another battle with myself

ive been craving for a snickers bar since last week and i keep telling myself no. im trying to discipline myself to exercise some restraint on food expenses. pissed, i told myself "whats the point of being a lawyer when i cant even buy a goddamn snickers bar!!!" wow, my argument is flawless. i then reminded myself that more than a year ago, i cant even afford to buy a nice meal. i was on a very tight budget that to buy a snickers bar then would affect a week's budget. so i countered with "thats last year. were dealing with this year and i want a snickers bar". im dealing with a spoiled brat. and to think i wasnt even spoiled when i was a kid.

anyway, i gave in to my demand. i bought a snickers bar so i would stop whining and shut up. i have a pleading to finish. besides, im not thinking straight this recent weekend so i thought it might not be a good idea to deprive myself of something this simple. now that im in the process of loosening up, im at my most unpredictable. i have to be more careful with less restraints, thus im always on the look out for my persona whom i tap when studying criminal cases. i havent met anyone who wasnt surprised to hear him utter statements that reflects his sense of malice.

brown monkey's white whine

last month, i was searching for maroon chucks. i searched for it for two weeks. i even asked the salespeople whether they have such a thing. they either replied "no" or "what's on display is what we have". so i settled for the blue chucks thats almost the same color as my black ones. then two weeks ago, i dropped by a Converse store in Ali Mall and they have one that is almost maroon but not quite (they said it just came out last month. really? i dropped by that store a month earlier and they told me they dont have such a thing. liar. well, its my first time seeing the saleperson there so he must be new).

the maroon like color was good enough for its certainly closer to maroon than the cinnabar one. but i just bought the blue one so i thought im going to save up to get it for christmas. then i dropped by again recently on the same store and they no longer have it. why does this shoe color have to be elusive? like the 39thirty black yankees cap with a white logo that ive been looking for for months. i keep seeing people wearing it but i have no idea where they bought it. the ones i see in malls are the 59fifty ones. im tempted to order it online but the MLB website isnt offering the one im looking for either. im even already open to buying a fake one but i cant even find a fake version of what i want.

now that i can afford stuff like these, ive become more picky. back then, i dont care about what i wear as long as it doesnt have a brand name. now, i have brand preferences (but ive always been the type who has brand preferences and loyalty but back then it was primarily on food). at least i dont go for the really expensive brands (although if i had more money, i probably would). not that im brand conscious but the quality is better. and what i have is more of brand loyalty. i remember when i first owned a pair of adidas shoes and my feet felt the difference and thats why i dont want to change brands.

i think the people around me know that im a difficult person to please when it comes to buying me stuff. i mean, im even having difficulties buying stuff for myself. i really have to convince myself sometimes to settle for something else or completely not get anything. usually, i opt for the latter. settling for an alternative usually ends in disappointment.

home on a saturday night

and my siblings showed me this trending video on youtube. aside from the words "electric bill" and "fire hazard" comes to mind, i really find this impressive. and to think i was impressed with Ted's christmas lights on the recent episode of HIMYM (even if i was really annoyed with Ted's persistence to cheer Robin up).

Do you want to know why I use a knife? - the joker

i no longer carry my dagger with me (the one i used to use as a replacement for the swiss army knife i lost in a place i vowed never to return again). im not referring to my cellphone. im referring to the one that was found in my possession last year by Supreme Court personnel and i was absolutely clueless that it was illegal to have such a thing in my person. that explains the surprised and puzzled look from the security guards because i even told them that i will just leave it with them at their counter since i obviously cant take it with me when i enter the supreme court and i will just get it when im about to leave (the guards quizically looked at each other as if telepathically asking each other "what should we do? is he serious or just stupid to make such a request?"). i dont take it with me anymore now that im aware its illegal to carry it with me, like an unlicensed firearm.

how the hell should i know its illegal? i bought it from some street peddler. but then again, my fellow lawyer told me that pirated DVDs are sold as if they were legitimate items but that doesnt change its illegal nature. he ordered me never to bring such an item anywhere (well, during the time i was clueless its illegal, i was always carrying it with me like when i go to courts, when i went to the Senate, the House of Representatives and other government agencies. it was unintentional since i forgot it was in my bag. ive been carrying it since when i was in law school)

i remember a blockmate asked me whats a nice gift to give to a guy. she was wondering then what to give to her boyfriend for christmas. i answered quickly without hesitation --- a knife. she just gave me a puzzled look that likewise says im crazy. she even asked "a knife?" in a tone that also says "wtf? seriously?".  i dont know. i just have a thing for knives and blades i guess. if i had a lots of money to spare, i would probably be a knife collector.

