im becoming too spontaneous

i was having a not so good day yesterday. the morning grocery was ok. the puregold playlist was nice. they played Alanis' Hand in my Pocket, Layla Kaylif's Shakespeare in Love, Lisa Loeb's Stay, Avril Lavigne's Im With You and some song by Rico Blanco. it was weird to hear that kind of song selection from Puregold. anyway, the not so good part of the day happened in the afternoon.

i was planning on working at BK timog. just like old times. trying to take myself back to 2008. unfortunately, the 2nd floor was closed. crap. so i just bought myself some food to go and then went to my lonely office to work there. after working for hours, it got too lonely. tried texting people but no one was available. so i decided to go to the UP chapel to pay God a visit. then when i decided to head home, i thought, why not take the long route home. pass by Katipunan and then Sikatuna. while on Katipunan, i thought, why not go to Marikina and pay a visit to my grandparents. so i ended up at Loyola Memorial Park. there i cried my eyes out a bit. its the first time i did something like this. i remember giving a speech during my grandmother's wake. if im not mistaken, i was the first among the grandchildren to speak. i was introduced as the 13th grandchild. my short speech went something like this:

"ngayon ko lang po nalaman na ako pala ang pang-13 na apo ni nana. kung ako ay naging malas para sa kanya, di natin malalaman. sana hindi. ummm...wala po ako masyadong fond memories with my grandmother. we weren't really that close. naalala ko lang na noong bata ako. pinagalitan ako ni nana. kasi di ko daw sya pinapansin pag nagkikita kami sa daan. paano ko naman po sya papansinin. naglalaro ako sa kalye ng habulan. alangan naman huminto ako para batiin sya, eh di nataya ako. pasensya na nana. sadyang pinanganak lang po akong suplado.

naalala ko din na isang beses, nasa cubao kami ng nanay ko. nakasalubong namin si nana, pababa ng jeep. nag-usap sila ng nanay ko sandali tapos sabi sa akin, sama daw ako kay nana kas ibibili nya ako ng laruan. magbibirthday ako noon. punta kami ni nana sa SM cubao, sa toyland. sabi ni nana, piliin ko daw kahit anong laruan, ibibigay nya sa akin. eh ikot naman ako sa toyland. medyo pihikan kasi ako kaya wala talaga ako mapili. ang tagal namin sa toyland noon. nung medyo napansin ko na ang tagal na namin doon, pinili ko na lang yung Spider-man na Bend-ems. sobrang special ng laruan na iyon para sa akin dahil yun ang laruan na naalala ko na binili sa akin ni nana. kahit nagkasira-sira na ito at naputol pa yung kamay, di ko ito tinapon.

kung tutuusin, may tampo ako kay nana. si nana kasi yung tipong may mga favorite. at di ako ang isa sa mga favorite nya. pero ngayon ko lang narealize na, napaka-unfair ko. kasi di naman porket di ako favorite ay di na nya ako mahal. kaya kahit may mga favorite sya, it doesnt change the fact na mahal pa rin nya kaming lahat ng mga apo nya. and to receive love from someone who's been through a lot of pain and sacrifice is a big deal kasi its coming from someone who has so much love to give. kaya nana, im sorry and pasensya na kung naging ganito ako. salamat sa pagmamahal"

yeah. i think my speech went along that line. and yesterday, while i was crying my eyes out in front of their grave, i was telling them that i hope i inherited my grandfather's lawyering skills. that i become a great lawyer just like my grandfather. that i dont disappoint my clients and serve them well. i wished my grandfather could give me pointers on how to be a good lawyer. i mean, he was a practicing lawyer until he became seriously ill because of old age. i hope i develop the same passion for lawyering.

and if there's anything i would like to inherit from my grandmother, its her strong heart. i hope i inherited her resilient heart that's never afraid to love and can endure all the pain and sacrifice. she's been through a lot of heartaches. she lost her husband to someone else and she lost two sons because they were killed for their political convictions. but that did not stop her from loving the people around her. and up until the end, seeing her in that hospital bed during her last days, i can still see her wanting to express her love for us, wanting to show her appreciation and longing to be with her loved ones. the thing im proud of my grandmother is that, her great love, her strong heart, made her live with no regrets, which made her close to God. i think that's how she lived. and yesterday, i really hoped that i have a heart as big as hers. or at least, i can love the same way she did. love someone without reservations. that its not a game where you win or lose but its something that you allow to happen and grow within you. i really hope that i have my grandmother's heart. and her courage to face pain and suffering that comes along with truly loving another person.

after the short visit, i thought of visiting my grandparents more frequently. then i went home. but before i got home, i got a flat tire. then i thought, "crap. even dead people dont want me around". or maybe my grandfather is still pissed because i went to Puerto Galera during his wake.