do anything more fun than a few bottles of beer and out of town trips? are the crazy times really gone? are they happy with being boring?

then a thought hit me. they dont need to drink like i do simply because they arent bored. they're happy actually. theyre happily attached to someone or they're with good company. and that makes their lives so much better that they dont need crazy nights, buckets of beer and insane moments.

fuck. im one of the few left who's still single. but then again, i already thought about this. i mean, i knew im going to be single up until this point. actually until death comes for me. i knew what to expect. but what i didnt expect is how hard the sudden realization will hit me when im actually experiencing what i have anticipated.

lately, everyone's getting married and a friend just pointed it out to me last night while she was smoking her cigarette. i just told her, "well, were old". but is that what really explains why people are getting married? not really. its just everyone wants to settle down because theyre ready to settle down. thats why they get married. they found that someone they want to settle down with. boring from my point of view but for them, its immensely satisfying. would i want that? of course. but the real question, will i be given the opportunity to have that? i hope so. cant believe im starting to have hope. yeah. its time to admit that i do want what my friends are having. not out of envy. because im tired of convincing myself that i can be a loner til i die, that all i need is myself