Kim Taeyeon

its a biggie for a lefty

testing if i can still type well despite my injured left hand. i have an exam tomorrow and im required to bring a laptop and USB. most likely, its a typewritten exam. if its a written one, then im screwed. with this injured left hand, i might think of requesting a resetting of my exam or not push through with my application. if its typewritten, well, it will still be a struggle but at least i have a better chance of doing the exam well. right now, i need to be mindful never to let my left hand touch the surface of the laptop because it will bring a sharp pain in my hand and will distract me during the exam and thus disrupting my train of thought.

why my left hand is injured remains a mystery. its starting to swell after more than 36 hours of aching. i wonder why i had to take the exam tomorrow with an injured left hand (ouch! my left hand just touched the laptop surface. its really sensitive and painful). it will certainly slow me down and distract me a bit. if my left hand will remain injured by tomorrow, i hope it doesnt get worse. at least i can still type well with just a small amount of discomfort if i angle my left hand properly, with my left elbow sticking out and using only my left middle finger to press the keyboard.

time to sleep. i will be brushing my teeth with my right hand. have to be careful not to injure myself further. more than half of the time i use my right hand to brush my teeth, i graze my gums.

weird. im feeling better now.

there's something wrong. or maybe there's something about to go wrong. this is what i was thinking a few hours ago: i felt a very strange feeling when i was about to start my afternoon jog. i cant describe it. but i tried. and the description i gave myself was, this might be the feeling of someone who's riding a plane and about to crash in the middle of the ocean. not the type of rush when someone rides a rollercoaster. its terrifying. yet, not necessarily hopeless. like a fear of an inevitable unknown. like i said, i cant really describe it. it took me a few more minutes to realize that ive felt this feeling before. thats when it struck me. i wrote about it in one of my blogs. the weird part about it is...i predicted i will get this feeling again this year. i didnt really say 2012 but i wrote the blog entry on latter part of february 2007 and i said that its a feeling im going to feel in five years. and as i was jogging a few hours ago, i counted what's five years from 2007 and with my basic math skills i found out its 2012. i said to myself "it cant be". although i did feel this weird feeling back in 2007, i remember that during that time, i was really "emotionally unstable". i couldnt remember what i really said in the 2007 blog entry but i knew about the five year period i stated. so i started wondering, what the hell does this feeling mean? why did i warn myself in 2007 about it? a big earthquake? i just dreamt earlier today about a tremor. nah, couldnt be. i remember the entry was talking about something personal. so a personal tragedy and not a calamity. could it be just a coincidence? well, if it is, its funny that when i got home to check the blog entry, the title of the entry was "turbulence". and i just tried to describe the feeling today as like being in a plane about to crash. and when i tried to describe it, i wasnt aware yet that its a feeling i felt before and wrote something about it. i didnt even remember the blog title until i checked it when i got home. well, i named it turbulence because of the emotional turbulence i was undergoing then. anyway, the feeling lingered much longer in 2007. now i managed to restrict the feeling to a little less than an hour. when i thought i need to get rid of the disturbing feeling, i put my earphones on, listened to snsd (starting with japanese gee) to distract me a little and started convincing myself there's no point in trying to figure it out because the most i can come up with is speculation. then when i was heading home when i finished jogging, a deja vu struck me then a mental image of a tornado and the word "moth".  i think i know what the two refers to and if im correct with my deduction, it refers to something absolutely meaningless.

its been a weird late afternoon/early evening. to make things weirder, i have no idea how i injured my left hand. i woke up with my left hand, just right about the wrist, aching. there's no swelling but it feels like i just tried to karate chop a metal bar. i must have twisted it while i was sleeping last night. i was in a deep sleep too (which doesnt happen that frequently lately). although the feeling is gone (maybe temporarily), i still cant shake off the thought something's wrong.

having another nonsense problem

just less than a week and i will complete one month of taking muay thai sessions. but my problem is, im losing weight. this i do not approve. ive lost 10 pounds by combining my weekday jog and muay thai on the weekend. i guess im going to be the subject of envy by some since im the type who can easily lose weight (almost effortless). but on my end, its as annoying as having difficulties in losing weight because i have difficulties gaining weight. now, i gained weight because i eat six meals a day. (three full meals and three moderate to heavy snacks). since i started exercising, the six meals are now inadequate. so i have to eat more. it wont be much of a problem if food wasnt expensive! now that i have to eat more, i need to spend more (or maybe try to learn how to cook but at the moment, i have no interest). i try not to spend more than P100 a day on weekdays given my "just enough" monthly salary (and i go nuts on food during the weekend whenever i go to the mall). the affordable yet tasty meals i can think of are one to two jeepney rides away (and thats just a one-way commute).so my problem is, how do i gain weight, without spending a lot and at the same time, allowing me to increase my current physical activities (because im aiming to have a twice weekly muay thai session, retain my thrice weekly jog and maybe an extra day for a regular gym. im thinking i should have been an athlete if i didnt prevent myself from engaging in sports and allowing my laziness to grow when i was in high school).

