normally, i would post this kind of post in another blog but this one makes some sense (to me anyway) so i think its better to be categorized here (so im doing my future self a favor by making this post easier to find) instead on the blog where i post irrational crazy stuff.
lately ive noticed that i have ceased to amaze people. well, i still amaze people who still dont know me or still in the process of getting to know me but for those who have known me for quite some time now, i feel ive gone stale. this is no surprise of course. as early as sophomore year in college, ive noticed that my ability to make people laugh grows weak over time the more friends get to know me better. those who have known me for half a decade dont laugh as hard as the first time i showed my sense of humor to them. this isnt limited to my sense of humor of course but this is what made me realize that familiarity makes me lose my flavor. and losing my flavor makes me bored with myself because i see people as mirrors, including myself. if im not getting anything from a person, i wont have anything to reflect back. that is why one friend noticed that i only show "signs of life" when im with our bubbly blockmate (in a block composed of 30 plus peeps, only one girl can really "wake" me up). well, thats why i also said to another friend that it only takes a few minutes to see if a girl is someone worth spending time with. ive went out with a few women and there are those whom i can establish good chemistry with in minutes and these are the ones who are usually worth dating. the others were just waste of time. and money of course. ive realized, that with my current personality of viewing people as mirrors, im really dependent on other people in generating reactions or creating interest.
anyway, because of such realization, three years ago i thought that by the time i hit 28, im going to reinvent myself. not only because i have ceased to amaze friends and old acquaintances but i really need a different state of mind to achieve what i have in mind (or what i have planned four years ago). but then again, i really dont want to change myself in a manner i will lose my essence (i like the way i am but at the same time, im not quite satisfied). so i thought the only way to do it is to revive my former self (a very likeable self but equally annoying and certainly tiring). the one i refer to as my personality from childhood up to my early 1997 self (i changed to my exact opposite sometime in 1997). in order to do that, i need to remove my "mental defenses" or simply loosen up (because ever since 1998, ive decided to play roles or go into characters which people dont want to play or one that is available. by 1999 i came up with the idea of "compartmentalizing" personas and emotions). in order to loosen up, its like removing eight nails from a tightly closed casket. i mean, i have seven distinct personalities and i dont think its a good idea to come up with another one. seven is more than a handful to deal with already. so instead of creating a new one, its time to merge them (besides its been years since ive used some of the personas). this reminds me of a YM conversation with a college friend. i think this was our only YM conversation. if not, this one is the most memorable. she told me that there will come a time when all my personalities will merge into one. my reaction then that its unlikely to occur (i dont know why we were even having it as a topic. we rarely talked but we talked about a really tricky subject. hmm. im too lazy to find the transcript of the conversation to enlighten me why we were talking about it). well, now im the one who will intentionally do it. whether its about time or not, whether i can actually merge all seven and create the eighth personality which is simply a revival of my old self because the seven are just divisions of my old self (just like the way Father in Full Metal Alchemist purged out the seven deadly sins to become a perfect being which turned him into a bored and emotionless being. now that i think about it, my state of mind when i was a high school student is exactly similar to Father's state of mind. wow, i sort of actually achieved what Father did, only ever since 2004, ive started to drift away from that state of mind, yet more than half a decade later, it still remains a dominant state of mind), i dont have a definite answer. but i do have a plan and i initiated it weeks ago. now, all i have to do is stick to that plan and find out by next year if the plan is working or feasible at the very least. and this post will serve as my reminder of my decision (just in case my future self becomes overwhelmed of the process of unlocking stuff in my mind and forget the whole point of the objective. sometimes i wonder how unaware people are of the contents of their minds) or could help me see how far i can manage before i decide to stop with the plan.
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