loling pei pah

every year my alma mater sends me birthday greetings. got one this year and i was at home to receive it. i think i got it about a week ago and its only now that i thought of reading it (as in right now while writing this). i havent been reading the ones sent to me in the recent years (but i still have it. somewhere lost in my room. i dont even know where i placed the message paper given to me by law school friends during the bar exams. i dont know what its called but koreans seem to call it as "rolling paper" where people write "intimate" messages for a particular person on a piece of paper. anyway, i know where my "rolling paper" is in my room. i just dont know where it is exactly. i know its somewhere in my stack of review materials). i appreciate the time and money spent by my university on these birthday letters but its not something im really eager to receive and read. i remember receiving birthday cards from cousins and friends when i was in high school and college.

last year during the bar review, i had the itch to rummage through old stuff that has sentimental value (and i was looking for my dog tags. come to think of it, i forgot where i placed it after i found it last year. damn it!). it was 2am of July 2010 and i chanced upon one of the birthday cards given to me during college. so far its the biggest birthday card i received and i remember when i received it, some of the letters were falling off (makes me wonder if its really our block's cardmaker who did this since its a bit uncharacteristic of her to do such a thing. unless the resources were really scarce). the booklet beside the card is some kind of planner given to our batch during our senior year and the CD, if im not mistaken, contains a video of our cheap graduation.

i think i injured my left knee.

why the hell did i decide to sprint last saturday? sometimes i really have the urge to run. when im in the mood while walking, i walk faster. while walking faster, i get the urge to jog. while jogging, i get the urge to run. when i run, i get the urge to run faster (the same way when im intoxicated and im on a clear highway). and since i have a very low stamina, i just run fast for more or less a minute.

last saturday, i just felt like running even for a short while. during my short run, i thought my knee was just being a pain in the ass. the day after, i thought its just some sore muscle. it even improved yesterday. there was still some slight discomfort but i felt it subsiding. so i went for a jog again yesterday. i havent even completely started i can imagine my left knee saying "dont you do it motherfucker". i started to jog anyway and my knee sent me signals its in pain. it was tolerable so i ignored it (i have this mentality of pushing my body parts to the limit. if it cant handle the pressure, its not good enough for me and im disappointed to have such a body part). after some time, i guess i got used to the pain so i didnt feel much pain or discomfort. i thought, at least its not making a popping or clicking sound so it must just be some sore muscle (my left knee sometimes clicks when i walk. it just happened in some random day). 

now the day after, theres some slight swelling just below the knee cap. i can still walk and i can still bend my leg but there's a slight discomfort and a sharp pain when i twist my leg in a certain way. crap. left knee was serious. sorry for not listening to you left knee but you have to admit, right knee is fine and you have to keep up with it. left knee might be saying "fuck you man! me and right knee are a pair. dont you fucking test me again or im going to break you". im tempted to just walk later but i think it would be better to skip a few days and allow my knee to rest (and figure out whether its really an injury or not).

i guess my role has always been to defy

the president is attacking the Supreme Court again and i cant stop myself from reading the comments of idiots in online news websites. i have yet to read a sensible comment who actually sees the big picture or sees life in shades of gray. it seems the people who makes comments on online articles are those who view things in black and white. sometimes i just want to write "think out of the box you idiots. the issue isnt as simple as good vs. bad".

seeing the comments of opinionated idiots make my head spin (sometimes a headache). i dont think im better than them but their comments certainly make me feel that way. not because one can write in english with perfect grammar does not mean one's argument is already good or even valid. not because one is advocating for the common good means that anyone who begs to differ is already an advocate of something evil (again, life is filled with shades of gray). i think these are the people who shoot from the hip and always misses the target. i think these people are no different from the close minded followers of the philippine catholic church. well, at least they have their opinions and have the balls to share it (which is a good thing. but its really frustrating to read their opinions)

i hope lawyers speak up to clarify the legal issue to the public because the Supreme Court cant do it by itself. but then again, after reading the comments, i wonder if after explaining to them the legal aspect they would actually be enlightened of the actions of the Supreme Court. kind of reminds me of the comment of a blogger who said that there's no point trying to talk to these kind of people (he was referring to the immature people who post comments in youtube). all we can do is wait for them to grow up, if that will ever happen. maybe people should just listen to Sen. Santiago. she seems to be always in the right track and she can educate people regarding legal issues in a humorous manner. she may be crazy but its undeniable that she knows the law very well.