right now, my shins hurt like hell. not sure if its because of the muay thai session last saturday or i over exerted myself yesterday. it could be both. im not used to doing round house kicks or hitting my shins against a punching bag. but the thing is, my shins didnt hurt as much the two weeks prior to my last saturday session. then yesterday, i thought of pushing myself further on my regular jog. so even if my body was a bit sore due to the muay thai session the day before, i jogged/run until my legs wobbled due to tiredness. at least my knees dont hurt no more. so when i attempted to repeat what i did yesterday, halfway through the jog, my shins started to feel like its shouting expletives at me (the same way my knee did a few months ago). so i had to stop because i was really having a hard time running and could only walk really slow. had to ride a jeepney home. so either i overexerted myself or its time to buy a new pair of running shoes. i think the former. im still a month away from completing my thrice weekly jog for three months. im just going to rest tomorrow since i cant risk injuring myself because i have a hearing in malolos, bulacan on wednesday morning.

are we toy soldiers of a corrupt system?

i think that taking the bar exams is something akin to going to war. going to law school is like undergoing a mental military training. like in military camp, law students are like soldiers who try to endure the required years of training. some dont make the cut and drop out. but unlike being in the military, "war" is something certain for law students. most, if not all, who finish law school will have to face the bar exams. bar reviewees then prepare their minds, bodies and spirit to at least successfully finish the four bar exam sundays. every bar reviewee and most law students know that every year, there are a number of "casualties" in the bar exams. there are those who breakdown under the pressure, those who lose confidence, those who just give up in the middle of the "battle" and walk out of the examination room. its not a physical war, for its mostly mental, but it certainly affects the body and spirit. just like in a war, you dont go to the bar exams unprepared. and no matter how skilled and prepared you are, luck (or faith) plays a pivotal role in one's survival. after a month long "war", a lot survive of course but once the results come out, only then will it be determined who were truly succesful in surviving the war. some "die" and never take the bar exams again while some live to fight another year.

the bar exams is a war where every soldier is in the front lines. lawyers are merely those soldiers of the legal profession who effectively survived such war. the courtroom battles and other fields of law practice lawyers engage in appear to be mere skirmishes compared to what bar examinees endure during the bar exams. in effect, the bar exams is, usually, the only "war" most lawyers face in their entire legal career. although law practice or the "skirmishes" do pose much more difficult situations and requires much more skill than taking the bar exams, it does not have the grand scale character of the bar exams that make it look like a full scale war.

take a minute bust a prayer and youre good to go - mc hammer

more than a month ago, i was at Our Lady of Manaoag in Pangasinan to pray for friends who took the 2011 bar exams. i found it a bit funny that when i took my bar exams, i didnt bother going there. after i passed the bar exams, a friend asked me if ive gone to Our Lady of Manaoag and i answered "no". surprised, he said that "di ka man lang nagpasalamat". well, i didnt go there in the first place, to ask for help or divine intervention. for me, it didnt matter which church i go to. as long as i prayed sincerely, that, i think, is enough (although i understand the point that the effort in showing such devotion and sincerity makes a difference). besides, i pray every day and my version of the Our Lady of Manaoag is the UP Chapel. up until today, i make it a habit to drop by the UP Chapel to pray whenever i go to UP for any reason. 

anyway, after praying for my bar examinee friends, or as i called them in my prayer my "comrades" (ive always imagined taking the bar exams as something akin to going to war), i dropped by the church's little shop and saw a lot of rosaries. i then remembered that as a kid (during grade school to be exact), i always wore rosaries like a necklace. there was even a time that i wore three rosaries like it were some kind of bling blings (is this term still used today?). i dont even know why my mother allowed me to wear them to school (insert "oh god why" meme). i carried the habit of having a rosary with me until high school. but unlike during my grade school years, i didnt wear them. i only kept one in my pocket. then during college, i just kept it in my bag and before i even finished college, i stopped bringing a rosary with me. the rosary ive been carrying since 1996 now sits on my study table, covered with dust.