anyway, this is what ive been expecting under the aquino presidency. for the people to be vocal of their support for the administration (enough with the silent majority) and that the six years become a learning process for everyone, not only for the incompetent executive who as ive expected, easy to manipulate. but im frustrated that there's still a lot of aquino supporters who are slow in learning or too close minded.

its nice to see that there are some comments that reflect some discernment. they dont necessarily withdraw their support but they give their support with caution. they see the mistakes of the administration, acknowledge it and try to see ways to correct it. i hope their numbers increase and they become more active in providing their support. i hope they become a dominant force and overturn those who are currently in the administration due to self-interest or not even qualified for the job. these kind of supporters are the ones who are in the position to educate and enforce discipline in their ranks. these are the kind of citizens this country needs.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O - bobby boucher

ever since i saw my piss in a bottle last month due to the drug testing required for license renewal, ive been obsessed with hydrating. ive got the darkest piss in the counter and it wasnt just a shade darker. my piss was shades apart from the next darkest piss. so i thought, "crap. im suffering from dehydration. if not, im getting there".

i dont know why i became concerned. im the guy who survived college with one glass of water a day. well, not really one but one glass during the day and probably another during dinner (yes, probably since there are times i dont even drink before, during or after dinner). so an average of one glass of water per day. since i dont move a lot, i really dont get thirsty often. there was even a time during the summer of junior year that i didnt drink anything but coca-cola for month. one coke in can for one month, nothing else. i ended up with a urinary tract infection.

i managed to survive with so little water because i was a creepy thin guy who doesnt need much of it. i rarely move too. with the weight increase, obviously, i will need more water but since i didnt adjust my water intake despite the weight gain, i was heading towards dehydration without knowing it. i think my water intake has been insufficient since last year and i was absolutely clueless. my "triangle of death" has been showing signs that i might be dehydrated but i just thought i just need a new razor. it was only last month that i finally figured out that the solution to my problem was pure and simple. more water.

now, im obsessed with hydrating myself. problem is, i have a goddamn OAB. i had it checked months ago and the doc said it was probably caused by stress. its kind of something permanent and all ive gots to do is train myself. or train my brain not to piss a lot

black pearl kkabyul

no solicitar por favor

maybe i should make a shirt saying "do not solicit this person". or "no soliciting allowed"

more than a month ago, while having lunch with a friend, some stranger handed us envelopes soliciting for some small change to help support their choir. i initially wanted to ignore it, saying to my friend that im a frequent victim of solicitations but my friend wanted to give some small amount. so i pitched in telling the person who gave the envelope that im going to check if they really are a legit choir.

for some reason, people who solicit aid for some small church or musical group or just about any cause or reason always try to go to me. there's a lot of them in trinoma and i thought maybe they choose me because im often alone. but last month, in the cemetery, while i was with my relatives, i was the one who was approached first by this kind of solicitors. my cousin joked that i looked like i have some money to spare. seriously? im currently struggling where to find funds for my medical expenses (i dont know what i did wrong last monday but come monday night, i was feeling the pain again. i thought my condition was improving and i was hoping i wouldnt need to undergo two expensive medical procedures. i wont let my 13th month pay go to some shitty medical expenses). i dont even have any money for medical concerns of my family.

but then again, with the kind of lifestyle i have, maybe people do get the impression i have money to spare. back in law school, my friend asked how much my allowance was. after i answered, he said i must have saved a lot. i replied, well, not really. i spend a lot on food. whatever small amount i saved, i use for stuff i like. im not good with money unless necessity arises (like the bar exams. i successfully managed my expenses to make my savings last for months until the end of the bar exams). the only money i have that i dont touch is my emergency savings. any money not part of that can be spent (and wasted) on anything. until now, food takes a big chunk out of my salary.