i dont know why i always had a rosary with me. i dont even use it. and my "darkest" times was when i had it with me. its weird that in high school, i stopped going to church, stopped praying and stopped recognizing God yet i maintained the habit of carrying a rosary like i always have my wallet and wristwatch. it was merely a force of habit, an empty gesture, devoid of any meaning. at least during grade school, the reason i always had a rosary with me is not for protection, like some amulet, but simply because it reminds me of my faith and i dont want to forget about it. it makes me happy to know that im in good terms with God. but the moment philosophy and science penetrated my brain, the doubt within me overcame my belief and i simply stopped acknowledging God. i didnt really become an atheist (although i think there were short periods that would be considered i was an atheist but most of the time, i just didnt like the thought of being inferior to a passive God). i just thought i do not need God to live (thats why it was common for me to say back then "hey God, look at me, im doing this on my own, without your help" or "this is it? you gotta be kidding me. is this the best you got God?"). the little faith i have left still thought there is a God but with science and philosophy dominating my state of mind, i started thinking God as insignificant in man's day to day activities. hence i became cocky and adopted the motto that "only God can stop me" in whatever stuff i do. this is why im haunted by a lot of my past actions. the "just do it" motto of nike isnt something worth following 100% of the time.

if not for law school, my faith in God wont be restored. again, its funny my faith was restored in a university that does not promote any religion. i studied in a catholic high school and catholic university but both academic institutions failed to convince me God is worth having. the reason i decided to have faith again is because i wanted to make a deal with God (because i have doubts if the devil does exist). thats how cocky ive become. to go to church, after years of criticizing God, and had the audacity to ask something in return from Him so that i would reinstate my faith in Him. anyway, i wouldnt approve of my intentions then but its because of that incident that my faith transformed into what it is now (besides, i offered a lot more than just "believing in God again" in return for what i asked. despite my initial cockiness of thinking im in the position to bargain with God, what i offered in return truly humbled me).

its not the kind of faith most people have. people go to church every sunday for whatever their reasons are but i go to church every sunday because its one of the promises i made to God, that i will fulfill such an obligation, in return for what i asked (again, among other stuff i offered). its a burden i promised to carry (its a burden because i dont believe in the philippine catholic church). whenever i pray, i make it a point not to ask for help unless really necessary. i make it a point to always be thankful. and i make it a point that i am the one in control of my life and i recognize God as the provider of such life (and for that i am grateful). the question of whether what i do is according to God's will or not falls upon my discretion and not the church's teachings. although i do consider what the church says, the fact that its composed by men means that my own discretion is as good as theirs to a certain extent. the church may have expertise in interpreting God's will but it wont change the fact it is still a human interpretation subject to personal bias and institutional prejudice. they have the authority on what's written in the Bible but they cant be an authority on how to properly live my life since i am the recipient of such gift of life and i know what it has been through and what it should go through. guidance is the most the church can provide and it cannot be mandatory on my part to follow it. thus the freedom and free will given to man remains intact. i think this is what faith should be (if not, then im sticking to my form of belief). a life with a proper balance between faith and reason. to be critical and not be a dummy to external forces and have the independence and discretion to know what is right and what is according to God's will. the most external factors can provide is guidance but enlightenment should always come from within. faith is a personal experience and in my experience, the way i practice my faith, i dont adhere to blind loyalty or blind faith. i doubt but i try not to let such doubt reach destructive heights. i follow God's will for i am His instrument but i never allow my brain to be a meaningless body part by not using the finite wisdom granted to me. the thirst for the infinite is a personal endeavor and a life long struggle. and struggles have more meaning when one's eyes are open and one's heart is filled with passion tempered by reason. i have no idea how i got to this topic and where im heading with it.

looks like a really fun concert

crap. if the concert really looks fun as this music video portrays it, im screwed. well, im screwed if such a concert does happen here. if my recollection of the concert ticket price is correct, when i converted it to peso, the concert ticket costs around P22,000. i could afford it but problem is, im not going to buy only one ticket. most likely, im going to pay for my brother's ticket too. he wants to attend such a concert more than i do.

im not having a quarter life crisis

im just having a nagging thought of finding myself. to be more accurate, making sure that not one part of me gets left behind as i move forward. i think im undergoing some progress and i dont have much doubts about the direction im heading. its just that i dont want to lose my "essence" in the process, or bits and pieces of me which are scattered and compartmentalized within me (which always made it difficult for me to pull myself together).

after more than a decade, im finally taking the concrete steps i need to do to improve myself and become a better person (and after years of planning, im finally in the execution stage). ive known about this all along but i refused to recognize, acknowledge and act on it. why? its simply inconvenient to my lazy and stubborn state of mind. now that im making some progress, i just want to make sure that i move as a whole and not just as parts of me. and in order to make myself whole, i need to find myself. its not merely getting to know myself better (i know myself a lot already) but incorporating every aspect of myself into one cohesive unit. its not only about knowing my limitations and capabilities but establishing a much better harmony within me. its like finding some inner peace but not quite.

this nagging thought of finding myself started when i stumbled upon an old piece of information which reminded me of a self that i liked a lot. if im going to move forward, i dont want this self or this part of me to be left behind.

chocolate love + bar review = come from behind victory?

i will never forget this song. this song has been part of my "review ritual" during the bar review (well, latter part of the bar review. my bar review song before this was "highway star" by deep purple). right before i start hitting the books/review materials, the first step was to get myself a cup of coffee from mcdonalds matalino. due to my tight budget then and my dislike for riding tricycles, i just walk whenever i go to mcdonalds. i then head back home and switch on my laptop. while waiting for my laptop to finish booting up, i prepare the coffee i just bought from mcdonalds. once my laptop is all done with its preliminaries, i play SNSD's Chocolate Love music video and watch it while drinking my coffee. then i play some more snsd music videos until i finish my coffee. but i always start with Chocolate Love just to establish some routine. once i finish my coffee, im already fully relaxed and my brain's likewise stimulated, not only by the coffee, but also visually thus generating better brain activity. with a nicely set up mood, i start studying.

hmmm. there is a japanese professor by the name of Professor Sawaguchi from Hokkaido University who claims that SNSD's Genie promotes brain development. when i heard this, i thought its a bit absurd. but then again, there are scientific findings that sound silly (cant think of one right now). the fact that i passed the bar by adding this routine in my bar review could somehow support such claim. but then again, this should be subjected to experimentation since during the time i was waiting for the bar results, my addiction to snsd during the latter half of the review could have resulted either way. its either the cause of my failure or truly helped me in passing the exams. so im not really sure myself how it affected my bar exams. sure it helped me in getting in the mood to study and stay sane (i was already dying of boredom because of the months of just reading law stuff. sick and tired of reviewing day in and day out) but it also deprived me a lot of review hours because i spent half of the day (from afternoon to 2am on the average) watching youtube videos of snsd.

anyway, before i digress further, this isnt the chocolate love music video. its their practice video and they really look good even in sweatpants. their synchronized moves are hypnotic. the interesting thing about this video is how uninterested the guy at the side of the room is. he looks really bored despite the fact nine girls who leaves millions of guys (and girls) in awe are dancing right in front of him. its like just another day at work for him, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special. 

so today is valentines day...for some people. for me, i call it tuesday.

when i went jogging a few hours ago, i saw, aside from the heavy traffic, a lot of guys making some last minute flower shopping. the choice of flowers were already very limited and most probably, the prices have increased. wow. the things guys do just to satisfy their women. reminded me of the times i took part in this valentines thing.

i remember half a decade ago...wait...its already more than half a decade ago. wow. its been that long. it feels like just a couple of years ago. anyway, more than half a decade ago, i went to a valentines date and i forgot to bring flowers. yep. of all the things i could forget, i forgot the flowers. i had a really busy day then. being a law student can be hectic at times. i was really drained during that time and i had to go home to go to our family dinner for valentines day. we went to a nearby restaurant. after the family dinner, i went back home to change and my grandmother, who was informed i had a date, told me not to do anything stupid or anything i will regret. she doesnt have to remind me of that. one of my fears is to suddenly have a family of my own. not all surprises are pleasant (but i admit, suddenly having a family of my own cant be all bad. although financially it is). anyway, i was tired and drained and on my way to the restaurant for the date. i didnt bring my car since i wasnt in the mood to drive. too tired. during my commute, while at the waiting shed, there was this old lady selling roses placed in a small metal bucket. i thought of buying a few but i was too busy thinking of something else. so i thought, i will just finish whatever im thinking then im going to buy them roses. well, the next time i remembered buying it was when my date asked me about it. crap. so i honestly said, "i thought of buying them but i forgot". doesnt the thought count? im that kind of guy who doesnt make that much effort. like a blockmate said a month ago, i can be sweet sometimes. but most of the time, im not. im too busy being me.

i remember another date a few years ago where i somehow "scolded" my date to finish everything on her plate. aside from the fact that im going to pay for the somewhat expensive dinner, i dont like to see food being wasted. so i said were not going to leave until she finishes everything. im that kind of guy who acts like an annoying parent when im a few years older than my date. since we were going to watch a movie, i even rushed her to finish it because the movie was about to start soon. she just kept whining she was already full. she managed to eat a few more bites before i ended up eating some of her leftovers (because she managed to use her aegyo to convince me to eat it. she's the kind of girl who knows how to use her aegyo to her advantage. coincidentally, a kpop singer with a similar aegyo reminds me of her) so we can finally head towards the cinema. im that kind of guy who doesnt want to be late for a movie.  

then there's the instance when, not really a valentines date, but i managed to buy the flowers for someone on valentines day. i asked the flower shop to prepare it beforehand so i will just pick it up on the morning of valentines day. problem is, i had the flowers but i dont know how to give it to my intended recipient. she's the kind of girl that's hard to locate. so i spent all day waiting for the moment to give it to her. i managed to give it to her thanks to a friend. i didnt mind waiting all day (sort of) because that incident gave me a nice feeling back then but now that im thinking about it, it reminds me of the guys i just saw at the flower shops earlier today. im currently that kind of guy who just watches other people enjoy this somewhat special tuesday. i dont feel bad to be this guy today. maybe because i have good memories of this "special" day in the past.