ok, maybe im not addressing the solicitation thing properly. i mean, all they're asking is small change. surely their needs are much more serious compared to mine since the reason they are soliciting is because they arent well off or capable of earning enough. well, i see that but the question that always comes to mind is, "are they legit?" are they seriously soliciting on behalf of some church, choir or did they really lose their homes to a fire, calamity, etc? like i said to my friend, local government units or agencies can address those concerns. some NGO could provide assistance. surely there's someone or something that exists meant to address their financial concerns or problems (they can go to their congressperson or some generous senator). the only soliciting entity i recognize are the ones posted by the Philippine Red Cross at the MRT counters. i always give my change to those people because they're legit (they have to be). any other random stranger that solicits aid should provide some proof other than some envelope or letter. i dont want my small change going to some fraudulent cause.

gots to be nimble, gots to be quick

got me self a bloody shoe! not that ive bought a new pair already but i literally have blood on my shoe. the skin on my achilles tendon area kept scraping the back of my shoe and i didnt even feel it. and its the part (well, the ankle area) that im trying to strengthen because im the type of person who twists a lot due to sudden change of directions so my legs and feet need to keep up with my sudden change of mind. so far, the two weeks of familiarizing my body with my new weight has restored my nimbleness (or at least im satisfied with it since i havent fully restored my being lightfooted. thats how strong my ankles and feet were. it could support my entire body easily). currently, my ankles seem to be not having any troubles keeping up. i think the only part thats still needs to get used to my new weight are my knees. my knees have always been weak so i know it will take time.


i dont know why its a big deal for me to remain agile and quick. it really bothered me weeks ago. i dont even move a lot. its just knowing for sure that im agile and quick gives me some peace of mind even if i dont really make use of it on a daily basis or even foresee having the need for it.

i wonder if i can flush laziness out of my system

i think i might need to buy a new pair of running shoes. i only have one pair and its currently wet and soggy.

i jogged in the rain a while ago. i was just itching to do it since i wasnt able to jog yesterday. so after deliberating for half an hour whether to go jogging/walking since dark clouds clearly signify it will rain, i put on my running shoes and headed out. ten minutes later, the drops came. another 10 minutes, it started to rain. i havent even started yet and it was pouring really hard already. but that didnt stop me. since i was expecting that i would get caught in the rain, i already wrapped my cellphone and mp3 player in a plastic bag. after making sure both are secure in my pockets, i started to jog under the rain.

i think my innate sense of athleticism is starting to take back the years ive kept it locked up. up until early highschool, i was an active kid. i always played a lot outdoors, under the intense heat of the sun which i think is the reason why my exposed limbs are dark. i wasnt good in sports but i played basketball, soccer (i even had a pair of soccer shoes), table tennis and badminton. i think i started to take the path to laziness when i started skipping PE classes just to spend more time with my pretty science teacher who always smells so nice (really nice. i havent met any girl who smells better than her). my science class comes prior to my PE class during freshman year in high school (which is an all boys school) and i always tell my science teacher that im going to stay behind for a bit to help her with the laboratory equipments (i remember taking deep breaths whenever she's close to me to savor her sexy scent). since i sort of skipped PE classes during my freshman year, i was no longer as physically active come sophomore year (also, this was the year i started to change my personality). by junior and senior year, all i do during PE class was sleep. since then, i just started to have an aversion to physical activity.

anyway, if i manage to keep this up (or my body keeps having the itch to move), i guess the days of my lazy physical self could be numbered.

some crazy talk coming atcha

normally, i would post this kind of post in another blog but this one makes some sense (to me anyway) so i think its better to be categorized here (so im doing my future self a favor by making this post easier to find) instead on the blog where i post irrational crazy stuff.

lately ive noticed that i have ceased to amaze people. well, i still amaze people who still dont know me or still in the process of getting to know me but for those who have known me for quite some time now, i feel ive gone stale. this is no surprise of course. as early as sophomore year in college, ive noticed that my ability to make people laugh grows weak over time the more friends get to know me better. those who have known me for half a decade dont laugh as hard as the first time i showed my sense of humor to them.  this isnt limited to my sense of humor of course but this is what made me realize that familiarity makes me lose my flavor. and losing my flavor makes me bored with myself because i see people as mirrors, including myself. if im not getting anything from a person, i wont have anything to reflect back. that is why one friend noticed that i only show "signs of life" when im with our bubbly blockmate (in a block composed of 30 plus peeps, only one girl can really "wake" me up). well, thats why i also said to another friend that it only takes a few minutes to see if a girl is someone worth spending time with. ive went out with a few women and there are those whom i can establish good chemistry with in minutes and these are the ones who are usually worth dating. the others were just waste of time. and money of course. ive realized, that with my current personality of viewing people as mirrors, im really dependent on other people in generating reactions or creating interest.