the thing i realized now is that, valentines day for me usually doesnt have a good start but it usually ends well. i always sleep with a smile whenever such a day ends. tonight will be the same because of this realization. or maybe i just feel good lately (someone made a comment a few weeks ago that she noticed that im cheerful than usual. i smile more often than the usual and my expression is strangely brighter. maybe she hasnt seen me for quite some time).

shared passion, trust and love are the elements of great relationships

i was on tumblr an hour ago and saw a post reblogging a youtube video. i checked it out and i was impressed by how good the maker of the video is in video editing. its not something really remarkable but it impressed me anyway. impressed me enough to wish that this person makes more videos, and longer ones (and not end the videos a bit abruptly). i think the thing i like about this person's created vids is that this person seems to capture the essence of materials he or she uses and manages to form some harmony with his or her chosen music (or maybe there's just a lot of crappy videos on youtube making this person's vids stand out). in any case, these videos are really good and better than the usual ones i see.

in the video below, i think he or she managed to portray in such a short amount of time how nine girls rose to the top (their debut up to their rise to the top were well documented so there's really a lot of material that can be used and that makes it difficult because narrowing it down is a challenge). it really made me think after seeing the progression of the materials this person used, that snsd probably had no inkling back then that they would be this popular or that their efforts and hardships would pay off on such a grand scale.







seeing the videos above made me remember how poor my video editing skills are. i mean, the vids below took me hours to finish and it only contains pictures! whenever i see fan made videos on youtube which only contains pictures, i automatically brand it as lame. so i really do think the videos i made are lame too and i wish i have much better video editing skills. if only i was in college, i would probably be doing that now, making fan made videos of snsd (therefore, i would spend more hours in front of the computer) and improving my really lame and really poor video editing skills.

this video makes me realize how much i like my college blockmates. i dont recall why i made this video in the first place. i recall i spent hours doing this and it was during the time i was in hibernation mode. i also remember missing a get together during this time. i have no idea where the original file of this video is. although its nice i managed to have an online copy, the resolution of the original is way much better.



i miss the days when i was collecting female celebrity wallpapers. i really spent hours looking for high quality wallpapers of hot female celebrities. i really stayed up really late just collecting wallpapers. this was a nice hobby that ended abruptly during my senior year in law school.


cake1 from anubz on Vimeo.

i think my brain is stimulated a bit since i spent the day finishing a pleading that's due tomorrow. its a labor case and my almost non-existent passionate side comes out a bit whenever i write labor case pleadings.

im going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow

as promised to myself, i started going to the gym earlier today. however, i didnt go to a fitness gym (although im considering it). i didnt go to a sleazy men's health club either. i went to an MMA gym. yep. an MMA gym.

one of the reasons i started doing the regular jog thing was because im bothered by how sluggish ive become. i wanted to familiarize my body with my new weight and restore my agility. my physical speed and agility is one of my best kept secrets and when i noticed that im not as fast and agile as i was, then i just lost something im proud of. so i thought, if im going to go to the gym, might as well do something that will help me boost my sense of coordination (aside from improving my agility) in a non-boring way. in short, something like a sport. so im hitting two birds with one stone. by going to an MMA gym, im not only going to a gym, im also engaging in a sport. another reason i thought of going to the gym was because when i went surfing a few weeks ago, i realized how poor my upper body strength was. i was really disappointed with how weak ive become (so that weekend getaway was one of the factors that made me decide to go to a gym).

i initially wanted boxing sessions but i ended up going for muay thai . i thought i can handle the initial muay thai lessons since ive been jogging for months now. but then again, even if ive been exercising for months, my stamina and endurane didnt really improve. its an admitted weakness and i really dont know how to go about it (thats why speed is very crucial for me since i have low stamina, i always try to finish things quickly before i run out of juice).

halfway through the session, i was starting to struggle a bit. fortunately, i managed to finish my first session but every time the trainer/trainor says three (or four or two) more sets (one jab, one straight, two elbow, two knee kicks, etc. or any other combinations) during the latter half of the session, my mind was screaming "aaaaaahhhh!!!!" in exasperation. so i thought of snsd. if 9 girls (or most kpop girl groups) can handle hours of dancing on high heels with blisters on their feet (and get occasionally stepped on by fellow members on high heels) with barely enough sleep (due to their tight schedules) just to master their choreographies, an average guy like me should be able to endure a measly hour of exercise (its one of those moments where one hour can feel very, very long). at least i didnt whine a while ago (although during the last five minutes of the session, im starting to express that i was extremely drained by not kicking very hard). 

my challenge to myself now is to attend this gym weekly for at least three months, without fail. if i miss just one week, the three month period shall be reset until i complete three months with going to such gym once a week (so far, ive managed to accomplish the thrice weekly jog).

how can i not love such a cheerful princess?

im old. i really should start working my ass off

girls' generation were on the late show with david letterman last week and their performance was flawless (i still cant shake off the somewhat sloppy performance they did a few months ago in an awards show). i wasnt expecting they would be doing some sort of promotions in the US any time soon since all of them are gainfully employed by doing other activities. currently, four of them are actresses in dramas (three are lead actresses for "love rain", "speed" and "fashion king" while one has an eight episode stint in the drama "wild romance"), two are permanent cast members in a reality/variety show ("invincible youth" season 2 and one of these two will also be part of the musical "catch me if you can", becoming the fourth member of the group to be casted in another musical) and three are permanent MCs/hosts of a music program (one of the three just finished her lead role in the musical "Fame" which lasted for a few months). these activities are in addition to attending various other programs as guests and hosting their own program where all nine of them are together ("girls generation and the dangerous boys").

this is why one of their wishes they consistently say when asked what they want is...be given time to rest. but i think this is something half-meant on their part. they know that popularity doesnt last forever and they are seizing the moment and taking every opportunity they can hold on to. its reflected on their hardwork and dedication. they invested so much to be where they are now. they used up their pre-teen to mid-teen years training to become professional celebrities. this is their chosen line of work after all. this is no different from studying to become a lawyer for years and working one's ass off everyday for a decade (or maybe a little over half a decade) to at least get back all the time and effort invested during the law school years (and this is why im not earning much. because i really didnt invest any time and effort preparing for my chosen line of work)

anyway, the performances they made in the US (the late show with david letterman and live with kelly, just hours apart) became a news item in various countries (Malaysia, Indonesia, Ukraine, Italy, France and Spain). i thought, is it really that news worthy? then with the kind of foreign news we have (viral youtube vids), i thought "yep. it is". a girl group from south korea isnt something new. the wonder girls have made an international impact a few years back. but the thing with girls generation is their doing it with their own approach. they have their own way of establishing themselves and i find it interesting how theyre doing it. 

the weather must be insanely horrible by 2022

during my job interview yesterday i was asked where i see myself 10 years from now. i answered that i would still be lawyering in a law office. now that i think about it, i really dont see myself doing anything else except practicing in a law office. when i decided to finish my law studies, i acknowledged that this is a profession i will be in for the rest of my life and i will most likely practice it in a law office.

when i was 14, i was asked where i see myself by the age of 24. i said that i see myself parking my own car, in my own house, built on my own lot, greeted by pets upon entry in such house. im 28 and i dont have my own car, i dont own a house and lot and ive lost all my pets. the only thing i got right was that im single.

anyway, ten years is a long time. but at this age, things are less uncertain. when i was 14, i was still in high school and no idea which college i will end up. im not even sure what kind of job i will have (but with a good brain i thought im bound to get a job with a nice salary). my 14 year old self was absolutely clueless that he will become a lawyer. now at this age, things are more predictable. sure there's the uncertainty but choices are now more limited compared to the teenage years. responsibilities and obligations are just some of those restrictions. its easier to see things 10 years from now. the sense of maturity one's expected to have gained at this age somehow contributes in providing a clearer path and stronger determination in walking such path. its easier to plan life at this point in time.

so 10 years from now, i think i will still be in practice in a law office. im not interested in going into politics. even if i win the lottery, i will still practice law. i have no ambition to become a member of the judiciary. death is the only thing that would stop me from going into the future. and ive been taunting death in my mind for years and it still hasnt come (i prohibit myself from doing overt acts because that constitutes suicide and its against my belief). life on the other hand would be the only thing that could make me change my course or my plan for the future. at the moment, i doubt it. lately, i have full control of life.

this post is halfway to nowhere

i stopped being grade-conscious back in high school. i think during junior year. i just lost interest in academic excellence. i carried this attitude until i finished law school, i.e. until the end of my school days.

now i somehow regret it. but not completely. sure it makes things difficult in getting into a good workplace but i really dont want to be judged based on my grades (but i admit, its one of the best ways in evaluating the intellectual capability of a person). besides, i come from top schools in this country. even if i have bad grades, im still more privileged compared to most of the members of the labor force. thats still something i should be very thankful for.

as one friend puts it, we belong to the bottom of the barrel. but now that i think about it, we may be at the bottom of the barrel but we belong to the barrel placed at the top of the stack of barrels. looking at the big picture, its not bad as it seems. i may be in last place but im last among the cream of the crop (but still, it means that among those at the top of the "pyramid", im the least capable).