anyway, because of such realization, three years ago i thought that by the time i hit 28, im going to reinvent myself. not only because i have ceased to amaze friends and old acquaintances but i really need a different state of mind to achieve what i have in mind (or what i have planned four years ago). but then again, i really dont want to change myself in a manner i will lose my essence (i like the way i am but at the same time, im not quite satisfied). so i thought the only way to do it is to revive my former self (a very likeable self but equally annoying and certainly tiring). the one i refer to as my personality from childhood up to my early 1997 self (i changed to my exact opposite sometime in 1997). in order to do that, i need to remove my "mental defenses" or simply loosen up (because ever since 1998, ive decided to play roles or go into characters which people dont want to play or one that is available. by 1999 i came up with the idea of "compartmentalizing" personas and emotions). in order to loosen up, its like removing eight nails from a tightly closed casket. i mean, i have seven distinct personalities and i dont think its a good idea to come up with another one. seven is more than a handful to deal with already. so instead of creating a new one, its time to merge them (besides its been years since ive used some of the personas). this reminds me of a YM conversation with a college friend. i think this was our only YM conversation. if not, this one is the most memorable. she told me that there will come a time when all my personalities will merge into one. my reaction then that its unlikely to occur (i dont know why we were even having it as a topic. we rarely talked but we talked about a really tricky subject. hmm. im too lazy to find the transcript of the conversation to enlighten me why we were talking about it). well, now im the one who will intentionally do it. whether its about time or not, whether i can actually merge all seven and create the eighth personality which is simply a revival of my old self because the seven are just divisions of my old self (just like the way Father in Full Metal Alchemist purged out the seven deadly sins to become a perfect being which turned him into a bored and emotionless being. now that i think about it, my state of mind when i was a high school student is exactly similar to Father's state of mind. wow, i sort of actually achieved what Father did, only ever since 2004, ive started to drift away from that state of mind, yet more than half a decade later, it still remains a dominant state of mind), i dont have a definite answer. but i do have a plan and i initiated it weeks ago. now, all i have to do is stick to that plan and find out by next year if the plan is working or feasible at the very least. and this post will serve as my reminder of my decision (just in case my future self becomes overwhelmed of the process of unlocking stuff in my mind and forget the whole point of the objective. sometimes i wonder how unaware people are of the contents of their minds) or could help me see how far i can manage before i decide to stop with the plan.

again, please show me some evidence

not sure if its the lack of sleep but i cant stop myself from reacting

ive been confronted again with the rumor that i have a girlfriend (but i will have to say that nothing beats the rumor that i have a lawyer girlfriend when i was still a law student). i dont know where people keep getting this idea (i even had to check my facebook if there's anything that would indicate such a thing. i found nothing). if this was asked earlier this year, i would have denied it but it would have been plausible for people to think of such a thing because i went out with someone last May (well, technically its not me but one of my personas). if it were asked March last year, then it could have been equally acceptable to be asked because i was dating someone then for a couple of months (again not me. in effect, strictly speaking, i have never dated anyone after 2007). if i were asked a year earlier, it would have been likewise reasonable to have been asked since i really had someone in mind but unfortunately it didnt work out because i miserably failed (im not a believer of moving heaven and earth to win someone's heart. if i really dont like someone, she can do the impossible and i still wont give a fuck what she thinks of me. there's a big difference between possibly liking someone and not liking someone from the very beginning). but to be asked about it now when i havent went out with anyone for months? so now im wondering what have i been up to this latter half of the year? im really starting to entertain the fact that either someone is intentionally claiming or spreading this kind of rumor to annoy me or one of my personalities managed to take over without me knowing it (if the latter one is true, im going to torture myself if this girl doesnt meet my standards). thats why when asked if i have a girlfriend, i respond "well, show me who she is because i keep hearing about her but i have no idea who the hell she is".