its a difficult situation to be in. its like the jason segel predicament. if i remember correctly, jason segel had difficulties landing roles because he's not ugly to be cast in funny roles and he's not handsome to be some leading actor. thats why he was told by a good friend of his to create roles for himself since he doesnt fit in the typical stereotype roles.

placing last (or near last) among the best means i give the impression im not good enough to keep up with the best but at the same time, i cant drop to the lower level because i might not really belong to such classification (ive tried and its really a different world). so i guess i will have to find my own niche since its difficult to belong in the usual classifications. but then again, my lazy self is just telling me this so i wont have to try harder. how did i end up with an empowered lazy self? oh right, its because i stopped caring about grades and started to have a weak sense of discipline. but not because im lazy doesnt mean im not capable or im not good enough. thats my lazy self talking again. and i just yawned. my lazy self is forcing me to stop rationalizing and go to sleep.

im disappointed with myself

just had a job interview a few hours ago. more than half a decade later, im still selling myself short. the interviewers kept asking me to convince them why im worth hiring. as usual, im not that convinced i should be hired. a part of me really wants it but my lazy half doesnt. i mean, im giving up my freedom to a certain extent when i join such a law firm. but in exchange for that freedom is the exposure and experience i need to become a good lawyer. it also appears to be a nice law firm which i wont regret being a part of.

i dont know. im the type who only shows his worth after someone takes a chance on me. i find it difficult to tell people in words how good i am. thats why im always told that i sell myself short. a lawschool blockmate even said that i seem to lack faith in myself (when i was surprised how well i did in a particular exam). not really. i just like to put myself down so i would push myself harder. the thing is, im the kind of guy who makes sure im worth the risk if anyone does take a chance on me. so if by some stroke of luck (this worries me because luck is something im also good at) i get hired in the law firm i just went to earlier, im going to make sure they wont regret such a decision. thats what im good at. proving im worth it after one takes a chance on me. i rarely, if not never, show my worth before one takes the risk.

in any case, my sagittarian optimism tells me its a win-win situation. if i get hired in such law firm, im bound to become a better lawyer and be challenged intellectually. if i dont get hired, i get to keep my freedom and see where it will take me. but my non-lazy self is telling me its about time to ditch the laid back lifestyle and do something challenging.

i was wrong. i do have something that i should get rid of this year

i should be working on two pleadings right now but i managed to convince myself to wake up very early tomorrow (even if i know im just fooling myself because i love sleep more than anything else). aside from writing the blog entries below which are products of procrastination, i also spent a lot of time on tumblr and even went out to get a doughnut.

the interesting thing about the doughnut incident was it started on tumblr. i was scrolling down my tumblr dashboard until i chanced upon a post about a guy saying what to do when one gets the last piece of doughnut. after reblogging it, i said, i think im going to get myself a doughnut. so i quickly changed into some outdoor clothes, put on my pair of running shoes and off i went to walk to dunkin donuts matalino to buy one piece of doughnut. after finishing my doughnut, i decided to buy a cup of coffee at mcdonalds to motivate me to work. when i got back home with my cup of coffee, i went back to tumblr and half an hour later, after finishing my coffee, i was reading documents for the pleadings i will be doing. two hours later, after making a very rough draft, i managed to convince myself to just do it tomorrow. wow. these pleadings are due on tuesday and wednesday and i have a hearing on tuesday. im really good at convincing myself that i have time to finish it. i even argue that i can opt not to sleep and pull an all nighter (even if i know thats a blatant lie since i rarely give up sleep), the power of procrastination is just remarkable. i mean, im still procrastinating right now.

now im talking like a girl. a spoiled and fussy one to be more specific.

i mentioned in my post below that i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she said she wanted to know my scent. im sensitive when it comes to my scent. the reason for it is because i have poor sense of smell. i have no good way of knowing whether i smell good or not. thats why i get paranoid about it because of the uncertainty.

ive received compliments that i smell good. all of them from girls (now that i think about it, i wouldnt know how to react if a guy said it. maybe "umm...thanks? i guess"). but even if i do receive positive comments about my scent doesnt mean i smell nice all the time (although a girl ive dated said that i always smell nice whenever she sees me but well, im still not convinced). also, they always compliment me on the perfume i wear. now, ive been using this perfume since college or around 2001. and ive been using it until it went out of stock months ago. i think its no longer in production since in the ten years ive been buying it, its never been out of stock for this long. as usual, i have a secondary perfume that i can resort to whenever the primary perfume i use runs out but its really not my type and its really meant to be just a reserve (the reason its my reserve is because, like my primary perfume, i rarely smell it on someone else but unlike my primary perfume, i dont like it that much. its just good enough). so im hoping im wrong on my hunch that my primary perfume is no longer in production or i will have to look for a new one (i would like to go back to the perfume i used when i was in sixth grade but i just found its not available here in the philippines. crap!!! and its the scent i like next to the one that ive been using for ten years. i dont know if im just really picky or very unfortunate).