maybe i got pissed by the question because my sleep was interrupted. to wake up to an absurd question is annoying. how dare you ask such a question thats not worth a single brain cell!

live performance on MAMA 2011

after seeing SNSD and 2ne1's performance in the recent award show held in Singapore, i would have to say that 2NE1 did a better job. 2ne1's performance is more solid and has a stronger impact compared to snsd's (the three minute intro made me think of wrestling intro meets cheerleading). im not disappointed since snsd's got a hectic and tight schedule and it wont be any good to put more pressure on them (because if i were an unreasonably insensitive boss, which i do have a tendency to become, i might say "kids, its ok to have fun but i cant let this incident slide. its sloppy based from my standards. clearly not good enough because its not perfect", not taking into consideration that the group has been working their asses off this year with an insane number of concerts, hopping from one country to another (or one continent to another), tv appearances and regular tv programs. but then again, if i only think of the money the group generates, then as long as i profit, as long as they sell to the millions of fans, they can do whatever they want). but i have to admit 2NE1 really made a better live performance.

ive got a package. a pink package.

i was in a bit of a bad mood earlier but all that changed around 7pm.

i was planning on going for a jog/walk (it would have been my sixth day since i started last week) because the weather was really nice. it just rained and the wind was still cold. but i decided not to jog because i barely slept last night. i slept around 3am and i had a scheduled hearing at 8:30. so the fact that i didnt go jogging/walking made me a bit disappointed because i was really in the mood but i was feeling lightheaded due to lack of sleep. i thought maybe i could just take a long walk, go get me self an Elvis Sandwich and then walk back home but my bed managed to convince me to just sleep the bad mood off. i was also expecting a package i ordered from Hong Kong since yesterday and i thought it would be delayed by another day. so i said "sleep it is"


my sleep was interrupted when my cousin called, asking for help. i checked the clock and it was around 7pm. i thought, i guess no package today. when i was just about to go to my cousin's place, someone from downstairs shouted there's a delivery guy with a box. crap. its mine! my father was the one who received it but i quickly followed to check if it really was the DVD set i ordered. true enough, it was for me. it took five days for me to receive the online order. i ordered it last november 26, as a gift for myself. it was shipped on the 28th. in transit to destination on the 29th. arrived in Manila on the 30th. out for delivery on the same day but was delayed so i received it today, the 1st of December. the website said it would take 6-14 days to deliver the order but since i was tracking the order on the delivery service website (but the delivery guy was from DHL), i thought it would take less time since it already arrived in the Philippines yesterday. im just glad to receive it sooner than the expected shipping and delivery time. i thought i would be getting it around the 5th of december.


anyway, when i opened the contents of the package, i didnt know the DVD set (6 DVDs) would be in a baby pink square case large enough to put in a 12 inch vinyl LP record. well, its not surprising for it to be in pink but i didnt expect it to be as large as a coffee table book (or as heavy). the material of the case is similar to a hard bound book cover with a non-glossy finish. the contents are ok. the case itself is slightly damaged but i was expecting it because of the reviews. i think im taking this being a fan thing to another level.

now im on a search for the elusive black new york yankees cap. i checked the MLB website and its not offering the one im looking for. or maybe try to find out if anyone's selling the Eheads reunion concert DVDs (i really regret not buying it when it was still available)

nice parody

although ive seen this vid months ago, i didnt know there was a version of this parody that was this long. this japanese gag show's attention to detail is amazing. makes local gag shows' parodies look cheap. i can imagine that current fans of snsd who will someday end up in retirement homes might do this in annual parties or events to reminisce the days when they were fans.

people should know that there's always room for forgiveness in the administration of justice

snsd won another award and they're receiving a lot of hate from another fandom. barely more than a year since i got hooked to this kpop group, im now becoming more aware with the kind of hate they've been receiving since 2007. being on top really is stressful. i never imagined how hateful people can get simply because their kpop group lost to snsd. its as if snsd did something unforgivable by winning an award.

anyway, i deal with hateful people frequently. and they are very stressful indeed.

clients really take the adversarial nature of litigation seriously. unlike lawyers who can throw insults at each other without getting personal, clients seem to take offense at every single thing delivered by the opposing party. they tend to focus on the negative and likewise twist their perception of something positive to turn it into something negative. its like they try to find something wrong with the opposing party simply because its the opponent. im not the type who joins my clients in bad mouthing the opposing party or making the opposing counsel look like the bad guy (although i know its possible that the opposing party's lawyer might be doing that to me when they talk with their clients). i try to stay neutral as possible. but whenever my clients start to go overboard with their hate and accusations, i end up defending the opposing party, pointing out that they are merely asserting their rights and interest. im there to be my clients' advocate but i dont think unduly putting the opposing party in a negative light simply because of hate is something necessary or even useful in asserting my clients' right or interest. sometimes i just want to ask my clients "what's with all the hate?". but then again, i know this will only open the floodgates to a lot more hate they have in store and i will end up like some guidance counselor.

as a teen, ive went through a phase where i embraced hate and allowed myself to immerse in it. i know how destructive hate can be. ive lost a good friend because of it (wait, not really. its because of pride). so i should be used to it by now.  but dealing with other people's hate that's close to the sphere of irrationality is really annoying and makes it difficult for me to not let hate get to me. its infectious and trying to keep hate out of my system is really stressful. my job is to deal with other people's beef with other people and try to settle it amicably but why the fuck do they have to make it so stressful. even if the opposing party is clearly wrong, the ton of hate my clients' are carrying will never help in settling things between them.

going back to snsd, i dont know how they deal with all the hate being hurled at them. so far, they know how to face it beautifully. they know how to deal with the punches. four years of dealing with it not only made them mature but also toughened them up and at the same time taught them how to confront it professionally. as for me, i dont think i can do what they do. they receive hate directed at them but even if they show their pain or are hurt with the hateful comments, they can still react calmly and appear to be not feeling any hate towards the people who threw that hate at them (im not saying they dont feel hate but to be able to appear to be free of hate is a difficult skill to acquire. being professional can be difficult at times especially when some people are completely irrational and unreasonable). like they have achieved some inner peace thats always stable (or im deceived because of their angelic appearance). whenever i deal with hateful clients, even if i can still respond calmly, its a struggle not to show that i have hate within me thats being provoked by the hate im receiving even if that hate is not directed at me. the peace within me is always disturbed.

the korean lyrics are better

the korean lyrics are definitely better but i think this self-centered version will be more marketable in the US compared to a direct translation of the korean lyrics. i really dont like the one minute intro. it was nice at first but after some time, it gets annoying, like hurry up with the music vid already. and i dont get the pigeon thingie. but in the end, i liked it overall and thats what matters. as long as it sells, its going to be ok.

ready, steady, run devil run

lately ive been complaining about my weight. i keep telling people im not used to being this heavy. not that im starting to feel self-conscious but im starting to feel the lack of familiarity with my body. i think my feet are complaining and keep sending my brain signals that its not used to carrying so much weight.

i also feel im slower. im used to being quick and agile. now i feel like a bull in a china shop. and my sagittarian sense of athleticism cant accept im starting to slow down. sure im a lazy ass but its because i can afford to be physically lazy. i check from time to time whether im still agile and physically strong enough even without exercise and up until a few months ago, i was satisfied with the results. my stamina and endurance were never my strong points but im proud of my speed and agility. when i realized that im not fast enough and agile enough, that started bothering me (now, i cant do my slick dance moves). i felt my body is no longer in sync with what i want it to accomplish or expect it to accomplish. my sense of coordination isnt as good since im no longer familiar with my current weight. before, i can quickly change directions, even in mid-stride, and not fall off balance or get myself injured (if only i played basketball, i would certainly be an ankle breaker). now, i dont even bother avoiding hitting things. i just bump against it knowing my body can take it. and thats not really what i like to be. i dont want to be some hulk like figure. but i also dont want to lose the weight ive gained since i find it interesting to be this heavy too (its like steve rogers amazement after he stepped out of the super soldier thingamajig only in my case, the body ive acquired still needs training). so i decided to exercise a bit to train myself and familiarize myself with this new body. i want to restore, or at least gain satisfactory speed, agility and flexibility. i really have a thing for speed i guess.

this isnt the sole reason why i started to jog. sure the realization has been bothering me for weeks but its not really what made me start jogging or start training myself to become more familiar with my current body. there are other factors of course but this one is one of the main reasons. unfortunately for my brain, which has been nagging me months ago, health isnt one of them reasons that made me decide to exercise. i aint doing this to be heathier, although its something that comes along with it.