anyway, the reason i thought of writing this post is because this somehow explains why im afraid of hugs. its common knowledge that i dont like to be hugged (except to some relatives who barely know me). my "fear" of being hugged is separate and distinct from my "fear" of being touched. thats a separate issue. anyway, whenever someone tries to hug me, i always say im sweaty, which is true. i sweat a lot because of the very warm weather we have. with my recent weight gain, i feel the weather got a lot warmer. so its not really because i dont like people to hug me but im afraid of allowing them to get too close to actually get a good whiff of my body. thats how sensitive i am about it. thats why i dont hug back either because just being hugged already makes me very uncomfortable due to my paranoia and sensitivity on how i smell. even if no one has reacted adversely, i still cant get rid of the thought that i dont smell good. thats why whenever i sweat a lot, i secretly check from time to time how i smell, which is silly because i have a poor sense of smell. checking it seems like a mere gesture on my part to reassure me a bit because i dont smell anything.

if my talkative self comes back, i'll be telling this kind of long, boring, pointless stories instead of just writing it

ive been thinking of "retiring" my mudflap girl cap for months. my plan was to replace it with a white on black yankees new era 39thirty cap. unfortunately, i only keep seeing 59fifty ones. so i decided to look for an alternative cap. i actually saw a design i liked last month at Levis Gateway. it was on display along with the mannequins. i decided to take a closer look at it so i actually went to the window display and took it without asking for assistance from the salespeople (so i was stretching my arm trying to reach it from behind the mannequin). i managed to get it and i saw it was a bit dirty so i asked if they have another one in stock. the salesperson said thats the only one left. my siblings were with me and they said its a bit of a hassle to buy it since i have to wash it first before i can use it (its that dirty. its probably been on display for quite some time already). so i decided to look for it in other Levis stores. but i noticed that when i was about to leave, the salesperson didnt return the cap to the window display (i thought they might have taken my siblings' comments seriously that they are putting on display dirty items).

so i continued looking for it in their other stores while i was doing my xmas shopping and the salespeople consistently told me the following:

• the items they have on display are the ones they have (so if i dont see it, they dont have it)
• every store only gets two pieces of each cap design. so if they sell two caps of the same design, then its officially sold out for that particular store (so all their cap designs are limited edition?)

i actually went to these different stores twice (except the one at Gateway) just to make sure i didnt miss it when i first checked or the salespeople were wrong in thinking they dont have it. well, no luck in all instances.

surprisingly, while i was in tabaco city, albay, specifically at the bus terminal waiting for the bus on a saturday (and i did have laundry on my back, in my bag), a man went to the ticket booth near me and he was wearing the goddamn cap ive been looking for at the Levis stores! i thought "seriously? first i keep seeing the yankees cap i want and i cant find where i can buy it and now, the levis cap is doing the same thing too?". if what the salespeople told me were true, then even if Levis has a hundred stores nationwide, if they only sell two of each design, the chances of seeing someone wearing the design i want is small. i was really tempted to ask the man if i can buy his cap but i scared myself that i dont know where that cap has been or how much stranger sweat it has absorbed (thats why i was horrified when a law school blockmate took a whiff at my cap. she actually placed my cap on her nose and took a whiff. i quickly grabbed it back. sure i wash it but still, you just dont grab someone else's cap and smell it. the same way one shouldnt share earphones).

anyway, i remembered the cap incident in bicol a week later, or yesterday to be more specific. after buying groceries, i decided to drop by at Levis Gateway to see if they managed to sell the cap i took from their display window without permission. even if im supposed to be in a "financial recovery period" (due to the xmas shopping expenses), i said to myself that if the cap is still there, dirty or not, im going to buy it. summer is just around the corner and i need a new cap. the one im using has reached its limit. its still usable but it can no longer hide the visible signs of wear and tear. its time for it to retire like the other caps that preceded it.

finally, i was standing in front of the store and obviously, the cap isnt on display. the concept of the window display has also changed. i scanned the store and there were no caps in sight. at first. then i saw it. the caps were displayed behind the cashier counter. again, without asking for assistance or permission, i went behind the cashier counter and started checking the caps. in the middle of the pile was the cap i saw weeks earlier. and they washed it! when i turned, the saleslady/cashier was behind me and i immediately bought it (we had to exchange places because i was standing where she, the cashier, was supposed to be).

im really picky when it comes to caps. its like picking a bag. i can take months looking for the design i like. i dont know, i just really like this one and its a good alternative to the yankees cap which i vow i will get this year.

the ones on the right are the caps that have served me well (and officially retired). the eccentric cap (college), natural life cap (law school), mudflap girl cap (law school to present). the simple looking cap at the back was a secondary cap (in case i cant use the existing primary cap).